question(s)about sharing.

[catalina_francisco]

Seems the monogamy fear is the same, be it a nilla or kinked relationship. I went through the same argument with my previous, undominant partner.

I don't actually feel anymore it is related to monogamy as such. I think the differentiation has to be made between sharing and swinging in that my understanding at least means sharing is something he does with me, not me going out to have sex with another because that is what I want to do. He maintains the control, he decides with whom, when, and where. In vanilla it is usually more both people reserving the right to seek other sexual partners which then can turn to fears one or the other may leave the SO for another. In sharing it is about power exchange, allowing yourself to be shared in an object sense, a service provider, a tool for his amusement and use. I guess in a way what I define as different is throughout the experience I am aware he controls it all and is there, he is the connection point, whereas if I were in a relationship which included mutual swinging it would feel more an unconnected (to my SO) act where we were both free to explore our desire for others without necessarily being related to any input or opinion from the SO, or in the presence of the SO.

Catalina

 

[ownedsubgal]

I believe wholeheartedly in sharing like a party favor. I believe in passing the candy. Whether the relationship is long term and exclusive or short term and situational....I like the sub who likes to be shared.

You wanna play with me, lil girl, if you flag objectification, don't whine at me when objectification time comes.

STD and other safety measures in place, natch.

my heart warmed up when i read this response of yours, Netzach. it is much like something my Master would say on the matter. He believes that part of being a good host to his male guests, is offering his guests a glass of good scotch (or just juice, if they want it), chips and veggies with dip, and a blowjob from his little slut. He might notice them eyeing me or a particular part of my body and ask, "that look good to you?", and after they respond in the affirmative, he'll say, "well go ahead, fuck the slut, or make her choke on your cock, pop her behind if she's not quick enough, she knows to be a good bitch." and that does not make me feel any less loved, or cherished, or respected by my Master and Mate. if anything, it only makes me feel all the more special and adored, because Daddy is a gentleman of class...He would never offer crap, to a guest.

 

[Quint]

I don't actually feel anymore it is related to monogamy as such. I think the differentiation has to be made between sharing and swinging in that my understanding at least means sharing is something he does with me, not me going out to have sex with another because that is what I want to do. He maintains the control, he decides with whom, when, and where. In vanilla it is usually more both people reserving the right to seek other sexual partners which then can turn to fears one or the other may leave the SO for another. In sharing it is about power exchange, allowing yourself to be shared in an object sense, a service provider, a tool for his amusement and use. I guess in a way what I define as different is throughout the experience I am aware he controls it all and is there, he is the connection point, whereas if I were in a relationship which included mutual swinging it would feel more an unconnected (to my SO) act where we were both free to explore our desire for others without necessarily being related to any input or opinion from the SO, or in the presence of the SO.

Catalina

I do understand the differentiation from the D/s point of view, which is important. However, the fear of "sharing my partner with another will make our union less special because it will no longer be just between us" is similar in either brand of relationship. There are reasons TO share which may be colored differently based on the nature of the couple ("It's hot seeing my wife fuck this other guy" vs. "He obeys me so well that I can offer his mouth to my guests"), but I think the main deterrant is essentially the same.

 

[Guest]

A Dom who hits you out of anger, has issues. And as I have said before it is domestic abuse/violence.

I don't share well... A sub, at least of the type that I am attracted to, I have no interest in sharing.
On the flip side of that. I have said before that if my other wants to keep pets, I don't particualarly mind. Which, you will understand, is a much different thing.

As for the other. Well, I am old enough, and have seen enough to where I wouldn't touch that one on a bet. Not unless I was actually there, and saw the entirety of the situation, from soup to nuts.

As for issues, I never met a Dom/me, or sub for that matter, that didn't have issues of some sort. In some they are more obvious than others. Hell some of us have entire subscriptions. If we didn't, we would probably be meandering our content vanilla way across the needlepoint board, instead of being here.

Does this mean that I advocate the the action... Nope. It is still a loss of control. And usually an indicator of some type of fear. If nothing else, it shows an inability to stand the thought of reminding someone where the door is. A much preferred course of action in my opinion.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't share well... A sub, at least of the type that I am attracted to, I have no interest in sharing.
On the flip side of that. I have said before that if my other wants to keep pets, I don't particualarly mind. Which, you will understand, is a much different thing.

