Some perspective/advice please?

[BiBunny]

Out of morbid curiosity--and I know I probably shouldn't open this can of worms, but I'm feeling froggy tonight--just what, pray tell, is wrong with being a bottom? Why can't people just say, "Look, I want you to do x, y, and z to me" instead of trying to couch it in the smoke-blowing terms that Netz and Marquis are talking about (forced to submit, made to submit, whatever)?

Every bottom is not and does not have to be a submissive. Just because somebody has some fantasy porn scenario in his/her head doesn't automatically make that person a sub. Maybe I'm just kind of sensitive or something because I'm not particularly submissive myself, more a badly-trained pet than anything else, I suppose, but I don't see why every time people have "tie me up" fantasies, they have to wax romantic about wanting to submit. The two things don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand, and I think folks would be a lot happier if they'd realize that it's not necessary to go off half-cocked, chasing some crazy porn fantasy.

And, since I apparently have to add this disclaimer to my posts, I really mean no offense to anyone. It's not an indictment of the OP, but just a general observation. Why is there so much apparent stigma surrounding someone saying, "Look, I wanna be beaten, but I don't really give a shit about 'surrendering my will to yours' or whatever terminology we're using these days."

 

[DeservingBitch]

Out of morbid curiosity--and I know I probably shouldn't open this can of worms, but I'm feeling froggy tonight--just what, pray tell, is wrong with being a bottom? Why can't people just say, "Look, I want you to do x, y, and z to me" instead of trying to couch it in the smoke-blowing terms that Netz and Marquis are talking about (forced to submit, made to submit, whatever)?

Every bottom is not and does not have to be a submissive. Just because somebody has some fantasy porn scenario in his/her head doesn't automatically make that person a sub. Maybe I'm just kind of sensitive or something because I'm not particularly submissive myself, more a badly-trained pet than anything else, I suppose, but I don't see why every time people have "tie me up" fantasies, they have to wax romantic about wanting to submit. The two things don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand, and I think folks would be a lot happier if they'd realize that it's not necessary to go off half-cocked, chasing some crazy porn fantasy.

And, since I apparently have to add this disclaimer to my posts, I really mean no offense to anyone. It's not an indictment of the OP, but just a general observation. Why is there so much apparent stigma surrounding someone saying, "Look, I wanna be beaten, but I don't really give a shit about 'surrendering my will to yours' or whatever terminology we're using these days."

I think it's partly porn being very bad sex ed.

And probably also a lot of discomfort around voicing those desires/fantasies. Being 'forced to submit' at once take the onus of the responsibility away from the person 'submitting', and add a nice layer of romanticism that makes it less dirty or something.

And then, depending of your scene, there are also a bunch of hierarchies which often make bottoming/topping 'less than' whatever it is that other people define what they do.

 

[Netzach]

Out of morbid curiosity--and I know I probably shouldn't open this can of worms, but I'm feeling froggy tonight--just what, pray tell, is wrong with being a bottom? Why can't people just say, "Look, I want you to do x, y, and z to me" instead of trying to couch it in the smoke-blowing terms that Netz and Marquis are talking about (forced to submit, made to submit, whatever)?

Every bottom is not and does not have to be a submissive. Just because somebody has some fantasy porn scenario in his/her head doesn't automatically make that person a sub. Maybe I'm just kind of sensitive or something because I'm not particularly submissive myself, more a badly-trained pet than anything else, I suppose, but I don't see why every time people have "tie me up" fantasies, they have to wax romantic about wanting to submit. The two things don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand, and I think folks would be a lot happier if they'd realize that it's not necessary to go off half-cocked, chasing some crazy porn fantasy.

And, since I apparently have to add this disclaimer to my posts, I really mean no offense to anyone. It's not an indictment of the OP, but just a general observation. Why is there so much apparent stigma surrounding someone saying, "Look, I wanna be beaten, but I don't really give a shit about 'surrendering my will to yours' or whatever terminology we're using these days."

