Simple Sexy Skills for the Erotica Writer

[chronicle_tenko]

I like the critiques. But I am usually in the rare, as I take it well. I always wish to improve, and I know that sometimes, I need to.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

I also like critiques, from as many people as possible.
Maybe when posting, the person could say if a critique was desired?

 

[EzraPound]

As I am sharing a thread with Shy ..I will tell every one now ..she is possibly one of the best writers in LIT...I would be honored for her to offer a critique' of my writing.. like having Davinci looking over your crayon scribbles...

 

[ShyMystica]

I like the critiques. But I am usually in the rare, as I take it well. I always wish to improve, and I know that sometimes, I need to.

I too like them, when there is no over harmful intentions. I fear I may have hurt someone's feelings, and that certainly wasn't the case. So I am sorry if I have.

I also like critiques, from as many people as possible.
Maybe when posting, the person could say if a critique was desired?

Yes, great idea Vail!

If you do want the work you post to be commented on by others, please leave a note at the end of your post. Thank you

As I am sharing a thread with Shy ..I will tell every one now ..she is possibly one of the best writers in LIT...I would be honored for her to offer a critique' of my writing.. like having Davinci looking over your crayon scribbles...

Lies! Don't believe him, he has a nasty case of being over-dramatically nice! *giggles and pokes Ezra playfully in the stomach*

 

[yeishia]

I shall remove my post if you like, it was never my intent to cause drama here, or to have people jump to your defense.

It was a simple question, not offered as a criticism, we have never met.

There are a lot of wonderful writers on the board and alas I am not amongst them as I am sure Ezra can attest to, as he has written with me in a couple of fluff threads.

I am simply too shy, to post and have mine publicly critiqued, I do however, want to learn. I like CT, love to be critiqued, but not in public and not on this board, in general it is rarely kind.

The comments you have made however, been constructive and insightful thus far I thank you. I would welcome your comments in private, if you really have the time, it is always nice to know a fellow teacher.

 

[ShyMystica]

I shall remove my post if you like, it was never my intent to cause drama here, or to have people jump to your defense.

It was a simple question, not offered as a criticism, we have never met.

There are a lot of wonderful writers on the board and alas I am not amongst them as I am sure Ezra can attest to, as he has written with me in a couple of fluff threads.

I am simply too shy, to post and have mine publicly critiqued, I do however, want to learn. I like CT, love to be critiqued, but not in public and not on this board, in general it is rarely kind.

The comments you have made however, been constructive and insightful thus far I thank you. I would welcome your comments in private, if you really have the time, it is always nice to know a fellow teacher.

Oh Yeishia, please don't apologise. You didn't cause any drama at all. I hadn't thought about people not wanting my opinion, so you opened my eyes. That is a good thing!

And of course I am willing to critique you privately, if that is what you wish. But please do not doubt your abilities. We all have very different styles of writing, and sometimes the skills are easier to master than others. Oh how I envy people who can pick up skills so easily *giggles*. So please don't be so harsh on yourself?

 

[monique_minx]

Yeishia you silly woman! What on earth am I going to do with you?

Actually, I would say you write like Dan Brown really, you have that kind of structure and description to what you write. It's really a sensual delivery, every iota is like eating cotton candy because it's so dreamy. I love reading your work, it's divine!

So stop putting yourself down my Psyche!

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

This is a good idea. There are people like me who hated lit class with a bloody passion, but started writing out of a need. For me writing is one of the few ways I am able to vent emotion that I otherwise struggle to release. So my sentence structure, and usage of punctuation makes my RP posts look more like a serial killers ransom notes

I have picked up a few things here and there, but lit was a new ground for me. I had never done lots of sexually oriented RP until I joined, and my first attempt at writing on lit went totally ignored on the regular RP boards :O

Anyway, rambling now. So here goes. Please, not the face

Random word: Shimmer
Flower: Violet
Emotion: Anxiety

1. The sun shimmered in the sky despite the roiling clouds that devoured the warmth released. The first droplet fell and kissed the field of violets below, like an anxious lover awaiting her mates return.
2. Tears shimmered within her gazed; refusing to be separated from the dark brown pools. The rush of air was all the warning she received before taunt leather kissed crimson flesh. Her body shuddered with an anxious cry as his greedy stare devoured his mark. He released a soft, wicked chuckle as crimson was streaked with violet flecks.
3. Spots shimmered before his eyes as the next blow rocked his jaw and snapped his head back. The visceral scream of tendons, bone, and flesh was enough to jar anxiety free and replace it with the will to survive. He stood like a drunkard as the ugly violet bruise gave way to crimson ichor beneath.


