Some perspective/advice please?

[FurryFury]

thanks madetotakit - PYL? - like I said "newbie" - so I am probably being a bit dim. will work on a checklist to see where my limits are in my mind (reality may be very different, but I won't know till I get to the point where I try it).

You are right. You will likely discover limits you never thought of and that you are more open than you thought about some things as you go on.

 

[madetotakeit]

thanks madetotakit - PYL? - like I said "newbie" - so I am probably being a bit dim. will work on a checklist to see where my limits are in my mind (reality may be very different, but I won't know till I get to the point where I try it).

PYL= Pick Your Label (Dom/Domme, Master, etc)
pyl=(Submissive, slave, little girl(lg), etc)

Yes, reality is different and from my albeit limited experience, infinitely better. But it helps to have a jumping point.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

PYL= Pick Your Label (Dom/Domme, Master, etc)
pyl=(Submissive, slave, little girl(lg), etc)

Yes, reality is different and from my albeit limited experience, infinitely better. But it helps to have a jumping point.

thanks for the clarification - better that I know the basic references rather than looking like a total no-hoper!!

 

[dirtyblonde69]

You are right. You will likely discover limits you never thought of and that you are more open than you thought about some things as you go on.

I'd like to think that I'm open to a fair amount of stuff (he already knows some things I have no interest in doing - but I think we're both in agreement on those things) - but if I get the chance to test this out then we'll see where my threshold really lies.

 

[twysted73]

I'm newbie in the BDSM arena, although it's something that has interested me for a number of years (the BD more than the SM if I'm honest). I'm a fairly dominant character in everyday life, and I really struggle to switch off from this, but desperately want to be able to submit. I'm married, and my husband has always known that I have a number of unfulfilled fantasies/interests that he may not necessarily be able to explore with me. A good friend of mine is active in the BDSM community and is currently without a "sub" - the more I've thought about it, the more I think he can help me explore this further. I know he's the right person to teach me as I trust him deeply (and I couldn't do this if I didn't trust the person). I've talked this through with my husband and he is supportive of me doing this. Last week I asked my friend whether he would be willing teach me and he has agreed to think about it - since then we've not spoken (normally we speak every day). I'm concerned that I've asked the wrong thing and in the wrong way.

I did text him to make sure he was ok, his response was that silence didn't mean he wasn't considering it, he was thinking it over. Is it possible he's testing whether I've got the potential to be his sub (given that he knows how dominant I can be normally) or did I overstep the mark?

I would surmise he's weighing the pros and cons. It will be changing the dynamic of your friendship forever. It will potentially involve emotion and connection that cannot be shared with your non-dom husband. How you are towards one another will forever change. And I would guess he's taking everything into consideration carefully before moving foreward. Do not allow your fear of rejection, loss of potential fulfillment and inpatience cloud your judgement. You texted and he responded positively. "It wasn't a no".
Take solice in that and be patient.
Perhaps.....he's prolonging it to see how trainable or patient you can be. If you're unruly and cannot control your emotions, you may be considered too much effort or untrainable.
Remember: To submit, you must harness your impulses and take direction. Not just verbal but nonverbal as well.
Pass the test. "Sit patiently and remain calm until he comes for you".
It's what I would expect.

Good luck.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

I would surmise he's weighing the pros and cons. It will be changing the dynamic of your friendship forever. It will potentially involve emotion and connection that cannot be shared with your non-dom husband. How you are towards one another will forever change. And I would guess he's taking everything into consideration carefully before moving foreward. Do not allow your fear of rejection, loss of potential fulfillment and inpatience cloud your judgement. You texted and he responded positively. "It wasn't a no".
Take solice in that and be patient.
Perhaps.....he's prolonging it to see how trainable or patient you can be. If you're unruly and cannot control your emotions, you may be considered too much effort or untrainable.
Remember: To submit, you must harness your impulses and take direction. Not just verbal but nonverbal as well.
Pass the test. "Sit patiently and remain calm until he comes for you".
It's what I would expect.

Good luck.

Thank you sir, your words have offered me some peace of mind. I know this could change the dynamic of our relationship forever, but I'm hopeful that it will lead to me being able to explore this with my husband in the future, once i know how to submit, I can take what I've learned and use it to teach my husband to be more dominant with me. My friend and I have always had a fairly non-conventional friendship, we've flirted outrageously and skirted around a number of subjects that would make someone more vanilla die of embarrassment.

