random ramblings

[the captians wench]

Good luck for tomorrow, Wenchie! Bet you love it!

I know I'm going to love school, and in fact from the discription given yesterday I'm confident I'll love this class, and the instructor seems very cool.

But I am feeling very over whelmed.

I'm having an internal conflict over what I want to do, what I need to do to live, what would make me happiest and financial freedom.

I think this class is just going to force me to look deeper into that conflict.

ETA: I did have a really good day, and on top of that Jounar, Mr. and Mrs. all sent me text messages cheering me on. So even during my melt down, I am feeling very loved and supported.

 

[the captians wench]

I know I've talked about this before, but I've been thinking about it again lately.

My parents told me as a child I could do anything I wanted to. My high school advisers and teachers pretty much said the same thing as I flew past all of the tests that were supposed to tell me which career path would be best for me. I remember not too long ago being angry because I felt like I was almost lied to in being told these things, until I realized that I could do anything I wanted, I just had to want to do it, and set my mind to accomplishing it.

So now I'm in a spot, I know every one is probably sick of this debate but it still rages on in my head. I don't want to work in a restaraunt anymore. I really just don't want to do it, plain and simple. But, I want the money. I really want to just say "fuck this" and take the phone call position and apply myself to school more. But then I'd be worrying about paying the bills every week, and I don't want that.

Maybe it's time for a "pro's" and "con's" list, or lists.

 

[Cattypuss]

I made a massive life decision recently. Left a very successful and lucrative professional career after 19 years. At the age of 44 (45 next month), I am starting again on a completely different path this autumn

I ummed and ahhed about the decision for a good 6 months before I made it. I went through torments. My man kept saying to me - "One day you'll know - you'll just know - whether you want to stay or take the leap". I never believed him. I kept telling him that I had to do pro and con lists and THINK THIS THING THROUGH in order to make the decision. But all I did was torture myself by making pro and con lists and STILL not getting past my paralysing indecision. For six months.

Then one day I knew. I just knew, in my gut.

Admittedly I had a wobble recently, about 7 weeks after making the decision but, honestly, it was a 60-second wobble at most.

YMMV.

Good luck anyway Wenchie - it's not an easy time for you.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I know I've talked about this before, but I've been thinking about it again lately.

My parents told me as a child I could do anything I wanted to. My high school advisers and teachers pretty much said the same thing as I flew past all of the tests that were supposed to tell me which career path would be best for me. I remember not too long ago being angry because I felt like I was almost lied to in being told these things, until I realized that I could do anything I wanted, I just had to want to do it, and set my mind to accomplishing it.

So now I'm in a spot, I know every one is probably sick of this debate but it still rages on in my head. I don't want to work in a restaraunt anymore. I really just don't want to do it, plain and simple. But, I want the money. I really want to just say "fuck this" and take the phone call position and apply myself to school more. But then I'd be worrying about paying the bills every week, and I don't want that.

Maybe it's time for a "pro's" and "con's" list, or lists.

Keep talking about it, it's a good way of thinking it out.

Not sure if you were asking for advice but I'll give you my 2 cents anyway The bottom line is you have to pay the bills. Really sit down and itemize your finances. Separate the real necessities from the fluff. Then make sure you have 6 months of emergency money in case you would lose the new job. I know some people say you just need 3 months reserve funds but in this economy I would say 6-12 months, but I do tend to be overcautious.

If you can afford it without going into debt then say good bye to the restaurant business and move on.

Good luck, sweetie.

 

[Cattypuss]

Wenchie, sorry - I assumed you'd already done your maths and were looking to make a "what do I WANT?" decision.

 

[the captians wench]

Keep talking about it, it's a good way of thinking it out.

Not sure if you were asking for advice but I'll give you my 2 cents anyway The bottom line is you have to pay the bills. Really sit down and itemize your finances. Separate the real necessities from the fluff. Then make sure you have 6 months of emergency money in case you would lose the new job. I know some people say you just need 3 months reserve funds but in this economy I would say 6-12 months, but I do tend to be overcautious.

If you can afford it without going into debt then say good bye to the restaurant business and move on.

Good luck, sweetie.

Thanks ES.

Wenchie, sorry - I assumed you'd already done your maths and were looking to make a "what do I WANT?" decision.

I have done as much of the math as I can. Part of the problem is that it's not guaranteed hours, so I can only figure so much.