So I tried to keep this as short as possible, but I tend to get wordy. I found it flowed better if I didn't try to restrict it to one sentence. Anyway, feel free to comment. I left my ego in my other pants.

A quick side note that I found worked very well for me. Find someone who writes better than you do. Figure out what it is about their writing that draws you and try to incorporate some small part of it into a few of your own projects. This is a great way to expand boundaries, creative thought, and vocabulary

 

[ShyMystica]

I wanted to briefly mention and address some fears some people may have that will prevent them from posting here. Fear and trepidation about posting in such a thread is normal and common. Writing is one of the hardest industries to be in, be it professional or recreational, as you are putting your very heart and soul out for the entire world to see. The idea of someone finding faults and slamming you with harmful words on something that is so close to your heart is terrifying! Trust me, I know! But I can also say that once I took the step and overcame that, my eyes have been opened to the possibilities that my work can become.

So, to combat some fears and to put some minds at ease I have put up a simple set of ground rules for critiquing in this forum. I expect everyone to adhere to it, as I want this forum to remain open for creative minds to feel comfortable and explore, and not left to feel attacked, violated and terrified to return.

Critiquing Ground Rules

Don't ask for advice if you don't really want it
Don't offer advice unless it is stated at the end of a post that it is wanted
Don't take advice as a personal insult
Always be positive and constructive
Mention the things you like as well as the ones that could be worked on
Remember - The final decision and opinion that really matters is yours!​

 

[ShyMystica]

And you asked not to be the school teacher lol! So my only comment on your work would be in your second sentence because I would have put 'stony' where you put 'stone'.

It just gives more emotion to me as a reader I think. Not sure how to explain it really. And I'd probably put 'rose coloured blood' as well (I think I'm obsessed with saying everything is 'coloured' though - refer to my own sentences). Lol!

But I loved your sentences! There's something so sensual and reaching about them that I just don't see in what I write.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to this, Minxy. Thank you. *giggles* I too have an obsession with the word 'coloured' so I deliberately chose not to put it in! LMAO! But you are right, so thank you for your little changes and your kind words. Though, I disagree. Your writing also holds a beautiful sensuality, you just can't see it because you write it.

Thank you. And yes, I too struggled with finding the right "flow" of the 2nd sentence - I like how you fixed it.

You are more than welcome Miss Sixxy. I have often found myself staring intently at my computer in hopes that the sentence before me suddenly morphs into what I wish it to be. That is what I find so refreshing about a new set of eyes to go over it. I am glad you liked how I altered it

 

[ShyMystica]

Random word: Shimmer
Flower: Violet
Emotion: Anxiety

1. The sun shimmered in the sky despite the roiling clouds that devoured the warmth released. The first droplet fell and kissed the field of violets below, like an anxious lover awaiting her mates return.
2. Tears shimmered within her gazed; refusing to be separated from the dark brown pools. The rush of air was all the warning she received before taunt leather kissed crimson flesh. Her body shuddered with an anxious cry as his greedy stare devoured his mark. He released a soft, wicked chuckle as crimson was streaked with violet flecks.
3. Spots shimmered before his eyes as the next blow rocked his jaw and snapped his head back. The visceral scream of tendons, bone, and flesh was enough to jar anxiety free and replace it with the will to survive. He stood like a drunkard as the ugly violet bruise gave way to crimson ichor beneath.

So I tried to keep this as short as possible, but I tend to get wordy. I found it flowed better if I didn't try to restrict it to one sentence. Anyway, feel free to comment. I left my ego in my other pants.

Thank you Firmhanded_Daddy for posting! Your sentences, despite their length, are very moving and ooze with imagery. But, like me, it seems you also seem to struggle with too much description, which is why you may have found it hard to condense it all into one sentence.

So, here is a little 'reminder' for writing sentences for those, like me, who struggle with too much description/wordiness.