As for the other. Well, I am old enough, and have seen enough to where I wouldn't touch that one on a bet. Not unless I was actually there, and saw the entirety of the situation, from soup to nuts.

In the general terms that the information was given in the opening thread, I stand by my comment. Generally speaking, when someone starts hitting out of anger, it is a sign of a lack of control and in this case, this man is no longer a Dom but is behaving like a brute. The thread starter gave us no further information to go on, so I am speaking in the same general terms that she was. It is a violent act and is no more a part of the bdsm or D/s scene, in MY opinion.

As for issues, I never met a Dom/me, or sub for that matter, that didn't have issues of some sort. In some they are more obvious than others. Hell some of us have entire subscriptions. If we didn't, we would probably be meandering our content vanilla way across the needlepoint board, instead of being here.

I do not view every Dom or sub that I meet as dysfunctional or in your words, "having issues." I have no issues that make me a submissive or keep me from "meandering in a content vanilla way." I am a submissive because that is what I am... inside. I have found that many of the submissive women I have met are just like me. My submission is not a reaction to any type of childhood trauma or any act of sexual violence against me. I don't see being a Dom or a sub as some sort of reactionary means to dealing with issues. It might be the case for some people but it is not the case across the board.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to agree with ADR on both these points. There is a clear line between abuse and BDSM practices and are safer to not be confused. Controlling emotions is said to be one of the cornerstones of SSC, and in vanilla is also seen to be necessary. When someone hits in anger, they have lost their control and are no longer a safe partner.

I also feel many in the lifestyle are here because they want to be, not because they feel it will 'fix' them. That is a big ask and not altogether a good one to revert to. Everyone has issues stemming from life, but it is never good to use them to make life choices in preference to dealing with them.

Catalina

 

[Sirs Lady]

It's great that there are so many different responses to my inquiry. It is informative.

A Desert Rose: I gave a very brief explanation for my question about my Dom hitting me a few comments back.. I have chosen to forgive him for it. I was curious as to what others thought about it.

The night he had hit me, we got into an argument about a situation he and i have been dealing with for a while. Instead of telling me what happened, he lied to me. "to protect my feelings" I caught him in the lie and let him know about it. It escalated into a big deal, I had been drinking and the situation hurt a wholoe lot. I pushed the issue, he got mad, hit me...i hit him back, and that is when he called his roommate in to take me for a ride to let us cool down. The situation is dealt with now, for the most part, but I wanted to know what other ppl thought of the situation. When we talked about it, he said that it was the lifestyle that led to him doing that. That it would never happen again. We'll see.

As for a reason for being in the lifestyle, i have had a traumatic experience, three to be exact, but I don't feel that it is why i am attracted to the lifestyle. I've had issues since, wondering just how crazy i was to intentionally get involved in a situation that leads to what was forced upon me so many times a long time ago...I hope that makes sense. I welcome responses, if you like.

Sirs Lady

 

[A Desert Rose]

Please don't misunderstand me.... My post was not about you, it was about what the guy said in his post when he quoted ME.

All I was trying to do was explain MY position in general terms. I pm'd him and he never responded so I posted it instead.

I am sorry for any misfortune in your life but that does not change my position. Not everyone who is a submissive (or a Dom/me) has had misfortunate events in their lives. I do not like to paint an entire group of people with that broad a paintbrush.

 

[Netzach]

my heart warmed up when i read this response of yours, Netzach. it is much like something my Master would say on the matter. He believes that part of being a good host to his male guests, is offering his guests a glass of good scotch (or just juice, if they want it), chips and veggies with dip, and a blowjob from his little slut. He might notice them eyeing me or a particular part of my body and ask, "that look good to you?", and after they respond in the affirmative, he'll say, "well go ahead, fuck the slut, or make her choke on your cock, pop her behind if she's not quick enough, she knows to be a good bitch." and that does not make me feel any less loved, or cherished, or respected by my Master and Mate. if anything, it only makes me feel all the more special and adored, because Daddy is a gentleman of class...He would never offer crap, to a guest.

Precisely. It's like giving out the keys to your jag. I don't have a jag, I just sometimes am lucky enough to have a craven sexy creature under my command, which IMO is better.

Thing I need is more girlfriends. For the sharing of favors.

I don't think my co-workers would be into this kind of cookie exchange, somehow.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[FungiUg]

My little addition to the discussion...

