random ramblings

[the captians wench]

Throw your's at their's and break them both, yup that's what I would do.

Snugglez in wenchie and I'll take care of you. Do you want tea? Some soup? I make the bestest chicken soup. Feel better hun

That would be so good.

I need to eat something, but the idea of doing more than sleeping right now is almost too much. Always gets worse at night. Maybe because I'm not eating enough.

Have to find some soup or something so I can take my hot whiskey and honey before bed. That fire in my belly really helps me sleep.

 

[redslady]

That would be so good.

I need to eat something, but the idea of doing more than sleeping right now is almost too much. Always gets worse at night. Maybe because I'm not eating enough.

Have to find some soup or something so I can take my hot whiskey and honey before bed. That fire in my belly really helps me sleep.

Sleep is always best. Hugs hun

 

[the captians wench]

Well, Thursday night's excursion by myself to a hang out I used to frequent with friends was very eye opening to me.

I still wasn't as agressive about talking to people as I should be, there were a few missed opportunities, but I did talk to people, I didn't shy away when some one eyed me. I had a few new experiences, did some networking and self promotion, and most of all I had fun.

I think the last part was the most important lesson of the evening. I skipped going out a few times because I didn't think I could have fun by myself, that night proved that I can.

I don't know that it will be a regular thing, but I'm won't be afraid to go out again, which is a very good thing.

 

[Wizard]

If she only knew how cool.....

 

[the captians wench]

Seriously fighting the urge to binge eat. It hasn't been this hard to surpress that feeling in years.

Also fighting my cutter thoughts. Just craving those happy endorphines.

Five shifts and then vacation.

 

[the captians wench]

NRE is so fucking addictive, but seriously dropping communication and changing all of your status lines to "in a relationship" is just a douchey way to tell some one, "hey, I met some one else and pursuing a relationship"

Very disappointed, and hurt, but I'm not angry, and only feeling slightly rejected. Maybe I've just had time to process, since this has been going on since...Friday? I'm in a bit of a time warp working the overnight shift.

When I first considered I was being dropped, I thought I'd take a bigger hit on my confidence. Actually, the opposite seems to be true. Maybe I am becoming slightly vindictive, but this whole situation has me pushing to do the things I've been meaning to do for a few years. My college apps are in, going to go up and get the high school transcripts sent the beginning of next week. Set up an appointment for my blood work, and I've been working on costumes for myself. I've gone out, by myself, a few times now, sent oodles of FB friend requests (so I can link them to my costume page!), I'm passing out cards and doing self promotion, talking to strangers (and yes MWY, I'm looking into the ToastMasters meetings again and will find one that can fit into my schedule).

Over all I feel a confidence surge. I am fucking awesome, he was right about that. He was also right that any man who willingly gives me up is just plain stupid.

I really aught to send him a thank you note. If he hadn't dropped off of the edge of the earth, I think I'd still be in the "when there's time" stage of all of this, instead of this "fuck this I'm going for it" mentality. I guess you can gain something from assholes who can't grow a pair and just be upfront with you. Funny how then men in my life have all ended things that way.

No, seriously. My ex husband did something similar. Instead of just telling me he wanted out, he did manipulative, abusive things to me so I would leave. Anyone else just stopped talking to me. So do I just date spineless men, or am I that awesome that they can't believe they want something else? Do I just look good on paper, and not as much in reality?

 

[intothewoods]

So do I just date spineless men, or am I that awesome that they can't believe they want something else? Do I just look good on paper, and not as much in reality?

Eh, young men are silly and bad at relationships. Ok, young men and women. Ok, most people. But though it sucks, you will learn something with each experience until you find the right guy, or uh, several guys, depending on how things shake out. Good for you for applying to college, wenchie.

Dan Savage says, every relationship will end until one doesn't. Sounds obvious but I like it anyway.

Hang in there!

 

[the captians wench]

Eh, young men are silly and bad at relationships. Ok, young men and women. Ok, most people. But though it sucks, you will learn something with each experience until you find the right guy, or uh, several guys, depending on how things shake out. Good for you for applying to college, wenchie.