As readers we usually remember the first and last parts of the sentence, and the middle just kind of fades away. As such, the beginning and the end are the best places to put your most important information and most powerful descriptions. If a sentence is too long, as a reader, you quickly lose interest and often forget or overlook what the entire sentence was about. Which is why it is better to have a series of short, powerful, direct sentences than one long sentence. This is why this particular exercise was designed to create 1 sentence so you can train yourself to create very powerful sentences that hold no 'baggage'.

So, this what I do to try and combat my over descriptiveness with my writing.

1. Write and let your mind run wild. Write everything that you wish to express with no limitations. Let it flow from your brain, despite how choppy and inconsistent the ideas become. Just get it all out and onto the paper/screen.

2. Look at your sentence or mass of jumbled words and decide how useful each word is. Does it really convey the meaning you intend? Is it necessary? Does it evoke the emotion you are wanting to draw from your reader? Can it wait until the next sentence? Can you condense any words into something more simpler? For example: 'due to the fact that = because', 'in order to = to', 'disappear from sight = disappear'.

3. Decide which words are the most important part of the sentence and place them at the beginning or end of the sentence. Then, link in a flowing manner so it becomes easy to read. This can be done in several ways, but we will address this in a different exercise later.

Ok, so back to Firmhanded_Daddy's sentences. I loved your first sentences the most, so I will work with those.

Like an anxious lover awaiting her mates return, the first droplet fell from the rolling clouds that hid the shimmering sun to kiss the field of violets below.

For me the most important parts were the beautiful description of the anxious lover and the kiss of the droplet to the violets. The description of the sky was the least important, so I placed it in the middle. Since you had the sky description in the beginning, to me it felt like you were stealing the impact your more beautiful wording held. I then took out words that I felt could wait or were unnecessary and now the beautiful phrase Firmhanded_Daddy posted has now become a short, punchy, descriptive sentence that is also memorable since it has been shortened.

What do you think? Or have I destroyed what you were trying to achieve? I am so sorry if I have.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Dinosaurs, poppy, love



Each poppy turned her thoughts to Flanders, and to her love, lost to the mechanical dinosaurs of the Great War.


Love soars as if lost in the dizzying sensuality of poppy-induced dreams and then falls, as earth-bound as the fossils of extinct dinosaurs.


The other dinosaurs shunned him for his love of poppy-flowers over fresh meat.

 

[yeishia]

Thank you Minx *runs to see who Dan Brown is* and Shy Mystica.

FD had a point, I do not have much of an ego and so prefer to keep it in my own small pocket as a rule *giggles * However, as I am in such good company I too shall leave it at the door. I really want to improve my craft, I have no wish to change my style, however within that frame work, I do need a lot of help to improve.

As you will see I also have issues with being to wordy.

* Closes her eyes and jumps*


Random Word: Incessant
Flower: Magnolia
Emotion: Fear

The warm breeze on her naked breasts, the incessant beating of the tribal drums, the scent of Magnolia blossoms and her fear, were like a potent drug to her newly awakened senses.

Susan listened intently, nothing could be heard, just the incessant tap, tap taping of water dripping somewhere unseen within the frigid room, the magnolia undertones of the perfume she wore, were a sensual backdrop to her own icy fear, a lifeline she desperately held on to.

Her fear was that the dying Magnolia Tree would represent the end of an era; its incessant decline had paralleled the slow decay of her own worthless life, yet she was loath to cut it down, for that would represent her own failure, wouldn’t it?

Shy Mystica please critique me here, it occurred to me as I am learning by your critique of others, they to will learn from your critique of my work perhaps

 

[monique_minx]

*giggles and whispers to Yeishia*

Dan Brown is the author of the Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, The Lost Symbol, Deception Point and Digital Fortress. I am utterly devoted to his every word, I read everything he writes and those are all of his books - all of which I have read.

 

[yeishia]

.
*whispers back embarrassed * I own and have read, the first two mentioned books, *blushes* oops thankyou for the extreme compliment Minx

 

[Last_Rider]

yeishia, I love your work, you're very talented and I'm also very grateful you decided to write with me.

Third attempt.

Random word: Lurk

Flower: Marigold

Emotion: Excited

1.

She had to keep her excitement in check, it was free to lurk in the recesses of her mind; that was carefully hidden behind her thick marigold colored locks of hair.

