polyamory regret

[Etoile]

People are riffing off a comment the OP made.

Yeah, but if you look, she was quoting me in the post where she made that comment. I did use the word convenience but it sure wasn't in THAT sense.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

@Etoile - Like Hom said, we were taking off from:

that sounds like my spouse - wanting poly for convenience like helping out with the kids and him helping her in exchange, ... its just frusterating when your spouse only wants to do it for convenience and its actually not convenient and then you also have children to consider.

Now granted, THAT took off from your mentioning convenience in your post...

Your situation is very different from mine or Netz's, or Hom's, and your take on the "poly-ness" of your relationships is therefore very different from ours. You are probably much closer to the OP's POV/feelings on the matter than we are.

So I find myself being in a poly relationship even though I am a monogamous person. I've never wanted to have two relationships...I thought I did, but it was more convenience than love. And I can't stop it, because I'm the one who started it. My wife knows how much it hurts me that they are still together, we've talked about it several times, including the fact that she deliberately chooses to continue doing something she knows is hurtful to me. But I love her to the ends of the earth, and we are now legally married, and I will never leave her. It's an uncomfortable reality that I really wish I didn't have to deal with.

Your situation is not one I would want to be in, on any side of equation. In the poly world, a triad that changes into a "V" can be very uncomfortable for one, two, or even all three parties. It can be hurtful to one or all of them. Or it can be a more comfortable situation when two of the parties no longer get along, but are okay with the center person maintaining both individual relationships. Like any relationship situation, it just depends on what works for the parties involved.

{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}} I wish I could be of more help for you, Etoile.

 

[Marquis]

Wait so, you were with two people that are now together themselves and won't split even though you won't do the poly thing anymore, Etoile?

Irony abounds.

 

[Etoile]

Wait so, you were with two people that are now together themselves and won't split even though you won't do the poly thing anymore, Etoile?

Irony abounds.

Yes, Captain Obvious, I'm aware of that.

 

[MarshallGirl]

I was involved with a poly couple that ended in disaster. It was my first time being involved with a couple and I really wasn't sure if it was for me or not but I ended up really falling hard for him so that made me want to try a lot with her. First she couldn't decide where she wanted to stand with me, to be more like a sister to me or take a more dominant role with me. That caused a lot of confusion with me since I never knew what she wanted or how to act around her. During the time we spent together she had some medical problems that really made her evaluate her life and I think she really ended up wanting him all to herself to get married and have kids, something he had already done once and did not want to repeat. Soon she stopped having contact with me and that put him in the middle and I tried many times to talk to her because I was falling so hard for him but in the end he stopped talking to me as well and there are very negative feelings.

I am still open to a poly lifestyle but I realize now that she never wanted one and was only getting into it because he wanted it and she wanted to stay with him. I have a lot of regret about being with them and how I ended up being treated.

 

[Marquis]

I am still open to a poly lifestyle but I realize now that she never wanted one and was only getting into it because he wanted it and she wanted to stay with him.

Honestly, I romanticize about poly occasionally, but I can't get past the point that this is essentially the root for almost any poly situation such as the one you've described.

I have never ever heard of a female insisting on her desire to share her male partner in my life, outside of documentaries on fundamentalist mormon compounds.

 

[Homburg]

Honestly, I romanticize about poly occasionally, but I can't get past the point that this is essentially the root for almost any poly situation such as the one you've described.

I have never ever heard of a female insisting on her desire to share her male partner in my life, outside of documentaries on fundamentalist mormon compounds.

Netzach and Unpredictablebijou don't count?

 

[Netzach]

Netzach and Unpredictablebijou don't count?

Netzach insisted her male partner WOULD share her, and was OK sharing him.

That's not the setup guys are usually wistfully hoping for.

 

[Albee]

Netzach insisted her male partner WOULD share her, and was OK sharing him.

That's not the setup guys are usually wistfully hoping for.

That is pretty much the set up I'm wistfully hoping for. Over the past few years my wife has had sex with other men. She's fallen in love with one or two of them.

For a number of reasons I like that-- I find it sexually and emotionally fulfilling.

However, I'd like to experiment with the three of us having a relationship in which both he and I are romantically involved with my wife. She turns to him for her primary sexual fulfillment and to me as husband and M. The three of us would spend time together with all of that understood.

 

[the captians wench]

Netzach insisted her male partner WOULD share her, and was OK sharing him.

That's not the setup guys are usually wistfully hoping for.

This is kinda how the poly situation I was in worked, only not quite as much infasiss.

My situation didn't evolve into a move in relationship, but I don't regret a moment of it. We're still good friends, and it kind of drew Jounar and me closer as well so over all I'm happy with the way things turned out.

