Sexless Marriages

[Tweedledude]

I wish that all couples could have this conversation...an open, honest covo: as in, "I'm not into sex anymore but honey, since your sex drive is still high...go for it. Be smart, be safe and have a good time" Male or female partner, married or just together and HEAR each other. Set up parameters, 'rules' if you will..that will allow for one person to still find fulfillment that the other doesn't need/want.

Personally speaking, I grew up Catholic and until a few years ago..I couldn't separate the whole 'sex only happens with someone you love and are committed (ie, married to)' concept I was forced to believe as a child/young adult. It hit me as only an EPIPHANY can...that it's simple to just keep the two separate.

Sex DOES NOT equal love - the caveat for me though is there needs to be a relationship/friendship happening...as in, "I care if you get injured, something happens in your life that hurts you"....but what happens to YOU in YOUR life with your WIFE/family/friends is a minor facet of the friendship, and only if YOU choose to tell me.

"Hey lover, (wife and I) played a mean game of Farkle with our neighborhood group last night and I kicked ass"...is interesting...

But I'd rather hear that you thought about ME all day (even while you were playing cards and trying to concentrate enough to win) and ended up in the neighbor's bathroom, your dick so hard you couldn't stand up straight, stroking yourself, aching for me, kneeling there in front of you, mouth on your cock sucking you into oblivion.

To me, that's the difference. That's attraction/desire/need...not love. Love is for your primary relationship, not your FWB and if the whole world could grasp that concept, we'd be a much happier bunch. It seems the French have it down pat - the wife/partner/mother of your children/woman you love and will spend the rest of your life with....

And the woman who rocks your world sexually...and you hers.

I've been thinking about this and yes yes yes but to find a person that can have this kind of conversation.... Well most counselors, shrinks sex and life coaches agree that this is the way we should be able to communicate but these types i think are a rarity very rare..
Quoting from one such source:
You both must feel comfortable exchanging your thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism, feeling inferior, or being smothered.
Show affection. We all need to feel loved, cherished, needed, and wanted. Physical embraces, hugging, kissing, holding hands, caring for each other, and seeing to each other’s needs can help spouses show and feel affection that is crucial for married couples.
Remember that you are each other’s therapists. No counselor or outsider knows the two of you better than the two of you do! You know each other’s likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. A good therapist listens attentively; provides new perspectives on situations; compliments on progress; is patient, kind, and nonjudgmental; and helps us think things through in ways that allow a better solution. Superficiality dooms relationships because such a shallow level of communication does not create positive emotions and feelings between spouses.

Enrich your intimacy.
It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you enjoy your physical and emotional relationship. Intimacy is not to be abused. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing your masculine and feminine traits in a wholesome way. Of course, the relationship must be healthy if this part of the marriage is to be cherished. Intimacy should not be used as a punishment or a weapon to hurt the other spouse or reward “good behavior.”

A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.” If you want a happy marriage, do what happily married couples do.

End quotes

I read to much... Lol

 

[MrGoatee]

Talking happens but sometimes you can't get around pain and nature

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

You both must feel comfortable exchanging your thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism, feeling inferior, or being smothered.

Yes, open and honest communication, but that's rarely possible, in my experience.

Show affection. We all need to feel loved, cherished, needed, and wanted. Physical embraces, hugging, kissing, holding hands, caring for each other, and seeing to each other’s needs can help spouses show and feel affection that is crucial for married couples.

This sounds great, unless one or both of the partners aren't neurotypical. Then this all goes out the window.

Remember that you are each other’s therapists.

No. Definitely not. Sometimes, but not routinely. Confidant? Yes. Advisor? Yes. Therapist? No.

No counselor or outsider knows the two of you better than the two of you do! You know each other’s likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. A good therapist listens attentively; provides new perspectives on situations; compliments on progress; is patient, kind, and nonjudgmental; and helps us think things through in ways that allow a better solution. Superficiality dooms relationships because such a shallow level of communication does not create positive emotions and feelings between spouses.

