Should I or should I not...

[NightL]

Shaming? I'm not seeing jt.

Perhaps check if there is any correlation between PapaDan's tirade and anything KristainSC has written.

Here is a start for you

You cannot let this turn into a pissing contest, because no one ever won a pissing contest in a marriage. When a marriage turns into a pissing contest, it just as often as not, ends up in divorce.

A divorce may sound like an option, but consider what a divorce is for a middle-age woman. It can be tough starting over, and then, who are your children going to blame for breaking up their parents marriage. Children, (even when grown), see it differently than either you or your husband.

When a couple reaches a crisis like this, they rarely think of their children, but consider this, when you reach the autumn of your life, you will need them just as they needed you when they were growing up. (If you have children)

KristainSC has repeated several times her effort to connect, communicate and assist and is continuing her effort - which is constantly met with a stone wall

Children - where did that come from?

but of course KristainSC has to consider she is only a mere middle-age woman and won't cope (since you have trouble following, that is sarcasm from me)

Oh "the autumn of your life, you will need them just as they needed you" - well someone has to push the wheel chair

ChuckandAndrea it is all overblown waffle that indicates a hell of a lot more about PapaDan than any connection to what KristainSC has written.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Many years ago, I was in a relationship with... let's call them Alice... and at the same time, in a relationship with Bob.

(The nonmonogamy angle was all aboveboard - everybody knew and consented, indeed Alice and Bob were also dating one another. Don't worry about that aspect, it's not important here.)

Things were great for a long time, and then both those relationships blew up at the same time. I loved both Alice and Bob, but it got to the point where I had to choose which of those relationships to abandon, because I didn't have the energy to try fixing both of them at once. It was a very crappy decision to have to make.

Being around Bob was... not a lot of fun. Bob was verging on suicidal, blaming me for a bunch of things that were not reasonably my fault (along with a bunch of things that were), and told me repeatedly that they didn't see any hope for the future: my decisions had ruined their life forever and ever.

But, early on, Bob and I had promised one another that things ever got bad, we'd try counselling, and Bob was willing to keep that promise, even though they had no hope that it was going to fix things.

In a lot of ways, the problems between Alice and myself were a lot smaller. They felt like the sort of things that could be fixed, if we just talked through them. But Alice was unwilling to talk. I told Alice "we need to work through this stuff, let me know when you're ready to talk", and that turned out to be never.

So in the end I went with the partner who was prepared to try - even when they thought it was hopeless - over the partner who wasn't. Because it's easier to fix big shit with both people trying, than to fix even small problems with somebody who point-blank refuses to work on it. It was a long road but in the end, Bob and I sorted out enough of our shit. We're still together twenty-odd years later and the more I look back on it, the less doubt I have that I made the right choice.

If your partner isn't willing to work with you on problems, the relationship is fucked. It's like one of those blood disorders where people bleed to death from the tiniest of cuts because they don't have a way to heal them - even if his Peyronies got magically cured tomorrow and his sex drive recovered, there'd be something else.

And you don't really need to decide whether he's a selfish asshole or just a victim of a situation he's not emotionally equipped to deal with. That's an important question for him, but for you it works out the same either way: if he can't offer you a way to work toward a resolution for this, and especially if he's not willing to explore the options that have already been suggested, there's no pathway to fixing things.

(Also, it's not really a kindness to the children to set the example that you have to stay in a relationship no matter how miserable it is and no matter whether the other person is doing their bit.)

Wishing you luck, and sorry things have turned out like this.

 

[Bramblethorn]

When anyone is faced with a crisis like this, they, (all of us), go through he four stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression and finally, Acceptance.

There are actually five stages of grief in that model. The other one, in between "anger" and "depression", is "bargaining": "maybe if I take up yoga/pray to St. Jude/stand outside her window with a boombox, I can make the Bad Thing less bad".

Sad thing here is that "bargaining" would be an effective solution to the problem - OP has offered several options that she'd be willing to live with - but her husband isn't willing to go there.

