References, Please!

[T.J. Jackson]

edited because I don't feel like getting into it.






In answer to the thread, if I was asked for references I would give them. But since I'm not out looking for a date on the internet....there is no fear of being asked.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Listen:

We are all supposed to be adults here. I am assuming that no one here lives his or her life by committee.

I think that each individual can use his or her best judgment on how to live his or her own life.

I just gave my opinion on the subject cause that is what we do on these forums. I know how to conduct my own business, and do not need any help. But others here may want or need guidance from whomever they choose.

If certain things work for you, then by all means keep up the good work.

I do not look at any of this as a personality clash. It is all a matter of opinion. And like assholes, everyone has one.

 

[Ebonyfire]

As for references,

if sub who asks Me for references, he will get a five minute laugh, and a quick click to the ignore button.

But that is Me, and others may do as they choose.

Maybe the reference thing is a female thing. Cause I have never been asked by a male for them.

 

[D's mariposa]

I personally have an audition process that involves a 1500-word essay, a 3-mile run, and three 2-minute rounds of gator wrestling.

Substitute crawdad wrestling and a 3-mile drive to Starbucks and we'll talk..

Seriously though. I'm on the as the situation calls for it side. (If that is one.) And I've never asked for references. I tend to look at a persons community interactions. In a community like this one, or the bdsm community here, I wouldn't ask for references. We all know each other well enough. If I was running a personal ad, I might ask for references. But that comes back down to that little voice inside. If I did meet someone and the little voice inside says, "Whoa, babe, you need to check this guy out.", the fact that something about this person makes me feel that way means that I would probably not even bother. It'd be a case of "thanks but no thanks."

 

[MissTaken]

I have never asked for or been asked for references.

I do think that references seem to be a thing of the more formal practicioners who may require introductions be made from one to another and that sort of thing.

I just wondered what your thoughts would be.

I am completing an application that requires references and will be providing them. These references aren't about what a good submissive I am, but more likely to be about my validity and credibility. Oh, and the site definitely doesn't want trouble makers.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have never asked for or been asked for references.

I do think that references seem to be a thing of the more formal practicioners who may require introductions be made from one to another and that sort of thing.

I just wondered what your thoughts would be.

I am completing an application that requires references and will be providing them. These references aren't about what a good submissive I am, but more likely to be about my validity and credibility. Oh, and the site definitely doesn't want trouble makers.

Am I undestanding you in that you need references to oin a website?

 

[lark sparrow]

Trouble?

Oh, and the site definitely doesn't want trouble makers.

I'll lie for you, Miss T.

 

[Richard49]

\ Oh, and the site definitely doesn't want trouble makers.

Even though my reference would get me in
(I pay them well)

I'd last no time with the no touble maker part

 

[Ebonyfire]

I Oh, and the site definitely doesn't want trouble makers.

Then I wonder how they get anyone at all. Everyone has someone in their live past or present who considers them trouble. All you have to do is get references from a "crony".

 

[MissTaken]

Well, they require five references. I would think that even the worst trouble maker would have difficulty matching that.

Yes, EB, I am getting references in order to join. It is just interesting what one has to think about when one is faced with coming up with references with regard to something as personal as BDSM.



And no! They don't care how well I take a floggin'!

 

[Jimi]

Lurking I'm not...

for a change!

Eb, and Richard - a little realism would be helpful, people!
I suspect some subbies like to scene within a comfort zone...

I think that any level of "unknown" play, however exciting for the "s" person, should be consensual & SAFE!

Any "D" person with a true level of self-esteem in their unique abilities to provide a firm, caring level of control and discipline, should have absolutely NO problem in providing a subbie with a "safe' reference...

a really great D/s relationship is based on a LOT of mutual comfort and "fit" IMNSHO!

 

[watergirl]

I've never asked for references for someone online. If I'm comfortable with them through IMing and phone conversations, and I trust my instincts, and they seem to play well with others on Lit, then that is enough for me to meet them somewhere public.

I have been asked by a friend to be a reference. I was more than happy to, and gave a very honest statement about him... I also included my yahoo id, and even my cell phone number. Why? Because I trust him, and if he's interested in someone, I trust his judgement enough that I'd give out that kind of personal info to the person he's interested in...

I'm actually very surprised at the degree of offense taken by some people here at the idea of being asked for references! Perhaps because I'm freelance, and I don't advertise - all my work comes from word of mouth, people I've worked for giving my name to others in need of a painter - I see no problem in being asked for or giving references!

 

[Richard49]

It totally amazes me how judgemental some here can be

There is a thread here about what does it mean to be experenced
I have shared my story to many times here to waste bandwidth to do it again .... but I believe I have earned the right to my opinons and also have no right to push mine on others.

Perhaps some here just do not think before typing.
For those I would share that I "try" to ask myself if I would share
the same thing the same way ... if I were in someone else living room...... you know that is exactly where we are... in each others living room .....

It appears some here are far more into the internet for this lifestyle then me .... bless them ......

Miss T says she needs refrences to join a site she wants to join. Those that own that site have the right to place whatever
"gate(s)" they which ... in an earlier post I used the example of the VFW ..... this can happen in the nilla world.