Not everyone is emotionally geared up to share. Not everyone gets pleasure about the idea of sharing a partner with someone else. Some people regard sexual contact as an intimate part of a relationship and not to be shared.

This is true irrespective of D/s being involved. D/s doesn't automatically mean sharing will be included in a relationship. So if monogamy works for you... why the urge to change it?

The whole hitting thing is a whole nother discussion really. I would have to side with the earlier statement that hitting out of anger is a bad thing.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Have to agree with ADR on both these points. There is a clear line between abuse and BDSM practices and are safer to not be confused. Controlling emotions is said to be one of the cornerstones of SSC, and in vanilla is also seen to be necessary. When someone hits in anger, they have lost their control and are no longer a safe partner.

Catalina

this takes me back to Dominants being human beings. if i desired a Dominant who ALWAYS maintained COMPLETE and total control over himself and his emotions, i would want an android, a robot, not a Man. a Dominant like every other breathing and feeling human being on the planet has the right to lose it a little sometimes, and to make mistakes sometimes. losing their grip once or twice in life doesn't make them an abuser or bad person, just makes them human, imo. but then, my Master and i do not consider our lifestyle to fall under the bdsm category and do not live by the popular SSC mantra.

another thing i wanted to comment on is the assumption made by some that in order for a Dominant to become so angry that he could "lose control" and strike their submissive in anger, that the submissive must have done something terribly wrong or purposely pushed the Dominant's buttons. that does not have to be the case. misunderstandings, miscommunication, confusion...all can create the same kind of emotional upheavel as a cold hearted stab in the back. sometimes it's not a case of the relationship needing to be over, but simply a harsh reminder that the two involved must sit down and talk things out.

 

[A Desert Rose]

this takes me back to Dominants being human beings. if i desired a Dominant who ALWAYS maintained COMPLETE and total control over himself and his emotions, i would want an android, a robot, not a Man. a Dominant like every other breathing and feeling human being on the planet has the right to lose it a little sometimes, and to make mistakes sometimes. losing their grip once or twice in life doesn't make them an abuser or bad person, just makes them human, imo. but then, my Master and i do not consider our lifestyle to fall under the bdsm category and do not live by the popular SSC mantra.

another thing i wanted to comment on is the assumption made by some that in order for a Dominant to become so angry that he could "lose control" and strike their submissive in anger, that the submissive must have done something terribly wrong or purposely pushed the Dominant's buttons. that does not have to be the case. misunderstandings, miscommunication, confusion...all can create the same kind of emotional upheavel as a cold hearted stab in the back. sometimes it's not a case of the relationship needing to be over, but simply a harsh reminder that the two involved must sit down and talk things out.

Don't you get tired of typing this over and over again? Or do you have it written on a wordpad doc so all you have to do it copy and paste it, over and over again?

This topic has been bantered ad nauseum on this board. If some of you think it's okay to strike another in anger and think that is part of being human... so be it. No one is going to change your view of your world. And believe me, just like you, I could not care less about your view of any world.

One thing is certain, it *is* pretty obvious that many of you have never been parents.

 

[Guest]

Please don't misunderstand me.... My post was not about you, it was about what the guy said in his post when he quoted ME.

All I was trying to do was explain MY position in general terms. I pm'd him and he never responded so I posted it instead.

I am sorry for any misfortune in your life but that does not change my position. Not everyone who is a submissive (or a Dom/me) has had misfortunate events in their lives. I do not like to paint an entire group of people with that broad a paintbrush.

First, a quick apology to assorted uninvolved others.

There was a long post here but I decided that it just wasn't worth the bother. Instead I have left one comment, as follows.

Lessee I would be "the guy" in question.

And I have not replied to ADR's PM yet because
1: I wanted to think over my response a bit, and
2: I post, or reply, or not, on my schedule, not when others think I should. I have a real life, I'm a parent, etc etc etc.. I don't spend that much time on the comp most days. Usually only at night when I have trouble getting to sleep.

Thats pretty much all I have to say at the moment.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Don't you get tired of typing this over and over again? Or do you have it written on a wordpad doc so all you have to do it copy and paste it, over and over again?

This topic has been bantered ad nauseum on this board. If some of you think it's okay to strike another in anger and think that is part of being human... so be it. No one is going to change your view of your world. And believe me, just like you, I could not care less about your view of any world.

One thing is certain, it *is* pretty obvious that many of you have never been parents.

