question(s)about sharing.

[TigerClaw]

I have a mentor friend that I talk to occassionally, one of the first things he told me when i was learning and reading about the lifestyle is that there is no right or wrong way to live it.

I have met some very wonderful people who either lean to or believe this.

I have met others that dont see it that way.

 

[snoozebutton]

I have a mentor friend that I talk to occassionally, one of the first things he told me when i was learning and reading about the lifestyle is that there is no right or wrong way to live it. ownedsubgirl has found her way to live it and others have found theirs.

I had a hard time in the beginning; as i was reading and looking into the lifestyle. I thought I was insane, crazy, that something was really wrong with me. I'd been through some pretty violent stuff when i was younger and couldn't believe that something like this would attract me. It made me feel disgusted with myself. my Mentor and eventually my Sir made me feel better about it.

My Sir hits me sexually, it is something i crave and want, the time he hit me out of anger was the first. I hit him back, he still has a scar from it. He has a desire to control me more. I'm slowly giving it to him as I learn to trust him more. I'm very hard headed and like being able to take care of myself, learning to trust him has been pretty hard, not b/c of Him, but b/c of me. Hmm, i hope that makes sense. It is/was a pride thing.

anyway, i'm rambling again. i just wanted to throw that in there. i would think that most ppl coming into the lifestyle read and learn more about it as they join the ride. This has been the first site i've gone to where we sort of chat together and most ppl seem to be real into the lifestyle and can offer real advice. I think it is the responsibility of the person coming into this new world to make sure it is someting they want.

I totally agree to each their own. I but take a different road with the newbies. When I started I read plenty as well, but I gave more weight to advice from those I knew and thought to be experienced in this way of being. You said you had a mentor, what if he would have pushed you and said you were not normal. Knowing you sought advice because you respected him. That may have changed you outlook and the kind iof submissive you are. Reading is great but interacting is where you find acceptance and peace. So yes it does make a BIG difference. I'm all for learning yourself but just want them to be what they are not a copy of whomever's influence they fall under. So every post and comment carries weight. So while there is no right or wrong way to live the life, interacting with others carries responsibility. Saying that I do respect everyone's choice and actually can learn from them. I believe a thread dealing with the inner needs ,you spoke of, would be educational. As many, myself included , could learn and understand and not just dismiss as too extreme.

 

[Netzach]

The best service that a community can provide to it's "newbies" is information, lots of it. Mentorship should mean "I have a person to bounce stuff off of" not "I have some in loco parentis protector."

It might be compared to college.
They don't tell you what to do in college, you get information and you learn how to find the information you need to know what *you* need to know.

I bascially try to ban "always" "never" and "should" from my vocab. I was encouraged to do this by my own mentor, I encourage it in my own submissives and people coming to me for advice.

I]edited to add, it's not easy...see the "should" up there? ^[/I]

This is an interesting life. Dom and sub alike, we eventually find ourselves coming to love things we "never" and "shouldn't." osg's life would not work for me, it works for her. Mine certainly would not work for her, it works for me. Which of us is obligated to shut up?

I think once someone agrees to be my slave it's acceptable for me to hit them *for any damn reason I choose.*

Note, my partner is not my slave. That's not the tenor I choose in my primary relationship. But I have had slaves. Chattel. Property. And I hit them. And I ignored them. And I treated them to coffee and hung out and hugged them. It was always my prerogative. There was nothing romantic or pretty about the notion, it's not PC and it's not, in my opinion, the ideal level for *most* newbies to rush into. There are exceptions to every rule.

Information, information, information. Listen to others accept what works, and above all, know thyself.[

 

[Sirs Lady]

I totally agree to each their own. I but take a different road with the newbies. When I started I read plenty as well, but I gave more weight to advice from those I knew and thought to be experienced in this way of being. You said you had a mentor, what if he would have pushed you and said you were not normal. Knowing you sought advice because you respected him. That may have changed you outlook and the kind iof submissive you are. Reading is great but interacting is where you find acceptance and peace. So yes it does make a BIG difference. I'm all for learning yourself but just want them to be what they are not a copy of whomever's influence they fall under. So every post and comment carries weight. So while there is no right or wrong way to live the life, interacting with others carries responsibility. Saying that I do respect everyone's choice and actually can learn from them. I believe a thread dealing with the inner needs ,you spoke of, would be educational. As many, myself included , could learn and understand and not just dismiss as too extreme.

