Smart Doms-Intimidating or not?

[graceanne]

But K is also quite smart, book smarts aren't a requirement.

That was my point. Nothing wrong with K's intelligence. Education does not always equal intelligence.

For instance? My sister is a very book smart person. She loved school, did well, etc. She also got pregnant at 17 cause she and her boyfriend didn't want to use condoms cause 'it'd look like we were planning on having sex'. I don't care how freaken educated she is - that was freaken stupid.

 

[EmpressFi]

I love a smart Dominant. Intelligence is sexy. And I know for a fact that one of the things my Master loves about me is my intelligence as well. He does not desire me to sit quietly at his feet but to be able to discuss the events of the day and express my opinions on them. I'm even allowed *gasp* to differ mine from his..

 

[sinnocence]

I love a smart Dominant. Intelligence is sexy. And I know for a fact that one of the things my Master loves about me is my intelligence as well. He does not desire me to sit quietly at his feet but to be able to discuss the events of the day and express my opinions on them. I'm even allowed *gasp* to differ mine from his..

That's how it is with me. He has always told me from the beginning that my intelligence is something He loves. But I said the same thing...and I continue to. One of the reasons I was so drawn to Him was His mind and the incredible way He has with words.
If I can't carry on a conversation with someone or I feel like I'm the only one contributing, then it just doesn't thrill me.

 

[Marquis]

Confidence is more important than intelligence, no matter what anyone says.

A ten inch dick looks little if you're insecure about it.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hmmm... intelligence is necessary, not intimidating?

I wonder what I'm doing or have that seems to intimidate so many?

 

[madetotakeit]

I wonder what I'm doing or have that seems to intimidate so many?

*psssst it's your toy closet and we know you will use them

 

[midwestyankee]

Knowledge and intelligence are an asset in virtually any kind of situation so it strikes me as unlikely that simply being intelligent would cause a dominant to have trouble finding a sub who's willing to join in the fun. Unless, of course, the dominant makes a big show of his or her intelligence in some fashion in order to make the intelligence plain for all to see.

But then that sort of social error isn't limited to those who pursue bdsm, is it?

 

[NoLeafClover7]

......

 

[FurryFury]

I'm just curious as to what everyone's take is on a Dom who is considered to be somewhat intelligent. Is it seen as a bad thing, a good thing, or a non-issue either way? I really hope I don't sound like I'm blowing my own horn on that one, its just that a lot of people see that in me. And I've talked to some submissives and slaves who I was interested in, and they were interested back, at first. After a little while though, they said that they really liked me but it wouldn't ever work because they felt like my knowledge in a lot of areas was just a bit intimidating and they felt like they couldn't live up to what I wanted and felt like I would be better off with someone who was a bit more intelligent. Its not like I was going on about particle physics or anything ridiculous. I just wanted someone who wasn't dumb as a brick and who had a wide range of general interests, so maybe she'd learn from me, and I'd learn from her. Does it really intimidate a lot of submissives or slaves that much to be with someone who is reasonably intelligent and is always wanting to learn more? Or have I just had really bad luck of the draw on this one?

My first thought while reading your post and title was I hope a Dom is somewhat intimidating, at least when we are in scene.

My second thought was that intelligence has always been a turn on for me if it translates, to witty, full of humor, able to discuss many things with me thoroughly.

But then I got to the bold part above and wondered just how you are presenting yourself to them? I don't know if the rest of my thoughts will apply to you because I don't know you.

The comment about not wanting someone as "dumb as a brick" resonated with me as something that if a common turn of phrase or similar was often used, that could be a big turn off.

I've know some really smart people. The measure for me isn't IQ because there are so many with a high IQ who sadly can't figure out how to simply live in this world in a way that works socially with others. It's more IQ plus everyday wisdom, that turns me on.

Those that are arrogant or show off types about "being smart" prove that kind of intelligence is not attractive. I also wouldn't find it particularly intimidating either. I'd think of that sort as profoundly stupid in a couple of ways.

Then there are those that are simply lost in their own worlds.