2.

He had been so careful to keep the thoughts that lurked in his mind from her, she couldn't know before hand his plans as they walked hand in hand beside the marigolds, his excitement growing with every step.

3.

He couldn't forget the first time he saw her, she'd been so excited flower shopping, smelling the marigolds when his lurking eyes had first been blessed by seeing her, and now he was beyond excited to actually be speaking with her.

 

[Daydream_weaver]

I hesitated to join this thread because I have never been good with writing exercises. My mind goes blank. Once I decided, however, I asked my children for a random word. I also told them to keep it clean...*sigh* Smart-arses. Then my daughter gave me the emotion of fear because she said she fears for my sanity. I could explain and put them at ease…but let them wonder.



Random word: soap
Flower: lilac
Random emotion: fear

1: She relaxed beneath the sting of hot water, her fear washed away by the lilac scented soap bubbles covering her body.

2: Her cup slipped from her fingers as if wet and soapy and she stared in fear at the sprigs of lilacs strewn across her bed.

3: Lilacs are lovely, but I fear I deserve this for using soap as my random word.


Critiques are more than welcome. I want to learn to write well.

 

[ShyMystica]

Dinosaurs, poppy, love



Each poppy turned her thoughts to Flanders, and to her love, lost to the mechanical dinosaurs of the Great War.


Love soars as if lost in the dizzying sensuality of poppy-induced dreams and then falls, as earth-bound as the fossils of extinct dinosaurs.


The other dinosaurs shunned him for his love of poppy-flowers over fresh meat.

Thank you so much for posting Tio_Narratore. Hard random word to use, but you seemed to have pulled it off! I will not critique, however, as you have not stated whether or not your post is open to do so. Please return and enjoy working with us

 

[ShyMystica]

Random Word: Incessant
Flower: Magnolia
Emotion: Fear

The warm breeze on her naked breasts, the incessant beating of the tribal drums, the scent of Magnolia blossoms and her fear, were like a potent drug to her newly awakened senses.

Susan listened intently, nothing could be heard, just the incessant tap, tap taping of water dripping somewhere unseen within the frigid room, the magnolia undertones of the perfume she wore, were a sensual backdrop to her own icy fear, a lifeline she desperately held on to.

Her fear was that the dying Magnolia Tree would represent the end of an era; its incessant decline had paralleled the slow decay of her own worthless life, yet she was loath to cut it down, for that would represent her own failure, wouldn’t it?

Shy Mystica please critique me here, it occurred to me as I am learning by your critique of others, they to will learn from your critique of my work perhaps

Yeishia, I am so proud of you. I am ecstatic that you took that leap and posted here. You should be so happy and proud as that is a big step to take when you are so shy about your work. Trust me, I am that shy about my work so I know how big of a step that is to take.

My first thoughts are that you have nothing to be shy about. Like all the others who have posted, you are naturally gifted at creating beautiful imagery and that you are very clever with the words you use. So, no more doubting yourself, Missy It was your second sentence that caught my attention as your first and last one were beautiful.

Personally, while you wrote some amazing descriptive phrases, the length of the sentence stole the impact it could have. And the amount of commas made it a little choppy.

Susan listened intently yet nothing could be heard as she desperately clung to the fear that had become her lifeline; the incessant tap, tap taping of water dripping somewhere unseen and the magnolia undertones of her perfume were merely a sensual backdrop to the icy fear.

For me, the most important part of the sentence was her fear, so I wanted to establish that first (moving your last set of words to the beginning). Placing it at the end seemed to diminish its importance. But perhaps that is just me.

I also liked the idea of making the fear an inanimate force that she couldn't control rather than a fear she owned as you had originally put it, in order to give the fear a sense of power that she couldn't control (give more impact to your beautiful first phrase). Which is why I put 'the icy fear' instead of 'her icy fear'. The simple wording changes the entire demeanor of the fear. I also took out some words that I thought were not needed as I thought they could be sacrificed in order to make the sentence flow more smoothly.

What do you think of the changes? Keep in mind that my opinion is not the gospel. I am learning too, these are just my humble thoughts.

Those were just editorial changes to enforce the beautiful phrases you already created to give them the impact and power they deserve. You writing is beautiful, Yeishia, so please don't ever doubt your natural skill?

