Question about the nature of your identity

[s_red830]

*blushes* oh, keep meaning to tell you just how much I love your AV - the one time I really had the hots for Julie Andrews!

Lol... seriously. Not exactly my cup of tea otherwise.

 

[Bredon]

If you had told me this a million times, that I might *like* being spanked let alone having a cute 21 yo girl put a needle into my boob I would have told you to take a flying leap.

Netzach-- I honestly can't imagine, but perhaps I should try-- but then again, only boys turn me on, but I won't be topp'd in anyway by a boy, so how can I be turned on and receive pain at the same time *scratches head*

Neon-- So you think we are all soft inside? Or does that hold true only for the into-girls variety?
I'm more soft on the outside but surprisingly mean on the inside...

Bredon

 

[neonflux]

Neon-- So you think we are all soft inside? Or does that hold true only for the into-girls variety?
I'm more soft on the outside but surprisingly mean on the inside...

Bredon

Well, there are exceptions, LOL. Then again, being sadistic - even extremely saddistic, doesn't negate having a soft side. I am living proof, sweet . I even save spiders (weird but true...)

Neon

 

[Netzach]

Netzach-- I honestly can't imagine, but perhaps I should try-- but then again, only boys turn me on, but I won't be topp'd in anyway by a boy, so how can I be turned on and receive pain at the same time *scratches head*

Bredon

This is a quandary. Maybe a strict femme to pinch your nips if you don't cane your begging and panting boy's butt hard enough?

 

[Bredon]

Bugger, Neon--

I safe spiders too *blush*

Netzach--

This is a quandary. Maybe a strict femme to pinch your nips if you don't cane your begging and panting boy's butt hard enough?

even tough I dunno what nips are (no native speaker)-- this scene makes me all dizzy... *moans*

Darn, and I was meant to sleep---

Bredon

 

[s_red830]

Nips = nipples.

 

[Bredon]

Lol

 

[SpectreT]

An earlier question snagged a mental thread, and my grey matter is unravelling. I'll try to address it before my thoughts become too chaotic.

"Are we all soft on the inside?"

Well, anatomically speaking, that's where the squishy bits are.

I think we're all human. (well, most of us. )

We all have our moods and desires.

We all have our areas where we're "soft", I think. Having a loving nurturing nature by no means precludes having a sadistic nature as well. I'm primarily speaking in theory, as it's been a fair amount of time since I've been in a relationship, and my memory's getting dim... (Self-deprecating humor. The kind I'm best at.)

In fact, sometimes that loving nurturing nature can fuel the sadistic impulse. If you believe that through adversity, people grow, sadism's a perfectly legitimate expression of love and caring. Especially if it makes them hot, too.

 

[neonflux]

In fact, sometimes that loving nurturing nature can fuel the sadistic impulse. If you believe that through adversity, people grow, sadism's a perfectly legitimate expression of love and caring. Especially if it makes them hot, too.

I totally agree... while I am learning that I can be extremely sadistic, the act itself is linked to tenderness - I often feel very tender while administering pain, always feel tender after. It's an interesting paradox - that I can enjoy feelings of cruelty and love at the same time.

On a more spiritual note, the largest statue on my alter (used as a meditation focus, not for worship, per se) is Kali, who among many things represents transformation through pain, destruction and resurrection, etc.

That said, I do think that there are people who don't feel tenderness. But those are people who can't bond emotionally with anyone, can't feel empathy...

Neon

P.S., SpectreT, I missed you and am glad you're posting again

 

[BeachGurl2]

Wow. Quite the interesting discussion here. Back to the OP's original question, I am 100% submissive in relationships, however, in my work life, I am quite alpha. The thought of sexually dominating someone throws me into a fit of the giggles. I have no clue what to do. Even when instructed, I just don't feel comfortable in that role. I must say that I can understand the earlier statement someone made about getting physically ill at the thought of submitting - for me, I can get physically ill at the thought of dominating. Not because it's abhorrent to me, but because it is so against my nature. It is completely outside my box.

Outside the bedroom, there are things that I know I do well, so I tend to take charge of them, however, I still find myself deferring when there is someone to defer to (no relationship right now). Maybe, as others have mentioned, it's those Cancer tendencies - the nurturing, caring, mother earth thing. I don't know what it is, but it is who I am.