 

[PapaDan]

Like I always say, a differing opinion always brings out the trolls.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

She is not responsible for her husband’s feelings. There’s a lot of manipulation going on in a post that’s providing such highly detailed internal dialogue projected onto the husband. Unless that person is the husband, he can’t possibly know the things he’s saying. They are written as certainties, not suggestions.

Also, the fear-mongering of the plight of the middle aged divorced woman? Come on! As a middle-aged divorced woman with lots of middle-aged divorced woman friends, I don’t know one person who regrets the divorce. I’m sure there are plenty who do, but regret and strife are also not a certainty. It’s easy to find a lot of articles that suggest women are happier after. That said, divorce is hard, even if you’re ready for it, even if you’re sure. But, it’s more than possible to be happier and more fulfilled after. Hell, there are studies suggesting the happiest women are those who never marry. This does not surprise me at all.

Seems like you're reading a lot more into things than I was, or maybe its the other way around...

I read it more as a counter perspective to the ongoing narrative from everyone on here that shes done everything in her power, he's pure villain, and divorce is awesome. (That's hyperbole btw)

I'm happily married and we've had our fair share of rough patches. Big ones, little ones, very big ones... and everything in his post hit home cause I've been there. Wife has been there. We've had several conversations where either one of us were feeling just like PD describes. For example, I've thought about what the realities of being a single middle aged man would be like and it doesn't sound fun... even though I'm at a place where I'm much more attractive to women than I've ever been in my entire life.

Glad you came out of your divorce much better on the other side. Glad your friends have too. My experience is different. My friends experiences are different. I don't know any happier now divorced people. I don't know any families that are better off divorced because of it. I know a lot of people who claim they're happier and better off, but who are so obviously miserable its hard to be around them. I know people who've cheapened themselves so much in terms of their own personal value that they've devolved into sad attempts at being 21 again as a way to cope with their loss. I know people who's kids fell off hard after the divorce- grades, behavior, etc. Of course, I know some kids who took it in stride and it wasn't a big deal - age seems to be the biggest factor here.

Neither of our experiences is Bible and neither of us should filter our opinions and advice through others perfectly reasonable responses simply because they differ from ours.

For a little anecdote... I know a couple who split two years ago. I don't know the details on why as I met them right before it happened and still aren't really close enough to pry. From what I've pieced together, she was somehow unsatisfied. She bailed, started living her new life, and over the last couple of years found out it the grass wasn't greener. Their kids, 7 & 9, started getting in trouble and fell behind in school. One had to be held back a year and both were good students prior. It never got too ugly with them in front of the kids or anything and they maintain joint custody. Divorce was a year in and now he's moved on and she's trying to get back with him to put the family together. Its ugly stuff.

Again, it doesn't have to be that way... but in my experience it is, a lot of the time. YMMV and the fear of an uncertain future is no excuse to stay in an incredibly miserable situation... BUT... we shouldn't just assume one viewpoint is automatically verboten because it strikes a chord with us personally. Considering the husband's perspective and the realities of her personal circumstance depending on any path she takes is solid advice. Assuming the worst out of someone who's being quite reasonable isn't helpful.

Again though... I could be reading all of this wrong...

 

[KristainSC]

I so appreciate everyone’s replies and don’t like to see people arguing with one another. However, the passionate, thoughtful responses are interesting and helpful.

We had another, very long, conversation last night (was up until about 2am). He was much calmer and actually tried viewing things from my side for the first time. Which is something I have been doing with him for years. He put a lot of things on the table, was very raw with them and wants me to consider some of them (like potentially opening our marriage). That shocked me and I am still processing that. I never expected him to put that out there.

Please, no judging. I do feel that some projections have been made about by some responses and I appreciate those defending me.

 

[NightL]

ongoing narrative from everyone on here that shes done everything in her power, he's pure villain, and divorce is awesome. (That's hyperbole btw)

and I left your "hyperbole" in - but I suggest you still go back through the posts and check how it matches up

Basically all but one are trying to encourage communication as a priority.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Perhaps check if there is any correlation between PapaDan's tirade and anything KristainSC has written.

