Sub Club for females

[KinkE]

Question 5? (or is it 4?)

Thanks to everybody for posting and sharing

I have been busy moving from my apartment as well as studying for finals this week and have had very little spare time for extracurricular activities.

I want ya’ll to know I appreciate all the advice and interaction, whether or not I agree with what you say, I know I am learning and growing from it, that’s what counts, right?

Those of you who have sent me PM's, I thank you and I promise to reply just as soon as I get a free moment.

So how about I ask you all to talk to me about the term “Vanilla”

What I gather from reading posts on lit, I’m thinking its a term that best describes all that is not BDSM. So my questions are
1. Where does Vanilla end?
2. Do you prefer to go in and out of Vanilla?
3. Is it a goal to remove Vanilla aspects?

You post and I’ll read….thanks!

ps. finals are Thur, Fri & Sat. (wish me luck?!?)

 

[CutieMouse]

So how about I ask you all to talk to me about the term “Vanilla”

What I gather from reading posts on lit, I’m thinking its a term that best describes all that is not BDSM. So my questions are
1. Where does Vanilla end?

[personal opinion]

Think of it like a bell curve - sexually speaking, on one end you have "pure vanilla" - married, procreative, missionary position, lights out, pleasure is secondary PIV sex. On the other end you have no-limits gang banging fuck toy. Everyone else kinda floats around in the middle, wherever they fit best.

2. Do you prefer to go in and out of Vanilla?

I was asked last night to sent a text when I woke up this morning, reminding someone to cancel an appointment, which I happily did. Was I being ["vanilla"] helpful, or [D/s] submissive?

3. Is it a goal to remove Vanilla aspects?

Why? And how would you interact with society around you, if you had zero "vanilla" traits?

 

[Netzach]

[personal opinion]

Think of it like a bell curve - sexually speaking, on one end you have "pure vanilla" - married, procreative, missionary position, lights out, pleasure is secondary PIV sex.

OK, bone to pick with the community.

Vanilla sex isn't the same as crap ass dull sex. In fact crap ass dull sex could be a submissive obligation in D/s, too.

I'd say there are two axes in play.

One - is the sex fetishistic?

Two - is the sex mutualistic?

When both of these things rate high, you have vanilla.

And it can still be some pretty engaged, fun, and good sex.

 

[CutieMouse]

OK, bone to pick with the community.

Vanilla sex isn't the same as crap ass dull sex. In fact crap ass dull sex could be a submissive obligation in D/s, too.

I'd say there are two axes in play.

One - is the sex fetishistic?

Two - is the sex mutualistic?

When both of these things rate high, you have vanilla.

And it can still be some pretty engaged, fun, and good sex.

Yeah I typed on the fly, and while running errands went... ohhhh meh that was waaaay too simplisticly boring and not quite it. Bad me.

But then in my head I went "Define vanilla.... June Cleaver? Wait... no... you can twist that into a domestic discipline/head of household thing, which can be kinky. Define vanilla... Ummmmm.... [blank]"

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Vanilla to me is anything that doesn't involve a power exchange. Most of my day to day activities and chores would seem mind-numbingly vanilla to an outsider but I know that I'm acting within my role as a slave. On a good day, I can fetishize anything from ironing shirts upwards.

My interactions with people other than Master and on behalf of same, have no power exchange involved. I view that as the vanilla side to my life. In that case, helpfulness is just helpfulness, not a burning desire to be submissive to everyone I encounter.

We have sex that ranges from gentle and 'vanilla' through to 'nasty kinky shit' but the difference with us is that Master decides what's going to happen and remains in ultimate control throughout. That would not be the case with a vanilla couple having gentle, sensual sex.

So for me it's all about the mindset.

 

[LifelongCyn]

1.How long was your longest relationship? 18 years last month
2.Shortest? a few months
3.Is there such thing as relationship longevity in Cyberspace? yes

4. My experience with poly: I am married and have a separate relationship with my PYL and another s-type, my "sister" as it were. (FWIW, everyone knows about everyone.) I became infatuated with my PYL and my sister when we were all unattached and flirting here on the board. We clicked as a trio and our relationship grew from there. We are primarily online, although we have met for a week long visit and are hoping to meet again soon. So, on the surface of things, it looks like I'd qualify for poly, but I don't consider myself as such. I love my husband and I wouldn't want to try to incorporate anyone else within the dynamic of our relationship. I love my M and my sister, but I don't think that I could incorporate anyone else into that relationship, either. I view what we have as unique, and I would not look for a similar situation if ours were to end. I don't have jealous feelings about the relationship my M and my sister have together, but I definitely do not want anyone to go outside outside our trio nor do I want my husband to take a lover. (I am fully aware of the implications of that statement. lol) Bottom line, at the moment I'm in love with 3 people, but I don't see that as essential to my happiness in a relationship and it's not something that I would actively seek out.

5. Re: vanilla

Again, what is vanilla? Recently my M and I were discussing a sample contract that he had gotten at a munch. It had a whole section on how the slave would wait until his Mistress was seated before sitting himself, he would serve her food first, make sure the home was neat when she came home from work, and essentially defer to her comfort. My M made a comment about how I naturally do these things for him and pointed to that as indicating my slave nature. However, I pointed out I that do these same things for my vanilla husband. In my family, this is called being female. lol This is how I care for the people that I love. I don't eroticize it. But for someone who isn't raised with the same expectations, mandating such behavior could be kinky as hell.