The truth of the matter is that I can live on nearly half of what I make now, but I wouldn't have the free money I do now. Right now if there's a sale I want to hit, I can hit it and not think twice about it. If I want to spend a week in Ireland, I only have to plan for a month or so. All of that would disappear. It's having or not having that comfort that I struggle with.

 

[Cattypuss]

The truth of the matter is that I can live on nearly half of what I make now, but I wouldn't have the free money I do now. Right now if there's a sale I want to hit, I can hit it and not think twice about it. If I want to spend a week in Ireland, I only have to plan for a month or so. All of that would disappear. It's having or not having that comfort that I struggle with.

So in a way you are struggling to decide what type of freedom is most important to you?

If you make one decision you keep some freedoms but don't gain others, and if you make the other decision you gain some freedoms and lose others?

 

[the captians wench]

So in a way you are struggling to decide what type of freedom is most important to you?

If you make one decision you keep some freedoms but don't gain others, and if you make the other decision you gain some freedoms and lose others?

Exactly.

 

[the captians wench]

I think I've made my decision. There's just one base I need to cover before I go through with it.

 

[Cattypuss]

Update, please!

 

[the captians wench]

Update, please!

I still haven't dotted all of my I's and crossed all of my t's yet, as soon as I do I'll let you know.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I can't wait to know too! Good luck, Wenchie!!!!!

 

[the captians wench]

I can't wait to know too! Good luck, Wenchie!!!!!

Thanks.

I've been avoiding tying up that loose end, but we'll see what happens.



Meanwhile I've earned my first punishment in years. The power went out in the entire city where I work...all except for us and a bank, so of course we were uber busy. Well, come time for me to take my meds, I decided to try and clear things out first, an hour went by, then two and three, and by the time I did pull off it was time for my next dose. So I've been more itchy and the hives have been worse ever since. (I honestly didn't realize one pill would do so much) Well when I related the story to Jounar he had a fit and a half! Said I needed to send him an email telling him why exactly I am being punished. And part of the punishment involves some time, so there's plenty of time to think things out.

And he's right, I do put too much into everything except me and a have to start taking better care of myself. Especially right now when I'm stretching myself so thinly. Normally I'm not in favor of punishment, and he's really coming down hard on me this time, but this really was a good thing and something I think I needed to happen.

 

[the captians wench]

I thought I had decided. I was sure I had decided. Now I'm not and I can't tell if it's just hormones or lack of sleep or if I'm getting sick or what.

I miss the days when mommy could make it better.

 

[the captians wench]

Summer classes are over now and I get a 3 week break before Fall term.

So here's an update.


The addition of the second course, which was 2 hours a day M-F just about did me in. On top of that I had to complete 10 hours of "field experience" which I did not know was part of the course! So I was working 45-47 hours a week, in school for 15 hours a week, driving 14 hours a week, and working in those 10 hours. On top of that my costumes decided to pick up so I was also sewing 8-10 hours a week. Then my brother and his lot showed up for 2 weeks.

Just when I thought I was going to pull my hair out from lack of sleep, I re-hurt my back, pulling the same muscle as last summer, and I'm taken off of work and missed 2 days of classes.

So got time with my brother and his family, finished up classes (I know I got an A in one and I think I have an A in the second), and finished my field experience (which I have to type up and email to my instructor). Whooo!

*breath*

So now the focus is on healing, as well as I'm still looking for another job and at this point as long as I can get 36 hours a week, I'm willing to take min wage just to get the fuck out of there!

In the midst of all of this I get a seemingly random text from the guy I went out with like twice, chatted with for a good 6 weeks, then he stops returning any of my messages or phone calls, and he changed all of his statuses on social media to "in a relationship" Anyway, he sends me a text talking about how he is the worst person in the world, and he just took the coward's way out because he met up with an old flame and wanted to see if anything sparked....two days and over 400 text messages of bs.....do you wanna grab coffee and catch up some time soon?....sure, why not? then a week of not one message.

When I confront him and say, look are you interested or not? he accuses me of always moving too fast. really? Because I'm honest and will say "hey, I'm not really looking for anything serious, I just want some one I can have a beer with on Friday night and have fun with until Saturday morning." and mean it means I move too fast? So I explained to him, I don't have a lot of free time right now, so if you're (he's) not interested, I'd rather just know now so I don't invest a lot of an asset that I can't afford to waste. I seriously have no issues trading time for sex instead of time for sleep, but I don't have time to play games. We went out a couple of times already, we know we have chemistry, so why go through the motions? Well he responded to a joke I made in there some where, but not my real question.

