So, last week my mother committed suicide...

[gypziedoll]

thank you for the update Micky....sending you all my love and positive energy Velvet....*hugs*

 

[silverwhisper]

thank you, micky.

ed

 

[angelkitty7888]

(Since it's 4 days til christmas) Velvet i wanted to wish you a lovely holiday full of love and support from your friends.... and may the new year treat you far better than the last..... *hugs* please feel better hun.... you have all our support

 

[VelvetDarkness]

So, update... ok

A lot has happened and I'm not really sure where to start. Most of this is second hand info because there is a lot that I don't remember and was unaware of.

I had a lot of panic attacks after Mum passed and saw a post traumatic shock therapist. He put me on a mild sedative, just one dose at night to combat my bad dreams because I was exhausted all the time, which exacerbated everything else.

A couple of months after that I began to become ill. I began having regular epileptic fits and my health deteriorated. I went to the GP a couple of times and we put it mostly down to stress. I lost weight and became weaker. One day I collapsed and was taken to hospital. Blood tests showed septacaemia (blood poisoning). It transpired that the sedative had a side effect that raised the level of a chemical called phenytoin in the blood. My epilepsy tablets also do this and so the level gradually increased until it was life threatening. I should never have been prescribed both drugs simultaneously. One was prescribed by my neurologist and the other by the therapist.

Needless to say I stopped taking the sedative but also had to switch epilepsy tablets very quickly to try and bring my phenytoin level down. It is inadvisible to suddenly stop taking an anti-convulsant drug, usually patients are gradually weaned off one drug and then gradually introduced to a new one over a period of 2-3 weeks. My epilepsy was therefore poorly controlled and I still had the symptoms of blood poisoning.

I had a number of bad 'grand-mal' or full blown seizures and became so weak that I went into what is termed an 'epileptic state'. Too weak to recover from a fit and regain consciousness I went from one seizure to another and was catatonic in between time. After a few days of this and a lot of medication my epilepsy began to respond to the new drugs and my blood poisoning had abated by this time.

My brain was slightly swollen from being batted around my head as I fitted. This raised the pressure level inside my skull and some spinal fluid was drawn off in order to relieve it. This worked temporarily but the pressure level kept rising again and again even though I wasn't fitting. I was sent for a scan which revealed a leaking blood vessel or brain haemhorrage (I'm sure that's spelled wrong). I was pumped full of fluid and IV nutrition for a few days and then pronounced fit for neurosurgery. The blood vessel was repaired and I am making a recovery from that. I have some memory loss and have had some seizures which led to another scan to check the vessel hadn't burst again. So far, so good.

In the meantime I have lost my flat because my sick pay was dropped to half salary a little while ago. All my stuff is in storage and I'm basically living at the hospital until social services can find me a place. I'm signed unfit for work for the next six months because I mustn't over exert myself or get unduly stressed out. I am quitting from my job because they need to replace me and can't leave the post open any longer, which I understand. This will leave me on the same benefits that my mother was on a few short months ago.

So basically my whole life as I knew it has evaporated.

I'm drifting through a total unreality right now. Vixen has been great but has had to hold her own job down. She has a girlfriend now and they are moving in together, which is great but a jealous part of me still feels that I'm losing a part of her that I'll never get back.

I've been released from hospital for a few days and am staying with a good friend in Kent. She's been wonderful but has three young children and I'm finding it hard to cope with their high pitched laughter and tears. She doesn't have internet and it's not possible to log on to Lit from any public place because of the anti adult content thingies. I'm at another friend's place to type this. Mickyp123 and I have exchanged the odd text but I can't have the phone switched on in hospital and can't always charge it if they need the electric sockets for something else. The guy next to me has a lot of equipment right now. The staff there are being really great, not least because I was a nurse myself.

So that's pretty much all my news. I'm trying to be positive but I do find it difficult. I've never been one for self pity but it's so seductive right now. As Micky says, at the very least it can't get any worse. So I have a number of new year resolutions with a flat at the top of the list.

I hope everyone else is well and I'm sorry to have worried so many for so long. It wasn't my intention.

Happy Christmas and New Year

 

[lord_bob]

You've been through so much, I'm sorry

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You've been through so much, I'm sorry

I've also been unkind to you and unfair. I have learned things about myself that I wish I hadn't found out.

I do not deserve your continued friendship.

 

[lord_bob]

I've also been unkind to you and unfair. I have learned things about myself that I wish I hadn't found out.

I do not deserve your continued friendship.

you have been through a lot, more than anyone should

and you do deserve it, one can never have too many people who care for them, especially for what you've been through, so I'm still here

 

[bobsgirl]

Dear God, Velvet, you are caught in a nightmare. I'm so sorry that on top of your grief, you are having to deal with extremely serious health issues.