Ramdom thoughts: I have to agree with CutieMouse and others who expressed concern about your PYL informing you that you were "owned". Defining limits is very important to new relationships of all types, even ones that are "just" online. Among other things, it avoids misunderstandings and heartache. Even if your PYL doesn't follow all of the formalities of a contract, you at least need to have a discussion about what your submission means to you and him. I know it's hard at this stage when you don't really know what you want and want to try everything, but go through the Library and look up BDSM checklists and contracts. It will give you a starting point from which to begin the discussion with your PYL.

Also, a safeword is very important even when you are only online. I have a very hard time saying "no" to my M. In fact, I could barely speak to him when we first started a D/s relationship even though we'd had months of friendly conversation previously. When he used that certain "tone", whether typing or speaking, I would simply lose the ability. lol Having a simple word that said slow down or stop, with no explanation required, makes it easier. Also, I have never safeworded due to physical discomfort. Psycholgical and emotional boundaries are just as valid.

So good luck, KinkE, with your exams and your exploration. Be smart, be safe, have fun.

 

[dear_prudence]

Hey KinkE... are you all moved and finals all finished? How is everything going?

 

[KinkE]

Vanilla to me is anything that doesn't involve a power exchange. Most of my day to day activities and chores would seem mind-numbingly vanilla to an outsider but I know that I'm acting within my role as a slave. On a good day, I can fetishize anything from ironing shirts upwards.

My interactions with people other than Master and on behalf of same, have no power exchange involved. I view that as the vanilla side to my life. In that case, helpfulness is just helpfulness, not a burning desire to be submissive to everyone I encounter.

We have sex that ranges from gentle and 'vanilla' through to 'nasty kinky shit' but the difference with us is that Master decides what's going to happen and remains in ultimate control throughout. That would not be the case with a vanilla couple having gentle, sensual sex.

So for me it's all about the mindset.

I love this view! It makes total sense to me.
Obviously I have not yet spent time with Master in person, but when the time comes I can see how this would befit my situation entirely.

 

[KinkE]

[personal opinion]

I was asked last night to sent a text when I woke up this morning, reminding someone to cancel an appointment, which I happily did. Was I being ["vanilla"] helpful, or [D/s] submissive?

This is way cool to ponder, especially for a freak perfectionist like me.
It's been like a double-edged sword always wanting to give 100% even when I know no one might ever care or even give a damn about it. Father always said if you’re not giving 100% leave it alone for someone who will, and for years that had been my driving force, you know, be a good girl and do as you’re told.

Now if I put into context of working or studying and doing every single thing I do from my sub perspective, the reward seems far greater than if I am doing it just because it is what I learned as a child, not to minimize my Father’s teaching, but the idea of keeping Master pleased is a goal for me, except of course when I’m defiant on purpose hoping it might earn me a good spanking!

Why? And how would you interact with society around you, if you had zero "vanilla" traits?

I wouldn’t know why any would want to or not want to, which is why I asked. Aren't there lifetylers that live the life 24/7?


Thank you again sweet lady for sharing!

 

[KinkE]

OK, bone to pick with the community.

Vanilla sex isn't the same as crap ass dull sex. In fact crap ass dull sex could be a submissive obligation in D/s, too.

I'd say there are two axes in play.

One - is the sex fetishistic?

Two - is the sex mutualistic?

When both of these things rate high, you have vanilla.

And it can still be some pretty engaged, fun, and good sex.

Makes total sense! Being this is my first D/s relationship, all other experiences were obviously "Vanilla" and I'm not complaining about it! Personally, I now understand that incorporating the D/s element into my daily rituals is highly erotic, though I do believe it is a mental thing that I am able to relax and let go of my previous hangups about being percieved as kinky, slutty and all else I always knew I was during hot sex.

 

[KinkE]

3.Is there such thing as relationship longevity in Cyberspace? yes

Any chance I can convince you to share a bit more on this?

4. My experience with poly: I am married and have a separate relationship with my PYL and another s-type, my "sister" as it were. (FWIW, everyone knows about everyone.) I became infatuated with my PYL and my sister when we were all unattached and flirting here on the board. We clicked as a trio and our relationship grew from there. We are primarily online, although we have met for a week long visit and are hoping to meet again soon. So, on the surface of things, it looks like I'd qualify for poly, but I don't consider myself as such. I love my husband and I wouldn't want to try to incorporate anyone else within the dynamic of our relationship. I love my M and my sister, but I don't think that I could incorporate anyone else into that relationship, either. I view what we have as unique, and I would not look for a similar situation if ours were to end. I don't have jealous feelings about the relationship my M and my sister have together, but I definitely do not want anyone to go outside outside our trio nor do I want my husband to take a lover. (I am fully aware of the implications of that statement. lol) Bottom line, at the moment I'm in love with 3 people, but I don't see that as essential to my happiness in a relationship and it's not something that I would actively seek out.

