random musings

[ultramarineblue]

Welcome back. It's interesting to come back and see where you were a year ago. If you've changed, moved forward. I joined in 2006 but didn't come back here until 2012 - which was a pretty short stint. Then came back again earlier this year.

Enjoy!

Thank you! It is definitely interesting!

Hey there, UMB!

Hey!!

Welcome back ~ your little thread is an interesting read in introspection and a search for self discovery and how to meet your needs.

I know the board has turned over a lot since you were here last and most of us will not be familiar to you... but there are, as there always have been, I think, good folks here still. Just different ones.

cb

The one thing in life that is consistent is that there is always change.

hello ultramarineblue ! Nice to see your name pop up again.

I'm glad to see you're still around!!

 

[ultramarineblue]

I got the "it's not you, it's me and I don't think we really mesh well together" speech today. I don't know what I did wrong. Was I too slutty, too clingy, too open, too something else? I just feel this huge need and I don't know what to do.

I also haven't heard if the risk was a deal breaker. He told me to let someone down easy, yet he drastically slowed the number and speed of his response. Yet the last response before the risk still seemed to show interest. I have no idea how people ever find anyone. I really don't know how people read clues about things. Life could simply have become complicated. But most likely I was too something. Too crazy, too clingy, too desperate, too serious, too clueless, too fucked up.

I think I'm broken beyond repair. It's time to go back to who I was and forget the glimpse I had. I'm not who I've been trying out the last two or three weeks. I'm not sure if anything I really am except alone.

 

[ultramarineblue]

So not sure about the risk because I got another message. Not really sure what is going on but I truly get what it means for life to become insane beyond your control for some periods of time since I recently experienced that.

One other risk I took though had been a screwup of epic proportions. I don't make quiet unnoticeable mistakes. I do it in grand fashion. Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster but I didn't completely lose it for a change. Well, I came close but I pulled it together. Why am I so damn trusting? And why in the hell am I so curious. Yes, I've heard curiosity killed the cat but that sure as he'll didn't seen to have an effect on me.

 

[JoanneA]

You'll be thankful for the people that are out of your life one day. Just remember to enjoy the ones who are still there. And if you like writing, I like reading!

 

[cfuhrer]

The worst part about it is that the other person won't admit their part in damaging the relationship. I don't have time for people that think they are perfect or expect me to never make a mistake. At least I apologize when I do. The crappy thing is one of those relationships happens to be in family which is making an already extremely difficult situation even worse.

Know that you are so NOT alone in that dynamic!
Lots of us face the same issue and the same lack of resolution/solution/answers.

Welcome back, UMB!

 

[ultramarineblue]

You'll be thankful for the people that are out of your life one day. Just remember to enjoy the ones who are still there. And if you like writing, I like reading!

Very good point. Thank you!

Know that you are so NOT alone in that dynamic!
Lots of us face the same issue and the same lack of resolution/solution/answers.

Welcome back, UMB!

It's good to know I'm not alone. Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So unsure about the mistake. This person knows who I am but I do not have any idea who he is. This is such a mind fuck. Aspects of me like it but there are aspects that wish that at the end of it all he's reveal who he is and that I'd be ok with that. I don't know if that will ever happen. I really doubt it. How do I do this to myself?!

 

[ultramarineblue]

So I'm still conversing with Mr. Anonymous. I'm too curious for my own good. I know it's bad for me but I don't want to stop because he's interesting. Definitely only friend material though.

I met another guy and oh but his smile is intensely hot. He's also really nice. I'm not sure what will happen but I'm enjoying making new friends. Did I mention how intensely cute his smile is?! Oh and the cuddles are perfect. There was no time for anything else but wow.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm fragile today. I haven't heard from the new guy since Saturday. I knew he'd be busy yesterday but I figured I'd hear from him today. Mr. Anonymous seems to have disappeared. I don't know what scared him. Then to complicate things Mr. It's not you it's me wants to see me again. He just wants sex though. Is that all I am?

I don't see how anyone ever finds someone compatible. Mr. Anon said I was an easy target. He's right. I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I want to hide away except I crave touch and chatting with someone. I crave it to the point it aches.

I played with the first person I ever played with this weekend. Parts were wonderful but some things I just didn't feel into any more.

I'm wondering what I'm doing. At times I think I need to forget it all and dive back into the things that I used to fill the void.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm in complete shock right now. Tears will come later. One of my family members is dead from a house fire.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It still doesn't seem real. I don't understand why. Yesterday was really hard dealing with it. Today has been better but I've been working on other things. I've had one play session since it happened and I was brought to tears for the first time during play. I think I cried 3 times during that session. I was so much calmer after that. I still just don't understand.

 

[aFairy]

It still doesn't seem real. I don't understand why. Yesterday was really hard dealing with it. Today has been better but I've been working on other things. I've had one play session since it happened and I was brought to tears for the first time during play. I think I cried 3 times during that session. I was so much calmer after that. I still just don't understand.

It's good to cry sometimes, get that piled up mountain of tension out of your system,
feel lighter, make space for other things to occupy your mind.
Answers don't always come easy., but sometimes if you just 'zoom-out' look at the bigger picture, it'll get clearer.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It's good to cry sometimes, get that piled up mountain of tension out of your system,
feel lighter, make space for other things to occupy your mind.
Answers don't always come easy., but sometimes if you just 'zoom-out' look at the bigger picture, it'll get clearer.