I'm sending you massive amounts of positive energy. You deserve a break!

 

[silverwhisper]

velvet, i'm so very sorry to read all of this. do you have friends or family that can help you?

ed

 

[Leah57]

Velvet - Thank you for the update. I wish there was something I could do besides offer my continued prayers and support. You've been through so much. You are a strong women. Keep in touch as you are able. I wish nothing but the best for you in the coming year. x12

 

[VelvetDarkness]

you have been through a lot, more than anyone should

and you do deserve it, one can never have too many people who care for them, especially for what you've been through, so I'm still here

Thanks hon x

 

[lord_bob]

I couldn't do anything else besides be there for you and try and give you support

 

[mickyp123]

Velvet, 2007 is just around the corner, hang on in their, reading your post i feel humbled

 

[VelvetDarkness]

velvet, i'm so very sorry to read all of this. do you have friends or family that can help you?

ed

I have some very good friends but no local family that I'm close to. People have been very generous and my patients and colleagues at my previous job collected some money for me. Vixen contacted the National Epilepsy Association in the UK and they have asked that I apply to their hardship fund if I run into serious difficulty. I'll get by and I know that when I'm recovered I'll be able to get a job. Nursing's that kind of profession, my CV (resume) is pretty good and I'll have excellent references. It's not the end of the world, it's just all been rather sudden.

Medically my prognosis is very good and in a few months I should have regained the health I had before Mum died. There's nothing like a nursing diploma to get you the best NHS treatment in the fastest time. They do take care of their own.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Velvet, 2007 is just around the corner, hang on in their, reading your post i feel humbled

Don't be so flipping daft. Dragons do not do humble.

 

[silverwhisper]

{velvet}

i don't really know what else to say, i'm afraid.

ed

 

[mickyp123]

Don't be so flipping daft. Dragons do not do humble.

A mighty dragon can be humbled by the grace and strength of a butterfly, so i am as well as other people here

 

[VelvetDarkness]

{velvet}

i don't really know what else to say, i'm afraid.

ed

Don't worry, nobody does. People are often shy of approaching the bereaved and saying hello but in addition I've been half dead myself for months. It's more than enough to just say hi and express an interest.

If my story was on a TV soap I'd be the first to denounce it as ridiculously over the top. People have just been shaking their heads in total disbelief.

 

[mickyp123]

Don't worry, nobody does. People are often shy of approaching the bereaved and saying hello but in addition I've been half dead myself for months. It's more than enough to just say hi and express an interest.

If my story was on a TV soap I'd be the first to denounce it as ridiculously over the top. People have just been shaking their heads in total disbelief.

Hey she's still got her humour YAY

 

[lord_bob]

Don't worry, nobody does. People are often shy of approaching the bereaved and saying hello but in addition I've been half dead myself for months. It's more than enough to just say hi and express an interest.

If my story was on a TV soap I'd be the first to denounce it as ridiculously over the top. People have just been shaking their heads in total disbelief.

and you've still made it through all of of this

 

[VelvetDarkness]

A mighty dragon can be humbled by the grace and strength of a butterfly, so i am as well as other people here

Butterfly indeed

Think I'm more of a death's head hawk moth, a bald one at that.

 

[mickyp123]

Butterfly indeed

Think I'm more of a death's head hawk moth, a bald one at that.

its what's in the cocoon thats the key

 

[Leah57]

its what's in the cocoon thats the key

Very well said, micky....

 

[mickyp123]

I have some very good friends but no local family that I'm close to. People have been very generous and my patients and colleagues at my previous job collected some money for me. Vixen contacted the National Epilepsy Association in the UK and they have asked that I apply to their hardship fund if I run into serious difficulty. I'll get by and I know that when I'm recovered I'll be able to get a job. Nursing's that kind of profession, my CV (resume) is pretty good and I'll have excellent references. It's not the end of the world, it's just all been rather sudden.

Medically my prognosis is very good and in a few months I should have regained the health I had before Mum died. There's nothing like a nursing diploma to get you the best NHS treatment in the fastest time. They do take care of their own.

Well you have got a diploma in life as well, why so early god knows its all part of lifes rich tapestry, but as for how you have dealt with it, my hat goes off to you Velvet, yep a truly humbled dragon

 

[angelkitty7888]

*Hugs* I'm sorry this has been a tough and horible year for you *hugs* as someone said, "2007 is almost here" i wish you all the joy that has been denied you in the coming year *hug*

Best wishes Velvet and i'm glad you haven't lost your humor Laughter is really the best medicine