Dan Savage says, every relationship will end until one doesn't. Sounds obvious but I like it anyway.

Hang in there!

Meh, I was over it 10 minutes after that post. I'm moving on to focus on other things, namely college and my costumes.

I have plans for a whole line of clothing for myself, so I can strut around campus in my oh too classy/sexy/creative wardrobe and maybe spark up some conversation. Kill two birds with one stone. And if it catches an eye for other interests so be it.

I think it was a combination of other relationship(s) issues and the aproaching holidays that got me into "I need a man!" mode. One night out alone showed me that's just sillyness. I don't need a man to have a good time...the sex thing is getting to me though.

It's weird having my needs devided up amongst a few people. I guess secretly I wonder if one man would ever be able to fill all of them, and want to more importantly. I could deal with a handful of devoted men, but I don't deal well when they have other women.

Anyway, I wasn't looking for love anyway. I don't beleive in searching for love.

 

[the captians wench]

I think the hormones are on high alert today. Just feeling kind of mopey. I don't like it.

Holidays really suck when you can't be with the one you love. Even more so when hormones decide to amplify those already depressed feelings.

I just have to keep pushing on. Next year is going to be a lot of work, but it will be worth it in the end, and I can't let myself faulter the rest of this year. I have to keep pushing now.

Saturday is a craft fair. My first as an adult with her own lable. And I need to finish signing up for the one in December. That one will be a much larger audience, much larger potential for sales, and a lot more opportunites to get my name out there.

 

[the captians wench]

So I went out for my normal Thursday night club deal. Probably should have chosen a different outfit. I tamed down, and as a result, I didn't get nearly as many inquiries as I usually do.

The place was kind of slow anyway. Not like it usually is, I think the little bit of flurries this afternoon scared every one. Well they started something new tonight, if you're there before 10 you get in free. So I went early, got there a few minutes before 10.

Of course only the front bar was open, and because my pancreas is still not happy, I can't drink, so I ended up sitting there for an hour, playing on my phone and watching the strange music videos on the big screen.

A little after 11, some young guy comes up and asks, "okay, I know this is going to sound lame but, do I know you from somewhere?" Seriously?
I smiled and told him that he didn't look familure to me. He went on to say he doesn't get down to that area very much, am I from here? Um, no, I'm 30 minutes north. Well he's from the big college 1.5 hours north of where we were!

Well he was waiting on a friend who talked him into coming down, so we chatted, and when the friends showed up, I expected him to leave me and go off with them. No. He stuck by my side THE ENTIRE NIGHT! Which could have also lead to why I didn't recieve as many inquiries.

I went to dance, I look up, he's there. I walk off, turn around, he's there. He was a little leach! But he was a nice guy, and obviously very nervous (I'm guessing in the 22-24 age range). He had a nervous laughter, and kept rambling. How's he going to get better at this if some one doesn't give him a shot, I said to myself.

Wasn't terrible having someone's undivided attention for an evening, even if I wasn't interested. He made a comment about keeping an eye out for me next time. I hope he doesn't drive all that way just to look for me. I don't get there every week, and well...he really held me back. Still, the attention was nice.

 

[the captians wench]

I think I'm way too into symbols. I never was superstitious before, but in the past 3-4 years, I've become very much so. Looking for hidden meanings in everything. I've also noticed my confidence level has dropped some what. I've always been frightfully shy, but I haven't had this...fear of people since my step father died. So I started thinking about what's similar and what's changed and it all relates to confidence. So that's the next issue I'm working out. getting my confidence back. That lack of fear of judgement that I once had, that really defined a large part of my life.

It's really amazing to me that I said this less than 4 months ago. My has it been a long and eventful 4 months!

 

[redslady]

It's really amazing to me that I said this less than 4 months ago. My has it been a long and eventful 4 months!