 

[twysted73]

Thank you sir, your words have offered me some peace of mind. I know this could change the dynamic of our relationship forever, but I'm hopeful that it will lead to me being able to explore this with my husband in the future, once i know how to submit, I can take what I've learned and use it to teach my husband to be more dominant with me. My friend and I have always had a fairly non-conventional friendship, we've flirted outrageously and skirted around a number of subjects that would make someone more vanilla die of embarrassment.

How delightfully playful.

As for your husband, he was represented as not having the "Domly Spark" in him. Many relationships begin with one (or both) parties hoping the other will change for the "better". (better being more along their own lines of thought and belief) and in many cases this just isn't realistic. (would certainly explain the staggering amount of divorces)
Most men can become jealous despite our desire not to be.

In the event your submission is accepted with afformentioned friend, keep this in mind.
As you learn him (and he learns you) you will watch how he is with you. You will watch how he discovers and then intentionally pushes your buttons. Being new, you are a clean slate. Delightfully imprintable upon. Like a a white piece of fine paper he will etch and draw landscapes onto your virgin surface. And even if erased, the marks will always be evident.
Prepair yourself.
Because you will develop a taste for his style. And it is a style you will want your husband to emulate and learn for your pleasure.
Even if you want a slight change up, his core teaching will be what you refer to from that point on. And if your ultimate intent is to be Dominated by your husband, perhaps keeping them seperate might not be beneficial.
IF he's open minded, IF he's willing, IF he's able.....perhaps having your husband learn as your Dominant instructs on you....through it he can learn and your friend can guide your husband's hand.
This is more then most marriages of average strength can handle. But I forsee difficulty otherwise.
Because, once you have learned, your desire for it and need for it will naturally deepen and intensify. And as you can plainly see through thread after thread in here, it's an itch that cannot be ignored. It MUSt be scratched...and scratched just how you like it to be.

I truly wish you success in this. Our natural need to be pleased and to pleasure is one based out of core needs and childhood love bundled in expectation and undeniable desire.
A truly powerful impulse.
Good luck.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

How delightfully playful.

As for your husband, he was represented as not having the "Domly Spark" in him. Many relationships begin with one (or both) parties hoping the other will change for the "better". (better being more along their own lines of thought and belief) and in many cases this just isn't realistic. (would certainly explain the staggering amount of divorces)
Most men can become jealous despite our desire not to be.

In the event your submission is accepted with afformentioned friend, keep this in mind.
As you learn him (and he learns you) you will watch how he is with you. You will watch how he discovers and then intentionally pushes your buttons. Being new, you are a clean slate. Delightfully imprintable upon. Like a a white piece of fine paper he will etch and draw landscapes onto your virgin surface. And even if erased, the marks will always be evident.
Prepair yourself.
Because you will develop a taste for his style. And it is a style you will want your husband to emulate and learn for your pleasure.
Even if you want a slight change up, his core teaching will be what you refer to from that point on. And if your ultimate intent is to be Dominated by your husband, perhaps keeping them seperate might not be beneficial.
IF he's open minded, IF he's willing, IF he's able.....perhaps having your husband learn as your Dominant instructs on you....through it he can learn and your friend can guide your husband's hand.
This is more then most marriages of average strength can handle. But I forsee difficulty otherwise.
Because, once you have learned, your desire for it and need for it will naturally deepen and intensify. And as you can plainly see through thread after thread in here, it's an itch that cannot be ignored. It MUSt be scratched...and scratched just how you like it to be.

I truly wish you success in this. Our natural need to be pleased and to pleasure is one based out of core needs and childhood love bundled in expectation and undeniable desire.
A truly powerful impulse.
Good luck.

I appreciate the support and encouragement sir

I'm not looking at this as a "quick fix" for my marriage. It's about something I've felt I needed to explore for a long time, but that I've buried for years and my husband knows this (he knew I was complicated when he married me). If it proves to be something I wish to continue exploring then my preference would be to be able to do so with my husband - how we do that will be investigated once I've figured out whether this is who I am. But before I can get to that point - I need a firm hand to guide me down the first part of the path.

 

[Primalex]

Hmmm...

So you have no idea about what it takes to be a submissive and no idea if this is what you want and your husband has no idea about what it takes to be dominant and has no idea if he can walk this path.

And now you want that someone else teaches you his way of BDSM lifestyle? This sounds to me like:"Hello friend, my husband and I, we are virgins. Would you fuck me so that I can teach him afterwards how to fuck me, if I should like it?"

