Question about the nature of your identity

[brigid_fitch]

Please pardon me if this question is naive, I'm still pretty new to this culture.

Do you find that, when it somes to Dom or Sub, you are definitely one or the other, or do you switch between the two?

Thank you.

I know that I identify myself as a sub--I get no enjoyment out of dominating in the bedroom. I've always attributed this to the fact that I've been in the corporate world for over 15 years and have always had direct reports under me. I have to manuever/manage people most of my day--the last thing I want to do is come home and have to do it!

When I'm the sub, it's almost like a vacation: Let me get this straight--I don't have to think, I don't have to make any decisions, and I'll have no responsibilities? Where do I sign up?

 

[neonflux]

LOL...

Thanks.

Actually my partners are primarily noted for their ABSENCE at the moment.

well then, how can we correct this situation???

 

[lne_iii]

I consider myself Dominant, but not, like, totally inflexible. Part of my prerogative is to have whatever kind of sex I want to have.

Bingo.

 

[Dragonteeth]

well then, how can we correct this situation???

LOL...

I'm not exactly looking very hard right now...

but if anyone wold like to apply my PM box is pretty empty at the moment...

 

[gluttonne]

definitely dominant. in all areas of my life. however, i don't try to control everything-my blood pressure couldn't take that. i just step up and take control as necessary, or as appropriate. in relationships and particularly in sex, it's pretty much straight dominance, usually of women who are otherwise dominant in their lives.

 

[Emes]

I am very definately, and dont think i could be anything but, sub!!! I dont know why....i just am *shrugs*

 

[huismus]

I'm definitely submissive, in all areas of my life. I have never felt comfortable in dominant roles because they usually make me feel very unsure of myself. I prefer to be the one in the background, following clear rules and taking care of the ones in control.

 

[bill1955]

Please pardon me if this question is naive, I'm still pretty new to this culture.

Do you find that, when it somes to Dom or Sub, you are definitely one or the other, or do you switch between the two?

Thank you.

I'm chiming in on this question after much discussion has taken place. Pardon me if I repeat what others have said...

I've always acted and thought as a dominant when I'm outside my vanilla life. However, I'm not closed to submitting to the right woman if the circumstances are right. I'm just happy to have connections with other people who are into D/s. I haven't ever actually switched, but I've consciously thought that if the right situation ever came up, I'd be willing to submit, to see if it felt like it was still me.

Now I'll page back through the other replies to read.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I am a Dominant who does not have a desire to submit.

Once I found My place as a Dominant I began to feel comfortable in My own skin for the first time.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

i was about to say that i am 100% submissive but after reading O'Mac's response i must admit that i do have some Dominant in me too. i connect it with the fact that i am a strong woman and not a doormat. In addition to this, i am not submissive in all areas of my life. i often run the show when it comes to work and group activities in my college classes. Without that Dominant streak in me, i don't think i could do these things.

i am 100% submissive..BUT that does not mean that at work, or out in public situations that i cannot 'lead' something. being submissive does not mean i am a doormat or that i cannot be in a position of Power at work ect...however, after coming home from 'work' where i do tend to take on a more 'responsible/leadership' position, i let go into Master's control. i guess what i'm saying is to be a submissive you do not have to be submissive in every aspect of your life. i don't have a Dominant bone in my body, but can still be in 'that' position at work....i am a very strong woman and one who is extremely opinionated and again i do not think that makes me any less submissive, or shows a Dominant side, it's just part of who i am. this of course is my 2 cents.

 

[submissiveknight]

i am 100% submissive..BUT that does not mean that at work, or out in public situations that i cannot 'lead' something. being submissive does not mean i am a doormat or that i cannot be in a position of Power at work ect...however, after coming home from 'work' where i do tend to take on a more 'responsible/leadership' position, i let go into Master's control. i guess what i'm saying is to be a submissive you do not have to be submissive in every aspect of your life. i don't have a Dominant bone in my body, but can still be in 'that' position at work....i am a very strong woman and one who is extremely opinionated and again i do not think that makes me any less submissive, or shows a Dominant side, it's just part of who i am. this of course is my 2 cents.

exactly my thoughts, but for me chance Master to Mistress and woman to man

 

[Kailey_86]

i am 100% submissive..BUT that does not mean that at work, or out in public situations that i cannot 'lead' something. being submissive does not mean i am a doormat or that i cannot be in a position of Power at work ect...however, after coming home from 'work' where i do tend to take on a more 'responsible/leadership' position, i let go into Master's control. i guess what i'm saying is to be a submissive you do not have to be submissive in every aspect of your life. i don't have a Dominant bone in my body, but can still be in 'that' position at work....i am a very strong woman and one who is extremely opinionated and again i do not think that makes me any less submissive, or shows a Dominant side, it's just part of who i am. this of course is my 2 cents.

