Pretentious Dom/mes - A Question

[Ebonyfire]

I think my original question may be getting lost as the discussion turns, which is cool, but I would like to clarify and bring it back around for a moment.

I'm not talking about people you know or have respect for, I'm asking about perfect strangers who introduce themselves by assaulting people with their 'dominance.'

If one doesn't know whether or not I'm in the lifestyle, is it really fair for that person to immediately descend upon me and use the Me/Mine/My/you/yours/you're way of communication?

I'm not talking about people we know or respect, I'm talking about strangers.

As a I have said many times, common courtesy is all anyone should expect upon initial contact. I personally do not require honor titles from anyone I do not personally own. I find if a submissive is owned, their dominant will have already trained them to address others in and out of the lifestyle. All of my subs know what to say when talking to a wide variety of people in or out of the lifestyle. That way I (and they) do not have to bother with what is acceptable.

But that is just My way. As for "getting away" with anything, who cares? Last I checked no one on this board pays my rent so their opinion is not sought or needed (or cared about if the truth can be told). Seeking the approval of stangers is a waste of time and energy. And like it or not, most people here really do not know each other in reality.

Eb

 

[_geisha_]

My apologies for messing up your thread.

hush it! LOL you didn't mess up my thread!

hush it! [snuggles]

I just thought I didn't say the right thing.

 

[_geisha_]

Okay. Let's look at the example you gave in post 13.
We're talking about a message board or some other casual form of written communication, right?

whatever floats your boat.

I personally do not see this as "assaulting.... with their dominance". Unless and until I had evidence from the *content* of the person's words, I would not assume that he or she is arrogant, pretentious, insecure, or anything else. I would simply assume the caps are indicative of a specific BDSM culture.

If you read a sentence like the example given, it seems to me that one logical response would be to ask the guy: "Why do you capitalize Me and My when you write?" The answer would probably be quite revealing.

this is the difference between me and you. I do see it as assaulting. I see it just like a stranger walking up to me and grabbing or touching me in a bar. That person just projected their proclivities onto me, without knowing whether or not I have the same preferences.

I don't like how some 'Dom' men will automatically assume every woman they speak to is another submissive waiting to be spanked. I don't like being that.

 

[_geisha_]

As a I have said many times, common courtesy is all anyone should expect upon initial contact. I personally do not require honor titles from anyone I do not personally own. I find if a submissive is owned, their dominant will have already trained them to address others in and out of the lifestyle. All of my subs know what to say when talking to a wide variety of people in or out of the lifestyle. That way I (and they) do not have to bother with what is acceptable.

But that is just My way. As for "getting away" with anything, who cares? Last I checked no one on this board pays my rent so their opinion is not sought or needed (or cared about if the truth can be told). Seeking the approval of stangers is a waste of time and energy. And like it or not, most people here really do not know each other in reality.

Eb

If you don't care, why tell me all of this? i am glad, however, that you told me all of it, because if you'd be willing, i'd like to ask for clarification. In chat, you require those that you own to say Your/You/You're, etc? But would you approach a stranger like that? Not in a thread, but say a PM. Would you PM someone and say something like 'your AV makes Me want to talk with you more, so that you can get to know Me. I'm worth knowing.'

Just a question, no beef.

thx.

 

[JMohegan]

this is the difference between me and you. I do see it as assaulting. I see it just like a stranger walking up to me and grabbing or touching me in a bar. That person just projected their proclivities onto me, without knowing whether or not I have the same preferences.

I don't like how some 'Dom' men will automatically assume every woman they speak to is another submissive waiting to be spanked. I don't like being that.

A guy who makes that assumption is an ass.

But here again is the example you provided on this thread:

This has always been a peeve of mine, to talk with someone who hasn't asked me about the lifestyle, hasn't even approached the subject, but will continue to say things like, "Well, I and My girlfriend were driving in My car the other day, and I said to her, I'm waiting for My paycheck... " or something to that effect.

Nothing in that quote implies even remotely that you are submissive, eager to be spanked, or anything else.

Do you honestly see this as comparable to groping in a bar? He is not even projecting an interest in you, virtual or otherwise!

He has also not demanded that you alter your mode of writing in addressing him.