Your crush on your friend must affect your brain.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Hmmm...

So you have no idea about what it takes to be a submissive and no idea if this is what you want and your husband has no idea about what it takes to be dominant and has no idea if he can walk this path.

And now you want that someone else teaches you his way of BDSM lifestyle? This sounds to me like:"Hello friend, my husband and I, we are virgins. Would you fuck me so that I can teach him afterwards how to fuck me, if I should like it?"

Your crush on your friend must affect your brain.

I think you're making a lot of assumptions about me, and in a very black and white way. I'm learning - I'm following advice from the people on here who've been encouraging. You don't know me, so you don't know what my life is like, what my relationship with my husband is about, or why i want/need to explore this. This is not a decision I've arrived at easily, and it was not one based on a crush, it was based on the fact that he's the only one I would trust to teach me - you have no idea how difficult it was for me to admit how I felt about myself and what I needed.

Somebody once said to me that it's not what you say, it's how you say it that matters - I'm looking for constructive advice not for someone to belittle the way I'm feeling, or the situation I'm in.

 

[Primalex]

I think you're making a lot of assumptions about me, and in a very black and white way. I'm learning - I'm following advice from the people on here who've been encouraging. You don't know me, so you don't know what my life is like, what my relationship with my husband is about, or why i want/need to explore this.

Oh, I understand. Those people who encourage you, they of course know all these things. Or didn't it matter to you if they know it or not, because they had the same opinion?

Despite this, you obviously didn't read at all what twysted73 said, because he didn't encourage you this much. Let me translate his words:
"If your friend teaches you and his style will not match with what your husband could be, then you are totally screwed."

BDSM is not peanut butter which you either like or not. There are zillions of flavors and your friend will get you hooked to _one particular_, which is not necessarily the best and for sure not necessarily the best for your marriage. And what exactly do you think happens, if you find out that you do _not_ like his style?

This is not a decision I've arrived at easily, and it was not one based on a crush, it was based on the fact that he's the only one I would trust to teach me

So you don't trust your husband and you don't trust yourself, but you trust your friend that he is able to find a way that works for your marriage? Oh, wait, it isn't about your marriage anyway any longer. My fault.

No crush? Hell, you so much want to be his slut that you barely have the patience to wait for an answer. How often did you finger yourself thinking about your friend?

I'm looking for constructive advice not for someone to belittle the way I'm feeling, or the situation I'm in.

Sorry, I didn't see the "Pamper Me!" sign - not that I would have cared. You want constructive advice? Tell your friend to teach your husband; nothing formal, some beer, a movie and a long evening without you. Already the assumption that it could work that the sub (you) later teaches the dom (your husband) is very funny - bottom topping at its best. You can google for bottom topping if you don't know what this means.

There you have my advice.

 

[madetotakeit]

This is not a decision I've arrived at easily, and it was not one based on a crush, it was based on the fact that he's the only one I would trust to teach me - you have no idea how difficult it was for me to admit how I felt about myself and what I needed.

Everyone's specific situations vary, but how you feel...so many if not most know exactly how you feel. It's exciting, it's scary, you wonder about yourself...all of those why's and doubts. It seems admitting to yourself is the hardest part. You are over that hump. You have even discussed this with your husband. Being able to discuss it with him shows good things about the strength of your relationship.

Twyst referred to being a clean slate and as such being imprinted upon. That's a very good thing to remember. Every step will leave its mark. What seems like a rather small mark will feel like a very bold stroke at first. Personally, when I had my first taste I was overwhelmed with that. I frenzied. I wasn't sure which way was up, what I was feeling or why. That feeling subsides. My next foray resonated strongly in me as well, but I was more comfortable in my skin. And while it reinforced this is my path, I approached it from a much calmer place. Two things contributed to that. Having an outlet on Lit to talk and get advice, and trust in the one leading. The first one you submit to is similar to your first lover in the impact he has on you. Choose someone who does not mesh with what you need and it can leave a bad taste in your mouth. Choose the one who does and you will find yourself craving more, excited in the anticipation of what you will explore.

Trust is not something easily given. It can take years before some find that person they can give theirs to. You have found that already, so you are ahead of the game. Yes, the waiting can be torturous and you will wonder where your breaking point lies. If it feels right to you, you will find that you can be patient and retain your sanity. After all, in the grand scheme of things this waiting period will be a blip compared to everything you have ahead of you.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Oh, I understand. Those people who encourage you, they of course know all these things. Or didn't it matter to you if they know it or not, because they had the same opinion?