Here is a start for you


KristainSC has repeated several times her effort to connect, communicate and assist and is continuing her effort - which is constantly met with a stone wall

Children - where did that come from?

but of course KristainSC has to consider she is only a mere middle-age woman and won't cope (since you have trouble following, that is sarcasm from me)

Oh "the autumn of your life, you will need them just as they needed you" - well someone has to push the wheel chair

ChuckandAndrea it is all overblown waffle that indicates a hell of a lot more about PapaDan than any connection to what KristainSC has written.

I missed this before I responded.

Yes, but we don't know what that communication consisted of, all we have is a one-sided portrayal by someone who's very emotionally invested. And the very beginning of this thread was that person saying they were considering cheating.

One of the biggest things that both my wife and I got out of counselling is that our perspectives were often WRONG. Flat out, wrong. The way we remember things like, "I said this in this way" was very often not accurate. That leads to massive miscommunications that tend to spiral out of control, especially as those conversations mount. Perhaps that stone wall is there for a reason - perceived, implied, or for a good reason... we don't know.

And where did the children come from? Well, it's right there in her sig line and not something she has talked about. So I don't think it's unreasonable to consider that nobody is thinking of the children given the limited amount of information we have. It's totally possible that she talked about the kids as a consideration and I missed it, but from what I recall, PD was the first to bring kids into the convo.

Again, we only have a very limited subset of information. Someone thinking about other pieces that may be or definitely are part of the puzzle is, IMHO, more responsible than just taking everything perfectly at face value. That's what a good therapist does - not that any of us are even remotely qualified.

Like I always say, a differing opinion always brings out the trolls.

Not everyone who disagrees with you is a troll. Even if they lash out unreasonably.

I so appreciate everyone’s replies and don’t like to see people arguing with one another. However, the passionate, thoughtful responses are interesting and helpful.

We had another, very long, conversation last night (was up until about 2am). He was much calmer and actually tried viewing things from my side for the first time. Which is something I have been doing with him for years. He put a lot of things on the table, was very raw with them and wants me to consider some of them (like potentially opening our marriage). That shocked me and I am still processing that. I never expected him to put that out there.

Please, no judging. I do feel that some projections have been made about by some responses and I appreciate those defending me.

Again, be careful. Opening things up could definitely cause more problems than they fix. Keep talking, sounds like you're off to a great start now that you've opened up emotionally and he's beginning to open up too. I think you should consider that even though you've both been dealing with this for 2 years, you're just now starting to actually deal with it together. Baby steps.

Also, don't be confused by the back and forth... from my perspective nobody here is judging. I think everyone wants you to be happy in the end and wants you to do what's best for your family.

However, that doesn't mean people shouldn't be critical of every aspect of this thing... it's complicated, it's incredibly sensitive, and it's also of enormous importance. Something this big, this messy, definitely needs some critical perspectives to avoid a spiral of 'yes'ing you into a bad decision. Again, that's something a good therapist will do for you.

Frankly, I think that's exactly what you need and I think you're probably well on your way. If he's talking about opening up the marriage, my guess is that's a desperation move. He's super embarrassed about his condition so in his mind, letting you have sex with other people allows him to hide himself while keeping you as his wife. He thinks he can eat is cake and have it too.

Having a little experience with that sorta thing, I can tell you, it's likely to end in disaster if you pursue that avenue. IMHO, the only people who should ever even consider that sort of thing should have a foundation made of diamonds AND be in a good place while any of it is happening. Even then, it blows up on a lot of people. Communication has to be totally open and honest, and you've just barely broken the ice.

Seems like the more you talk, the better things get. As I said before, expect setbacks, but your focus should be on counselling. Maybe don't push it, but always have it as an option in the conversation. Take the extreme things like sex outside of your marriage off the table for now - tell him so, but encourage more convos, more connections between the two of you, and sprinkle in 'talk to a professional' here and there. Sounds like he may eventually come around... how that timeline jives with your own personal happiness and patience is up to you.

and I left your "hyperbole" in - but I suggest you still go back through the posts and check how it matches up

Basically all but one are trying to encourage communication as a priority.