I blame the community partly, because we have made this idea that a person who wants specific things done to them is automatically some kind of selfish asshole and the person willing to do these things a dumb dupe, which makes no sense to me. I reject that outright. It's littered all over the place though.

I really can count on one hand the time a guy just asked me to do something to him instead of trying to manipulate me into doing it. I'm pretty agreeable, actually, when I'm not being manipulated I really don't care so much.

I also blame the fact that we live in a really demented sex-phobic culture where so many people don't want to take responsibility for communicating about sex with the people they have it with.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Out of morbid curiosity--and I know I probably shouldn't open this can of worms, but I'm feeling froggy tonight--just what, pray tell, is wrong with being a bottom? Why can't people just say, "Look, I want you to do x, y, and z to me" instead of trying to couch it in the smoke-blowing terms that Netz and Marquis are talking about (forced to submit, made to submit, whatever)?

Every bottom is not and does not have to be a submissive. Just because somebody has some fantasy porn scenario in his/her head doesn't automatically make that person a sub. Maybe I'm just kind of sensitive or something because I'm not particularly submissive myself, more a badly-trained pet than anything else, I suppose, but I don't see why every time people have "tie me up" fantasies, they have to wax romantic about wanting to submit. The two things don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand, and I think folks would be a lot happier if they'd realize that it's not necessary to go off half-cocked, chasing some crazy porn fantasy.

And, since I apparently have to add this disclaimer to my posts, I really mean no offense to anyone. It's not an indictment of the OP, but just a general observation. Why is there so much apparent stigma surrounding someone saying, "Look, I wanna be beaten, but I don't really give a shit about 'surrendering my will to yours' or whatever terminology we're using these days."

Bunny, you asked. Here is one perspective, mine.

I see no stigma in people that identify as a bottom, I respect those who have the wisdom & confidence not to buy into a myth of general submission to make things appear more palatable. How many times I have wished it was in me, I have no libido to bottom. Zilch. I used to like to imagine it's "easier", I also know to make that kind of assumption is patently naive.

Having said so, "I want to be beaten" is no where near the top end of my personal scale in regards to BDSM pursuits. Without a significant relationship ( by my definition ), coupled with the kind of intimacy that entails to me , cravings for a "beating" and most other kinds of play do not register at all. The only real exceptions that come to mind may be a momentary distraction by something that spikes as provocative on my direct fetish meter. So Submissives R Us, I won't apologize for it, or the take on magic that manifests for me there on occasion. Said "magic" has been very thin on the grounds recently if that's any consolation : chuckles :

We are sooooooo doing the labels and perceived stigma thing again aren't we : laughs : Do I need to start singing the "wheels on the bus" ? Because I can and I don't hold a tune very well !

I'm out, look forward to reading more comments later in my evening.

 

[Netzach]

I should add that I don't think a person who is capable of asking for an experience is necessarily NOT a submissive. It's not limited to purely letting life hand you whatever it does and loving it - but it's how and why you ask your partner for experiences.

 

[Marquis]

I should add that I don't think a person who is capable of asking for an experience is necessarily NOT a submissive. It's not limited to purely letting life hand you whatever it does and loving it - but it's how and why you ask your partner for experiences.

Yeah, I gotta admit Netz, I was a little taken aback by this:

Find the self control to do what your husband enjoys and likes, even if it doesn't read like your stash of porn. If that holds no appeal to you, guess what, you really aren't particularly submissive, but a sexually mismatched bottom with specific fantasy wants.

I think connecting A and B there is a bit of a stretch. I would think even the extremely, particularly submissive have the right to be finicky and still be called subs. I believe my dominant hand is something which must be earned. I don't mind if a sub feels her submission must be inspired.

That being said, I agree with everything else you've said, strongly.