So to recap, you probably just found some really insecure types. You are probably great.

If you happen to notice yourself showing off your intelligence or being condescending that might trigger a potential sub's idea that she isn't smart enough for you.

Knowledge and intelligence are an asset in virtually any kind of situation so it strikes me as unlikely that simply being intelligent would cause a dominant to have trouble finding a sub who's willing to join in the fun. Unless, of course, the dominant makes a big show of his or her intelligence in some fashion in order to make the intelligence plain for all to see.

But then that sort of social error isn't limited to those who pursue bdsm, is it?

Exactly!

 

[nh23]

Dom or not, you're not in my circle if you ain't got brains.

ditto

 

[FurryFury]

And that's where I've found many of the subs who got intimidated a bit as well. I guess CollarMe attracts the less-desirables/people who don't know what they want, like shit attracts flies. Meh. I'm glad to see that other people, both dom and sub, find intelligence to be important. Now I don't feel bad about all of it. Its not like I was trying to showboat or anything. I could definitely see somebody getting frustrated with that. Its just nice to be able to have a conversation about something halfway intelligent with a potential partner. Thanks for your insight, everyone.

I've found CM tends to bring out people that are very sure what they want. They will attempt to demand or coax it from you (universal you) regardless of what your profile might say in direct opposition to their wishes!

LOL

 

[FurryFury]

Of course we are fucking intimadating. That's the whole point.

*applauds and smiles*

Bravo!

 

[ShyVixen]

I'm just curious as to what everyone's take is on a Dom who is considered to be somewhat intelligent. Is it seen as a bad thing, a good thing, or a non-issue either way? I really hope I don't sound like I'm blowing my own horn on that one, its just that a lot of people see that in me. And I've talked to some submissives and slaves who I was interested in, and they were interested back, at first. After a little while though, they said that they really liked me but it wouldn't ever work because they felt like my knowledge in a lot of areas was just a bit intimidating and they felt like they couldn't live up to what I wanted and felt like I would be better off with someone who was a bit more intelligent. Its not like I was going on about particle physics or anything ridiculous. I just wanted someone who wasn't dumb as a brick and who had a wide range of general interests, so maybe she'd learn from me, and I'd learn from her. Does it really intimidate a lot of submissives or slaves that much to be with someone who is reasonably intelligent and is always wanting to learn more? Or have I just had really bad luck of the draw on this one?

For me smart Doms are intimidating in a good way.

As a person I prefer to have conversations with 'intelligent' people. And when I said that I don't necessarily mean 'book smart' people, I mean people who have an opinion on things and who love a good debate - not someone who is going to agree with me, or tell me they have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm generally attracted to smart people. Their mind is what attracts me in the first place. Although being smart is a requirement in a Dom, it is intimidating but in a good way - it's exciting and thrilling to know that the Dom in control can also give my mind a good...'work out' when needed.

On a side note, I can understand your predicament in reverse. I've spoken to a lot of people who claim to be Doms and who lose interest at the first sign of me showing a spark of intelligence, or my opinion.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

Of course we are fucking intimadating. That's the whole point.

truth

 

[callinectes]

Confidence is more important than intelligence, no matter what anyone says.

I couldn't disagree more. Confidence without intelligence usually comes off as arrogance without the cred to back it.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

On a side note, I can understand your predicament in reverse. I've spoken to a lot of people who claim to be Doms and who lose interest at the first sign of me showing a spark of intelligence, or my opinion.

Ditto.

There are more than a few dominant men who are very intimidated by the notion that their sub (or potential sub) is significantly more intelligent than they are. That must be a bummer if they're as dumb as some of the predatory types here and (I assume) on collarme, I mean who does that leave them exactly?

 

[rida]

Being intelligent should not be a hinderance in finding a sub. Brain is very sexy, expecially coupled with wit and a good way with words.