By your definition, i am 100% submissive. i find that i am becoming more and more submissive as my relationship with Sir grows though. i can't wait to be collared as His slave. That would mean more to me than if He placed a ring around my finger and asked me to marry Him.

 

[s_red830]

Do you find that, when it somes to Dom or Sub, you are definitely one or the other, or do you switch between the two?

Thank you.

I am almost completely sexually dominant, because I feel violated if I am not in that place. Emotionally, however, I'm more dominant than not, but I still have subby tendencies (well, what seems to me to be subby)... I always want to make sure my sub is happy, and I check in with him a great deal, although it is quite clear who makes the decisions. Part of what gets me off, too, is pleasing my partner... this kind of sounds un-Dommy, I suppose, but it's kind of like a mental loop-de-loop of "well, I want this boy because he gets as much satisfaction out of this torture as I do." So it's a mutual thing... not really, now that I think about it, contradictory to BDSM.

I'm not entirely sure if this makes sense. Feel free to ask any questions if it doesn't.

 

[s_red830]

I am almost completely sexually dominant, because I feel violated if I am not in that place. Emotionally, however, I'm more dominant than not, but I still have subby tendencies (well, what seems to me to be subby)... I always want to make sure my sub is happy, and I check in with him a great deal, although it is quite clear who makes the decisions. Part of what gets me off, too, is pleasing my partner... this kind of sounds un-Dommy, I suppose, but it's kind of like a mental loop-de-loop of "well, I want this boy because he gets as much satisfaction out of this torture as I do." So it's a mutual thing... not really, now that I think about it, contradictory to BDSM.

I'm not entirely sure if this makes sense. Feel free to ask any questions if it doesn't.

I don't know, I'm not really very sure about this either... maybe it's the Daddy Domm tendencies in me. :shrug:

 

[Netzach]

I am almost completely sexually dominant, because I feel violated if I am not in that place. Emotionally, however, I'm more dominant than not, but I still have subby tendencies (well, what seems to me to be subby)... I always want to make sure my sub is happy, and I check in with him a great deal, although it is quite clear who makes the decisions. Part of what gets me off, too, is pleasing my partner... this kind of sounds un-Dommy, I suppose, but it's kind of like a mental loop-de-loop of "well, I want this boy because he gets as much satisfaction out of this torture as I do." So it's a mutual thing... not really, now that I think about it, contradictory to BDSM.

I'm not entirely sure if this makes sense. Feel free to ask any questions if it doesn't.

This makes total sense. I don't think there's anything especially submissive about getting a charge out of someone else's enjoyment - I think it's one of the fun things about interacting with other humans across the board. I think it's part of why people still go to movie theaters. I think it's why people like to have sex at all. It's kind of a mental surge to experience something emotional around other people and with other people, why not SM?

 

[Bredon]

Hey red--

we seem to tick very similar there

I am almost completely sexually dominant, because I feel violated if I am not in that place. Emotionally, however, I'm more dominant than not, but I still have subby tendencies (well, what seems to me to be subby)... I always want to make sure my sub is happy, and I check in with him a great deal, although it is quite clear who makes the decisions. Part of what gets me off, too, is pleasing my partner... this kind of sounds un-Dommy, I suppose, but it's kind of like a mental loop-de-loop of "well, I want this boy because he gets as much satisfaction out of this torture as I do." So it's a mutual thing... not really, now that I think about it, contradictory to BDSM.

I used to think that this proved that I'm not a "real" dom. I have found from reading this board (there is a What makes a good dom? thread somewhere) and from reading THE NEW TOPPING BOOK that all these traits are common traits for doms Yeah!! I'm a dom after all

Bredon

 

[s_red830]

Hey red--

we seem to tick very similar there



I used to think that this proved that I'm not a "real" dom. I have found from reading this board (there is a What makes a good dom? thread somewhere) and from reading THE NEW TOPPING BOOK that all these traits are common traits for doms Yeah!! I'm a dom after all

Bredon

Woot! I need to get myself that book!!!!

I'll look for that thread.

We seem to tick very similar in a lot of ways, lol. Go us.

 

[s_red830]

This makes total sense. I don't think there's anything especially submissive about getting a charge out of someone else's enjoyment - I think it's one of the fun things about interacting with other humans across the board. I think it's part of why people still go to movie theaters. I think it's why people like to have sex at all. It's kind of a mental surge to experience something emotional around other people and with other people, why not SM?

Very true, very true. Thanks for the insight.

 

[Shankara20]

I came into this "thing that we do" as a bottom, exploring that space with the services of a ProDomme.