All he's doing is writing in the style to which he is accustomed. And until the *content* of his words indicates otherwise, my suggestion would be to just interpret those capital M's as you would slang or phrases from a foreign language. A reflection of culture, that's all.

 

[chris9]

I once wrote quite a long post about the use of capitalization in German. In general if you talk to someone the 'you'/'your' etc. should be capitalized. I don't like it much if this isn't done, although it's becoming more and more common. Anyways, I'd expect a German person who is serious about wanting to get to know me to invest the time to type grammatically correct, thus capitalizes 'you' etc when sending me a message. I'm not absolute about this or anything. The opposite doesn't work at all. Someone giving me the Me/you crap in German, where it's doubly wrong whereas in English grammar there's only one mistake, I find to be incredibly rude and assuming a position of dominance over me that I never gave them.
In English it irks me for both the grammar reason and the rudeness reason. Not as much as in German, but still enough. If the person is really great in other ways I might overlook it or ask them why they do this. If not it's a quick 'thanks but no thanks'.

 

[_geisha_]

A guy who makes that assumption is an ass.

But here again is the example you provided on this thread:
Nothing in that quote implies even remotely that you are submissive, eager to be spanked, or anything else.

I didn't post the PM I recieved. That PM spawned this thread. I'll paraphrase it, which I think is acceptable.

'the picture of your ass made Me want to spank you with My strong hand. I would love to put welts on your lovely ass with My big strong hand!'

The PM wasn't about my ass, but another part of my body, and wasn't about spanking but another activity. Same premise though, assuming i was wet and ready for him to 'dom' me.

Do you honestly see this as comparable to groping in a bar? He is not even projecting an interest in you, virtual or otherwise!

He has also not demanded that you alter your mode of writing in addressing him.

All he's doing is writing in the style to which he is accustomed. And until the *content* of his words indicates otherwise, my suggestion would be to just interpret those capital M's as you would slang or phrases from a foreign language. A reflection of culture, that's all.

Yes, I honestly do. When someone [male or female] assumes that i would be their willing sexual partner [BDSM or otherwise], i take that as an affront.

No, he did not demand anything up front, but by his writing style alone, he's admonished that there is a difference in his and my writing styles. In this culture/lifestyle, a simple Capital Letter means a lot.

I wouldn't know that if i hadn't been involved in the lifestyle, and that irks me.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Geisha wait until you attempt to politely deflect their interest and they go on to congratulate you for your imminent transition into a Domme. After all why else would you not be interested ? You are a submissive, submit dammit ....heh

 

[catalina_francisco]

whatever floats your boat.



this is the difference between me and you. I do see it as assaulting. I see it just like a stranger walking up to me and grabbing or touching me in a bar. That person just projected their proclivities onto me, without knowing whether or not I have the same preferences.

I don't like how some 'Dom' men will automatically assume every woman they speak to is another submissive waiting to be spanked. I don't like being that.

I think you read too much into it in terms of the level of their interest in you. An equivilant in vanilla terms would be if you were at a club and a guy asked you to dance assuming you were available to do so and you ranting he should have first asked if you had a partner, then if you didn't are you looking for one or if you said you did have one, if you were available for a dance..then moving forward to if you had any objection to being asked for a dance, and if you felt accepting might obligate you in some way, and if you felt the said person might be right for a long term relationship with you.....all just because he wanted someone to dance with...sometimes it doesn't have to be so complicated. I have never had a problem responding to anyone in email or PM, even the ruder ones, simply because I feel comfortable explaining my position if the need arises and I usually keep an open mind as to their purpose for contacting until they explicitly outline it, and even then, if it is not my cup of tea, I just simply say 'no thanks'.

Catalina

 

[_geisha_]

I once wrote quite a long post about the use of capitalization in German. In general if you talk to someone the 'you'/'your' etc. should be capitalized. I don't like it much if this isn't done, although it's becoming more and more common. Anyways, I'd expect a German person who is serious about wanting to get to know me to invest the time to type grammatically correct, thus capitalizes 'you' etc when sending me a message. I'm not absolute about this or anything. The opposite doesn't work at all. Someone giving me the Me/you crap in German, where it's doubly wrong whereas in English grammar there's only one mistake, I find to be incredibly rude and assuming a position of dominance over me that I never gave them.
In English it irks me for both the grammar reason and the rudeness reason. Not as much as in German, but still enough. If the person is really great in other ways I might overlook it or ask them why they do this. If not it's a quick 'thanks but no thanks'.