If you feel the want/need to ask for or give reference go for it .....
please do not put those of us down that would not ...
we have our rights also

 

[ammre]

Anytime i meet someone from the internet i look toward some sort of reference... Often if you know the person well enough you will have probably talked to someone they know in real life... that's a non-formal reference of sorts. If you haven't met anyone involved in this person's life at all than i would consider that in my opinion "sketchy". I know it's harder for some people due to the nature of the BSDM relationship. They may want to keep that part of them private, but surely they may have at least one friend who knows of this life of theirs, and if not than they don't always have to say what the nature of the relationship to the third-party friend. (heh... as i re-read that i wonder if i can actually follow what i wrote or if i just know what i meant to say to start with)

And while some won't do any sort of referencing or other, it's always a good idea to meet them at LEAST one time before any sort of overly sexual encounters. Oft the internet is a good way to hide one's identity or nature, while in other ways it can show more of the real nature of a person than in real life. Knowing them through both forums before a sexual encounter is always a plus.

We don't laugh at people who wear condoms, wear seat-belts, wear helmets or make their partners (and themselves) get tested for STD's, before doing something. If they don't feel secure enough in their judgment I think they have every right to ask for some sort of a safety. Whether you want to be baggaged with someone who doesn't trust their own judgment (ESPECIALLY if their a Dom, but i don't know too many Dom's that would ask a sub for references) is your own call. I just don't think scoffing at people who try to be safe (while still taking a risks) is something people should do.

*shrug*
The internet can be deciving... arm yourself with knowledge.

 

[MissTaken]

If you weed through the personal differences and slams, you wil find the answer to my question is the same as the answer to about 90 percent of the questions on this forum.

It is up to the individual.

Some do and some don't, all for very different reasons.

So, perhaps, I should just cut and paste, "It is up to the individual...." to every thread!



Nawwwww that would get boring!

 

[lassarina]

I personally have an audition process that involves a 1500-word essay, a 3-mile run, and three 2-minute rounds of gator wrestling.

hmmmmmm-would two out of the three count if i included pics of the gator wrestling???

lass

 

[Richard49]

So, perhaps, I should just cut and paste, "It is up to the individual...." to every thread!

:

sounds reasonable to me

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

hmmmmmm-would two out of the three count if i included pics of the gator wrestling???

lass

Close enough!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Lurking I'm not...

Eb, and Richard - a little realism would be helpful, people!
I suspect some subbies like to scene within a comfort zone...

May I ask just do you mean by adding my name to this statement?

Perhaps you need express yourself more accurately. What does having references have to do with "subbies scening within a comfort zone?"

I assume a submissive has the sense to get to know someone before they engage in risky activities with them. I and others have posted ad nauseum on this subject. Perhaps you need to read those posts before embarrassing yourself by making unenlightened and inaccurate comments.

If you have a point, please do not hesitate to make it. But leave my name out of it, ok?

 

[Ebonyfire]

If you weed through the personal differences and slams, you wil find the answer to my question is the same as the answer to about 90 percent of the questions on this forum.

It is up to the individual.

Some do and some don't, all for very different reasons.

So, perhaps, I should just cut and paste, "It is up to the individual...." to every thread!



Nawwwww that would get boring!

No MissT. I think there a lot of new people here who do not read the many posts many of us have posted on this subject not once but over and over again.

As one of the Dommes on this list whose life is firmly entrenched in reality based D/s, I find some of the insulting comments made by some of the people who "drop" in annoying and dismaying.

But, I can and will say my peace in the manner I see fit. And, as usual, if they do not like it, they can kiss my black ass.

 

[MissTaken]

they can kiss my black ass.

I, for one, would consider it an honor and a privilege!



Now, I just gotta go bi!

 

[Ebonyfire]

I, for one, would consider it an honor and a privilege!



Now, I just gotta go bi!

MissT, you make me and my black ass blush!!!

 

[FungiUg]

Many articles about on line safety suggest asking for "references." Even some yahoo chat groups require references.

Who might you use as a reference in terms of BDSM and in what context?

Do you ever ask for references?

Would one reference carry more weight than another?

I have never asked for references. Could be fun though!

Most of the submissives I have played with are new to it. So they wouldn't have references.

I would think it would be something that a submissive could ask from a prospective Dominant though.

 

[FungiUg]

What do I use instead of references?

Okay, ahead of time, this is what works for me. I don't know if it would work for others. See MissT's comment about "what works for the individual."

I always try to chat to the person ahead of time -- a phone call, on the internet, and so on.

I also try to have a meeting with a prospective submissive which is just a meeting. No play involved or expected. No rules or expectations. Just meeting to see if the mutual attraction is there, and whether it's worth progressing.

Then a second meeting where I talk explicitly about what will be expected.

From there, an introdutory session, which is low key, concentrating on introducing D/s and sex. (That can be skipped for an experienced submissive I guess.)

Then building from there.

Now none of this is hard and fast. I don't follow it religiously. But that's my preferred method of introduction. Low key, no pressure, sense of humour firmly in hand, allow for no mutual attraction, and no recriminations for backing out.

 

[MissTaken]

Great post, fungi!

I must say that when that particular sort of progression defined a meeting I have had with a Dominant, it did wonders for my comfort levels.