In my work life, I am very alpha. I take charge, but I'm not someone who stands over subordinates and monitors their work. I'm a hands off leader when in leadership positions. I am very good at reading people and discovering their talents, so I often find myself placing people in jobs or giving them tasks and then letting them run with it. But in some ways, my submissiveness does come out, even in my leadership. So it's a bit of a quandry for me. I'm patient with people, which is good since I'm a trainer. Funny, I started talking about how alpha I am at work and realized how many of my ways of doing things could be also considered submissive. Hmmmm. I'm going to have to think on that a bit. That's especially confusing since I've spent the last 10+ years in positions of authority over others. Must think some more.

 

[neonflux]

<snip>In my work life, I am very alpha. I take charge, but I'm not someone who stands over subordinates and monitors their work. I'm a hands off leader when in leadership positions. I am very good at reading people and discovering their talents, so I often find myself placing people in jobs or giving them tasks and then letting them run with it. But in some ways, my submissiveness does come out, even in my leadership. So it's a bit of a quandry for me. I'm patient with people, which is good since I'm a trainer. Funny, I started talking about how alpha I am at work and realized how many of my ways of doing things could be also considered submissive. Hmmmm. I'm going to have to think on that a bit. That's especially confusing since I've spent the last 10+ years in positions of authority over others. Must think some more.

I am a trainer, also, and supervise people, in what sounds like very similar ways. I don't think what you're describing is a submissive way of doing things, although I think it's easy to perceive it that way because we live in such a "top" culture. I think it's an alternative way of handling power - one where one gets power by giving it. Hmmmmm... Sounds a little like BDSM energy exchange... ~ Neon

 

[FluteMaster]

I am a trainer, also, and supervise people, in what sounds like very similar ways. I don't think what you're describing is a submissive way of doing things, although I think it's easy to perceive it that way because we live in such a "top" culture. I think it's an alternative way of handling power - one where one gets power by giving it. Hmmmmm... Sounds a little like BDSM energy exchange... ~ Neon

Hey - I couldn't agree more. Somehow we are back into the stereotypes of the bossy Dom/me who is constantly barking orders, or the submissive who spends their life quivering on their knees. I would consider the first as a bully and the second as a doormat.

My strength comes from care and compassion, as well as a desire to meet my sub's deepest needs while fulfilling my own. However, to identify those needs, and to care for others around me, I use sensitivity, reflective listening, empathy and self humility. These are all soft skills, but crucial for someone who wishes to improve their skills as a dominant. I want to command respect, not to demand it.

On the other hand, I have always been attracted to submissives who are strong in character. Their strength has a number of benefits.

1) They are more comfortable within and therefore more able to allow us to explore and uncover their desires and wants. In other words, I find them easier to hear.

2) Their submission, when it happens, is all the sweeter because they are giving of their strength as well as their weakness. Someone once said that you cannot give what you haven't got.

3) I am honest enough in myself to recognise my own self doubts, and that I too need someone who I can share with emotionally, who will be able to reach out and support me at times.

lol - more ramblings, but I hope it keeps this thread going.

 

[Bredon]

SpectreT

I think we're all human. (well, most of us. )

We all have our moods and desires.

We all have our areas where we're "soft", I think. Having a loving nurturing nature by no means precludes having a sadistic nature as well. I'm primarily speaking in theory, as it's been a fair amount of time since I've been in a relationship, and my memory's getting dim... (Self-deprecating humor. The kind I'm best at.)

In fact, sometimes that loving nurturing nature can fuel the sadistic impulse. If you believe that through adversity, people grow, sadism's a perfectly legitimate expression of love and caring. Especially if it makes them hot, too.

That rings very true with me-- though I don't understand why it is so--
Also
Neon's
tender sadism. I cn relate to that too-- I was pretty overwhelmed from that feeling when I got it the first time. Im a very tender dom... again, the Topping Book opened my eyes about that a bit--

Patience-- I think that's a characteristic of top and bottom-- hmmm... I don't think that itS' possible to split human characteristocs into top/bottom. That's as absurd as with male/female. I think it's more what you use these characteristics or behaviours for that makes you one or the other-- in the end it's more about your aim--

FluteMaster--
very good text, thank you! I'm all for strong subs too, weak subs frighten me a bit.

Bredon