I see what you're saying and understand completely. I believe I was lucky then as far as my mentor is concerned. i want to add also that He would talk to me about safe sane and consensual....if just one of those are missing then i may want to walk away. He did a good job, i believe, making sure i made up my own mind during a lot of different situations.

As far as meeting ppl in real time who are into this, this website is the closest I've become. I've gone to chat rooms, but they seem to be full of ppl who have no idea what this is all about. They're just into it as some type of fantasy. the "sirs" would demand me to call them sir before i could talk in the room before they even gained my respect....that has been a big discussion between me and others...but that is another story....my point is that i dont know anyone real time. I've heard of munches but i'm a little self conscious about them. i dont want to walk into a strange situation.

 

[Sirs Lady]

The best service that a community can provide to it's "newbies" is information, lots of it. Mentorship should mean "I have a person to bounce stuff off of" not "I have some in loco parentis protector."

It might be compared to college.


I think once someone agrees to be my slave it's acceptable for me to hit them *for any damn reason I choose.*

Note, my partner is not my slave. That's not the tenor I choose in my primary relationship. But I have had slaves. Chattel. Property. And I hit them. And I ignored them.

Information, information, information. Listen to others accept what works, and above all, know thyself.[

how do you choose if someone is your slave or your primary partner? jstcurious.....

 

[RoughPlay]

first i'll say that i have often misinterpreted the feelings behind someone else's words online, so i may be way off here. but i took the above to imply that 1. i have a "i don't care" attitude towards newcomers to the lifestyle; 2. that speaking about my way of life sends some kind of negative message to newcomers; and 3. that my Master treats me as nothing above a punching bag. so, i took offense. if i was wrong on the above, i accept that. but my comment was in reference to the responses of many on this board and not simply you personally, snoozebutton.

(btw, i personally believe that creating more division among lifestylers and lifestylers to be is indeed leading one in a negative direction)

ownedsubgal

I love your posts. I think they make fascinating reading and they
are often a big turn on for me. Keep up the good work.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i was fortunate that i found my Master when i did and learned that i am not some horrible freak of nature, that the things i desire and need are not so crazy, that i do actually belong in this lifestyle. not everyone is so fortunate.

It is so often the way that there is an expected norm adhered to in the interests of not upsetting oithers, or not shocking, to the point where a huge part of the population either lives unauthentic lives to keep others happy, or live a double life so their authentic self is hidden to many. It is sad as one of the facts of life is you cannot please all the people all the time.....no one thing is going to make everyone happy....so the bottom line for peace of mind and spirit is to accept who you are and live in a way which makes you happy and does not hurt anyone else. As you already know, I admire you osg for the choices you have made and the authentic stye in which you live, despite what pressures are put on you to conform to the ideals of others.

Catalina

 

[snoozebutton]

I see what you're saying and understand completely. I believe I was lucky then as far as my mentor is concerned. i want to add also that He would talk to me about safe sane and consensual....if just one of those are missing then i may want to walk away. He did a good job, i believe, making sure i made up my own mind during a lot of different situations.

As far as meeting ppl in real time who are into this, this website is the closest I've become. I've gone to chat rooms, but they seem to be full of ppl who have no idea what this is all about. They're just into it as some type of fantasy. the "sirs" would demand me to call them sir before i could talk in the room before they even gained my respect....that has been a big discussion between me and others...but that is another story....my point is that i dont know anyone real time. I've heard of munches but i'm a little self conscious about them. i dont want to walk into a strange situation.

Thank you for your heartfelt answer. I'm truly happy that you got it right the first time and that he took the time to mentor you and explain that your voice counts. Yes, everyone can make a mistake so willingness to give a second chance can be warranted. I admit I'm more a general purpose dominant. So I'm trying to look through the eyes of someone else's perspective. But seeing that you have the inner strength to tell the difference between good and bad hitting, I think you are a good example someone with a more extreme tilt of the lifestyle. As to never meeting others in the lifestyle, it is truly a great experience. Sure, there may be some who you don't agree with, but even they can teach you something. If you're ever down south, me and the girls would be happy to show you around.