Thank you. I don't know if I can zoom out yet. It still doesn't feel real that she's dead.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Life seems surreal now. It's strange the sequence of events. I'm not sure what to do to help. Then I'm also talking with people, meeting people, and still seeing three people. I was supposed to have a session tonight. I really wish I could have had the session he planned a week and a half ago. The idea of the new session is erotic bit scary. I wonder if I would do this if everything hasn't happened. Possibly. I don't know that I would question it as much. It would be nice to find just one person though.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm finding myself more and more willing to try things that are dangerous with him even though I know this is a temporary arrangement. I wish it wasn't temporary because he's the only one lately that has been completely up front and honest. I wish there were more opportunities though. I want more interaction than he can give though. Each new thing I learn about him makes him more attractive. It's a slippery slope but I'm being even more careful this time and so far it has helped. Truth be told, I think he's deliberately helped with that as well.

Am I just deluding myself?

 

[ultramarineblue]

Life has been one of huge contrasts the last several months. Major long-term accident followed by one of the biggest recognitions within my career. Then an unreal tragedy followed recently by another set back in the healing from the accident. Now I seem to be having some health issues. I don't have time for them.

In the middle of all of this I've been experiencing a sexual awakening or perhaps I'm using sex and new experiences in kink to avoid all of the crap. I don't think it's just that though. I started feeling my way back into kink before the first thing happened.

Right now, I just want to be held though. Just some cuddles. That is all.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm not very good at reading other people when it comes to interest in me. You pretty much have to tell me what you're thinking because I don't like guessing nor will I actually even think about it. Assumptions are usually wrong. I also don't really have time to try to figure it out. In spite of that, guessing games can be fun as long as it's a game with both people and isn't crazy prolonged. It's a strange mix of contradictions.

I also wonder if perhaps I like having multiple play partners instead of a single monogamous relationship. It's not what I expected. I don't know what I actually expected. The best thing is that I've learned so much about just people in general. It's pretty crazy some of the things that I didn't know that I've learned considering experience I do have. I still don't know that I'm any closer to knowing the best labels for myself. The only thing knowing some of that better is that it would help negotiations with a new partner. I might have to ask a few what they consider my ability to take pain, etc. It isn't that I would take on those impressions as who I am. It's just interesting to see how someone else views you. I've also learned to reject the impressions others have that I know aren't true. I guess it just goes to show that everything really is relative.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm sad tonight. I need but I'm alone. Possibilities have slipped through my fingers. I'm not sure what the future holds. I feel so clueless. I feel as though I'm the last resort for the play partners I have right now, that if everyone else is busy, they might have a little time for me. I feel as though I've messed up those situations by being clingy or something. I have no idea if I'm even right about what I feel or am just in a mood today.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I think I feel most comfortable talking to men I know I can't have. It may have something to do with lack of a type of rejection. Then at times I'll find myself wishing I could have them but that fades and I remember that real friendship is valuable. I'll give everything I am to people I really consider my friends. I lost a very good one a couple of years ago and wish I could change that. I thought I was really accepted but I made a huge mistake when I felt threatened and lost my friend in the process. I'm still not entirely sure what exactly went wrong except that it was my fault. Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent. I should be working on things instead of wasting time right now.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Most people aren't really willing to share themselves with you. I probably share too much. I wonder what others see in me. I'm not saying that in an I'm not worthy way. It's more of a curiosity of what others think I am. Of course, they can be completely incorrect. I know that I'm caring and giving. I've always done things for other people. I'd rather do something for someone else than for myself. At the same time, I will do things for myself. I know that I have to rest and take care of myself physically or I'm not able to do much.

Fuck, I miss her.

I'm so tired of being busy that all I do is jump from one deadline to the next. I've always been that way though. I don't know why though. At times I think it's to prove myself worthy. Other times it's just who I am. I have even more responsibilities being added. They are good for me professionally.

I've had a horrible headache today and couldn't do some things I really needed to accomplish. One especially I've been avoiding. It hurts because I would ask her questions about it at times. Where will I stay when I have to go there. I have other friends that live there but I don't feel comfortable asking them. I've never attended the night events and now I will be able to go to them. I'd rather see her though.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I had a great session today. I felt as though it would be close to the end. It may still be close to the end of this experience. One thing at the end though I'm not sure about. He positioned me then seemed to leave. I stayed in position. I knew to wait until he was completely gone. He came back in and said I had passed the test. He gave his usual instructions before he left and left. I cleaned up and emailed him a thank you for the session. He responded he would respond more completely in a day or so. Not sure what it means. I'm not even going to think about figuring it out.

I'm sleepy now. I have a lot to accomplish in the next couple of days and coming weeks. One day at a time; one moment at a time.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I was going to have a session with the man that started talking with me last summer. He messaged me that he was sick and was at the doctor. A part of me wondered if he was really sick or if he had decided he didn't really want to play. I would hope that if he is not interested in play that he would just say that. Most likely, he probably was sick. I think he keeps himself pretty busy and likely was worn down.

I also had an opportunity for a brief session yesterday that didn't work out. So I'm a bit frustrated. I did have some other obligations to keep myself busy though.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Knife play is interesting. I didn't expect it to tickle at times. I was more curious about it than aroused by it although there were some erotic aspects. It felt more like light scratches and some light scraping than anything. Somehow my written thoughts about it caused concern. I know that this particular thing is temporary. I don't understand why he keeps becoming concerned about me growing attached. It isn't going to happen. Anyway, he's interested in including my friend that is my safe call. I don't think she will go for it though.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm alone right now. It's difficult to find people. I suppose I still have some play partners but I can't see any of them right now. One just says soon. Another hasn't been in the area. One hasn't been available. The last one cancelled this weekend. I just want to please.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I have one relationship where everything is pretty great except for the fact it can't least because he won't work in this area much longer. Why can't I find someone like him where it could last?

 

[MistressMoira]

Welcome back ~ your little thread is an interesting read in introspection and a search for self discovery and how to meet your needs.

I know the board has turned over a lot since you were here last and most of us will not be familiar to you... but there are, as there always have been, I think, good folks here still. Just different ones.

cb

Love this thought.