This, I can understand, the German aspect of it, because My and Your/You should be capitalised, for respect, and the understanding that one person is trying to get to know another.

In English, for me, it's difficult to let that slide, because I've met so many Dom/mes who simplly assume that because they are dominant, I am submissive and they need to hammer that home as many times as they can.

 

[_geisha_]

Geisha wait until you attempt to politely deflect their interest and they go on to congratulate you for your imminent transition into a Domme. After all why else would you not be interested ? You are a submissive, submit dammit ....heh

o mama, I've had that happen so many damn times LOL

I love that... the 'polite' transition is so 'polite'

LOL

 

[_geisha_]

I think you read too much into it in terms of the level of their interest in you.

I think I paraphrased the PM, you can read it above and make a decision on whether you still feel that way.

An equivilant in vanilla terms would be if you were at a club and a guy asked you to dance assuming you were available to do so and you ranting he should have first asked if you had a partner, then if you didn't are you looking for one or if you said you did have one, if you were available for a dance..then moving forward to if you had any objection to being asked for a dance, and if you felt accepting might obligate you in some way, and if you felt the said person might be right for a long term relationship with you.....all just because he wanted someone to dance with...sometimes it doesn't have to be so complicated.

I'm not talking about asking me to dance, I'm talking about walking up and grabbing me. My arm, my ass, my back, me. That's totally different than saying 'hey wanna dance?' I'm not talking about dancing. Dancing isn't complicated. Someone going past my physical boundaries to grab me is complicated.

I have never had a problem responding to anyone in email or PM, even the ruder ones, simply because I feel comfortable explaining my position if the need arises and I usually keep an open mind as to their purpose for contacting until they explicitly outline it, and even then, if it is not my cup of tea, I just simply say 'no thanks'.

Catalina

Cool.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm talking about walking up and grabbing me. My arm, my ass, my back, me. That's totally different than saying 'hey wanna dance?' I'm not talking about dancing. Dancing isn't complicated. Someone going past my physical boundaries to grab me is complicated.

Sheesh, and I thought you were talking about the use of capitalisation and slash wording in PM's and emails etc.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

I didn't post the PM I recieved. That PM spawned this thread. I'll paraphrase it, which I think is acceptable.

'the picture of your ass made Me want to spank you with My strong hand. I would love to put welts on your lovely ass with My big strong hand!'

The PM wasn't about my ass, but another part of my body, and wasn't about spanking but another activity. Same premise though, assuming i was wet and ready for him to 'dom' me.

That PM would have been just as offensive without the capital M's. Would it not?

This is *exactly* my point. It is the content of the message that makes him an ass.

Yes, I honestly do. When someone [male or female] assumes that i would be their willing sexual partner [BDSM or otherwise], i take that as an affront.

Of course you took the content as an affront. That is entirely reasonable.

But what is *not* reasonable is judging an entire group of people by the actions of one idiot, or even many idiots, who bastardize the intent and purpose of the culture from which the capitalization practice was drawn.

 

[_geisha_]

Sheesh, and I thought you were talking about the use of capitalisation and slash wording in PM's and emails etc.

Catalina

srsly.

come on, i'm sure you know exactly what i was speaking about. you brought up dancing in a 'vanilla' club. if you're just going to argue with me, please argue with someone else. i brought a valid question in here, not to beef with anyone but to see what others thought.

 

[_geisha_]

That PM would have been just as offensive without the capital M's. Would it not?

This is *exactly* my point. It is the content of the message that makes him an ass.

Of course you took the content as an affront. That is entirely reasonable.

But what is *not* reasonable is judging an entire group of people by the actions of one idiot, or even many idiots, who bastardize the intent and purpose of the culture from which the capitalization practice was drawn.

I'm not judging all people involved in the BDSM lifestyle by this one fellow, that would be judging myself, in a way.

Where have I made a judgement on all Dom/mes in this thread? I have specified each time that I am asking about pretentious Dom/mes who choose to use the Capital Words as a way to introduce me to the lifestyle they have chosen without knowing my view of the lifestyle.