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, I gotta admit Netz, I was a little taken aback by this:

Find the self control to do what your husband enjoys and likes, even if it doesn't read like your stash of porn. If that holds no appeal to you, guess what, you really aren't particularly submissive, but a sexually mismatched bottom with specific fantasy wants.

I think connecting A and B there is a bit of a stretch. I would think even the extremely, particularly submissive have the right to be finicky and still be called subs. I believe my dominant hand is something which must be earned. I don't mind if a sub feels her submission must be inspired.

That being said, I agree with everything else you've said, strongly.

I'm very service oriented, I'll admit my bias. For someone to register submissive rather than bottom in my universe "I genuinely want to please you" is the major criteria. I don't mean "I trust you to ram my ass till it bleeds tonight and I've never had anything in there ever" submission, I don't expect that kind of thing on the first date. And we're not talking about the first date, we are talking about people who are married and someone who says that she wants to submit to her husband.

I expect "I like you and I want to know how you like your eggs in the morning so I get it right." I need a submissive who gets a genuine *charge* out of the latter not someone who feels like it's just what you do to get more of what you like and something to get out of the way. I expect not to butt heads on the really small subtle and boring stuff and I expect not to be considered boring or non-dominant if I'm not providing a thrill ride experience all the time.

In turn, I offer a lot of latitude and a lot of attention paid, and a lot of those peak experiences - I'm not completely opposed to argument and compromise as avenues of interaction even with someone who is my submissive, and some D's simply do NOT argue.

I'm still mostly a Top after all, but I really get sticky about it being on my terms or at least on terms I have agreed to and not some manipulation trip.

Either I'm inspiring or I'm not. I don't do hoop jumping. I don't tend to bore the people I'm with too too bad, I guess. People absolutely have the right not to give it all up in one fell swoop - but if there isn't any satisfaction in your Dominant's basic satisfaction and comfort, then I don't really think that person can be said to have a submissive temprement.

And what's with this "maybe you're not a submissive - DAMN that's harsh" thing? It's just a possibility, it's not an invalidation of the person as a person. I don't think it's better to be a submissive than it is to be a bottom or better to be a bottom than submissive - a lot of people are both. I guess if I did think it was better for people to be submissive it would be an insult.

The OP said that submitting to her husband is the end goal, but she doesn't recognize him as a Dominant at present. My suspicion is that ass-ramming is more exciting than over easy or scrambled? First problem right there - she can't find it in her to see him as an authority because he doesn't fit her criteria for one, I am guessing. She's not alone - I know a lot of married people in the scene who can't submit to their primary partner for familiarity. There's nothing horrible about that, they just don't paint it as something they're trying to do in submitting to other people.

The only training I would offer someone like that is a serious questioning of where what and why she constructs authority in her own mind, because to follow someone they don't always have to be the consummate leader (God knows I'm not) you just decide you will follow them and honor your own pact with yourself. It seems to me, though, that the prospect of changing one's parameters is not as exciting as finding someone else who fits those parameters. I have no moral issue around that either - call it what it is though. Even if the other guy gets her trained (whatever that means) how is that going to benefit a husband who hasn't done any of that training introspection and goal setting of his own in this situation, with no D/s experience?

 

[FurryFury]

This whole "made to submit" "taught to submit" "forced to submit" thing is smoke up the collective ass of Dominants everywhere.

Find the self control to do what your husband enjoys and likes, even if it doesn't read like your stash of porn. If that holds no appeal to you, guess what, you really aren't particularly submissive, but a sexually mismatched bottom with specific fantasy wants.

There is nothing wrong with that, just save yourself some headache.

You probably don't need to be taught to submit to your husband at all, because you probably know how to please him and what things he likes done. If he doesn't like making a lot of decisions about details and you resent that that's your job, that's his prerogative and just make them well. I make M pick restaurants and plan menus and things like that - shouldn't I be doing them because I'm the D? Not if I don't want to. You know the man, I presume, so there's no mystery in how to submit to him. Not everyone is going to be the Sado of your dreams but just about everyone responds well to being pampered and pleased and not being argued with.

