Religiously irreverent

[raphy]

Last but not least, I need to say at this point that I am not going to engage in a lot of Biblical debate and dialog. I do that other places with people who like that sort of thing. I suspect the vast majority of the people who read the posts on this website would find such a discussion boring. Wouldn’t you agree, dear?

You'd be surprised at what we're able to debate here - Be careful what you wish for, for it might come true.

 

[LorriLove]

hiya again

never mind the religious nutter raphy, go empty your box

 

[raphy]

Done and done, darlin...

 

[champagne1982]

Jesus was a rabbi. The title didn't make Him wise, His close relationship with His Father allowed Him a closer relationship with His earthly congregation and experience made Him wise.

At least that's what all the wise men I know say. Experience is the best teacher.

To seekers of wisdom, I say, "Wanna get wise?"

 

[gauchecritic]

Dear Mrs Cleaning Lady,

I'd just like to point out to you that this particular board is intended for Lit. authors to discuss things they wish to discuss or visitors to enquire about things that authors discuss.

I personally have no wish to discuss religion with a 'believer', neither it seems do you. At least we have this in common.

But now I find myself torn. On the one hand I'm replying to you, a believer, who will not allow me my own beliefs if they are not yours. (or are you different from the doorstep believers?)

On the other hand I really feel the need to tell you that the only disquieting that you inflict on me is that you necessarily must break the (unwritten and not often followed) rules of bulletin boards vis a vis; hijacking.

I find it dull and quite annoying that when I'm chatting or having a serious discussion, for someone I haven't heard of, let alone met, to interrupt said chat/discussion with a personal (often inflamatory) zealotry. Please desist and refrain.

I'd also guess that you receive a greater number of private messages which make you wish you'd never started, than those seeking aid and comfort.

Gauche

 

[Icingsugar]

Re: Pa!!!

Why are you all being so nice to the religious nut, just tell them to *Go forth and Multiply*.

Fuck like minxes, you mean?

Religious belief has killed and is still killing more innocents in this world than any other 'disease' has or ever will.

Gotta put up a little objection. Greed for money and power started most wars in history. But religion has always been a pretty handy excuse.

-----
Oh well, back to blasphemies:

Bob was an avid golfer. He was also a terrible golfer, with a slice in his drive that would make Freddy Kruger jealous. Bob was also a terrible loudmouth.

Ted, Bob's best friend, was a meek, kind gentleman. Ted was also a devout religious man. Ted was not much of a golfer either, but he enjoyed his saturday rounds with Bob.

One saturday, Bob's play was exceptionally lousy. He downright sucked. After a chip from one bunker straight into the next one, he burst out:

"Jesus Fucking Christ Motherfucker! I missed!"

"So it seems," said Ted. "but really, Bob, you shouldn't blasphemy like that. God does not approve."

As if Bob would listen. A few minutes later he rolled a safe putt straight out into the fairway again.

"Jesus Fucking Christ Motherfucker! I missed!"

"Bob! Please, The Lord hears you!" Ted warned him.

But Bob went on, all afternoon he would send balls in unfortunate directions, and always holler out the same mantra.

The day had been clear and beautiful. After a while the weather all of a sudden turned for the worse, within minutes, the sky is filled with almost black clouds.

And only seconds after another one of Bob's misses and curses, the lightning struck.

It hits Ted, who immediately falls dead down. And from the sky, a deep, booming, monumental voice roars:

"Jesus Fucking Christ Motherfucker! I missed!"

 

[TheCleaningLady]

Dear Mrs Cleaning Lady,

I'd just like to point out to you that this particular board is intended for Lit. authors to discuss things they wish to discuss or visitors to enquire about things that authors discuss.

I personally have no wish to discuss religion with a 'believer', neither it seems do you. At least we have this in common.

But now I find myself torn. On the one hand I'm replying to you, a believer, who will not allow me my own beliefs if they are not yours. (or are you different from the doorstep believers?)

On the other hand I really feel the need to tell you that the only disquieting that you inflict on me is that you necessarily must break the (unwritten and not often followed) rules of bulletin boards vis a vis; hijacking.

I find it dull and quite annoying that when I'm chatting or having a serious discussion, for someone I haven't heard of, let alone met, to interrupt said chat/discussion with a personal (often inflamatory) zealotry. Please desist and refrain.

I'd also guess that you receive a greater number of private messages which make you wish you'd never started, than those seeking aid and comfort.

Gauche

Expressions of hatred and ridicule often come just before one starts to see the light. I will be more than happy to "cease and desist" as you say, if the people who run this board simply ask me to leave. It's their call. Other than that, you and I post messages under identical sets of rules. I will do as I please, always within the rules.

 

[Seattle Zack]

So a couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding, and they're standing at the Pearly Gates. "But wait," whispers the woman. "I still want to get married. What if we can't get married in heaven?"

The couple asks St. Peter, who gives a huge sigh. "Hang on, I'll check," he tells them, then disappears inside.

Days pass, then weeks, the couple still waiting outside the gates of heaven. "What if we do get married, and it doesn't work out?" asks the man. "I mean, if there's no divorce in heaven, we'd be stuck forever."

