random musings

[ultramarineblue]

Love this thought.

Definitely!

..........................

I'm terrified of being outed in my vanilla life. I feel certain I would lose my job and reputation. I've always been viewed as a bit eccentric but being an artist that goes with the territory. I never can tell what details that I give that are too identifying. So finding people that I can share my interest in kink is difficult. People are entirely too judgmental. Many seem to think that things they don't like or are different from them are wrong. I don't really understand that type of thinking. If it isn't hurting anyone, then who cares.

So the point of all of that is that I've had some difficult things happen the last 10 months or so. I have no idea if I talk about them if someone would figure out who I am. It's unlikely because there are so many situations and so many locations but it's always possible I guess.

I don't know if my submissive nature comes from not feeling as though I was good enough. I do enjoy doing things to help others even when I don't receive anything in return. I hear about how much my brother helps my dad. It makes my mom mad because he pretty much complains about what I don't do when I do things to help. I've asserted to help with other things but those were turned down. I don't think it really bothers me. Most of the time I just do my thing because I can't change how other people think or feel. I only have control over that in myself. I guess it still stings a bit at times like tonight when he told my brother that mom and I were talking too much.

I wonder if the truth of it was actually something more painful. We don't talk about those things though. I can't imagine how hard it has been to deal with healing from a traumatic accidental injury. He's dealt with it better than I would have ever imagined. It could also have been about the death of my sister. It was a very tragic and unexpected accidental death.

I don't want to think about things too much. I typically overthink or misinterpret things. I asked my long term friend to come visit this weekend but he couldn't. I was very hurt because I felt that my need trumped the things he needed to do. I wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't felt that I needed him though. He disappoints me and I probably should let go of those feelings. I wonder if I should redefine the relationship though.

The other one that was doomed to end because he wouldn't always be in the area has been much more satisfying in a lot of ways. Communication has been easy and simple. It resulted in new experiences. I was heard. I don't feel like I'm heard in the long term friendship anymore. I need conversation that makes me think and learn and we no longer have those types of conversations.

Lots of rambling here but I needed to get some thoughts out. I'm very thankful I have this outlet.

 

[ultramarineblue]

My awkward just keeps on giving.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I have a lot of trouble putting what I think and feel into words. It gets all jumbled up and I read things that give me another perspective and even changes my viewpoint. I also try not to think too much because I will seriously overthink things. I've tried to become more a person of action-not just blind action but deliberate action. I'll consider the consequences and effects on myself and others.

One person I play with delivers impact that is wickedly vicious. It is just at the level where it is almost but not quite too much. I find myself close to saying yellow but I relax into it and the play often moves to another activity.

It isn't a matter of me not wanting to safe word. I'm not someone who is afraid to safe word or feels that it is a failure on my part. I know some submissives do struggle with that. I'm not judging that at all because we all struggle with different things. It is my responsibility to speak up and say if something isn't going right. Truthfully, I even had trouble with that a few months ago because I didn't recognize what was going on. The PYL paused and we all discussed what was happening. We even had another discussion about it a week or so ago because I figured out what really was the issue later. I believe in giving feedback. Feedback often leads to better sessions later.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm a bit drunk and horny. Shame that I have to go to bed because I have an important day at work tomorrow.

 

[ultramarineblue]

From what I know about him, I would give anything to be able to be with him the rest of my life. However, it is nearing the end of this whatever it is. I'll be ok because I've known the end would come from the beginning. I'm so thankful to have found him and been able to learn more about myself. Why the fuck can't I find someone so perfect for long term?

 

[ultramarineblue]

People are uncomfortable with sadness. I want to fix it and have been working just to let people around me just feel. I know I can't fix it and trying to usually just makes the person feel worse. I wish I was more eloquent. I have all of these thoughts that I can't quite put into words.

I want to matter.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Today has been pretty awful. I'm glad I was able to come home and not do much. On the other hand, I'll probably regret not doing all of the stuff I needed to do to catch up. I'm awful at making decisions. My work computer is pretty much fucked. I have to figure out what I need. I haven't had time to really do that though. I have taken on entirely too many responsibilities in work and in my personal life.

I don't know what I say that is revealing or not revealing. I don't know if it's a detail or my manner of writing or messages or what. I want to be more in control of who I let in but I suck at caution. I'm pretty much all or nothing.