All this did cross my mind at the beginning of this thread and also as I've gone on my journey. Lately, I've been doing much better at making myself do what will make him happy even when it seriously bothers me to do so. Even if he doesn't notice, I feel some satisfaction in it.

*shrug*

 

[Marquis]

And what's with this "maybe you're not a submissive - DAMN that's harsh" thing? It's just a possibility, it's not an invalidation of the person as a person.

I'm not saying you were harsh but I do think you were wrong.

I read your comment as saying that if she can't do it with her husband, she can't do it (be submissive) at all.

Again, I agree with everything else you've said. In fact, I think you know me well enough to recognize how many of the things you're talking about are frustrations I've shared in the past.

But I don't agree with the statement I bolded earlier, I don't think you really meant it as I read it, but it came off to me as laying guilt where it genuinely doesn't belong. I'm not saying this woman is a poster child for well adjusted. There's a number of things I think she should feel guilty for, but I don't think that finding herself unfulfilled with who she's with is one of them.

I suppose this is a personal issue for me, am I making it obvious?

 

[rida]

To Dirtyblonde69: regarding your fear of having ruined your friendship, I would not use the word ruined, but it will not be the same, whether he accepts to teach/train you or not. I understand how hard is to sit and wait, as I am usually very bad at it and end up blurting out, and pushing the person away. As many have said: be patient and wait. Patience is still the hardest thing for me. LOL.

The posters above, they all give you good point on things to ponder on while you wait and what to expect if your friend accept your request.

I too am married, but the difference with you is that Hubby introduced BDSM into our relationship, I was the one following at first. It has now turned the other way around. It has opened a Pandora Box of desires/needs/fantasy and what not and I started reading, and ended up here on Lit.

My joining Lit also coincided with Hubby being too busy and otherly occupied to be able to satisfie my needs and he gave me freedom to explore however I saw fit, as far as I would keep him in the loop. In spite of not looking, I ended up finding a on-line Dom. It was short and sweet and intense and I've learned a lot about myself and my needs. And even if it was only on-line, it has left a strong mark on me. Twisted is right when he says it will mold you. And I know crave the same type of interaction with Hubby, but the whole point is that , unknowingly, I found someone that could give me something that Hubby cannot.

So I am now struggling with myself: I am really submissive? If so, shouldn't I be able to find total fulfillment in simply pleasing Hubby in his term and time? And if I didn't have this experience, would I have been just happy with Hubby's flavour of BDSM (he is mostly a Top) or would I have eventually ended up in this same spot with similar struggles?

All this just to say ... you opened the lid, the cat is out, and is not going back. It is going to be a bumpy ride and it will bring joy and struggles. Have fun!
People here always have good perspective and advices ... don't be afraid to ask.
I am very new too, but feel free to chat me up if you wish.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not saying you were harsh but I do think you were wrong.

I read your comment as saying that if she can't do it with her husband, she can't do it (be submissive) at all.

Again, I agree with everything else you've said. In fact, I think you know me well enough to recognize how many of the things you're talking about are frustrations I've shared in the past.

But I don't agree with the statement I bolded earlier, I don't think you really meant it as I read it, but it came off to me as laying guilt where it genuinely doesn't belong. I'm not saying this woman is a poster child for well adjusted. There's a number of things I think she should feel guilty for, but I don't think that finding herself unfulfilled with who she's with is one of them.

I suppose this is a personal issue for me, am I making it obvious?

Not a problem. It's just as personal for me, I guess, just kind of over the onus of whatever I was onused with for however long from that many unhappily married guys.

As you read it I don't agree with it either -- I did not take the time to soften or nuance it, and you're right.

I'm not saying she can't do it at all if not for her husband, but that it might be wise to gauge her reaction to her husband as a self-assessment tool. Because no matter how Dominant and thrilling any other partner he's eventually going to bore and frustrate her at some juncture, and then whaddaya do?