I talked about this with Jounar. 1 Jounar thinks I'm too good for this guy and shouldn't even bother with him. 2. He also agrees that this guy seems to just want to keep an easy lay in his back pocket in case he needs it (me). 3. Says "fuck him so" *giggles* followed by "his loss" And the strangest part about that whole exchange is that it didn't feel weird to talk to Jounar about this, he didn't seem to feel threatened by it at all (and rightly so!) and I didn't feel ashamed to talk to him about it. I've given up trying to figure out my relationships and take more of a "just go with it" aproach.


So that's the Wenchie update. Still having hives, loving school, hating McD's, hoping a wealthy benefactor comes across my oral fixation and decides to put me on an allowance so that I don't have to work if I don't want to. Yup, that about sums it up.

 

[the captians wench]

got a meeting with the medical case worker handling my case on Monday.

I guess you can never do this the right way.

At least I have all of my notes from last time. I can show her my issue. I'm pretty sure she's from the lawyers. I wish there was some one from HR going to be there. My whole issue is that HR and WBC have different expectations.

At least I have it all in writing, so I can show her the trouble I had last time and why I asked the doc to just take me off instead of writing heavy restrictions.

 

[the captians wench]

So Monday I meet with this "medical case worker" person who I thought was from the lawyers handling my claim. That is until I received a letter from a third company saying that my employer has decided to appoint this case worker to me. I have a bad feeling about this now. According to the letter, they want me to sign a paper so that this person can get my medical records. She would also go to Dr visits with me, or report to me based on the Dr's notes, and decide if the doctor has my best interests in mind or not. The catch there is that if doc says I'm not ready to go back to work, but this person says that I am, and I do what the doc says and not what the case worker says, then I loose all of my benefits.

I showed my mom this letter asking her opinion, and to make sure I was reading it correctly. She said "don't sign anything,." to which I responded, "I'm not signing shit unless it's a check!"

I'm trying not to worry about it until I actually talk to this lady on Monday. I've tried to talk to the lawyers and they won't return my calls. Mom thinks that's because they want to deal with this third party and not me. At least my school money will be here in a couple of days. And I got my bonus check, so all my bills are/will be paid and in the mean time I won't starve. And Monday I'll know if I need to contact a lawyer of my own or not.

 

[FurryFury]

So sorry you are going through all this.

*hugs*

 

[the captians wench]

So sorry you are going through all this.

*hugs*

Thanks Furry.

It's a process, like any other and I'll get through it. Eventually.

 

[the captians wench]

I have never known anyone who could love so fully, unconditionally, and selflessly as my great granny. Never have I met some one as impish as I am, and look even more innocent than I do.

I couldn't tell this story while the family all told thier favorite memories because most of them wouldn't understand it, but I want to share it again, even though I have here many times.

My favorite memory of my great granny happened at one of our family gatherings. I believe it may have been one of the trips my brother made either before or after a deployment. In those days I wore a thick leather dog collar (that I bought at PetSmart) with a purple dog tag (that read "If found please return to Ireland") and wore it every where taking it off only to bathe. The family was scattered, but a good sized group of us were sitting in the living room and I sat beside granny. She smiled her usual "I'm so happy to see you even though I know I've been with you for the past hour, but I'm so happy to see you again this moment" smile at me, looked away for a moment, then turned back to me and looked closer. She furrowed her brow and looked a bit closer. With a heavy sigh she turned and looked at my grandpa (her son) and said, "D---! Who has her locked up so tight?"

I know my face went sheet white before turning 10 shades of red. Had I really just been outed by my 90 year old granny? Yup. She sure did. And my mom sitting across from me nearly choked to death laughing so hard as my flustered grandpa responded, "I don't know who the fella is." with out even looking at either of us.

My granny then looked at me with the most impish grin and patted my knee.

My granny was the type of lady who at 90 was still flirting with every fella who crossed her path. And she loved like no other woman I have ever met. If you were family, you meant the world to her, and if you weren't, you meant just as much. Granny said she never met a stranger, and she made every one feel welcome in her house. The love this woman had was so strong that today as we celebrated her moving on, my grandpa, who hasn't uttered a clear word in months, told stories of his youth as clearly as I remember them when I was just a girl sitting at the foot of his chair. And family I haven't seen in the same room together in 10 years shook hands and hugged. As we remembered what love granny shared for each and every one of us, all of the fighting, the pettiness and hard feelings about the arrangements for the funeral and the reunion we had planned that ended up being the day after her death, all of the silliness, I could see was finally seen for what it was, and let go of. My granny could melt a heart quicker than an ice cube in Hell, and today I watched as she did it from the other side.

