References, Please!

[april-wine]

Great post, fungi!

I must say that when that particular sort of progression defined a meeting I have had with a Dominant, it did wonders for my comfort levels.

Could you give me a few days to get my references together???

 

[FungiUg]

I'm purely self-referential. (Eeek, geek humour!)

 

[snowy ciara]

My daily thread cpr bump

I found this interesting..

For instance, I can see why in some cases, a person would want to ask for them. (Not saying I would, just saying, I see the need.) For instance, you're trusting this person with your physical and emotional well being. On the other hand, if you've taken the time to get to know this person, it seems that you wouldn't need references. The situations never come up for me, so I don't know how I'd handle it.

References become especially difficult when you have someone like me who's a complete novice. I have no PYL references. I'm not active in my local scene. If you wanted a reference from a former lover (all one of him!), you probably wouldnt get a good one, since we ended badly.

But anyway, it's a cool thread, and it's fairly old, and I'd like to see what some of our more recent folks have to say about it.

 

[newmaster420]

safe sane and consentual

ok please allow me my humble opinion. while i do understand how one being asked for references could be considered an insult as the human ego will almost automaticly infer it as an acusation against thier charecter, but lets play devils advocate shall we?this may be simply the result of watching too many episodes of "Law and Order:SVU" but think of todays society where predators use any advantage to lure unsuspecting prey to thier diabolicle desires. in an online relationship fantasy plays a key role to who we are even after many "chats" one cannot say they know who they are talking to. even exchanging photos is inadaquete (sorry for the misspelling) due to photo editing and "aging" software.plus with the legal system as it is (here in america at least) our lifestyle would get little legal support if a crime is commited. i could hear the defence attorny now, "the so-called victim meets parties online in a bdsm chatroom/forum to find partners for violent sex acts. now after she(he) got exactly what she(he) was looking for, she(he) is claming ...blah blah blah and so forth". im sure you see what i mean i think referenses, background checksand comparing bdsm checklists (to see if both are of the same mindset) is definitely SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENTUAL. thank you all for listening to my little rant here

 

[princess4u]

i suppose that if one is active in the local scene and therefore the reference may be more of a consensus, it might make sense - but in my own case, i am not active in the local community nor is he

i am blessed that i had no question at all about meeting Master in person - he has always respected me from the very start and eased into our eventual (well actually after about 3 weeks of talking on the phone) meeting - in a public place with no expectations

perhaps if someone feels the need to ask for references, it should automatically raise the proverbial "red flag"

 

[WriterDom]

I was only asked once and it was a long time ago, and it was during a first conversation. She wanted something like 3 from subs, and 1 from a Dom/me. And we didn't meet, so it wasn't an issue.

I don't know how you could verify a reference. It is kind of like safe calls. On the surface they seem like a good thing, but in reality if someone means you harm, they are only good for helping police find the body sooner.

 

[NCShin]

my 2 bits...

I'm not really looking to meet anyone from the internet, but if it just kinda happened then so be it.

IF I was to look to meet someone I'd surely have no one to use as a reference.

While I do have some friendly ex's there aren't many that I am still in contact with. I've moved to a new state so don't even have any long term "friends" to use as a reference, at least not locally.

As for a backround check, no, that would require a social security number. Far past what *I'm* willing to give to someone who i've never met. How bout you give me 3 references so I can check to be sure it's safe to give you that information.

How many of you ladies have met a guy in a bar, coffee shop, supermarket, in the park, wherever and before going out with him asked to speak to 3 references? You know far less about him than you'd know about someone you're meeting from the internet.

The next point that I'd like to bring up is that pretty much anyone who will give references are going to give ones that will give a good report. So what good is it? What if he is abusive, or just has a bad relationship track record. Gives 3 people who will and want to help him get into a good one, so they give all the good points, and leave out the bad. Kinda useless if you ask me.

Anyway, I'd meet in a public place if I was to ever do it, so if you are too worried to meet someone in public without references then so be it.

 

[Guest]

References?

Oh well, what the hell....I've not been yelled at in at least three days ...My smirk is getting rusty.

So - I'll ask the obvious question....How?

If someone asks me for references, I am faced with two choices, I can either...

A: Possibly violate a confidence..thereby ensuring I will never get (or deserve) a reference in the positive sense.

Or..

B: I can supply them with people I know - Well duh folks ...If I was a baddie, I surely am not going to give out names of people that will confirm it...Am I now?

Actually my probable reply would be "You first."

(Yes I know that you can ask someone if you can use them for a reference ...Hmmm Try it sometime.)