 

[Marquis]

Not a problem. It's just as personal for me, I guess, just kind of over the onus of whatever I was onused with for however long from that many unhappily married guys.

Word.

I was having an affair once where the married woman broke up with me because I refused to admit I was doing anything shameful. I told her I had no obligations to her husband, that was her deal. Apparently not sharing the guilt with her was a dealbreaker.

There are also the situations that still come up, even in my current relationship or in discussing my previous relationship with an ex. A scene that enters new territory, obviously appreciated by both, but I can't get my props until I dole out some heavy reassurance first. Until then it's.. "How did you like that, little one?" ...... "Ummm, I don't know, if you liked it I guess..." Am I saying the opposite of what I said in the last paragraph? Oh well, I don't even ask anymore, certainly not too soon after the fact.

What I do really insist upon though is that someone I'm going to dominate make it clear how much they adore submitting to me. I'm not jumping through hoops for that either. I think that a careful consideration of other options in my category paint me in a fairly "inspiring" light, recognition of that is essential to moving forward. Being a dom does not equal being a wellspring of sexual fantasy. I'm a human being, not the goddamned giving tree.

Actually, this shit is so funny, I'm getting kinda pissy as I write this.

Because there are so many bitches that will hit me up and I'm thinking "hmmm, ok, she's cute, etc etc" and then she'll go on and on about how she wants to submit and stuff and yet she doesn't really ask anything about me. Apparently I'm supposed to be so impressed and, I don't know... grateful? - with what a slut she is that nothing else matters.

"I just told you I want to be *spanked*! I've never told anyone that before, don't you see how special you are to me, baby!"

Bitch, please. I invented that line. In any case, I don't mind being objectified if I can do it back. Which is basically what I was saying before. But you don't get hot sex AND respect unless you're giving both.

As you read it I don't agree with it either -- I did not take the time to soften or nuance it, and you're right.

Ha ha, there's enough of that around here as it is.

This woman supposedly discussed it with her husband at length and he's all for it. This makes me think he's either thinking he'll be able to get something out of it, or honestly just disinterested in her sexuality. Maybe both. In either case, it does make the OP a little less despicable in my eyes, "teach me how to submit!" BS notwithstanding.

I'm not saying she can't do it at all if not for her husband, but that it might be wise to gauge her reaction to her husband as a self-assessment tool. Because no matter how Dominant and thrilling any other partner he's eventually going to bore and frustrate her at some juncture, and then whaddaya do?

Well, I do agree that there is some need for self-reflection here. Like you, I also hear story after story of people who are supposedly subs but just can't seem to submit to anyone.... unless the "dom" is essentially sticking to the script. I'm not convinced that's what's going on here though.

 

[Marquis]

Oh yeah, but this line is total absolute horse shit:

I'm hopeful that it will lead to me being able to explore this with my husband in the future, once i know how to submit, I can take what I've learned and use it to teach my husband to be more dominant with me.


It just doesn't work that way, duh.

What CAN happen though is that she gives hubby a little more of what he wants because she's getting a little more of what she wants. Namely sex with another man.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I agree with most everything of what Marquis and Netzach wrote here.

But lets not forget that there are a LOT of Tops/Doms who not only give into this BS but also contribute in spreading the disease. I think it appeals to a lot of Tops to see whatever they're doing -- whether it's a spanking or ass pounding -- as some sort of deep teaching in how to submit.

Again, I guess that coating it into Master teaching the art of submission sounds better to them than Jack spanking her ass and getting a blow job.

Because there are so many bitches that will hit me up and I'm thinking "hmmm, ok, she's cute, etc etc" and then she'll go on and on about how she wants to submit and stuff and yet she doesn't really ask anything about me. Apparently I'm supposed to be so impressed and, I don't know... grateful? - with what a slut she is that nothing else matters.

"I just told you I want to be *spanked*! I've never told anyone that before, don't you see how special you are to me, baby!"