I don't think I would have been able to live with them anyway, for many reasons.

 

[Netzach]

This is kinda how the poly situation I was in worked, only not quite as much infasiss.

My situation didn't evolve into a move in relationship, but I don't regret a moment of it. We're still good friends, and it kind of drew Jounar and me closer as well so over all I'm happy with the way things turned out.

I don't think I would have been able to live with them anyway, for many reasons.

I don't think I could have anyone else in my actual house. If H moves here it will be in town, but not in my house. I have enough trouble living with one other person. I am not an easy person to live with. Another person and I think I'd implode, no matter who it is.

I think this is why I don't fully embrace a poly label, and consider myself in an open marriage. I can't possibly see myself opening up my day to day to that extent. I'll date other people, but I can't imagine considering myself adding a person to the notion of the marriage.

 

[BiBunny]

I consider myself the Domly ones' slave all the time, but I could never, never, never live with them. I'm an only child, for one, and I am so not used to sharing my space. If I don't get a good amount of alone time to recharge my batteries, I turn mean. I'm also way more lax about housekeeping than Mistress, so we'd probably be at each others' throats all the time. And I have pet allergies, and they have their own indoor petting zoo. (Four cats and two dogs.) Not to mention how on earth I'd explain to my kinfolks why I'm randomly living with this married couple.

So I guess I will never be *real* 24/7. Woe is me.

 

[Homburg]

Netzach insisted her male partner WOULD share her, and was OK sharing him.

That's not the setup guys are usually wistfully hoping for.

I was just looking at the insistence on openness in general, not the specifics of the relationship. Marquis' comment struck me as a sort of "Women don't reeeeally go for poly," vibe. Could be misreading on my part, and I certainly didn't take offense at it.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Honestly, I romanticize about poly occasionally, but I can't get past the point that this is essentially the root for almost any poly situation such as the one you've described.

I have never ever heard of a female insisting on her desire to share her male partner in my life, outside of documentaries on fundamentalist mormon compounds.

You haven't met many of the women in the Triangle Poly Network, have you? Some of them have to drag their male partners to the meetings kicking and screaming.

Well... okay... no screaming. But some of them HAVE whimpered. Loudly.

And they are actively hunting suitable partners for their male partner...

Just sayin'...

 

[Marquis]

I was just looking at the insistence on openness in general, not the specifics of the relationship. Marquis' comment struck me as a sort of "Women don't reeeeally go for poly," vibe. Could be misreading on my part, and I certainly didn't take offense at it.

It wasn't misreading.

You haven't met many of the women in the Triangle Poly Network, have you? Some of them have to drag their male partners to the meetings kicking and screaming.

Well... okay... no screaming. But some of them HAVE whimpered. Loudly.

And they are actively hunting suitable partners for their male partner...

Just sayin'...

Googling now.

 

[the captians wench]

I don't think I could have anyone else in my actual house. If H moves here it will be in town, but not in my house. I have enough trouble living with one other person. I am not an easy person to live with. Another person and I think I'd implode, no matter who it is.

I think this is why I don't fully embrace a poly label, and consider myself in an open marriage. I can't possibly see myself opening up my day to day to that extent. I'll date other people, but I can't imagine considering myself adding a person to the notion of the marriage.

Personally I don't think I could live with another female. I just don't relate well to chicks.

I consider myself the Domly ones' slave all the time, but I could never, never, never live with them. I'm an only child, for one, and I am so not used to sharing my space. If I don't get a good amount of alone time to recharge my batteries, I turn mean. I'm also way more lax about housekeeping than Mistress, so we'd probably be at each others' throats all the time. And I have pet allergies, and they have their own indoor petting zoo. (Four cats and two dogs.) Not to mention how on earth I'd explain to my kinfolks why I'm randomly living with this married couple.

So I guess I will never be *real* 24/7. Woe is me.

Sharing is one of my big issues. But it kind of depends on when I come into the relationship oddly enough. If the relationship is already founded and I'm the new addition, I deal a whole lot better than if I'm part of the established and a new person is added.

I think it has something to do with the way my brain processess what I "deserve". If I'm being added to an already established relationship then I kind of feel like I have less of a right to demand time and attention than I do when I'm part of the established. I'm a bit more understanding of the current female getting her panties in a bunch and demanding more attention than I am of a new addition.

So Jounar and I, I can safely say, would not add a third to our relationship. He's pretty strictly a mono guy anyway, we were open for a long time because of distance. Seemed practical at the time, but something that does not fit any longer.

Something I did realize out of my experience is that I do have the ability to love more than one man. That was a confusing period for me and Jounar, but it just sort of opened up another part of my anilitical personality that I didn't even know existed.