Pretty please, play with me.

[JUDO]

How about another?

Mind starting another poem - something completely different?
----------

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadors played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm starting another tomorrow if that's OK with everyone. New thread or on this one?



edit to add "oh, dammit... Judo's already starting one!" Sorry, hadn't seen that. I don't think I can do it tonight, though. I'll give it a try in the morning if it's not ready yet, OK?

 

[JUDO]

Let's do yours. Mine can wait. (Actually, I think I jumped the queue).


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Nah, babe...

Yours' already up, there's no need to keep it waiting. I'm cool with it. I'll try to write something as soon as I can string two sentences without bumping my head on the keyboard.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: How about another?

Mind starting another poem - something completely different?
----------

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadors played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

Beautiful start! I'll try very hard to add a stanza that will be worthy. I'll shall return!

 

[Rybka]

Here is a stanza

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadors played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

(Should it be 'troubadors' or 'troubadours'?)

His twisted tongue told only more lies
Trumping the truth again and again...
Mumbling words about love and such
Rubbing himself against my grain.

Regards, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

It is troubadours. Judo, that is neat image of troubadours playing in the rain.
Rybka, I like your stanza. I think this will turn out to be a very good poem.

 

[WickedEve]

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told only more lies
Trumping the truth again and again...
Mumbling words about love and such
Rubbing himself against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
Knew this moment would usher in pain.
But the song and rain became too much.
To give him my love was truly insane.

 

[Rybka]

Excellent!

Very very good, WE one! - But it will get much harder from here on out.

Regards, Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Gawd, I hate you all. I'm going to need a couple of hours for this. I can't just rhyme like that!

 

[Rybka]

Meter

Is the meter and rhyme supposed to be: 9A, 9B, 8C, 8B or 9A, 9B, 9C, 9B ?

My stanza is easy to alter if the latter.

Regards, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

When I wrote my stanza, I tried to follow the same pattern that you were using, Rybka. After I wrote it, I felt sorry for whoever goes next. lol

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Oh thank you very much you two! Just leave it to the little girl that doesn't even have English as a first language...

*mumbling curses whilst trying to count syllables, now*

 

[Rybka]

Unh. . . Lauren?

It should be "two" not "too", and "have" not "has".

Regards, Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Have no idea of what you're talking about

*adds "hire a hitman" to the "to do" list*

 

[JUDO]

Re: Meter

Is the meter and rhyme supposed to be: 9A, 9B, 8C, 8B or 9A, 9B, 9C, 9B ?

My stanza is easy to alter if the latter.

Regards, Rybka

Not quite.

When I started it, my meter was:

TAH-da-da TAH-da-da TAH-da-da- (9A)
da-TAH-da-da TAH-da-da TAH- (8B)
TAH-da-da TAH-da-da TAH-da-da- (9C)
da-TAH-da-da TAH-da-da TAH- (8B)

That seems to have drifted a bit over the next two stanzas, but I thought I would wait until all the stanzas were in before we decided whether or not any of them needed correcting.

Are all the stanzas in? I feel like we need another...


- Judo

 

[WickedEve]

I'm completely meter-challenged. So do whatever needs to be done with my stanza.

 

[Rybka]

How About. . .

9A
8B
9C
8B

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told only more lies
Trumping truth again and again...
Mumbling soft words about love and such
Rubbing himself against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
Knew this moment would usher in pain.
But the song and rain became too much.
To give him my love was insane.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: How About. . .

9A
8B
9C
8B

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told only more lies
Trumping truth again and again...
Mumbling soft words about love and such
Rubbing himself against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
Knew this moment would usher in pain.
But the song and rain became too much.
To give him my love was insane.

You dropped "truly." That was the word I was thinking of taking out.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm sorry I still didn't write my stanza, but I had other things to do yesterday and didn't really have the time to even try. But I promise I'll do it tonight.

You're all doing a great job, and definitively not making my job easy. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

 

[WickedEve]

Lauren, we will patiently wait on you. But you will get a spanking for this!

 

[JUDO]

Re: How About. . .

9A
8B
9C
8B

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told only more lies
Trumping truth again and again...
Mumbling soft words about love and such
Rubbing himself against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
Knew this moment would usher in pain.
But the song and rain became too much.
To give him my love was insane.

Rybka -

Suggestions for your stanza's meter.
---------

His twisted tongue told me only lies.
He trumped the truth time and again.
Mumbling soft words about love and such...
His hands rubbing against my grain.
---------

The last line is the biggest change, but it needs a weak syllable to start the line with a strong immdiately following.

So, "His hands rubbing against my grain." is
da-TAH-da-da TAH-da-da TAH- like the other two stanzas.

Losing one of the "agains" on the second line lets the compound meter flow.

Changing the first line to "Twisting his tongue told me only lies." Allows the Tah-da-da Tah-da-da Tah-da-da to occur.

-------
GAH!

Sorry, editing to suggest meter changes for WE.

How about:
-------
In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.
-------

I used "parLAY" for "MOment" to help with the meter. And as much as I liked "usher" I couldn't get it to fit.

I wanted to get a better meter and more descriptive words into the third line and "our song of rain" appeared which I though echoed the first stanza well.


Then the poem would be thus far:

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told me only lies.
He trumped the truth time and again.
Mumbling soft words about love and such...
His hands rubbing against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.
-------

Is that okay?


- Judo

 

[Rybka]

Judo suggests. . .

His twisted tongue told me only lies.
He trumped the truth time and again.
Mumbling soft words about love and such...
His hands rubbing against my grain.

I can go with all your changes except for "hands" in the last line. I thought of more than just his hands rubbing her the wrong way. How about "soul" instead of hands?
"His soul rubbing against my grain."

And actually I like "trumping" better than "trumped". It keeps the tense consistant.
"Trumping my truth time and again"

Regards, Rybka

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: How About. . .

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told me only lies.
He trumped the truth time and again.
Mumbling soft words about love and such...
His hands rubbing against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.

With Rybka's changes:

Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told me only lies
For trumping the truth time and again.
Mumbling soft words about love and such...
His soul rubbing against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

How about this:


Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.

His twisted tongue told me only lies
For trumping the truth time and again.
Mumbling soft words about love and such...
His soul rubbing against my grain.

In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.

His tender kiss would be my demise,
Still promised bliss it could feign.
With no appeal my heart he did clutch:
My reasoning proved to be vain.


I'm pretty sure I got the meter, rhytm and rhyme right (say that 5 times fast) but the content is only so-so. You guys deserved a better finishing stanza. And it will be the last stanza, because the only remaining rhymes for "touch" I can think of are "crutch", "dutch" and "hutch"... I'd hate to ask anyone to be go any further...