Sorry to disagree, but discussion is always good and if anyone has something to say they should feel free to instead of feeling the topic has been closed because some people feel it should be. Communication is the key to widening our experience and understanding of the world and to close the mind to that invites stagnation.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

this takes me back to Dominants being human beings. if i desired a Dominant who ALWAYS maintained COMPLETE and total control over himself and his emotions, i would want an android, a robot, not a Man. a Dominant like every other breathing and feeling human being on the planet has the right to lose it a little sometimes, and to make mistakes sometimes. losing their grip once or twice in life doesn't make them an abuser or bad person, just makes them human, imo. but then, my Master and i do not consider our lifestyle to fall under the bdsm category and do not live by the popular SSC mantra.

another thing i wanted to comment on is the assumption made by some that in order for a Dominant to become so angry that he could "lose control" and strike their submissive in anger, that the submissive must have done something terribly wrong or purposely pushed the Dominant's buttons. that does not have to be the case. misunderstandings, miscommunication, confusion...all can create the same kind of emotional upheavel as a cold hearted stab in the back. sometimes it's not a case of the relationship needing to be over, but simply a harsh reminder that the two involved must sit down and talk things out.

I agree in part, but to me if he is not in control of his emotions to this level he is not going to be someone I see as capable of, or an example of why I should accept that control. Anger is one thing, and is manageable. People who claim to hit out in anger with a SO are more often than not using it as an excuse to absolve them of responsibility, and to cover their inappropriate means of gaining control when they feel they cannot gain it any other way....which does not fit with Dominant behaviour for me. If these episodes are anger motivated and justifiable out of control moments that could not be avoided, why is it most men who react in this way do so when they are sure no-one else is around, or only in relation to their SO/children? That shows they do have control, and they do have choice, they just chopose otherwise because they do not have the means to gain that control in any other way. I do not find a man who resorts to non consensual physical abuse attractive in any form, more weak and ineffectual. Maybe that is because apart from the psychology behind their behaviour, I am attracted to strength of mind and character far before brute force.

Catalina

 

[Guest]

Sorry to disagree, but discussion is always good and if anyone has something to say they should feel free to instead of feeling the topic has been closed because some people feel it should be. Communication is the key to widening our experience and understanding of the world and to close the mind to that invites stagnation.

Catalina

Thank you for saying that

 

[A Desert Rose]

Sorry to disagree, but discussion is always good and if anyone has something to say they should feel free to instead of feeling the topic has been closed because some people feel it should be. Communication is the key to widening our experience and understanding of the world and to close the mind to that invites stagnation.

Catalina

No one said that opinions should be stiffled. But the same words over and over again get mmm redundent. There is no question about how certain people feel about certain topics here... me and you included.

Show me where I said the topic is closed. Don't accuse me of preaching to people that what I say is all there is.

Carry on...please. I posted early in here and not again til it came to my attention that I had been quoted. I waited for a response, nearly 24 hours, after it was read and never got one. I came in here and posted again.

 

[catalina_francisco]

No one said that opinions should be stiffled. But the same words over and over again get mmm redundent. There is no question about how certain people feel about certain topics here... me and you included.

Show me where I said the topic is closed. Don't accuse me of preaching to people that what I say is all there is.

Carry on...please. I posted early in here and not again til it came to my attention that I had been quoted. I waited for a response, nearly 24 hours, after it was read and never got one. I came in here and posted again.

This topic has been bantered ad nauseum on this board.
No one is going to change your view of your world. And believe me, just like you, I could not care less about your view of any world.

Well I'm sorry, apart from not recalling I accused you of preaching (though I will keep looking for it as it must be there), these above statements of yours do put a message out there that the topic should be closed in your opinion, and does effectively on occasion put off people posting for fear of more targeting of their input as unnecessary....and it is not the first time you have made the same statement on a thread which for some reason you felt the the discussion was done to dealth and shoud stop. Also you have added to that to point out that you see it as pointless because you feel people do not change their views (thankfully many of us do if we see reason to), and that you place no value on anyone else's thoughts, observations, experiences etc. To me to also presume everyone feels the same as you in viewing other's views as worthless and not worth thinking about is closed minded and very wrong as I time and time again see people, including myself, valueing and asking for others to share on the board so we can all learn from each other. I am sorry ADR but these are your words so own them.