Despite this, you obviously didn't read at all what twysted73 said, because he didn't encourage you this much. Let me translate his words:
"If your friend teaches you and his style will not match with what your husband could be, then you are totally screwed."

BDSM is not peanut butter which you either like or not. There are zillions of flavors and your friend will get you hooked to _one particular_, which is not necessarily the best and for sure not necessarily the best for your marriage. And what exactly do you think happens, if you find out that you do _not_ like his style?



So you don't trust your husband and you don't trust yourself, but you trust your friend that he is able to find a way that works for your marriage? Oh, wait, it isn't about your marriage anyway any longer. My fault.

No crush? Hell, you so much want to be his slut that you barely have the patience to wait for an answer. How often did you finger yourself thinking about your friend?



Sorry, I didn't see the "Pamper Me!" sign - not that I would have cared. You want constructive advice? Tell your friend to teach your husband; nothing formal, some beer, a movie and a long evening without you. Already the assumption that it could work that the sub (you) later teaches the dom (your husband) is very funny - bottom topping at its best. You can google for bottom topping if you don't know what this means.

There you have my advice.

And thank you for giving it - all advice is taken on board, and you do raise some valid points, which I'm not so naive that i haven't already thought about. You're still making many many assumptions about me, the situation and my relationship and in an agressive tone that isn't necessary in this setting.

 

[DeservingBitch]

BDSM is not peanut butter which you either like or not. There are zillions of flavors and your friend will get you hooked to _one particular_, which is not necessarily the best and for sure not necessarily the best for your marriage. And what exactly do you think happens, if you find out that you do _not_ like his style?

I call BS on this one. I've bottomed to various 'styles' of Top, and I've Topped bottoms who were far more experienced than me, and who had relationships and played with different 'styles' of Top. They are certainly certain 'styles' that appeal to me more than others, but at the end of the day, it's much more about the vibe between me and the other person than it is about our respective 'style'.

No crush? Hell, you so much want to be his slut that you barely have the patience to wait for an answer. How often did you finger yourself thinking about your friend?

Sorry, I didn't see the "Pamper Me!" sign - not that I would have cared.

See hon, there's a difference between 'pampering', offering constructive advice/critique, and being a dick. That there, and most of the rest of your post, fall under 'being a dick'.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

I like a lot of different kinds of peanut butter and I'm not addicted to any of them.

Does it make sense to think in terms of learning to submit. As in submit in general? That makes it sound like a technical skill to me, rather than a component of a relationship.

 

[JMohegan]

I'm hopeful that it will lead to me being able to explore this with my husband in the future, once i know how to submit, I can take what I've learned and use it to teach my husband to be more dominant with me.

If this is really your goal, then my advice to you and your husband may be found here.

Keeping your stated goal in mind, I'd say that experimenting with some other guy sounds very counter-productive. In fact, I'll go a step further and say that I'd be very wary of your "friend" if he comes back with a chest-puffing, mystique-slathered, "Ohhhh, yes, I completely understand why you need ME."




.

 

[Primalex]

I call BS on this one. I've bottomed to various 'styles' of Top, and I've Topped bottoms who were far more experienced than me, and who had relationships and played with different 'styles' of Top. They are certainly certain 'styles' that appeal to me more than others, but at the end of the day, it's much more about the vibe between me and the other person than it is about our respective 'style'.

Good to know that you are such a simple creature that you are so easy to please.

Or maybe it already takes a certain kind of person who is willing to get involved with you - and vice versa, the thing you call "vibe", so the styles already match a lot. But hey, want to bottom in one of _my_ scenes? Then you can come here and post this "it's all the same" again and I might believe you. No, to be honest I wouldn't believe you, you would post it, even if it wouldn't be true, just to prove the point.

See hon, there's a difference between 'pampering', offering constructive advice/critique, and being a dick. That there, and most of the rest of your post, fall under 'being a dick'.

And I reserve the right to be one if I think it's necessary. Ha! Now what? Even a dick has useful content, it just might take some work to actually recognize it.

 

[Primalex]

Keeping your stated goal in mind, I'd say that experimenting with some other guy sounds very counter-productive.

Why the fuck do you have to agree with me?

 

[DeservingBitch]

I like a lot of different kinds of peanut butter and I'm not addicted to any of them.