Enrich your intimacy.
It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you enjoy your physical and emotional relationship. Intimacy is not to be abused. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing your masculine and feminine traits in a wholesome way. Of course, the relationship must be healthy if this part of the marriage is to be cherished. Intimacy should not be used as a punishment or a weapon to hurt the other spouse or reward “good behavior.”

A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.” If you want a happy marriage, do what happily married couples do.

End quotes

I read to much... Lol

There is a lot of truth above, and it's wonderfully idealistic, but the practical execution is rare, again - in my opinion.

 

[Olderwiserstillhorny]

Yeah, with health issues on her part, a sexless relationship is sometimes not easy. Makes it hard, especially living in a small town. To set and admire all the local ladies isn't helpful. Thoughts of an affair or a one nighter runs in your mind, but also guilt. What to do?

 

[Tweedledude]

Yes, open and honest communication, but that's rarely possible, in my experience.


This sounds great, unless one or both of the partners aren't neurotypical. Then this all goes out the window.


No. Definitely not. Sometimes, but not routinely. Confidant? Yes. Advisor? Yes. Therapist? No.

There is a lot of truth above, and it's wonderfully idealistic, but the practical execution is rare, again - in my opinion.

Oh i agree with you and knowing what i know now i tell my grandkids "if you think your sweetheart will change their attitude after marriage i advise you to get in your car and never go back"..... If two people can't have this type of conversation before agreements are made run for the hills

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

Oh i agree with you and knowing what i know now i tell my grandkids "if you think your sweetheart will change their attitude after marriage i advise you to get in your car and never go back"..... If two people can't have this type of conversation before agreements are made run for the hills

And, for the love of all that's holy, don't get married young. There's nothing wrong with a long engagement, but I think most people don't really know who they are themselves until they're mid to late 20s, or even later.

 

[MsSuckMyLollipop]

I've been thinking about this and yes yes yes but to find a person that can have this kind of conversation....

It is....I agree it takes a mature couple to have this discussion. My discussion with the husband has taken place over TWO YEARS...two years of 'what about this' 'what about that' 'how do you feel about this'...I was just sharing with another Litster one thing I did that was WRONG and I'd go back and change it if I could...Essentially I gave husband the power to veto something he wasn't comfortable with. Which has led to MANY disagreements...on his part only.

I'm chill with whatever he chooses to do...if it's something that bothers me...I'll bring it up peacefully...and then HE argues...but....I can't control that.

Basically, it's come down to that word alone...control...HE wants control and I refuse to concede it....but I'm not straying from the agreed upon path so he can sit back and be as upset as he wants to be.

We've revisited HIS rules as he decides that he wants to do something that 'we' agreed was a 'no'.....and since I never felt it was necessary anyway, I'm cool with dropping it.

It's an on-going process and who knows where we will end up - but I won't be living the rest of my life without fucking someone and being fucked by someone of my choice.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

It's an on-going process and who knows where we will end up - but I won't be living the rest of my life without fucking someone and being fucked by someone of my choice.

I envy your confidence and grit. I take inspiration from this, thank you.

 

[Tweedledude]

https://forum.literotica.com/members/mssuckmylollipop.6520710/


Your struggle feels real familiar. I didn't realize to after the "I do's" just how narrow her views on intimacy were. Counseling basically said she is asexual so i am left with that. We wanted kids so that motivated sex but sex for pleasure or having that feeling that "I'm the guy" that really hasn't materialized.

So into the gym daily and books and my interests I've dealt with the abundant testosterone driven person i am through distraction and putting myself into other things. It really sucks.... And not in a good way (humor)
I feel your pain and need to say just how sorry i am for you...... The denial the name calling it all just wears a person down.

 

[Tweedledude]

And, for the love of all that's holy, don't get married young. There's nothing wrong with a long engagement, but I think most people don't really know who they are themselves until they're mid to late 20s, or even later.