 

[ShyMystica]

Third attempt.

Random word: Lurk

Flower: Marigold

Emotion: Excited

1. She had to keep her excitement in check, it was free to lurk in the recesses of her mind; that was carefully hidden behind her thick marigold colored locks of hair.

2. He had been so careful to keep the thoughts that lurked in his mind from her, she couldn't know before hand his plans as they walked hand in hand beside the marigolds, his excitement growing with every step.

3. He couldn't forget the first time he saw her, she'd been so excited flower shopping, smelling the marigolds when his lurking eyes had first been blessed by seeing her, and now he was beyond excited to actually be speaking with her.

I feel you are becoming more confident as you continue Last_Rider! It definitely shows! But I am not sure if you want me to comment as you haven't stated in your post whether it is open or not. But I shall offer you a little challenge. The next time you write your three sentences, try and use as little words as possible. I look forward to see what you come up with

 

[ShyMystica]

Random word: soap
Flower: lilac
Random emotion: fear

1: She relaxed beneath the sting of hot water, her fear washed away by the lilac scented soap bubbles covering her body.

2: Her cup slipped from her fingers as if wet and soapy and she stared in fear at the sprigs of lilacs strewn across her bed.

3: Lilacs are lovely, but I fear I deserve this for using soap as my random word.


Critiques are more than welcome. I want to learn to write well.

I am so glad you did post, Day. And your kids sound as delightful and cheeky as you! *giggles* Believe it or not, I think soap was actually a very hard word to have since it can be so limiting, as you seemed to have discovered from the looks of your third sentence .

I like how your sentences do not lack imagery yet remain punchy and short as to not confuse or overwhelm the reader. Your first sentence was perfect! I loved it! It was filled with simple imagery and free of wording 'baggage'. It is your second sentence that I feel you aren't giving justice to. You have beautifully described the paralysing effects of a fear directed at a lovely image you created (the lilacs upon the bed), but the sentence structure is taking away the impact.

She stared in fear at the sprigs of lilacs strewn across her bed, her cup slipped from her fingers as if slick with soap to smash heavily upon the floor.

Like Yeishia, fear is the most important part of the sentence, so I put that first. All other actions are secondary and a result of that fear. I changed the word 'wet' to 'slick' as I like the alliteration (both slick and soap have the same sound of 's', which makes it flow nicely) But since I did move your phrases around, it no longer sounded complete, so I did add how the cup finished to make the sentence feel complete but to also accentuate how damaging that fear is.

What do you think? Or have I destroyed what you wanted to achieve? I certainly hope not

 

[Daydream_weaver]

I am so glad you did post, Day. And your kids sound as delightful and cheeky as you! *giggles* Believe it or not, I think soap was actually a very hard word to have since it can be so limiting, as you seemed to have discovered from the looks of your third sentence .

I like how your sentences do not lack imagery yet remain punchy and short as to not confuse or overwhelm the reader. Your first sentence was perfect! I loved it! It was filled with simple imagery and free of wording 'baggage'. It is your second sentence that I feel you aren't giving justice to. You have beautifully described the paralysing effects of a fear directed at a lovely image you created (the lilacs upon the bed), but the sentence structure is taking away the impact.

She stared in fear at the sprigs of lilacs strewn across her bed, her cup slipped from her fingers as if slick with soap to smash heavily upon the floor.

Like Yeishia, fear is the most important part of the sentence, so I put that first. All other actions are secondary and a result of that fear. I changed the word 'wet' to 'slick' as I like the alliteration (both slick and soap have the same sound of 's', which makes it flow nicely) But since I did move your phrases around, it no longer sounded complete, so I did add how the cup finished to make the sentence feel complete but to also accentuate how damaging that fear is.

What do you think? Or have I destroyed what you wanted to achieve? I certainly hope not

Not at all, I like the way you redid it. That was the sentence I disliked the most of my three. I didn't want to be too wordy and I just couldn't get it to sound the way I wanted. Putting fear first, as the main focus, makes the sentence. I will try to remember that trick. Thank you, Shy *smiles*

 

[ShyMystica]

One easy way to get rid of wording baggage is to scan your sentence for tautologies. 'What the hell is a tautology?' I hear you say. Well, a tautology is the unnecessary repetition in meaning within a sentence. or even between two words. Tautologies are quite common in everyday speech, so we don't really pick up on them easily. But once you are aware of them, you find them everywhere! *giggles*

Example of a tautology:
He delivered the letter himself personally. The word personally is not needed because it means the same thing as himself.