Yes, it would have been just as offensive, but it was more offensive to me because of the Capital Letters by which I automatically knew how he was using them and why.

 

[JMohegan]

I'm not judging all people involved in the BDSM lifestyle by this one fellow, that would be judging myself, in a way.

Where have I made a judgement on all Dom/mes in this thread? I have specified each time that I am asking about pretentious Dom/mes who choose to use the Capital Words as a way to introduce me to the lifestyle they have chosen without knowing my view of the lifestyle.

You are not judging *all* Dom/mes.

But you most definitely *are* judging those who capitalize Me and My when they write. These people are part of a specific subset of the BDSM world. You refer to them as "pretentious," from the title of this thread all the way up to this most recent post.

You asked us for an honest response to these questions:

Is that something you do? Why or why not? what do you think of others who do it?

My response is to say that it is the content, not the capitalization, that may or may not reflect pretentiousness on the part of the writer. And your blanket judgment of this group of people is unfounded and unfair.

 

[catalina_francisco]

srsly.

come on, i'm sure you know exactly what i was speaking about. you brought up dancing in a 'vanilla' club. if you're just going to argue with me, please argue with someone else. i brought a valid question in here, not to beef with anyone but to see what others thought.

I do not know what your problem is....I have responded to your OQ as have many....I made ananalogy about vanilla clubs in reference to you assuming what someone using capitalisation in a PM to you was thinking/meaning at which point you began talking about being grabbed in a club at which point as I pointed out, I was lost as I thought you were asking about capitalisation. You seem set in your thoughts of what it all means, so why ask anyone? Have a nice day.

Catalina

 

[_geisha_]

You are not judging *all* Dom/mes.

But you most definitely *are* judging those who capitalize Me and My when they write. These people are part of a specific subset of the BDSM world. You refer to them as "pretentious," from the title of this thread all the way up to this most recent post.

Apparently you didn't read the entire first post. You're arguing for argument's sake.

You asked us for an honest response to these questions:
My response is to say that it is the content, not the capitalization, that may or may not reflect pretentiousness on the part of the writer. And your blanket judgment of this group of people is unfounded and unfair.

Dude... are you serious? this is laughable. so: LOL.

Good, glad we had this discussion. I never once said that every Dom/me who uses capitalization or asks for it is pretentious. I asked about the pretentious Dom/mes who use it as an 'in' to discuss the lifestyle with perfect strangers, assuming that the strangers they approach are auto-subs.

If you're going to choose not to read what I say unless it twistedly cements your point, that's alright, but I'm not going to let you make me out to have said something I didn't say.

 

[_geisha_]

I do not know what your problem is....I have responded to your OQ as have many....I made ananalogy about vanilla clubs in reference to you assuming what someone using capitalisation in a PM to you was thinking/meaning at which point you began talking about being grabbed in a club at which point as I pointed out, I was lost as I thought you were asking about capitalisation. You seem set in your thoughts of what it all means, so why ask anyone? Have a nice day.

Catalina

I don't know where I said I had an issue with you, but glad you can automatically say I have a problem. I know what the problem is, I'm not regular poster in teh BDSM boards. That's the only problem I see in this thread with name dropping and Hurt Capitals.

You made an analogy about being asked to dance, which actually had nothing to do with the question. I never said anything about being approached, I said something about being assaulted. There's a difference.

I said, clearly and succinctly, that a stranger approaching me with Capitals was akin to a stranger walking up and grabbing on me at a club. How you became confused, I don't know ,but good on ya.

It's also funny that instead of saying 'hey, I'm confused, can you clarify?', that you automatically set off on a tear of cute lil phrases and emotes, while insinuating that I am refusing to discuss something I asked a question about.

See ya.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't know where I said I had an issue with you, but glad you can automatically say I have a problem. I know what the problem is, I'm not regular poster in teh BDSM boards. That's the only problem I see in this thread with name dropping and Hurt Capitals.

You made an analogy about being asked to dance, which actually had nothing to do with the question. I never said anything about being approached, I said something about being assaulted. There's a difference.

I said, clearly and succinctly, that a stranger approaching me with Capitals was akin to a stranger walking up and grabbing on me at a club. How you became confused, I don't know ,but good on ya.