Okay Wenchie love, I don't know what has cause this wonderful change in you, but if you could maybe bottle it and send some my way, I could really use it.

 

[the captians wench]

My little sister is so adorable. It's great to see her finally enjoying life. She's had such a rough one.

I can't help but feel slight pains of jealousy, though.

It's her freshman year of high school. She's already had a long distance relationship, and dated two boys in her school. She has a hand full of friends she hangs out with all of the time, she's cute as a button, got asked to home coming, is the star of the choir, just all around having those "golden years" every one told me high school was all about.

I can't help but wonder if my life would have been different had I not had such a large extended family. My step father was so protective of me, and his nephews upset that they could not claim me, that they kept every one else away. I was only asked to one dance, and I married that boy. I was asked on one other date. And I was so shy I didn't have a whole lot of friends.

I can't really blame my lack of social life on my parents, though they did not make it easy. I was an awkward teen at best. I also can't help envy my little sister. I just hope she's smart about it.

 

[intothewoods]

My little sister is so adorable. It's great to see her finally enjoying life. She's had such a rough one.

I can't help but feel slight pains of jealousy, though.

It's her freshman year of high school. She's already had a long distance relationship, and dated two boys in her school. She has a hand full of friends she hangs out with all of the time, she's cute as a button, got asked to home coming, is the star of the choir, just all around having those "golden years" every one told me high school was all about.

I can't help but wonder if my life would have been different had I not had such a large extended family. My step father was so protective of me, and his nephews upset that they could not claim me, that they kept every one else away. I was only asked to one dance, and I married that boy. I was asked on one other date. And I was so shy I didn't have a whole lot of friends.

I can't really blame my lack of social life on my parents, though they did not make it easy. I was an awkward teen at best. I also can't help envy my little sister. I just hope she's smart about it.

Eh, it's all about expectations. My parents hated high school, and they told me college was where it's at.

 

[the captians wench]

Eh, it's all about expectations. My parents hated high school, and they told me college was where it's at.

My family didn't push the college idea for me. Infact, I kind of just floated along in high school with out any sort of expectations pressed upon me. I was simply told "you are so talented at every thing you do, you can do anything you want to" with out any guidance on how I should go about choosing what I wanted. Hell even my guidance counselors told me this. For the first few years after my separation I felt like I had been dropped and left to fend for myself while I watched others my age work through school or start careers in a field they loved.

I've always been the type that did better when I had some one telling me what it is I should be doing, or some one to praise or scold me when appropriate. I was left to be independent before I was ready for it. I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't motivate myself, and I didn't want to have to work for it, I never had to before, why should I now?

I think I'm ready for it now, but I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

 

[the captians wench]

Missed a good bit, but feeling brave today.



weigh in:

Last measurements:
Bust: 51.5"
Waist:43.
Tummy:50
Hip: 51
R. Thigh:24.25
L. Thigh: 24


This week's measurements:

Bust: 51.5"
Waist:42.
Tummy:47
Hip: 50
R. Thigh:25.5
L. Thigh: 25.5



Difference:

Bust: 0
Waist: -1
Tummy: -3
Hip: -1
R. Thigh:+1.25
L. Thigh: +1.5


My activitiy has dropped a lot, especially this week while I've been sick. Still, I can really see the steady slim down, and it makes me very happy as well as helping my confidence levels.

 

[the captians wench]

So last night was my last scheduled night at the current store. I went down to the new store Monday morning on my way home from work, and that GM didn't know anything about me coming there. Yesterday afternoon I get a call from the current GM. They have decided not to move me, they are moving one of the newer assistants.

I'm very unnerved by this. I had pepped myself up for the rough ride of the new store. I do well under change. I was also looking forward to working for a different GM. I'm just not going anywhere under this one. And above all, I was looking forward to actually doing my position, rather than the one above me that I'm told I still have to prove I can handle.

This GM likes having me around. I know nearly as much as she does, and often more in some areas. She uses that to her full advantage.

