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random musings

The drama started up again. I just wish things had been done differently but they weren't and they can't be changed. I don't know that the past can be left in the past.
 
I wonder where things will go with this new friendship. It's quite different from any I've ever experienced. I don't know that it is something that would be long-lasting. It has hierarchy. I don't receive all that I want or possibly even need in it and I'm not sure that I can. I'm content in that I am fulfilling a purpose though and I see that it is possible. There are some fucked up aspects but I think most everything has aspects that are fucked up. However there are some absolutely amazing aspects. I think sometimes it's all you can do to do the best with what you have.
 
Hey UMB;
If you happen to see this... I've a question for you that I hope you can help me answer. I miss you posting. I hope you come back. You were a voice I understood.
 
Angedesoleil said:
Hey UMB;
If you happen to see this... I've a question for you that I hope you can help me answer. I miss you posting. I hope you come back. You were a voice I understood.
Click to expand...

Hey! It's so good to know that my posts are helpful to some. I've sometimes felt that I didn't have much to offer here because I'm not as eloquent as so many. I don't know as many of the newer regulars. What is your question?
 
The new friendship is good. I am torn in that I want to move there but I have a good life I've built for myself where I live. I enjoy my life where I live. I like seeing more than one person. I have wondered if I moved there if I would feel smothered or that too much of me was needed. I give everything I have but I don't want to feel that I don't give enough. I've also had new experiences with the friend that introduced us. There are times I wish I was his but I don't know if that would work either. The best thing about him is he tells me exactly what to do and how to do it. He doesn't micromanage me in life at all but in a session he is very specific about what I am to do and that is very good for me. It makes me feel secure in way that no other experience has. I am very lucky to have found the friends I've found. I want to see how far I can go; what all I can try; what all I can take for someone. I want to be a good girl.
 
I question whether or not my exploration of bdsm is actually a good thing for me. I have tried things I never thought I would try. I think it could easily become addictive for me but it has been pretty balanced. I rarely get enough but life has other things that I have to do so I can't immerse myself as much as I would like which is probably good. I do think trying more things is good. I like seeing how far I can go. I'm very grateful for the friendships I've gained through all of this. I'm worried about one friend right now. It isn't the first time he's disappeared for a bit. I just hope everything is ok with him because usually things aren't when he's gone for a while.
 
I'm hoping to move forward soon. I just need to find the right one first.
 
I sometimes wonder what others think about my thoughts and experiences I've written about here. I miss having time to read the threads on here. I have learned so much here. I miss feeling a part of this community but I don't have as much time to spend online anymore. I hope that will change so that I can enjoy more conversation here again.
 
I'm drunk and need to be owned. I'll be ok though. I'm always ok. I'm good at taking care of myself. I just wish I didn't have to.
 
This is the first weekend I haven't had to do anything in a good while. There was a small chance of play but unfortunately that didn't work out. I did get to see my lawyer friend briefly and wish I could have spent more time with him. He's such a puzzle to me at times. I've missed seeing my trucker friend and hope to get to see him sometime soon.
 
I'm good for hugs. I'm alone and pretty much forgotten on my birthday. **offers hugs**
Faith formerly Angedesoleil * points ^ up there^
 
Happy Birthday!

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It was a short intense session. There were even tears which were completely unexpected and real but good. He makes me make decisions which I absolutely hate because I only want to do what pleases him. The irony is that me choosing is what pleases him but I can't usually make that connection. He always messes with my mind. I'm never sure where I stand and it's ok. I don't need him to give me that. I think I changed what he originally intended. I'm not really sure but he badly needed a massage. Then the face slaps began. I would have never thought I liked that but it calms and centers me in a way about like rope. Plus I just like how they feel. But then I had to choose. I couldn't help but cry because my choice is always what would please him the most. I have such a hard time getting that me choosing is what he really wants. Now I wonder if me choosing and him doing the opposite is something he would like. My choice resulted in a puddle on the concrete and me holding on to him as tight as I could. I want more already but busy schedules will prevent that. The thing that messed with my head the most was him saying as we were walking back around that he doesn't kiss and then 3 of the most intense kisses. I have no idea what it means if anything. I'm not going to wonder about what it means and I'm ok not knowing. I'm just really happy that I pleased him greatly. That I do know for certain.
 
I play with a couple that I quickly came to consider good friends. I think that it maybe should end. I think I complicate their already incredibly complicated lives too much. She wants me to move there but if I did things would be different and she would be disappointed. I couldn't maintain the level of help I give when I visit. I'd have work and I'd find other friends I'd hope. She needs more than I'm able yoo give. I need more than they could give too. I'm not sure how to handle it. I have grown to care for them and I don't want to hurt them. I think it would only be her that I hurt and I don't want to do that. I wish I could have seen how far he could have taken me with pain though. I went further with pain than ever before and I think I could go even further.
 
Frustrated because one friend got mad because I haven't been available the last two times he wanted to play. Maybe if I had been given more notice it could have worked out. Now he needs space. I really don't understand it. He had no idea what had been going on in my life and I don't know what is going on in his life. Only thing I know is I've been pushed away. I think it may be time to stop playing completely. I love giving to others but I just feel used in a bad way when the rare time I actually need something it doesn't matter.
 
There are times that I feel like I'm very good at what I do but then I see evidence is extremely important things I miss. I'm taken advantage of because I'm too nice. I don't know where the line should be where I'm merciful when needed. I can't really keep up but I'll get it figured out I guess.
 
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