It's also funny that instead of saying 'hey, I'm confused, can you clarify?', that you automatically set off on a tear of cute lil phrases and emotes, while insinuating that I am refusing to discuss something I asked a question about.

See ya.

LOL, this has nothing to do with your not being a regular or any other victtim oriented reason you can make up, but now you have explained yourself more, it seems it has a lot to do with your not being able to follow simple conversation, or perhaps just trying to create a stir here....sorry, it doesn't wash here the way it does on the GB. That is the reason many of us avoid the GB, too full of people with too much time on their hands and not the best manners. As to asking for clarifications,....I did that way back on page one and never got any so seems little point.

Catalina

 

[_geisha_]

LOL, this has nothing to do with your not being a regular or any other victtim oriented reason you can make up, but now you have explained yourself more, it seems it has a lot to do with your not being able to follow simple conversation, or perhaps just trying to create a stir here....sorry, it doesn't wash here the way it does on the GB. That is the reason many of us avoid the GB, too full of people with too much time on their hands and not the best manners. As to asking for clarifications,....I did that way back on page one and never got any so seems little point.

Catalina

o... k.

so now that you're leaving, any other comments on the topic?

 

[JMohegan]

Apparently you didn't read the entire first post. You're arguing for argument's sake.



Dude... are you serious? this is laughable. so: LOL.

Good, glad we had this discussion. I never once said that every Dom/me who uses capitalization or asks for it is pretentious. I asked about the pretentious Dom/mes who use it as an 'in' to discuss the lifestyle with perfect strangers, assuming that the strangers they approach are auto-subs.

If you're going to choose not to read what I say unless it twistedly cements your point, that's alright, but I'm not going to let you make me out to have said something I didn't say.

Here is your first post on this thread, in its entirety:

PYL's who don't mind an honest, no drama question, I'd like to ask you something. When you introduce yourself to someone who you aren't sure is in the lifestyle, do you make it a point through text to say My, Me, Mine, I, and you, your, yours, etc.?

I see Dom/mes do it, and it usually comes off as pretentious and self-serving to me, kind of like trying to prove how dominant one may be to a potential submissive.

Is that something you do? Why or why not? what do you think of others who do it?

Thank you,

-g

Compare the two phrases that I have colored red. Do you see the difference?

In the first post, it is clear that the alleged effort to prove dominance over a potential submissive is something that you assumed from the capitalization.

You are now changing your wording to say you are only asking about Dom/mes who treat strangers as auto-subs. If that's all you want to ask about, my answer is to say: those Dom/mes are asses. We agree.

 

[_geisha_]

Here is your first post on this thread, in its entirety:

Compare the two phrases that I have colored red. Do you see the difference?

In the first post, it is clear that the alleged effort to prove dominance over a potential submissive is something that you assumed from the capitalization.

You are now changing your wording to say you are only asking about Dom/mes who treat strangers as auto-subs. If that's all you want to ask about, my answer is to say: those Dom/mes are asses. We agree.

Okay great.

Firstly, I'm not your kid, I'm not your sub, don't talk to me like I am. Please. Thank you.

Now: I'll say what I've said again: I do not like when Dom/mes approach me without knowing my affiliation with the lifestyle and automatically launch into capitalized conversation. It seems pretentious to me.

I do not understand how that sentence paints a broad brush stroke over every dominant personality in the lifestyle/BDSM world.

I may have changed my wording but not my standpoint or my original meaning. To do so is simply conversing, as opposed to quoting.

And we do agree on some points.

 

[CutieMouse]

This thread has now officially confused me.

If someone contacts you in an inappropriate way via PM/email/whatever, and plays the man thumping "I am a DOM, damnit! Bow before my staff of virility!" thing... well, there is an enormous thread on the BDSM boards called "Asshat Awards" (also nicknamed horney net geeks- HNGs), and general consensus is that they aren't really Doms as much as well... asshats looking for a fantasy to jerk off to. Ignore them, or destroy them verbally, and move on. Report them to someone for harrassment if you like, but please realize that just because an asshat declares himself to be a Dom, does not mean he is one, nor is he necessarily an accurate reflection of the BDSM Community.

I'm sorry, but someone sending a creepy PM, and capitalizing a pronoun while doing so, is *not* the same as someone assulting/grabbing on you in a club. i am completely lost as to the discussion being about situations online via PM, or real life...