I haven't seen a single person not encouraging communication. Again, I think you're reading into things based on your personal experience in a way that isn't fair to someone offering some legitimate counterpoints.

 

[CandK_inSE]

Seems like you're reading a lot more into things than I was, or maybe its the other way around...

I read it more as a counter perspective to the ongoing narrative from everyone on here that shes done everything in her power, he's pure villain, and divorce is awesome. (That's hyperbole btw)

I'm happily married and we've had our fair share of rough patches. Big ones, little ones, very big ones... and everything in his post hit home cause I've been there. Wife has been there. We've had several conversations where either one of us were feeling just like PD describes. For example, I've thought about what the realities of being a single middle aged man would be like and it doesn't sound fun... even though I'm at a place where I'm much more attractive to women than I've ever been in my entire life.

Glad you came out of your divorce much better on the other side. Glad your friends have too. My experience is different. My friends experiences are different. I don't know any happier now divorced people. I don't know any families that are better off divorced because of it. I know a lot of people who claim they're happier and better off, but who are so obviously miserable its hard to be around them. I know people who've cheapened themselves so much in terms of their own personal value that they've devolved into sad attempts at being 21 again as a way to cope with their loss. I know people who's kids fell off hard after the divorce- grades, behavior, etc. Of course, I know some kids who took it in stride and it wasn't a big deal - age seems to be the biggest factor here.

Neither of our experiences is Bible and neither of us should filter our opinions and advice through others perfectly reasonable responses simply because they differ from ours.

For a little anecdote... I know a couple who split two years ago. I don't know the details on why as I met them right before it happened and still aren't really close enough to pry. From what I've pieced together, she was somehow unsatisfied. She bailed, started living her new life, and over the last couple of years found out it the grass wasn't greener. Their kids, 7 & 9, started getting in trouble and fell behind in school. One had to be held back a year and both were good students prior. It never got too ugly with them in front of the kids or anything and they maintain joint custody. Divorce was a year in and now he's moved on and she's trying to get back with him to put the family together. Its ugly stuff.

Again, it doesn't have to be that way... but in my experience it is, a lot of the time. YMMV and the fear of an uncertain future is no excuse to stay in an incredibly miserable situation... BUT... we shouldn't just assume one viewpoint is automatically verboten because it strikes a chord with us personally. Considering the husband's perspective and the realities of her personal circumstance depending on any path she takes is solid advice. Assuming the worst out of someone who's being quite reasonable isn't helpful.

Again though... I could be reading all of this wrong...

If you were thinking that me and my wife's responses were pushing divorce as a wonderful answer to this situation, you thought incorrectly.

The ONLY reason my wife mentioned it was because if the situation became completely untenable, in her thoughts, divorce is better than cheating. That's it. When I was having my struggles, I made the suggestion to my wife that she could go outside the marriage to find something I wasn't able to give her fully. She was completely opposed to it, and shocked I even brought it up. Maybe if I wasn't trying to satisfy her sexually in other ways, it would have been different, Just throwing that out there.

We haven't really heard the husband's perspective here. Coming from me, who was TWENTY SEVEN before I lost my virginity, and who had the grand total of ZERO dates in high school and college, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND how a man who is married does not want to attempt to fix his problem. It just doesn't make any kind of sense to me.

As for middle aged women being happier? It probably depends on the woman and the marriage they were in.

I dated three divorced women in their 30's before I met my wife, and all three have completely different stories.

The first one had an absolute asshole for a husband, and it didn't help that she was a bit of an airhead. She was great in bed, but not much with anything else. She ended up cheating on me with a prior boyfriend, then still wanted me to fuck her when she came back to visit her parents. Uh, NO!

Second one was just out of the year separation requirement in NC, after a ten year marriage that lacked intimacy. She broke up with me because in her words, I was TOO GOOD in bed and treated her like I loved her, rather than treating her like the slut she wanted to be. She wanted to sow some wild oats rather than get into another relationship, and she was afraid she was falling in love with me. That was actually good because I didn't have those feelings.