The woman agrees that yes, this is a valid concern, and they should ask St. Peter when he comes back.

Another week passes, and finally St. Peter returns. "Okay," he says, "I've got the answer. Yes, it is possible to get married in heaven."

"We were wondering," says the man, "what if it doesn't work out? Can we get divorced in heaven?"

St. Peter throws up his hands in disgust. "Son of a bitch!" he cries. "It took me a month to find a fucking priest -- do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"

 

[gauchecritic]

Expressions of hatred and ridicule often come just before one starts to see the light. I will be more than happy to "cease and desist" as you say, if the people who run this board simply ask me to leave. It's their call. Other than that, you and I post messages under identical sets of rules. I will do as I please, always within the rules.

Hmm. New tack Pure?

Gauche

 

[raphy]

Hmm. New tack Pure?

Gauche

I'd considered that, but decided against it. Pure likes us to know it's Pure, otherwise the abuse is meaningless. Or at least, that's how I see it... You have more experience than I at dealing with Pure.

 

[gauchecritic]

Although it will prove absolutely nothing I challenge It to deny being Mrs Cleaning Lady

Gauche

 

[cahab]

Re: Not Funny At All

Your use of our Lord's name in a vulgar and racist joke is very sad for all of us.

"I like well done humor, even when it uses or lampoons a holy figure. I think God has a sense of humor, what other explanation is there for a Dodo bird?

One day God was bored, so St. Peter suggested that He, and Jesus join St. Peter to play at this brand new golf course. God said he had always wondered about that game, so they came down to earth and started playing a round. At the fifth hole, there was a lake as a water hazard. The course was designed to play around the lake to get to the green. St. Peter hit his ball and lined it up fairly well to be hit back to the green on the other side of the lake. Jesus followed suit and hit his just a couple of inches from Peter's. God stepped up to the tee, but instead of lining up to hit it like the others, he lined up to hit it across the lake. Jesus said, "wait a minute, that's too far. The ball will simply fall in the lake." God paid no attention to him and hit the ball anyway. True to the prophecy, the ball went only about half-way across the lake and into the water. Jesus said, "see, I told you." God said, "be a good Son and go get it for me." Jesus walked out across the water, shaking his head and stopped in the middle of the lake and said, "come here." The ball immediately popped-up out of the water and into his hand. He came back to the shore and placed it on the tee, then said, "OK, now hit it down where we did and let's get on with this." God said, "I think I can make it this time with a little adjustment." Jesus shook his head and said, "If it falls in the lake this time, you're going to have to go get it yourself." Sure enough, God swung the club and the ball arced out over the lake, but fell short. God said, "Jesus." Jesus said, "I told you. You can go get it yourself." So God walked out across the water to find the ball. Just then, a couple of golfers came over the rise in their cart and screeched to a halt, both staring wide-eyed and God standing on the water. One yelled out, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Jesus said, "Naw, Tiger Woods."

You seem to think that Christ is some kind of a joke. It will not be that funny on Judgment Day, believe it, friend. Please stop blaspheming here. If you have no concern for your soul, at least you should be respectful of the sensibilities of others who find that sort of language, that sort of blaspheming repugnant.

The Cleaning Lady

PLEASE tell me this is a joke.

 

[raphy]

Re: Re: Not Funny At All

PLEASE tell me this is a joke.

I could tell you it's a joke, but it wouldn't necessarily be true.

 

[Mysteryjj]

Re: Re: Pa!!!

Fuck like minxes, you mean?

No, fuck off!! I mean.

It's a famous local saying, there are three f's in off.

 

[Guest]

I wondered . . .

Hmm. New tack Pure?

Gauche

Hmmm.

I was wondering if this was an experienced Lit poster pretending to be a newbie, trying to start up some stuff.

TCL, if you are indeed a new poster, I must echo gauche's request that you post your thoughts on another thread.

The General Board as stated in the website guidelines (rules) is more suited to topics of general discussion.

You certainly do have the right to your specific opinion, but this area of Lit is for authors to discuss aspects of writing/voting/editing/ publishing our stories.

OR, if you have an erotic story you want to post, feel free. (I'd personally love to read a story about a priest, a rabbi, and a hooker!)

One small aside. Why do some people believe that only they possess all of the religious answers of the universe? Isn't it vanity on your part to presume your thoughts are superior, your message is of the utmost importance, your way is the only one?

I think my pastor would be disappointed in your approach. I'll ask him tomorrow.

 

[TheCleaningLady]

Dear Mrs Cleaning Lady,

I'd just like to point out to you that this particular board is intended for Lit. authors to discuss things they wish to discuss or visitors to enquire about things that authors discuss.

I personally have no wish to discuss religion with a 'believer', neither it seems do you. At least we have this in common.

But now I find myself torn. On the one hand I'm replying to you, a believer, who will not allow me my own beliefs if they are not yours. (or are you different from the doorstep believers?)

On the other hand I really feel the need to tell you that the only disquieting that you inflict on me is that you necessarily must break the (unwritten and not often followed) rules of bulletin boards vis a vis; hijacking.