On the other hand thou, if all the conversation are on the geopolitical repercussion of the Iraq war, the best statistical method to measure noise in a data-set or the philosophical thinking of St. Agostino ... sorry, I am going to tell you that I am too stupid for you, even if I would be able to have those conversations (ok ... more or less ... but I surely could listen and understand what you are saying ...). Those are intelligent conversations, book-intelligent, but can also be boring. Sometime a potential-sub just want to be silly and,　unless that is the dynamic she is looking for, she is not going to like to feel as if she is back in school or under test all the time.

Good luck in your quest!

 

[WriterDom]

Unfortunately, the bdsm community isn't any different than the society it draws from. There will be just as many Doms on both sides of the bell curve. And we do have intelligent articulate Doms on the forum. Those that aren't most likely aren't going to hang out on a message board. They stick to CollarMe and to PM.

Will U B My slut? On yer knees you fucking bitch. NOW!

 

[Homburg]

Ditto.

There are more than a few dominant men who are very intimidated by the notion that their sub (or potential sub) is significantly more intelligent than they are. That must be a bummer if they're as dumb as some of the predatory types here and (I assume) on collarme, I mean who does that leave them exactly?

Why is this comment-worthy? Not an attack, just a question. Intelligence is power. If there is a significant difference in intelligence between a Dom and sub, in favour of the sub, how is the Dom going to maintain proper blanace of power, and, for that matter, maintain proper challenge levels?

I would consider it a compatibility issue, not one of intimidation.

And all to often, when I hear the "show a spark of intelligence" comment, the tone leads me to wonder if there is another side to the story. Much like here, the OP is talking about how his intelligence is the issue, when experience on an apparently broad level (looking at this thread as a microcosm) tells us that presence of intelligence is not a detriment. This would cause me to wonder if there was some other reason, and intelligence was the scapegoat. Well, when I hear a pyl talking about how that "spark of intelligence" was the problem, and I see response after response that indicates intelligence to be a plus in a pyl as well, I begin to wonder. Is the "spark of intelligence" the problem, or did the presentation of that spark leave the potential PYL thinking that this one might not be so very submissive?

I'm not pointing fingers or making accusations. Just saying that there's two sides to each story. I can think of very few times in my life where I heard someone talk about a difference in strict intelligence as the core compatibility disconnect. More often it was differences in interest, education, conversational needs, sexual compatibility etc. When intelligence was the problem, there was honestly a marked difference, and those two people should have self-selected out earlier.

So maybe it's not the "spark of intelligence" so much as how it is presented.

A major part of the problem in these situations comes down to people not really paying sufficient attention to added complexity that the overal Power Exchange dynamic adds to the compatibility process. Not only does a person have to meet the normal, every day vanilla compatibility, they've also got to meet a complex set of power dynamic traits that set you off properly, and you've got to do the same. So just laying the blame on "spark of intelligence", while soothing to one's ego, is probably not really sufficient explanation for failure to connect.

And none of this has any bearing on HNG's, predators, or their ilk. We're talking about serious players here. If your brains self-select you out of consideration for those types, it's a blessing.



ETA: This is not directed at you, VelvetDarkness. Your comments just happened to cause me to start off in this direction. I'm not making comment about you here.

 

[Marquis]

I find that people who eschew the importance of confidence tend to be caught in a fox/grape kind of scenario.

Insecurity only draws attention to the weaknesses we all have, inherently. The need to put other people down conveys a desperation to be seen as superior. I would think this would be a particularly unattractive quality in a dom.

I'm not denying the importance of big dicks, big muscles, big bank accounts, big hearts or big IQs. But none of those things are intrinsically attractive on their own.

The old "oh they're just intimidated!" bullshit is what your momma tells you so you'll stop crying.

 

[Netzach]

There are plenty of perfectly intelligent people who have never sat through Woman in the Dunes or read the Odyssey and actually liked any of it or know how to find a good 13 dollar wine.

I cannot do basic addition in my head, understand the rules of most sports, read sheet music, or pick Britney Spears out of a lineup of her, Tara Reid, C. Aguilera, and a muppet, any muppet.

It's relative, but what you value is just what you value and makes a good partner for you. It doesn't mean everyone else is dumb. And it doesn't mean they're not either.