This, I blame the 'gift theory' of submission for.

 

[Marquis]

Again, I guess that coating it into Master teaching the art of submission sounds better to them than Jack spanking her ass and getting a blow job.

This is the ultimate irony to me, because there is nothing I get off on harder than keeping it as close to the ground as possible. Jack spanking her ass and getting a blow job is exactly how I want it.

 

[FurryFury]

My understanding was that the OP was new to all this, just starting out her journey. I figured, with time, she'd learn that she didn't need to be taught to submit but to simply, with the right person, do so.

 

[Primalex]

My understanding was that the OP was new to all this, just starting out her journey. I figured, with time, she'd learn that she didn't need to be taught to submit but to simply, with the right person, do so.

Sure, sure. Unfortunately I can't think of a smartass sentence that includes the words "furry" and "turncoat" right now. If someone finds one, insert it there:

____________________________________________

 

[FurryFury]

?????

 

[dirtyblonde69]

When I posted on here I was looking for advice and perspective - that was not an open invitation to belittle my situation or insult me as you see fit (not what I would expect from the Lit community). For the main part I've received very constructive input from people and for that I am truly grateful. To those who seem to think that me starting the thread gives them the right to flame me any way they see fit - I'm not here as way for you to validate your own self worth/importance in the BDSM community.

Some seem to think that I've decided to use this as a flakey excuse to validate wanting to sleep with my friend - if it was just about getting my jollies then I'd have slept with him 4 years ago. Maybe I do need to think more about what it is that I want/need - but that's all part of the journey.

 

[Marquis]

When I posted on here I was looking for advice and perspective - that was not an open invitation to belittle my situation or insult me as you see fit (not what I would expect from the Lit community). For the main part I've received very constructive input from people and for that I am truly grateful. To those who seem to think that me starting the thread gives them the right to flame me any way they see fit - I'm not here as way for you to validate your own self worth/importance in the BDSM community.

Some seem to think that I've decided to use this as a flakey excuse to validate wanting to sleep with my friend - if it was just about getting my jollies then I'd have slept with him 4 years ago. Maybe I do need to think more about what it is that I want/need - but that's all part of the journey.

Well, surprisingly enough, no one actually said anything about sleeping with your friend.

The point is though, that there isn't anything wrong with getting your jollies and you're always going to come off as sneaky until you can accept that.

Do we need to do like a Good Will Hunting, "it's not your fault" kinda thing?

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Well, surprisingly enough, no one actually said anything about sleeping with your friend.

The point is though, that there isn't anything wrong with getting your jollies and you're always going to come off as sneaky until you can accept that.

Do we need to do like a Good Will Hunting, "it's not your fault" kinda thing?

Nope - you don't, validation was never the aim of the game. The comment about sleeping with my friend - there was someone who implied that this was all about a crush on my friend - so I was just giving some perspective on that. There will always be people who think I'm something I'm not - and make those assumptions/accusations on here - but that doesn't give them the right to do so. Funnily enough - the I've listend a lot to some of the things you, Madetotakeit and Furryfury have had to say - you seem to offer a more balanced view than most and that has been appreciated. Like I said, this is still a journey and I don't know where it's going to take me, but rest assured this isn't a decision I'll make lightly, or quickly (it's already something I've thought about for the last 9-10 years - but have burried because I convinced myself I didn't need to experience it). Who knows - maybe I'll realise I don't need to, but that's for me to figure out in the end.

 

[Marquis]

Nope - you don't, validation was never the aim of the game. The comment about sleeping with my friend - there was someone who implied that this was all about a crush on my friend - so I was just giving some perspective on that. There will always be people who think I'm something I'm not - and make those assumptions/accusations on here - but that doesn't give them the right to do so. Funnily enough - the I've listend a lot to some of the things you, Madetotakeit and Furryfury have had to say - you seem to offer a more balanced view than most and that has been appreciated. Like I said, this is still a journey and I don't know where it's going to take me, but rest assured this isn't a decision I'll make lightly, or quickly (it's already something I've thought about for the last 9-10 years - but have burried because I convinced myself I didn't need to experience it). Who knows - maybe I'll realise I don't need to, but that's for me to figure out in the end.