I remember the first day at work after my first session with her. My boss yelled my name from his office and I started to drop into sub space, in a flash of insight I spoke these words to myself "I'm not going to be his sub, I'm not paying him to dominate me!" I took my good time getting up and walking in to his office and looking him in the eye I asked "is there something you want?" I probably should have know then and there that I was a switch.

Sometime and a bunch of sessions later with Ma'am I got clear on my switchness. We had just finish an intense flogging session and I was higher than a kite. As she let my wrist restraints loose I dropped to the floor. I still remember crawling naked on my hands and knees to her feet to offer her thanks. As soon as that was finished she said "you are free to say what you wish". Looking over the her flogger I said "Show me how to use that thing!" Well as soon as we dealt with my obvious lack of sub-speak, for the first time I might add, we discussed scheduling less "service" sessions and start with "training" sessions.

I was confused about my identity as I had yet to hear of a "switch". This was over 11 years ago and these online groups were just stating. Eventually Ma'am started talking about her own switchness and it started to fall into place.

 

[sexwhiledrving]

Sometimes in the driver's seat and other times tied up in the passenger seat.

Please pardon me if this question is naive, I'm still pretty new to this culture.

Do you find that, when it somes to Dom or Sub, you are definitely one or the other, or do you switch between the two?

Thank you.

 

[Etoile]

I am almost completely sexually dominant, because I feel violated if I am not in that place. Emotionally, however, I'm more dominant than not, but I still have subby tendencies (well, what seems to me to be subby)... I always want to make sure my sub is happy, and I check in with him a great deal, although it is quite clear who makes the decisions. Part of what gets me off, too, is pleasing my partner... this kind of sounds un-Dommy, I suppose, but it's kind of like a mental loop-de-loop of "well, I want this boy because he gets as much satisfaction out of this torture as I do." So it's a mutual thing... not really, now that I think about it, contradictory to BDSM.

I'm not entirely sure if this makes sense. Feel free to ask any questions if it doesn't.

Wonderful to see you again.

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

Honestly, in public with G(and at work) I am fairly dominant and a tease more often then not. In private though I'm more inclined to lean against him and take orders. Some nights I tell him that I want to go out and have him make the decisions about what we do and where we go.

Overall I'm a submissive but I am not open to being a doormat and thanks to mom I am a fairly strong, independent women. G likes the fact that I am strong and independent, all the more fun for him to sweep me over his shoulder and have me clinging to him. I still do small things for G that enforce the submissiveness like giving him pictures of me to put in his locker and what not. Heh...

 

[All_in_the_mind]

Please pardon me if this question is naive, I'm still pretty new to this culture.

Do you find that, when it somes to Dom or Sub, you are definitely one or the other, or do you switch between the two?

Thank you.

What a question, and what a range of answers.

Ok - in my stories and my sexual core I am a dominant.

However, until recently in my life I have been submissive in character and hidden my dominant nature - causing me a lot of psychic pain.

Now, as a "released" Dominant, my past life has helped me to understand and care for submissives, while my Dominant can enjoy being served.

Is that the best of both worlds??

 

[lil_slave_rose]

By your definition, i am 100% submissive. i find that i am becoming more and more submissive as my relationship with Sir grows though. i can't wait to be collared as His slave. That would mean more to me than if He placed a ring around my finger and asked me to marry Him.

i know what you mean. Master and i picked out my collar together when He was here and when He placed it on me, it was the most awesome feeling ever. wearing it gives me such great pride and happieness. i take it off only at night to sleep and it goes right back on when i wake up. and the collar to me, means more than any ring ever could. it is a symbol of our bond and devotion to each other, and truly makes me feel owned..and i LOVE that feeling

 

[Etoile]

I hope nobody minds if I grouch a bit here. Personally, I don't like the "a collar is the same as a wedding ring" or "a collar means more than a wedding ring" idea. Speaking as somebody who cannot get legally married, to me a wedding ring means a whole helluva lot more than a collar. I guess it's jealousy to an extent - most people who say "it's more important than a ring" do have the ability to get married if they want to, so they have the luxury of determining what is more important to them personally. But from my perspective, a collar has exactly the same amount of legal importance as the rings my wife and I wear - which is to say, none at all. It's all very well and good to be so in love and feel that your D/s status is more important than your marital status, but when push comes to shove you still have the option of visiting your Dom if he's in the hospital, or getting health insurance for your sub if she doesn't have a job. All you have to do is get married. I wish more straight people would realize what a luxury that is to be able to take care of each other that way. I'm thrilled for people who put the same amount of importance on a collar that they do on a wedding ring, but the fact is they are just not the same thing and cannot ever be.

(The above is admittedly emotional, and I can see the other side of the coin. I'm just cranky that my wife and I can't get married, is all.)