Absolutely agree. Dam we all should go on the speaking circuit. Churches, Civic orgs, colleges..... Convince people to pull their heads out and think.

 

[elizaloo]

Absolutely agree. Dam we all should go on the speaking circuit. Churches, Civic orgs, colleges..... Convince people to pull their heads out and think.

I’m in!!!

‘Fuck your way through your 20’s (safely) and leave marriage until you have a career, bank account, house and at least 20 lovers under your belt!’

Or you’ll end up like us; regretful, disappointed, sorely sorry and looking for some side fucking.

 

[Tweedledude]

I’m in!!!

‘Fuck your way through your 20’s (safely) and leave marriage until you have a career, bank account, house and at least 20 lovers under your belt!’

Or you’ll end up like us; regretful, disappointed, sorely sorry and looking for some side fucking.

I've chewed my fingernails off up to the second knuckle from frustration. Makes it difficult to eat Ice cream (laughing at self)


I can see us after a speaking engagement running in terror from the hordes with pitchforks and burning torches. Oh gadfry I'm busting a gut laughing at self

 

[frankl01]

Would you give her a Hall Pass?

Not necessarily a carte blanche pass, but if something happened spontaneously, I would let her if it would make her happy.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I’m in!!!

‘Fuck your way through your 20’s (safely) and leave marriage until you have a career, bank account, house and at least 20 lovers under your belt!’

Or you’ll end up like us; regretful, disappointed, sorely sorry and looking for some side fucking.

I truly do not understand how women end up in a situation of sexlessness. No aspersions or anything, just that men fuck who they can, and women fuck who they want. Culturally, I know of an overwhelming amount of men dying for sex where most women (seemingly) are getting what they want.

I know there are medical issues to account for, I guess I'm just wistfully thinking how nice it would be to be wanted.

 

[MsSuckMyLollipop]

I truly do not understand how women end up in a situation of sexlessness. No aspersions or anything, just that men fuck who they can, and women fuck who they want. Culturally, I know of an overwhelming amount of men dying for sex where most women (seemingly) are getting what they want.

I know there are medical issues to account for, I guess I'm just wistfully thinking how nice it would be to be wanted.

There are an astronomical number of men on Lit dying for sex...just IMO. As a female, I get propositioned constantly; some are looking to get cyber laid and nothing else, others want to actually meet up.

It's certainly easier to make contact here and, if in the same geographic area, suggest a meet up - but what would it take IRL for a guy?

Making conversation in the grocery store? I know there are apps like Fetlife or what have you (never been on one myself) so is that where a man in a sexless marriage would 'look'?

I've talked to guys who a) started fucking a woman at work and had trouble with that backfiring in a big way b) travel so they can utilize an escort without fear of being doxxed c) swing, so they can get fucked within the confines of that situation...or they tell me how awful it is to be without.

You sure don't want to hook up with your wife's best friend...or someone from 'your life together'...it just makes me wonder what the answer would/could be?

 

[Peppadance]

There are an astronomical number of men on Lit dying for sex...just IMO. As a female, I get propositioned constantly; some are looking to get cyber laid and nothing else, others want to actually meet up.

It's certainly easier to make contact here and, if in the same geographic area, suggest a meet up - but what would it take IRL for a guy?

Making conversation in the grocery store? I know there are apps like Fetlife or what have you (never been on one myself) so is that where a man in a sexless marriage would 'look'?

I've talked to guys who a) started fucking a woman at work and had trouble with that backfiring in a big way b) travel so they can utilize an escort without fear of being doxxed c) swing, so they can get fucked within the confines of that situation...or they tell me how awful it is to be without.

You sure don't want to hook up with your wife's best friend...or someone from 'your life together'...it just makes me wonder what the answer would/could be?

I’ve met ladies while traveling… it has not been very hard. I usually just chat and listen… they usually make a leading suggestion when they want to leave.