Does it make sense to think in terms of learning to submit. As in submit in general? That makes it sound like a technical skill to me, rather than a component of a relationship.

I'm actually not clear on what exactly you mean by 'learning to submit'.

Do as you're told and do it properly. Sure, it's a little more complicated than that, but at the end of the day, that's kind of what it is. Putting your Dom's needs and desires above and beyond yours, always.

It may be a little difficult at first because you have to 'unlearn' some behaviors and thinking you've been socialized into, but I'm not sure why you think you need someone to teach you how to do it, especially if that someone is your friend when the goal is eventually to submit to your husband. In this sense, I agree with the guys above.

But hey, want to bottom in one of _my_ scenes?

No thanks, I'll pass. But thanks for offering though.

And I reserve the right to be one if I think it's necessary.

OK.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

I'm actually not clear on what exactly you mean by 'learning to submit'.

Do as you're told and do it properly. Sure, it's a little more complicated than that, but at the end of the day, that's kind of what it is. Putting your Dom's needs and desires above and beyond yours, always.

It may be a little difficult at first because you have to 'unlearn' some behaviors and thinking you've been socialized into, but I'm not sure why you think you need someone to teach you how to do it, especially if that someone is your friend when the goal is eventually to submit to your husband. In this sense, I agree with the guys above.

I'm fairly sure the OP (just to be clear, I'm not the OP) used the phrase learning to submit--or wanting her friend to teach her. I'm wondering why she's thinking of it in those terms. And yes, except for the dicky parts, I agree with the guys above too.

JMohegan: the post in your link is brilliant. Thank you.

 

[Netzach]

This whole "made to submit" "taught to submit" "forced to submit" thing is smoke up the collective ass of Dominants everywhere.

Find the self control to do what your husband enjoys and likes, even if it doesn't read like your stash of porn. If that holds no appeal to you, guess what, you really aren't particularly submissive, but a sexually mismatched bottom with specific fantasy wants.

There is nothing wrong with that, just save yourself some headache.

You probably don't need to be taught to submit to your husband at all, because you probably know how to please him and what things he likes done. If he doesn't like making a lot of decisions about details and you resent that that's your job, that's his prerogative and just make them well. I make M pick restaurants and plan menus and things like that - shouldn't I be doing them because I'm the D? Not if I don't want to. You know the man, I presume, so there's no mystery in how to submit to him. Not everyone is going to be the Sado of your dreams but just about everyone responds well to being pampered and pleased and not being argued with.

 

[JMohegan]

JMohegan: the post in your link is brilliant. Thank you.

Quite welcome.

Thanks for the compliment, Rosie.

 

[Marquis]

This whole "made to submit" "taught to submit" "forced to submit" thing is smoke up the collective ass of Dominants everywhere.

You know what fucking kills me?

I really wish I could deliver these lines with a straight face. I mean, I can, but only if the person I'm with is on the same page as me in terms of the irony.

I don't know man, I guess I say some pretty corny shit when the candle light is right, but I just can't stomach all this tripe. Actually, maybe its not so much what I can't stand to say so much as what I can't stand to hear.

Am I getting old?

I hear these bitches with their "I've just always wanted to submit and I just need you to show me how and...." and I think to myself, "I can't do this."

 

[Netzach]

You know what fucking kills me?

I really wish I could deliver these lines with a straight face. I mean, I can, but only if the person I'm with is on the same page as me in terms of the irony.

I don't know man, I guess I say some pretty corny shit when the candle light is right, but I just can't stomach all this tripe. Actually, maybe its not so much what I can't stand to say so much as what I can't stand to hear.

Am I getting old?

I hear these bitches with their "I've just always wanted to submit and I just need you to show me how and...." and I think to myself, "I can't do this."

Can't do it either.

I know there are valid reasons to needing to feel like you're not responsible for your own kinks and perversions, but honestly that's not submission to just have someone else to blame for doing nasty awesome stuff.

 

[Marquis]

Can't do it either.

I know there are valid reasons to needing to feel like you're not responsible for your own kinks and perversions, but honestly that's not submission to just have someone else to blame for doing nasty awesome stuff.

I know and I feel like there's a lot of hot ass in that category.

I compensate for the lack of genuine submission with a proportionately insistent demand for it.

Genuine submission, that is.

When my demands are rebuked; I merely refer, puzzled, to her earlier comments and feign innocence right back and twice as strong.