The third one was the only one I could say was truly happy with being divorced and the only other woman I truly loved other than my wife. She was fun to be around, no drama, becoming adventurous in the bedroom, and just an all around great girl. Unfortunately, job and family took her back to Ohio.

Just saying to put all divorced women in a box and stereotype them is really shortsighted. If I only dated the first one, I could say they're all fucked in the head. Only the second, they're all sluts. See what I mean?

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

If you were thinking that me and my wife's responses were pushing divorce as a wonderful answer to this situation, you thought incorrectly.

I didn't and I'm sorry if it came off that way.

Just saying to put all divorced women in a box and stereotype them is really shortsighted. If I only dated the first one, I could say they're all fucked in the head. Only the second, they're all sluts. See what I mean?

I'm not. I'm doing exactly what you're suggesting and trying to defend an alternative perspective.

Based on the comments so far, everyone who's gotten divorced is super happy and their lives are infinitely better. PD offered a different perspective, something else to consider. And, he was attacked personally for it.

That's all. Just putting it out there that his perspective may not be a fun one, but it's something worth considering as he did acknowledge some very real things that may have been overlooked. Or maybe they've totally been considered and just haven't been a part of the convo. Either way, the perspective is as valid as any other.

I think we're agreeing more than you initially thought. Your anecdotes are very important to consider. IMHO, there is no easy path or guaranteed pot of gold at the end of the rainbow no matter what. Either path is going to be arduous... and may take a LONG time to find that pot of gold. Thus is life.

 

[KristainSC]

I didn't and I'm sorry if it came off that way.



I'm not. I'm doing exactly what you're suggesting and trying to defend an alternative perspective.

Based on the comments so far, everyone who's gotten divorced is super happy and their lives are infinitely better. PD offered a different perspective, something else to consider. And, he was attacked personally for it.

That's all. Just putting it out there that his perspective may not be a fun one, but it's something worth considering as he did acknowledge some very real things that may have been overlooked. Or maybe they've totally been considered and just haven't been a part of the convo. Either way, the perspective is as valid as any other.

I think we're agreeing more than you initially thought. Your anecdotes are very important to consider. IMHO, there is no easy path or guaranteed pot of gold at the end of the rainbow no matter what. Either path is going to be arduous... and may take a LONG time to find that pot of gold. Thus is life.

I value all of your replies and it makes me smile to know so many are willing to lend their ear and experience!

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

I value all of your replies and it makes me smile to know so many are willing to lend their ear and experience!

Hopefully that balances with all the creepers who blew up your inbox when you posted this thread... lol

I'm just assuming based on my experience here so far... might be well off base.

 

[KristainSC]

Hopefully that balances with all the creepers who blew up your inbox when you posted this thread... lol

I'm just assuming based on my experience here so far... might be well off base.

Unfortunately very true lol

 

[Bramblethorn]

We had another, very long, conversation last night (was up until about 2am). He was much calmer and actually tried viewing things from my side for the first time. Which is something I have been doing with him for years. He put a lot of things on the table, was very raw with them and wants me to consider some of them (like potentially opening our marriage). That shocked me and I am still processing that. I never expected him to put that out there.

Well, that's major progress.

FWIW, I've been in open/poly/non-monogamous relationships most of my life, and I've seen open marriages work as a solution to sexual incompatibility. Just a note of caution that if you do go that route, this is something where you really want to do the groundwork first. All that 'being able to talk to one another and work together to fix things when they break' business I mentioned in my previous post is even more important in non-monogamous relationships.

Both of you need to be really sure that this is something he can live with - I've known people who proposed open relationships in desperation, even though they hated the idea, because they couldn't bear the thought of losing the relationship and it was the only way they could see to save it. That doesn't end well. If you go that road, go with the expectation that there will be potholes along the way, and make sure you and he are agreed on how you'll respond when you hit those potholes.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Unfortunately very true lol

LOL.. yeah, throw 'swinger' in your profile and make your pic your wife's ass and well, let's just say I've gotten some attention.