I find it dull and quite annoying that when I'm chatting or having a serious discussion, for someone I haven't heard of, let alone met, to interrupt said chat/discussion with a personal (often inflamatory) zealotry. Please desist and refrain.

I'd also guess that you receive a greater number of private messages which make you wish you'd never started, than those seeking aid and comfort.

Gauche

Ahhhh! I see. This particular part of the board is just for authors. I'm sorry. I thought I was in a more general part of the messages area. I will go there and leave you all to your other things. Bye now.

The Cleaning Lady

 

[ffreak]

Then there are the ones that star Mormons:

A priest comes running into the room where the Pope is giving an audience to two world leaders.
The priest begs forgiveness for the interruption.
The Pope asks him, "What is so urgent, my son."
The priest says, "I have good news and bad news, holy father."
The Pope asks, "What is the good news?"
The priest says, "Jesus is on the phone, and he is asking for you."
"Wonderful," the Pope says, "what could the bad news possibly be?"
"He's calling from Salt Lake."


Through sheer coincidence, one night, Billy Graham, Orel Roberts, and Gordon B Hinckley all die in a terrible plane crash after conferring with the President in Washington. It is not according to plan and Heaven does not have their places prepared. St. Peter asks each of them if, just until their mansions are ready, they would mind waiting in Hell. Of course, Satan is not given a choice in the matter. Eight days later, Satan calls Peter in a panic.
"Peter, you've got to help me!" says Satan.
"What's wrong?" Peter asks.
"You've got to get these three preachers out of here. They're undermining my authority."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, first," Satan says, "That Graham fellow went around converting the unrepentant."
"So," Peter asks with a little chuckle.
"Then that Roberts guy went around healing the oozing sores and other inflictions I use to torture my residents, and they're all singing and dancing and generally making my demons sick to their stomachs."
"What's wrong with good cheer?" Peter asks, laughing harder at Satan's discomfort.
"But that's not the worst part! You really don't understand," says Satan.
"What, there's more?"
"Yes there's more, it's that Mormon guy, he's the worst."
Peter asks, "What could he possibly do that would be worse for you?"
"He's air conditioned the damn place!"


For those that wonder about the applicability of this thread in the Author's Hangout, other than the simple stress relief humor always gives, and the touchy target subject. It is simply this - to convey a piece of humor well requires not only the basic plot of the joke, but the ability to perform the set-up, stretch it out like any story, and then deliver a punch line that gets a smile, a laugh, a general lifting of the dark spirits.


-FF (so if Jews are generally successful with finances and Mormons are generally successful with finances, why doesn't it work when a Jew becomes a Mormon?)

 

[gauchecritic]

Couldn't find another joke thread so I'm putting it here. From TheHun front page.

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his rear while he is onfire. Further studies are expected.

Gauche

 

[MathGirl]

Originally posted by TheCleaningLady I will go there and leave you all to your other things. Bye now.

Now there's a bright spot on an otherwise dismal weekend.
MG

 

[Guest]

*chuckling*


Oh, and gauche? I've got scissors and a baseball bat . . .

 

[Icingsugar]

Gauche, that was a gem. Maybe I'm just a sick freak, but I still have cramps from laffin.

 

[Guest]

Further studies are expected.

Gauche, please make further inquiries re. post-menopausal women, and do not joke about it - we can be as hormonal as girls.

Sincerely, Purr

 

[Pure]

Nice one, Gauche.

J.

 

[OldnotDead]

OK, I don't know about you, but I need more laughs in my life, on a regular basis. . . . here is something I got from today's Non-Sequitur offering that pretty much sums up my opinion on religion and the divine humor of irreverence:

God does the talk show circuit:

I think my best creation was the sense of humor. The irony of course, is that the people who claim to believe in me the most are the ones least likely to have one.

Hey, Eff,

Enjoying this thread immensely. When I read this line, I heard George Burns doing the delivery. I want to attribute it to "Oh, God" (one or two) but I'm not real sure.

Having both relatives and many, many friends that 'wear their shirts backwards', I can safely say that many of those that have dedicate their lives to serving God have a delightful sense of humor and are not afraid to point it at themselves.

A Priest was flying on an airplane in a middle seat when the pilot announced some engine trouble was going to force them to make an emergency landing. Turning to his fellow passengers, he invited them to join him in prayer for strength and skill to the pilots and safety for all aboard.

The man on his right declined, saying he was a fatalist and their outcome was already decided and no divince intervention could save or harm them. The woman on his left also declined, stating she was an atheist.

A face then appeared over the seat in front of the Priest saying "F f f f f a a a ther, I wwwwould be ggggglad to ppppppray wwwwwith you."

"Wonderful, my son," replied the Priest. "Do you mind if I ask your faith?"

"Nnnno, ffffather, I dddddon't mind. I'm an Ecopalian"

"An Ecopalian? Is that some kind of envionrmental religion?"

"No, Faaather. It's an Episcopalian with the Piss scared right out of him"

OnD

 

[ffreak]

Good one!

Now that you mention it, I'm can't get George Burn's voice separated from the line for anything.

-FF (thank you for a good start to the week)