I'm burnned out, and more and more I'm thinking I need to find something else. Still waiting on my acceptance letter so I can start school. Maybe I'll step down to a swing and go to school full time. Well, we'll see.

 

[His_pet_slut]

If this damned washing machine replacement debacle does not get resolved today, and resolved by me once again having a working washer/dryer appropriately installed and NO random appliances parked in the living room and office, I'm going to throw one hell of a hissy fit.

 

[the captians wench]

Wencie. Its only fair that I send you a message after our two encounters. I tried to be chivairousafter Friday, but you were persistent for sat. and caugt me at a weak moment. I'm not interested. Regardless of your feelings, I find you mentally and physically unattractive. We are -not- a match. Good luck in your future endeavors. Goodbye.

Seriously?

Facts:

We had a nice time Friday. Explored the art museum which I'd never gone to, he asked me to dinner after and we talked...and I freaked him out a bit because of some of the answers I gave to his questions, but they were honest, which is me. Hug and peck and I went home.

Saturday he sends me text messages talking about how he wanted to invite me over Friday. Then inviting me over that day. I said okay, we had some fun. I went home and didn't hear from him again until this message this morning.


I find the whole thing quite amusing. What kind of issues must you have to try and degrade me to say we're not a match? I never said I wanted "a match" in the first place. You were nice, we had fun, why can't that be the end?

Oh, and dear, you dick seems to find me mentally and physically attractive, just incase you didn't notice.

Seriously. What an ass.

ETA: And the part that is pissing me off between laughing at his pathetic attempt to make me feel less of myself, is that I do have some hurt feelings. I want to smack myself for feeling hurt at all.

 

[seela]

ETA: And the part that is pissing me off between laughing at his pathetic attempt to make me feel less of myself, is that I do have some hurt feelings. I want to smack myself for feeling hurt at all.

Oh Wenchie! I hope you're feeling better already, that ass doesn't deserve your ass! He was too big of a douche to see, how awsome you are!

Although I do understand your hurt feelings, too. *hugs*

 

[Keroin]

From your description, this fellow sounds like what L and me refer to, from our years in the tourism business, as a "glitch".

Glitches may seem OK in many, many respects but they have some kind of crossed wire somewhere, something that causes them to act in ways that are not just socially awkward but borderline sociopathic and...strange.

No, none of that is based on psychological fact, it's based on hosting guests who, for example, are very polite and outwardly normal and then slip into your house when you pop out for dinner, steal your bug spray and toilet paper, and riffle through your books...with no good explanation or reason.

In my experience, the best/only way to deal with a glitch is to not deal with them. Bide your time until they're gone, (give them a free roll of toilet paper if that speeds them along).

Do not waste your time feeling bad about yourself Wenchie. Be joyful and relieved that you did not have to sit through a third date where he might have launched into a long-winded, incomprehensible ramble about the business he's started, on the internet, utilizing technology and that he's also on a mission from god to start a health retreat.

You were one of the lucky ones that escaped. Be thankful...some of us still bear the emotional scars.

 

[Keroin]

From your description, this fellow sounds like what L and me refer to, from our years in the tourism business, as a "glitch".

Glitches may seem OK in many, many respects but they have some kind of crossed wire somewhere, something that causes them to act in ways that are not just socially awkward but borderline sociopathic and...strange.

No, none of that is based on psychological fact, it's based on hosting guests who, for example, are very polite and outwardly normal and then slip into your house when you pop out for dinner, steal your bug spray and toilet paper, and riffle through your books...with no good explanation or reason.

In my experience, the best/only way to deal with a glitch is to not deal with them. Bide your time until they're gone, (give them a free roll of toilet paper if that speeds them along).

Do not waste your time feeling bad about yourself Wenchie. Be joyful and relieved that you did not have to sit through a third date where he might have launched into a long-winded, incomprehensible ramble about the business he's started, on the internet, utilizing technology and that he's also on a mission from god to start a health retreat.

You were one of the lucky ones that escaped. Be thankful...some of us still bear the emotional scars.