Intelligence/intellect is the most overvalued, overmystiqued, and simultaneously undervalued thing.

 

[chelleb]

Considering I am of the "D/s in a monogamous committed relationship" variety, I can not fathom submitting to a man that I couldn't enjoy talking with over dinner. I need a man that embodies the traits I desire in a partner, including intelligence and education. The fact that he is Dominant is a sort of required icing on the cake thing. Meaning..I need a Dominant man, but first I need to be compatible with him socially, morally, mentally, etc.

Very well said callinctes. Though I haven't had any real life experience with d/s, I whole-heartedly have to agree with what you said. I was talking to someone last night and that's what I was trying to say, but couldn't quite get the words out so eloquently.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Smart Doms intimidate my panties off...

I'm just curious as to what everyone's take is on a Dom who is considered to be somewhat intelligent. Is it seen as a bad thing, a good thing, or a non-issue either way? I really hope I don't sound like I'm blowing my own horn on that one, its just that a lot of people see that in me. And I've talked to some submissives and slaves who I was interested in, and they were interested back, at first. After a little while though, they said that they really liked me but it wouldn't ever work because they felt like my knowledge in a lot of areas was just a bit intimidating and they felt like they couldn't live up to what I wanted and felt like I would be better off with someone who was a bit more intelligent. Its not like I was going on about particle physics or anything ridiculous. I just wanted someone who wasn't dumb as a brick and who had a wide range of general interests, so maybe she'd learn from me, and I'd learn from her. Does it really intimidate a lot of submissives or slaves that much to be with someone who is reasonably intelligent and is always wanting to learn more? Or have I just had really bad luck of the draw on this one?

I don't know you personally, but for me...
Its not a dealbreaker... its a must.
The more I look at people I have admired enough to want to bottom for, they have all been extremely intelligent...

I am very much into the mindF*, it's the most importand part to me.
I had a guy who called himself a Dom tell me that he has never had exprierienced the mental part of bondage and domination... I wondered how he called himself a dominant, That's the main way a dominant asserts his/her authority, some is physical... but the physical alone isn't enough to make me FEEL it.

Otherwise its just a bunch of commands to have sex with him... and while that's nice (?) I want something more...

The most powerful way to assert your authority and dominance is to show your superior intelligence.

Prefect example... a lot of the most interesting people on here, are the extemely intelligent ones, reguardless of how far they live, or how much of an A*hole these people can sound like, they assert their dominance all the time part of me desires them for it...(reguardless of the physical) I guess I love intelligence... To continue reading is part of what I stayed for...

 

[sureibu]

I love a smart Dominant. Intelligence is sexy. And I know for a fact that one of the things my Master loves about me is my intelligence as well. He does not desire me to sit quietly at his feet but to be able to discuss the events of the day and express my opinions on them. I'm even allowed *gasp* to differ mine from his..

I could've written this myself. I find that if I'm not mentally stimulated by someone I'm not really interested, regardless of outward appearance.

 

[Safra]

Being intelligent should not be a hinderance in finding a sub. Brain is very sexy, expecially coupled with wit and a good way with words.

On the other hand thou, if all the conversation are on the geopolitical repercussion of the Iraq war, the best statistical method to measure noise in a data-set or the philosophical thinking of St. Agostino ... sorry, I am going to tell you that I am too stupid for you, even if I would be able to have those conversations (ok ... more or less ... but I surely could listen and understand what you are saying ...). Those are intelligent conversations, book-intelligent, but can also be boring. Sometime a potential-sub just want to be silly and,　unless that is the dynamic she is looking for, she is not going to like to feel as if she is back in school or under test all the time.

Good luck in your quest!

What Rida describes seems to me like this sort of intelligence which people with Aspergers's syndrome have often.
Incredible amounts of knowledge but nearly no EQ (Emotional intelligence) or soft skills.

For me it would be immensely important (and highly attractive) to have a Dom who is intelligent but moreover knows how to use it to be in contact, to "read me"... Isn't the English word "people-smart"?
Is's so important to me because I read people myself and couldn't submit to someone whom I would be able to outsmart at that...