Figured it'd be the same with your OP.

I can't imagine what the people who post a bunch of pics and whatnot deal with. Though, I'd guess they sorta know that going in and maybe even are seeking it in many cases.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Well, that's major progress.

FWIW, I've been in open/poly/non-monogamous relationships most of my life, and I've seen open marriages work as a solution to sexual incompatibility. Just a note of caution that if you do go that route, this is something where you really want to do the groundwork first. All that 'being able to talk to one another and work together to fix things when they break' business I mentioned in my previous post is even more important in non-monogamous relationships.

Both of you need to be really sure that this is something he can live with - I've known people who proposed open relationships in desperation, even though they hated the idea, because they couldn't bear the thought of losing the relationship and it was the only way they could see to save it. That doesn't end well. If you go that road, go with the expectation that there will be potholes along the way, and make sure you and he are agreed on how you'll respond when you hit those potholes.

100!

And, let me add, I've known people who've proposed opening things up when things were going great, not even fully, then immediately regretted it and the whole thing blew up in their face.

We were friends with a couple and her and my wife got a little frisky one time. Everybody was into it, other dude was really encouraging it. Things went all the way with the girls and us guys just watched. Later, he freaked out and got super jealous of my wife and it cause them a lot of problems. They worked through them and split years later because of other factors, but any sort of sex outside of the original dynamics of the marriage is playing with fire.

Of course, for many of us, it's nice to warm your toes and other parts from time to time.

 

[CandK_inSE]

LOL.. yeah, throw 'swinger' in your profile and make your pic your wife's ass and well, let's just say I've gotten some attention.

Figured it'd be the same with your OP.

I can't imagine what the people who post a bunch of pics and whatnot deal with. Though, I'd guess they sorta know that going in and maybe even are seeking it in many cases.

Yeah. My wife has posted on this account maybe 5-10 times, and we've gotten some ridiculous PMs. Some people are really cool and I enjoy PMs with them. A few were just trolls and have to imagine they've never talked to a female in real life.

 

[NightL]

Like I always say, a differing opinion always brings out the trolls.

your concept of a troll is intriguing - you seek an audience yet demand instant silence of any dissent, even before argument offered with reason - is that what happened in your marriage?

no smoke this time - just the mirror

 

[CandK_inSE]

Well, that's major progress.

FWIW, I've been in open/poly/non-monogamous relationships most of my life, and I've seen open marriages work as a solution to sexual incompatibility. Just a note of caution that if you do go that route, this is something where you really want to do the groundwork first. All that 'being able to talk to one another and work together to fix things when they break' business I mentioned in my previous post is even more important in non-monogamous relationships.

Both of you need to be really sure that this is something he can live with - I've known people who proposed open relationships in desperation, even though they hated the idea, because they couldn't bear the thought of losing the relationship and it was the only way they could see to save it. That doesn't end well. If you go that road, go with the expectation that there will be potholes along the way, and make sure you and he are agreed on how you'll respond when you hit those potholes.

Completely agree.

Neither me or my wife have been in any of those types of relationships.

When I made the suggestion to my wife about finding what I couldn't give her at the time, she got a bit upset. It wasn't that I was telling her to, it was more in my mind of letting her get what I thought she was needing and missing.

It was basically, "I thought you needed cock".

She said, "I need YOUR cock."

"I know, but, it doesn't work right all that much."

"Well, you have your mouth, you have your fingers, we have tons of toys. Fuck me with what you have. We will make this work. Random cock isn't going to satisfy me. It would confuse everything."

When she put it that way, as much desire I had to fix the problem, I even got more. We got lucky that my ED was being caused by an unrelated problem. When that got fixed, the ED was fixed.

It has led to a very satisfying and extremely hot sex life, thanks to my wife doing everything she did to try to get me to "work", she ended up liking to do it, and she's become very uninhibited.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Hopefully that balances with all the creepers who blew up your inbox when you posted this thread... lol

I'm just assuming based on my experience here so far... might be well off base.