This is something Master and I discussed hypothetically, kinda like checking out each other’s reaction and I don’t know if it will or won’t happen, but I guess I’m still pretty iffy about it. There’s a part of me that just wants to let loose and explore my sexuality fully, again, living up to my 100% credo trying to release that craving for Kink that I cant seem to satiate. I want to be free to without limiting myself for fear, but again I admit jealousy made an appearance and I can’t deny it.

5. Re: vanilla
Again, what is vanilla? Recently my M and I were discussing a sample contract that he had gotten at a munch. It had a whole section on how the slave would wait until his Mistress was seated before sitting himself, he would serve her food first, make sure the home was neat when she came home from work, and essentially defer to her comfort. My M made a comment about how I naturally do these things for him and pointed to that as indicating my slave nature. However, I pointed out I that do these same things for my vanilla husband. In my family, this is called being female. lol This is how I care for the people that I love. I don't eroticize it. But for someone who isn't raised with the same expectations, mandating such behavior could be kinky as hell.

I was telling Master this week that as a little girl I remember my father getting home from his work day and mom had bathed herself and me and gotten us all dolled up after her daily routine of cleaning house and preparing our dinner. When he arrived, after sitting down in his favorite chair, I was instructed to take off his shoes for him. I would do this daily until I grew a little and homework became more intense which required much of my time. Did I actually live in a D/s environment all along? Is it just the idea of eroticizing in our minds that removes the Vanilla layer?

Ramdom thoughts: I have to agree with CutieMouse and others who expressed concern about your PYL informing you that you were "owned". Defining limits is very important to new relationships of all types, even ones that are "just" online. Among other things, it avoids misunderstandings and heartache. Even if your PYL doesn't follow all of the formalities of a contract, you at least need to have a discussion about what your submission means to you and him. I know it's hard at this stage when you don't really know what you want and want to try everything, but go through the Library and look up BDSM checklists and contracts. It will give you a starting point from which to begin the discussion with your PYL.

Thank you for your concern, I genuinely appreciate it. I have been to the Library to check out the lists and contracts. I guess being I’m so new, Master has taken it into account and has not or is not demanding and pushing me to do anything that has made me uncomfortable (yet) He leaves the door open for discussion and welcomes my feedback after each new lesson. I’m feeling good about it.

Also, a safeword is very important even when you are only online. I have a very hard time saying "no" to my M. In fact, I could barely speak to him when we first started a D/s relationship even though we'd had months of friendly conversation previously. When he used that certain "tone", whether typing or speaking, I would simply lose the ability. lol Having a simple word that said slow down or stop, with no explanation required, makes it easier. Also, I have never safeworded due to physical discomfort. Psycholgical and emotional boundaries are just as valid.


This we have not discussed yet, but I will bring it up next time I meet with him.

So good luck, KinkE, with your exams and your exploration. Be smart, be safe, have fun.

I did good on exams and am now enjoying my short summer vacation. School starts up again the 26th... bleh! j/k.. Im a total nerd and I love school, though I do wish I had more time to log on and see what's going on in here , I think I miss out on alot
Thanks for all your input!

 

[KinkE]

Question 6

It's really not a question at all, but a request for anyone who would like to share, and I really hope you do.

I recently learned the significance of "getting collared". I mean WOW!

Of course, after finding myself so surprised at the new info I knew it served to reinforce the fact I know next to zilch about this lifestyle.

So my request is to all you s's and D’s alike, please share your experience of getting collard or collaring, AND please post on other subjects which you consider invaluable info to a newbie like me. Don’t hesitate to jump right in and open the discussion for it. I am anxious and eager to learn and who better to teach me than ya’ll with the experience?

Thanks in advance and Peace!

 

[Sayyid]

I have never collared anyone. It's a serious gesture, one I'm not sure I'm ready for.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have no intention of ever being collared, nor any desire to wear one. LOL

 

[Adakgirl]

Certainly not I.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I have no desire to formalise the D/s aspects of a relationship with a collaring.

But I *do* really want to get married.

*shrugs*

 

[Sayyid]

Can't a collar be merely an aesthetic device, rather than a symbol?

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Can't a collar be merely an aesthetic device, rather than a symbol?

Yes, of course.

I assumed KinkE meant the ceremony of collaring and implications of such.

As a play item, it certainly has it's uses, I'll agree.

 

[knickerla]

I am a submissive little girl and I always do what I am told. Once I was order to strip down to just my knickers and then let a group of guy all masturbate over me, they shot their cum all over my pretty little body.

 

[Bandit58]

My collar (a snake chain necklace) arrived in the mail from eBay the month before our wedding ceremony. I was wearing it under the race suit I got married in (we got married at a speedway in Sydney, both of us in race suits, Sir with a black top hat and me with a white wedding veil!). So our wedding was both - a wedding AND a collaring, except no one else knew about it

 

[ecstaticsub]

I was collared without a collar. We didn't have a ceremony just a few serious minutes before play. My "collar" is a simple gold ring that I wear between the engagement and wedding rings my husband gave me. It is something I can wear 24/7 anywhere anytime without drawing attention. But I know it's there.