 

[Sirs Lady]

thank you for your nice words....how far down south? is there another way to find ppl in real time? closer to home?

 

[snoozebutton]

thank you for your nice words....how far down south? is there another way to find ppl in real time? closer to home?

I'll be honest never did the munch thing. I've just met people from this website. As to how far just two states down in South Carolina.

 

[catalina_francisco]

is there another way to find ppl in real time? closer to home?

Munches, clubs, groups, advertising...all are legitimate and good ways, and if done carefully can avoid those who may want to take advantage of inexperience and curiousity.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

how do you choose if someone is your slave or your primary partner? jstcurious.....

I chose my parimary partner based us the things most people choose a life partner based on. Mutual interests, clicking, attraction, compatibility, romantic head over heels, curiosity, shared goals....

I choose a slave on whether I like them reasonably well, whether I trust them, and whether they are capable of being used in the manner I need to use them. I'm kind of a renegade in the contemporary BDSM world in that, for me, *ownership* and *romantic partnership* are opposed and not compatible.

I can be friendly towards a slave, I can be kind and indulgent. But I'd no more marry or make love to one than I would my refrigerator.

That's what the word "slave" means to me -- human object, property. The moment I would have romantic attachement to that person they become something else and they gain too much power in the relationship to remain my slave.

My partner is submissive and submits to me, he is not a slave.

As for your lifting out my "I hit them for any damn reason I choose" let me make it clear to you that *if* someone is looking to be my slave they will be informed of this. There are no unpleasant surprises: there's plenty of time to think about whether they really want what they are asking for or not.

 

[Sirs Lady]

I see what you're saying...obviously for me, it is different. i love my Sir very much and want to be more his, more a part of him. I would love to feel him gently lift my mouth to his for a kiss, that would be more of a way to show me i'm his than a lot of other stuff sometimes..does that make sense? Though at the same time, feeling his hands around my neck as he is taking me gives me a sense of being his....I trust him more than i've trusted anyone. i want the world to know i belong to him..though many wouldnt understand. If i thought he didnt love me the same i would never be able to let him do what he does, nor would i crave it from him.

It is amazing and for some reason validating to see and read about everyones different views of this "lifestyle." it makes it much more realistic and it has helped me feel less self conscious about it. I've been a lot more confident in my decision than I have since I started reading about this...

okay, i'll stop....

 

[catalina_francisco]

If i thought he didnt love me the same i would never be able to let him do what he does, nor would i crave it from him.

It is amazing and for some reason validating to see and read about everyones different views of this "lifestyle." it makes it much more realistic and it has helped me feel less self conscious about it. I've been a lot more confident in my decision than I have since I started reading about this...

I can relate to what you say. Love can be a very real and deep part of the D/s relationship, and for us it gives us a solid base on which to build, a knowing that no matter what, we will always love each other and be together, work on the good and bad together. I have no desire to submit to another, nor receive pain or sex from another. Any interaction with others is as a tool for him, a way in which he controls all players in the situation, another way he finds to connect with me, to emphasise just how much control he has over me and how much I belong to him as his owned property in every sense.

Catalina

 

[Limbhugger]

Aimee,

Here's a link to my response to a "sharing" post a while back. Please keep in mind I went at this from strictly the "swinging" point of view and not D/s.

Hugger

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=213315&highlight=swingers

 

[catalina_francisco]

Aimee,

Here's a link to my response to a "sharing" post a while back. Please keep in mind I went at this from strictly the "swinging" point of view and not D/s.

Hugger

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=213315&highlight=swingers

Still think your posting was excellent and very relevant for D/s as well. Too many think it is a manageable thing when inside they know it is not what they want, or the timing is wrong, but they do it to please another without thinking seriously of the aftermathe.

Catalina

 

[TigerClaw]

Ok, Ive had to think about this one. I feel strongly on what I said, but then again I hadnt met someone with your opinion in a relationship.

I really like the healthy thought that you express below. I should think "IF" it got that far because of emotional feelings for and against the topic that 2 committed people would find a happy medium even if to agree to disagree.