 

[LeeKee]

52 yr old white male in KCMO area. Agreed and feel for you. My wife claims to not need it as often as me….I dont think once a week is out of the question at all. It ends up being closer to every three weeks to a month. But i end up rubbing one out almost every day, most to great stories here on Lit. But i wish i could meet up with a F in a similar situation. Not trying to change the marriage but rather change my sex life frequency or find friends to rub things out with.

Try twice in 3 years. Now after this long ive lost hope, then lost interest. What a racket women can run and its lauded as somebpower of abilty. No, it easy to shut down and do nothing. Its not a skillnor power. Its bullshit. When to know its over is a lost concept. Roommates. More like cellmates.

 

[writerzblok92]

Try twice in 3 years. Now after this long ive lost hope, then lost interest. What a racket women can run and its lauded as somebpower of abilty. No, it easy to shut down and do nothing. Its not a skillnor power. Its bullshit. When to know its over is a lost concept. Roommates. More like cellmates.

Going on 12 years...I feel your pain. Definitely just roommates, and my bed has become a chair in the living room

 

[Lady2020]

Try twice in 3 years. Now after this long ive lost hope, then lost interest. What a racket women can run and its lauded as somebpower of abilty. No, it easy to shut down and do nothing. Its not a skillnor power. Its bullshit. When to know its over is a lost concept. Roommates. More like cellmates.

I don't get the racket comment. Is it better having a cell mate or just leave?

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

There are an astronomical number of men on Lit dying for sex...just IMO. As a female, I get propositioned constantly; some are looking to get cyber laid and nothing else, others want to actually meet up.

It's certainly easier to make contact here and, if in the same geographic area, suggest a meet up - but what would it take IRL for a guy?

Making conversation in the grocery store? I know there are apps like Fetlife or what have you (never been on one myself) so is that where a man in a sexless marriage would 'look'?

I've talked to guys who a) started fucking a woman at work and had trouble with that backfiring in a big way b) travel so they can utilize an escort without fear of being doxxed c) swing, so they can get fucked within the confines of that situation...or they tell me how awful it is to be without.

I did find myself in category a - we both had big feelings for each other. She wouldn't leave her asshole husband and I ended up moving hours away. It wasn't just fucking, it was emotional and intimate. But there was big risk. Sparks and chemistry - it was how things should be.

You sure don't want to hook up with your wife's best friend...or someone from 'your life together'...it just makes me wonder what the answer would/could be?

That's the question I have - where do these missing connections happen?

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I don't get the racket comment. Is it better having a cell mate or just leave?

It's better to leave, at least to me. But it's more than not having sex in my situation, that just happens to also apply.

Once the kids are grown and can't be used as pawns, I'm done.

 

[Lady2020]

It's better to leave, at least to me. But it's more than not having sex in my situation, that just happens to also apply.

Once the kids are grown and can't be used as pawns, I'm done.

I left when my kids were young. Sure, I could have stayed for the financial security while living with his contempt. I think the question is how much contempt and financial security are we willing to accept before we hate our partner and ourselves.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I left when my kids were young. Sure, I could have stayed for the financial security while living with his contempt. I think the question is how much contempt and financial security are we willing to accept before we hate our partner and ourselves.

I'm the sole provider, have been for 20 years. It's not about the money, it's about the threats she's made to try and ever prevent me from seeing my kids. She'll try and take every penny I've scraped together, but I don't care. I just want to be free and be myself, which she loathes and looks down on. Only a few more years.

 

[Lady2020]

I'm the sole provider, have been for 20 years. It's not about the money, it's about the threats she's made to try and ever prevent me from seeing my kids. She'll try and take every penny I've scraped together, but I don't care. I just want to be free and be myself, which she loathes and looks down on. Only a few more years.

It goes to show the the multiple circumstances involved in sexless marriages.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

It goes to show the the multiple circumstances involved in sexless marriages.

Exactly. There is a plethora of reasons for the situation, and not a one size fits all