 

[the captians wench]

Oh Wenchie! I hope you're feeling better already, that ass doesn't deserve your ass! He was too big of a douche to see, how awsome you are!

Although I do understand your hurt feelings, too. *hugs*

Yeah, I was over that bit in about 20 minutes. Currently processing anger. I mean, how dare he try to belittle me and make me feel bad about myself when we both know how awesome I am and how in love with me he was before we even met! Which might be a large part of the problem.

From your description, this fellow sounds like what L and me refer to, from our years in the tourism business, as a "glitch".

Glitches may seem OK in many, many respects but they have some kind of crossed wire somewhere, something that causes them to act in ways that are not just socially awkward but borderline sociopathic and...strange.

No, none of that is based on psychological fact, it's based on hosting guests who, for example, are very polite and outwardly normal and then slip into your house when you pop out for dinner, steal your bug spray and toilet paper, and riffle through your books...with no good explanation or reason.

In my experience, the best/only way to deal with a glitch is to not deal with them. Bide your time until they're gone, (give them a free roll of toilet paper if that speeds them along).

Do not waste your time feeling bad about yourself Wenchie. Be joyful and relieved that you did not have to sit through a third date where he might have launched into a long-winded, incomprehensible ramble about the business he's started, on the internet, utilizing technology and that he's also on a mission from god to start a health retreat.

You were one of the lucky ones that escaped. Be thankful...some of us still bear the emotional scars.

He might be a situational "glitch"

He was suspended from his job when we met on Friday. After dinner we talked and he said "had this been a week ago, things might have gone differently, but right now I'm not in a place where I can make any sort of commitment"

To which I replied, "That's okay, because like I said before, I'm not after any sort of commitment, and I don't even know that's what I want at this point."

I re-read the text messages from Saturday (when he found out he was let go) and I think I can pin point the moment when he started drinking.

All of this has brought me to the conclusion that he wants a relationship, but just can't handle that with the pressure of having just lost his job. And for some reason instead of just saying that, he has to try to belittle me. Which is probably best because as I expressed to him several times, I'm not looking for a relationship.

I'm starting to move from anger to feeling sorry for him. His whole personality changed with loosing that job (from the moment he was suspended). And eventually I'm sure I'll go back to laughing at that message again. It was such a pathetic attempt at covering his feelings.

 

[the captians wench]

Well, I re-read some of the text messages from Saturday. Call me a glutton for punishment if you will, but I'm resisting sending more of a reply to Tuesday's text than I have (which said "okay, but I left a necklase there, can I have it back?) so trying to work out what the fuck he was thinking is the only closure I'm going to get.

Anyway, upon re-reading them, I think we had something of a misunderstanding from the begining. He makes several comments about "I can't make any commitments right now" and "making it official" and such. Now I'm wondering if maybe that little interlude Saturday meant more in his mind than it did in mine. It would make several things and even comments fall into light a bit more.

Me in my horny bitch state (also known as ovulation) totally missed the subtlness of what he thought was going on. I don't know how I could have made myself any clearer. We spoke several times about how I wasn't looking for a relationship, how I don't view sex as much more than satisfying a basic need most of the time, and how I have never in my adult life had a friend I didn't fuck at one point or another (except for a few girls, but I fucked their SO's [with permission] so some sort of sexual connection).

I'm back to feeling pitty, and stroking my own ego pretty hard. It really is a shame the timing of all of this.

One lesson I did learn from this is that I can handle my flashbacks on my own now. There were two things that happened Saturday that took me back to a very dark place, which I think is a contributer to my reaction. But I worked through them, myself, with no help from anyone. "He" can't hurt me anymore, and the memories hold no power over me. I am awesome, and I will NEVER be "just" anything to anyone again.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm settling to do something that is either very stupid or very brave. Also has a high posibility of being very painful. But I need this, and I'm ready for it now. I can't really prepare myself for the outcome, but there's never going to be, I can only be ready to accept what happens and I'm finally at a point where I can honestly say that I am.