My question - - - - - is would it get that far if they were committed in making things work? If I saw that my woman really felt that strongly on her point and I knew I couldnt do it, I would offer some kind of compromise before it got to that point.

And yes making it through the difficult parts does make the relationship, love and respect grow in a relationship. When you make it through a bump in the road and a resolution has been made that you are both happy or can live with it is a fantastic feeling. Yes, it does build on the love even if you think you love the person with every fiber already.

it's not a matter of compatibility, respect or love for eachother~~~ you wouldn't have gotten to this point if you didn't want understanding from eachother, if you didn't care about eachother soooo much so that you're risking it by 'fighting' for a resolution.. it's about dealing with it TOGETHER and overcoming the difficulties so what is natural in the relationship is growth~deepened trust and intimacy... deeeper love


this is all presuming the relationship is valued by BOTH and where it just seems there's no other way... there is.

 

[TigerClaw]

i do not feel i have a "responsibility" to newcomers to the lifestyle. it's sad that so many feel that we ought to preach one single right "way" to follow this lifestyle, all under the pretext of concern and safety. when i was a newbie myself, with no real clue about anything other than the knowledge that i was a born submissive, it was extremely depressing and disheartening to read book after book, article after article, post after post describing the sort of relationship i dreamed of and desired with all my heart as the "wrong way", describing submissives like myself as doormats. if there's anything i could tell a newbie, it would be to be true to yourself, take the path that is right and natural for YOU, and not the path that follows some D/s or bdsm guidebook on how this is supposed to be.

I have mixed feelings about quoting you here. I dont want to cause any more problems for you here on the thread. So, If you need or want me to take it out I will.

Ok, I come from the old school where no matter what you are in sports, lifestyle, work you do have a responsibility to newcomers to help them break in. So, I disagree with the first part of the quote. If it were not for some very wonderful people here on the site helping me grow in D/s I would not be here today.

The last part I agree with completely. There are people here who are into D/s much more then myself and those that are not. To say my way is the only way or that their way is the only way is wrong. But when people ask me I tell them what I do and like and to make sure they are aware that it is different for others. I suggest that they talk to others to get a cross section of what different people like. Then they can better choose what they are looking for or not looking for. It is ok for them to have a different view on what is ok or not ok for them.

 

[Limbhugger]

Still think your posting was excellent and very relevant for D/s as well. Too many think it is a manageable thing when inside they know it is not what they want, or the timing is wrong, but they do it to please another without thinking seriously of the aftermathe.

Catalina

Thank you. High praise from one so wise.

I'm often amazed how little (not meaning anyone here) people actually talk to their partners. I so often encounter poeple who find they can only discuss these topics in the middle of sex and afterwards feel too shy or dirty or silly or whatever. If that is the case I have no idea how they think they can then have sex with another.

For Wife and I everything is based on open, honest communication.

Hugger

 

[Sirs Lady]

wow, Hugger...you and also catalina and the others have been great answering my questions. Your post was incredibly thought out and heartfelt.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I have mixed feelings about quoting you here. I dont want to cause any more problems for you here on the thread. So, If you need or want me to take it out I will.

Ok, I come from the old school where no matter what you are in sports, lifestyle, work you do have a responsibility to newcomers to help them break in. So, I disagree with the first part of the quote. If it were not for some very wonderful people here on the site helping me grow in D/s I would not be here today.

The last part I agree with completely. There are people here who are into D/s much more then myself and those that are not. To say my way is the only way or that their way is the only way is wrong. But when people ask me I tell them what I do and like and to make sure they are aware that it is different for others. I suggest that they talk to others to get a cross section of what different people like. Then they can better choose what they are looking for or not looking for. It is ok for them to have a different view on what is ok or not ok for them.

You may (or may not) have misunderstood what i meant there...i did not mean to imply that i do not care about newcomers to the lifestyle, that i don't interact with them, wouldn't talk with them, give them information, etc...i just do not believe in the idea of having a responsibility to basically preach "the" way to live this lifestyle to new people. people ask questions, i answer them if i can, always clear that it's my experiences, or my opinion/feelings/needs/desires, and not any sort of law to live by.