Well, burying is never good, so I'm glad you moving forward and also glad you're not taking it lightly.

This is the beginning of this journey for you and I think perhaps in time you may relate to some things that have been said in this thread from a different perspective. But it's a journey no one can take for you, so congratulations on taking it for yourself.

Just be as honest as you can with everyone you're dealing with, I think that's as much as anyone can expect from anyone else.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Well, burying is never good, so I'm glad you moving forward and also glad you're not taking it lightly.

This is the beginning of this journey for you and I think perhaps in time you may relate to some things that have been said in this thread from a different perspective. But it's a journey no one can take for you, so congratulations on taking it for yourself.

Just be as honest as you can with everyone you're dealing with, I think that's as much as anyone can expect from anyone else.

Thanks - honest is all I'm trying to be. You've been very helpful.

 

[JMohegan]

When I posted on here I was looking for advice and perspective - that was not an open invitation to belittle my situation or insult me as you see fit (not what I would expect from the Lit community). For the main part I've received very constructive input from people and for that I am truly grateful. To those who seem to think that me starting the thread gives them the right to flame me any way they see fit - I'm not here as way for you to validate your own self worth/importance in the BDSM community.

Some seem to think that I've decided to use this as a flakey excuse to validate wanting to sleep with my friend - if it was just about getting my jollies then I'd have slept with him 4 years ago. Maybe I do need to think more about what it is that I want/need - but that's all part of the journey.

The fact that you make reference to a "journey", and give a quick thanks to the females but a more elaborate and deferential "Thank you sir, your words have offered me some peace of mind" to Twysted, and talk about how you need to be taught to submit by an experienced Dom -- taken together, that all tells me that you've read about or somehow been exposed to (and at least partially smitten with) one form of BDSM culture. This is a largely romanticized culture, in which Dominants in general are placed on a pedestal and D/s is discussed as if it involves quasi-mythical levels of trust, personal fulfillment, and erotic potential.

I don't have a problem with those who embrace the romanticized version of D/s. If it makes all involved feel special, assuages their fears or stress or insecurities in a confusing world, makes them happy, gets them off, whatever - no problem. I sincerely wish them well.

But that doesn't mean that I believe romanticized D/s is a good idea for all people, and in particular (given your stated goal of D/s with your husband), I don't think that embracing a romanticized view of D/s is a good idea for *you* at this time.

Therefore, I urge you to set aside your hurt feelings and resentment at the discussion here. Re-read the thread and think carefully about everything that was written. If you really want to pursue kink with your husband, then the ones whom you think aren't doing you any favors may, in fact, be saying *exactly* what you need to hear.

 

[Primalex]

When I posted on here I was looking for advice and perspective - that was not an open invitation to belittle my situation or insult me as you see fit (not what I would expect from the Lit community). For the main part I've received very constructive input from people and for that I am truly grateful. To those who seem to think that me starting the thread gives them the right to flame me any way they see fit - I'm not here as way for you to validate your own self worth/importance in the BDSM community.

Oh, baby, you are a WEB-VIRGIN!

Okay, let me teach you the basic internet communication laws:

1) Asking a question does not mean to get the kind of answer you expect.
2) Asking a question does not mean to understand the answer you will hear.
3) The more you insist on getting a specific kind of answer, the more likely you will not get the kind of answer.
4) If you are looking for affirmation, the mathematical probability that at least one posting will not be affirmative is exactly 1.


And last but not least:
Dear dirty... blonde... 69...your sole purpose is my personal entertainment and there is nothing you can do about it. Now you can head back to your husband and ask him to forgive you for being such a dumb slut.