One thing is certain, it *is* pretty obvious that many of you have never been parents.

And this statement is pure judgemental and assuming again. Your way of parenting is not everyone's nor is it the one true and best way of parenting, so because someone chooses to live a certain way does not mean they are not a parent, have not been a parent, or are not a good parent. You yourself could have the same accusation leveled at you from some just because you are interested in this type lifestyle or you post AV's of various stages of you undressed, exposed, or otherwise. It is all judgemental and not at all indicative of whether a person is a parent or not, just that they live the way they find best for them. As i have said to you before, you cannot continue to attack and negatively judge others then cry foul if someone does not accept it, or demonstrates to you what it feels like to be on the receiving end of your words and anger. We have been friends, I have been there for you in good and bad times, but I will not accept your venom whenever it pleases you to let loose. Own your words and take responsibility for them.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

Sadly, all too many parents think it is perfectly acceptable to hit their children -- in anger or not. This is true even her in New Zealand, where it is illegal to hit children. My lover is a primary school teacher, and there are cases every year where children are being physically abused by their parents.

In my own case, the physical abuse was administered coldly, rather than out of anger. I have no idea if that makes a difference. But my step father certainly felt no shame in sending me (as a child of 8) to school with bruises and welts from the back of my knees to the small of my back.

So... violence is out there. For some people, it's almost a way of life. Do I like it? No way. Do I think it's acceptable? No. But it does happen, and many parents do think it IS acceptable.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Im sorry this posted three times.

 

[A Desert Rose]

.

 

[A Desert Rose]

This topic has been bantered ad nauseum on this board.
No one is going to change your view of your world. And believe me, just like you, I could not care less about your view of any world.

Well I'm sorry, apart from not recalling I accused you of preaching (though I will keep looking for it as it must be there), these above statements of yours do put a message out there that the topic should be closed in your opinion, and does effectively on occasion put off people posting for fear of more targeting of their input as unnecessary....and it is not the first time you have made the same statement on a thread which for some reason you felt the the discussion was done to dealth and shoud stop. Also you have added to that to point out that you see it as pointless because you feel people do not change their views (thankfully many of us do if we see reason to), and that you place no value on anyone else's thoughts, observations, experiences etc. To me to also presume everyone feels the same as you in viewing other's views as worthless and not worth thinking about is closed minded and very wrong as I time and time again see people, including myself, valueing and asking for others to share on the board so we can all learn from each other. I am sorry ADR but these are your words so own them.

One thing is certain, it *is* pretty obvious that many of you have never been parents.

And this statement is pure judgemental and assuming again. Your way of parenting is not everyone's nor is it the one true and best way of parenting, so because someone chooses to live a certain way does not mean they are not a parent, have not been a parent, or are not a good parent. You yourself could have the same accusation leveled at you from some just because you are interested in this type lifestyle or you post AV's of various stages of you undressed, exposed, or otherwise. It is all judgemental and not at all indicative of whether a person is a parent or not, just that they live the way they find best for them. As i have said to you before, you cannot continue to attack and negatively judge others then cry foul if someone does not accept it, or demonstrates to you what it feels like to be on the receiving end of your words and anger. We have been friends, I have been there for you in good and bad times, but I will not accept your venom whenever it pleases you to let loose. Own your words and take responsibility for them.

Catalina

The topic is closed, yes... to me. I said my peice on this and now like I know you love it... you have the last word. Unlike you, I won't say things in print to you that I might regret later.

 

[WriterDom]

Originally posted by catalina_francisco We have been friends, I have been there for you in good and bad times, but I will not accept your venom whenever it pleases you to let loose. Own your words and take responsibility for them.

Catalina [/B]

Just because ADR has a different opinion, doesn't make it venom. Aren't there things you can't accept. If a guy fucks 12 year old boys, and posted about it, would you feel a need to be accepting and supporting of that?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Just because ADR has a different opinion, doesn't make it venom. Aren't there things you can't accept. If a guy fucks 12 year old boys, and posted about it, would you feel a need to be accepting and supporting of that?

I think you are a bit distracted at the moment and likely have a censored picture of the whole story WD. I call uninvited and uninitiated PM's full of accusations and judgements venom.....and they weren't regarding 12 year olds. Pity that is the best you can come up with but as I said you are distracted looking at other things....hopefully soon you will have the pleasure of getting your hands on what fills your mind.

Catalina