I am so much better for knowing her. I only hope that people feel that kind of love from me, like I felt from her. I love you, Granny.

 

[the captians wench]

So yesterday I took my mom out to do some shopping with me. On the way home the subject came up of my 30th birthday lurking. Turning 30 has me all sorts of freaked out. It has for a few years. I know it's completely irrational, but with as rational and self aware as I am, and always have been, I think I'm intitled to a few moments of pure irrational emotion a few times in my life.

We started talking about why I'm so freaked out about it, and I admitted that part of it is the fact that I don't have a baby, and really no prospects of having one. Not that I really want one at this point in my life; my life is so crazy right now that I'm afraid to even have a pet for fear of neglect. It's more just the fact that as one moves on to 30 and 40 it becomes harder, and because of my medical condition, it's already going to be hard to get pregnant, so all of those little warning bells are going off in my head.

This is when my mother said to me that she doesn't think I'm the type that would be happy with a husband and kid, that I am just one of those people who enjoy single life.

If that wasn't enough to make my head spin, she added on that she knows she wasn't a good mother and she doesn't think she was meant to have kids. I didn't know what to say. She wasn't the worst mother in the world, we always had food and a bed, and she didn't beat us or anything. But she was emotionally distant. Which is probably one of the reasons I'm so emotionally needy, and a large part of why I've always acted older than I really am.

It just kind of threw me that she'd say that, and she gave reasons behind it that I couldn't really argue with. And I'm not sure that she was looking for comfort. I think she just needed to admit this to herself, and to some one who wouldn't judge her for it.

I still don't agree with her evaluation of me. I really don't want to live alone for ever, but I am trying to enjoy it now. I've fought against it for so long. She was right about one thing, I have done some really incredible things. And I'm not finished doing them yet. I feel like I missed a step in my personal developement that I now have to go back and grow through. I'd enjoy my life a whole lot more if I wasn't so frightfully shy. I've taken some steps, but there are still a few that I need to tackle.

 

[the captians wench]

I think most of the issues are solved. Mom called and started screaming at WBC and when I called yesterday she said she was working on them, so the money should be here early next week. McD will give me a bit too, even before the WBC check arrives, so rent should be settled.

I started collecting boxes from work, and I'll start packing some stuff up to meet the cleanliness inspection. I want to move anyway, so might as well start packing now.

So the two big things are sorted really. but I'm just feeling so down. I've been pushing too hard at work, desperate to feel normal again. This is the stage when the last doctore and WBC said there really wasn't anything wrong with me and started denying claims. My back and my foot both are not happy this morning.

I miss my people. I just want to be snuggled up by them and told it will be okay. So much so that I keep going over everything and trying to convince myself that it wasn't as big a deal as I made it out to be. But I know it was, and I know what I said has needed to be said for a long time. I also know they are under a lot of stress and so we're all on edge, and emotions high.

I know I still have a support net, but with out their physical pressence, I just feel so alone. I've always needed a lot of physical touch, and now I feel issolated. And besides all of that, I just miss them.

I'm going to tell the manager I need to sit today. I'm just not going to be able to handle a lot of standing and walking. I really wish I could just call in sick, but then I'd just mope in bed all day and that's not productive at all.

So I keep doing what I always do, chugging alone.

 

[Red Sonja]

I am so glad to hear that things are looking up, financially and apartment wise. I am so sorry that you are hurting physically and emotionally. Hope your day at work was okay, and if virtual hugs count at all ((captain's wench)).

 

[the captians wench]

I am so glad to hear that things are looking up, financially and apartment wise. I am so sorry that you are hurting physically and emotionally. Hope your day at work was okay, and if virtual hugs count at all ((captain's wench)).

Thanks.

I'm a bit needy emotionally, I think that's why I blab my life story on the internetz.

 

[the captians wench]

Good news from the allergist today. From what I reported, it sounds like the new med is working, so I should start trying to back off of the Clairitin, slowly.

I've also managed to load the dishwasher twice this week with out needing a break. Unloading is still a bit rough, but not as bad.

I've been baking and cooking up a storm. Stress keeps me cleaning and cooking.

Most of my apartment is sorted, thought there is one room that needs some attention before the "inspection".

And I finished my research participation credits as of today.

Over all, things are looking up.