I don't even know why I write anything here. I don't think it matters to anyone. It's pretty much the only place I can write down some things.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I need to manage money and time better. I want to get better rope and learn more ties. I'm curious what toys others want to save up for.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I want to fit in but I don't know how.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I miss him greatly. I wonder if the came without me or him knowing it. I need a session so badly. I thought I would get one earlier this week but it didn't happen. I guess I should let him go. Then I started talking with sometime. It was slow at first but then last weekend we really seemed to hit it off. I think he has lost interest though.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I don't think I really deserve anything. I'm not good enough for anything. I try to do so much so that I can hide the fact that I'm not good enough. I am over involved with too much responsibilities. Even if I were to not be so involved, I would lose interest and still not do well. I wish I could make myself stop reaching out for someone. I don't deserve anyone. I'm not what anyone wants. I guess I just have to keep confirming that over and over and over. Why can't I just be content to be alone? I don't even know why I bother writing. No one cares. It helps no one.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thankfully I'm past wallowing in self pity. I had pretty much decided to have a talk with my long term friend. Of course, I had a couple of pretty bad days prior, cue self pity here, and timing was off. I pretty much threw a tantrum which is embarrassing because hello, adult. The worst part was that I thought I had become so much better at controlling it. I've worked hard to not do that. Looking back, I needed to pretty much just go home and sleep but people needed things and I was supposed to take care of those needs.

I'm also having stomach problems which doesn't help. I've got to eat better but it's frustrating that cooking a healthy meal still sent me running. I'd take a nap but I have to wash all of the sheets in my house thanks to my sweet dog that licks non-stop. I should get things done for work but I just want to rest because I know the next three weeks are going to be intense with things I'm committed to doing.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It's so much easier to disappear without an explanation or to appear a bit interested but not be. Someone actually came back and told me he stopped talking because he didn't want to tell me that he didn't want to meet. I'm not sure if the reason he decided he didn't want to meet has more to do with me or him but it would have been so much less disappointing if he had just told me. Earlier today anther guy finally said that he was sorry but I wasn't the body type he was looking for. It doesn't feel good to be told that but I get that were all attracted to different people. He wasn't really the type I'm usually attracted to either. It's interesting that some of those guys remain friends and actually become really good friends. The majority disappear. I don't really get all of this. I have yet to find someone that wanted more than just sex a couple of times. I'm really glad that I have made a couple of really good friends though.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I want to be invisible. At least here, I am.

 

[Dreamliner]

 

[Dreamliner]

 

[ultramarineblue]

I miss him.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I wish I could see him one more time. My heart hurts for him. I'm worried about another friend too. I hope things are ok but I'm afraid they aren't.

I had a session with the first friend. I started talking to him almost 2 years ago. He really confuses me because at times he seems to be very much a friend but then other times, completely unreachable. I can't put the two together. This last session really messed with my mind. It was the sweetest session we've had. I don't really need aftercare but I love cuddling. He did aftercare this time. It made me feel like a little girl. It was the sweetest aftercare. Sweet gently kisses, tight hugs, gentle words. I really liked that side of him. There is something about him that makes me keep going back. I just wish he wanted to see me more often.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I wish I had never existed. Underneath everything, I did not like me. I am ugly and worthless. It's ok though. I will continue to exist and continue to pretend and continue to help others.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

{{UMB}}

 

[ultramarineblue]

{{UMB}}

Thank you.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I heard from a friend yesterday that disappeared for a while. I think I know why he disappeared and I understand that. I just didn't know when to try to message again. I definitely don't want to send a message that isn't wanted. I'm glad he reached out. We cuddle well. I'm glad he's doing better.

I'm so glad I woke up early today. It's a pleasant start to a busy day.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It's pretty cool to be recognized as excellent among colleagues in my profession throughout my state.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I feel very much like a little girl that needs protecting. I haven't been feeling that way a whole lot lately. I don't really care for the feeling of needing to be protected because I feel like that's my responsibility. I pay my way, take care of myself, and don't really need anyone. I may not always do great at those things but I can do them. I can be pretty bad ass at the stuff I do too. I still feel out of place a lot though. It's hard to know where I fit in. I kind of just do my thing though and everything is fine.

Someone's comments on another thread got me thinking what my deepest, darkest desires are. What do I want? What can I handle? Then there is the concept of aftercare. For the most part, I haven't really needed anything other than conversation about how things went. Will I ever encounter or experience something that makes me need more aftercare? I like being petted and cuddled a lot but I don't have to have it. I have one partner that doesn't always like cuddles after. I definitely don't want them if he isn't into giving them.

I can't quite work out this jumble of thoughts tonight. I feel like I will figure out what I need and then something changes.

 

[cookiecat]

It's pretty cool to be recognized as excellent among colleagues in my profession throughout my state.

This is great!!! Good for you!!