Here are some common examples of tautologies:

• absolute perfection
• added bonus
• close proximity
• completely empty
• dates back from
• early hours
• few in number
• final settlement
• fresh beginning
• full satisfaction

I could go on, but you see where I am going. This is why I didn't use Day's 'soap bubbles' as to me, they are saying the same thing.

If you can think of any tautologies, or know of any that just agitate you, post them! You will honestly be surprised at how many you can find in everyday speech.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Thank you so much for posting Tio_Narratore. Hard random word to use, but you seemed to have pulled it off! I will not critique, however, as you have not stated whether or not your post is open to do so. Please return and enjoy working with us

Thank you, Mystica. Had I not wanted a critique, I would not have posted. Please do let me know your thoughts on my efforts.

 

[yeishia]

Yeishia, I am so proud of you. I am ecstatic that you took that leap and posted here. You should be so happy and proud as that is a big step to take when you are so shy about your work. Trust me, I am that shy about my work so I know how big of a step that is to take.

My first thoughts are that you have nothing to be shy about. Like all the others who have posted, you are naturally gifted at creating beautiful imagery and that you are very clever with the words you use. So, no more doubting yourself, Missy It was your second sentence that caught my attention as your first and last one were beautiful.

Personally, while you wrote some amazing descriptive phrases, the length of the sentence stole the impact it could have. And the amount of commas made it a little choppy.

Susan listened intently yet nothing could be heard as she desperately clung to the fear that had become her lifeline; the incessant tap, tap taping of water dripping somewhere unseen and the magnolia undertones of her perfume were merely a sensual backdrop to the icy fear.

For me, the most important part of the sentence was her fear, so I wanted to establish that first (moving your last set of words to the beginning). Placing it at the end seemed to diminish its importance. But perhaps that is just me.

I also liked the idea of making the fear an inanimate force that she couldn't control rather than a fear she owned as you had originally put it, in order to give the fear a sense of power that she couldn't control (give more impact to your beautiful first phrase). Which is why I put 'the icy fear' instead of 'her icy fear'. The simple wording changes the entire demeanor of the fear. I also took out some words that I thought were not needed as I thought they could be sacrificed in order to make the sentence flow more smoothly.

What do you think of the changes? Keep in mind that my opinion is not the gospel. I am learning too, these are just my humble thoughts.

Those were just editorial changes to enforce the beautiful phrases you already created to give them the impact and power they deserve. You writing is beautiful, Yeishia, so please don't ever doubt your natural skill?

Thank you so much, your comma comment it highlights my confusion of who exactly to listen to *smiles* I started writing with a new writer recently who told me I needed to add more commas, I do when I write with him and I guess it has stuck

To be honest I do prefer longer sentences in general because I feel they go well with my style of writing. I want to learn to hone my writing within a longer sentence structure if I may, do you think that is possible? or is at a rule all sentences should remain shorter?

I am finding this fun having to discuss these things with you, thank you so very much.

I loved the sentence you came up with it was far superior to mine, though very different in intent than mine was.

When I wrote the sentence, as I was writing it a scene immediately evolved around it in my head, ( I see words, its both a curse and a blessing) perhaps accounting for our differing takes on what I was trying to create....... my sentence was not a stand alone in my mind.

My use of her fear rather than the fear was deliberate, I had wanted to personalize the fear make it more intimate in the sterile setting.

For me the most important part of the sentence was the relationship between her fear and the the normalcy of her perfume, the life line was that connection, not her fear!

Let me try and have another go using what you said and what I intended then perhaps you can let me know what you think and refine again pretty please

Susan listened intently yet nothing could be heard except the incessant tap, tap tapping of water dripping somewhere unseen in the darkness beyond the bed; wrapped in icy fear the thudding pulse at her neck caused the magnolia undertones of the sensual perfume she wore to waft around her like a loving blanket, one she clung to desperately like a lifeline.


Lord I think I have made it longer shoot! *giggles shooting herself in the head*

This is going to bother me all day heheheheheh