The worst PMs come from lurkers and creeps who spam PM anyone with a female sounding name from the currently online list. Changing your settings to use invisible mode eliminates those. (You can find that in your user cp, if interested: user cp- edit options - use invisible mode).

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

The worst PMs come from lurkers and creeps who spam PM anyone with a female sounding name from the currently online list. Changing your settings to use invisible mode eliminates those. (You can find that in your user cp, if interested: user cp- edit options - use invisible mode).

My personal favorite was the one who used my story feedback post to ask questions about where the next part of the story was going, then turned quite abruptly to asking about my wife fucking other guys. Loving Wives brings out the best in people lol

 

[ToPleaseHim]

My personal favorite was the one who used my story feedback post to ask questions about where the next part of the story was going, then turned quite abruptly to asking about my wife fucking other guys. Loving Wives brings out the best in people lol

Loving Wives brings the most chaotic reviews! Folks get MAD or apparently PM for more, lol.

 

[naughtymind]

I so appreciate everyone’s replies and don’t like to see people arguing with one another. However, the passionate, thoughtful responses are interesting and helpful.

We had another, very long, conversation last night (was up until about 2am). He was much calmer and actually tried viewing things from my side for the first time. Which is something I have been doing with him for years. He put a lot of things on the table, was very raw with them and wants me to consider some of them (like potentially opening our marriage). That shocked me and I am still processing that. I never expected him to put that out there.

Please, no judging. I do feel that some projections have been made about by some responses and I appreciate those defending me.

I suppose we are all reading your situation with our own set of filters, suspicions, and presumptions to varying degrees. I will say that it is VERY encouraging that you two are still talking, and that the conversations are trending in a positive direction rather than spiraling into more yelling and fighting. It would suggest that you are both coming to see the others perspectives and appreciate them more. I definitely still read that he sounded like he was responding with anger from a defensive place, and that is somewhat understandable given what you've shared.

I also still feel pretty strongly that he will need to get over his unwillingness (fear?) to accept help from counseling. An unwillingness to seek out help, when it is needed, is the same as not being able to recognize and admit that there is a problem. I also suggest, again, that you would benefit from finding your own counseling sooner than later; with, or without him. I don't envy what your are facing, and while I don't approve or agree with how your husband is handling things, I also feel substantial sympathy for him and his situation. It sounds like you do as well, hopefully he can hear/feel that clearly too.

 

[KristainSC]

I suppose we are all reading your situation with our own set of filters, suspicions, and presumptions to varying degrees. I will say that it is VERY encouraging that you two are still talking, and that the conversations are trending in a positive direction rather than spiraling into more yelling and fighting. It would suggest that you are both coming to see the others perspectives and appreciate them more. I definitely still read that he sounded like he was responding with anger from a defensive place, and that is somewhat understandable given what you've shared.

I also still feel pretty strongly that he will need to get over his unwillingness (fear?) to accept help from counseling. An unwillingness to seek out help, when it is needed, is the same as not being able to recognize and admit that there is a problem. I also suggest, again, that you would benefit from finding your own counseling sooner than later; with, or without him. I don't envy what your are facing, and while I don't approve or agree with how your husband is handling things, I also feel substantial sympathy for him and his situation. It sounds like you do as well, hopefully he can hear/feel that clearly too.

I did reach out to a counselor yesterday to set an appointment. My husband will not be joining me as he is still closed off to that but I do need this for myself.

 

[naughtymind]

I did reach out to a counselor yesterday to set an appointment. My husband will not be joining me as he is still closed off to that but I do need this for myself.

Good for you! It's too bad that he isn't comfortable joining you, or isn't ready to; but it's really a good step for you to get some support. It is a sign of strength to know when to ask for help, and a sign of insecurity to not be willing to accept help when it is needed. Hopefully he may come around a bit, but be prepared that there is a good chance he won't.
Good luck, and be sure to take extra good care of yourself in every other way that you can right now: reaching out to others, eating and sleeping well, getting outside and getting exercise, doing the things that make you happy, etc.