Sub Club for females

[bakedbeams]

URL="http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=182795"]This thread[/URL] is full of humor and sound advice for new submissives; you might consider it more genteel in its delivery, than myself.

Have started reading the thread ... I honestly hope that the examples given aren't indicative of anyones online thats being referred to here !!

 

[dear_prudence]

I will give you that my response was quite blunt in its delivery. I took a few moments before my date showed up this evening to skim the boards and felt the idea of being told one was "owned" without express consent to be troublesome. I did not have time to mince words, yet felt compelled to respond.

I responded bluntly, forcefully, and strongly - because it's really really easy to walk into this [BDSM/submission] naive and/or blind, and wake up one day realizing you've been used, or mistreated, or stuck in an unhealthy relationship. There are things that are considered red flags for a reason; I viewed the comments made @ being "informed" of ownership as one of them.

This thread is full of humor and sound advice for new submissives; you might consider it more genteel in its delivery, than myself.

does this mean we're still friends ?

 

[MisterSir]

So forgive me for barging in here unceremoniously, but this is the thread for female subs and I have a question for them. Namely, why is it so hard for me to find one of your kind at my young age? I've scoured personals, the Internet, asked around and the closest I came to finding a willing partner was a female domme who wasn't really into the idea, naturally. Am I just doing it wrong, or do I need to be more patient? I thought female submissives were common. In fact, I've heard finding suitable female dommes is hard, which is why men stereotypically resort to professional dominatrixes.

It is a long, dull, unpleasant and gruelling ordeal that you have to be prepared to undertake with the understanding that the chances are good that it will never happen for you, purely because male dominants searching for female submissives are by far and away the most common category of people searching on the Internet and, since they can pretty much pick and choose who they reply to and ninety percent of all female submissives want their men to be experienced, if you're not experienced you're pretty much SOL. Add to that the astronomical number of Horny Net Geeks out there posing as male dominants searching for female submissives whose interests in the scene extend no further than getting their dicks wet and who tarnish the reputation of the real McCoys, and that places like this are a hotbed for fakes and trolls, and: tl;dr summary - you've gotta be patient.

 

[HisSexyPet]

B and I had a discussion the other day about how our relationship has progressed. We started out as online only. This is where KinKE and Prudence are now. This was hot and heavy cybering and also getting to know each others everyday likes and dislikes, i.e. music, food, movies, etc.
When he drove down to meet me and our eyes met and we melted into each other, that is when it became LDR. True, online is a type of LDR but until you meet and touch it is not LDR as talked about here on these forums.
Our next step is when he moves down here after my personal issues are settled and we become 24/7.
I seem to have been looking at the online only through LDR eyes and mixing up my responses.

Adakgirl, thank you for that great post about online predators. I wish I had that list when I first started. But live and learn. That is why this thread is so great. Everyone sharing their experiences and learning from other's mistakes and/or successes.

Here's to keeping our minds open and our lines of communication open.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Owned. It is a very powerful word in my opinion. Daddy and I refer to myself his owned submissive. In our eyes this is different then an owned slave, or an unowned submissive. (all slaves on the other hand are owned) But everyone will have a different opinion of what being owned really is.

When I agreed to be owned I gave up the right to tell him no. If I am having difficulty with saying yes, then I have a right to discuss it with him but in the end he has the final word.

I have had discussions with people that have said it is not possible to be owned in a LDR. What makes it possible is the concept of ownership is really a state of mind. It doesn't matter how far away someone is from another that state of mind is still possible. My PYL will always own me. Even if the relationship comes to an end he will still own me. I will never give myself to another Dominant.

An important part of ownership for me is that I will be what he needs me to be. If he wants to beat me, wrap me in saranwrap, piss on me or be that Evil Ogre that so turns me on...or if he has his off times where he wants me just to massage his back, feed him, and listen to him. The in sickness or health for richer for poorer part of wedding vows come to mind. I'm not just his as a sex toy, I'm his for what ever needs he has from the nastiest of kinkyness to the purest of vanilla activities.

That's real life ownership to me.

 

[HisSexyPet]

... I'm not just his as a sex toy, I'm his for what ever needs he has from the nastiest of kinkyness to the purest of vanilla activities.

That's real life ownership to me.

This is my concept of ownership also. Very well said.

 

[MisterSir]

Owned. It is a very powerful word in my opinion. Daddy and I refer to myself his owned submissive. In our eyes this is different then an owned slave, or an unowned submissive. (all slaves on the other hand are owned) But everyone will have a different opinion of what being owned really is.

Asking a question I think I already know the answer to, if you acknowledge that you're owned and that you've given up the right to refuse, what makes you a submissive rather than a slave? (the answer, in my head, being "because neither of us think I'm a slave)

 

[ecstaticsub]

Asking a question I think I already know the answer to, if you acknowledge that you're owned and that you've given up the right to refuse, what makes you a submissive rather than a slave? (the answer, in my head, being "because neither of us think I'm a slave)

The answer is because I don't live with him. It is a LDR. I have a husband and children that are more of a priority than he is. Daddy has a family also who come first in his life also. By putting my family first I am still obeying Daddy because that is what he wants me to do.

In my own mind it is not possible to be a slave long distance or on-line. I can be as devoted, as in love as as committed as a slave who lives with their Master but it is not the same. So in my mind I am not entitled to be called "slave".

 

[Sayyid]

How long have you been looking, where/how have you been looking, and what do you bring to the table?

Since my last partner and I split up (about six months), through personal contacts and online, and I am relatively inexperienced but am very open-willing and willing to experiment. The last one, I think, will be the real kicker here.

It is a long, dull, unpleasant and gruelling ordeal that you have to be prepared to undertake with the understanding that the chances are good that it will never happen for you, purely because male dominants searching for female submissives are by far and away the most common category of people searching on the Internet and, since they can pretty much pick and choose who they reply to and ninety percent of all female submissives want their men to be experienced, if you're not experienced you're pretty much SOL.

Yeah, I think you're right.

 

[bakedbeams]

An important part of ownership for me is that I will be what he needs me to be. If he wants to beat me, wrap me in saranwrap, piss on me or be that Evil Ogre that so turns me on...or if he has his off times where he wants me just to massage his back, feed him, and listen to him. The in sickness or health for richer for poorer part of wedding vows come to mind. I'm not just his as a sex toy, I'm his for what ever needs he has from the nastiest of kinkyness to the purest of vanilla activities.

That too is my understanding, its absolutely and utterly TOTAL

Adakgirl I wish I'd had that list when I was involved with my first D/s relationship. It may not have ended so badly.

Sayyid, I've never had an online D/s. I met both my PYLs as dates and our relationships progressed to D/s. Is it that you only want an online? or is it difficult to meet someone in 'all' facits... dating, online whatever? I admit that I had an awful lot of unfulfilling 'vanilla' relationships in the middle. Is that what you are finding??

I would like to pose a question from my own bank of inexperience I hope that this question will also relate to LDR and online, if it doesnt please tell me to shut up!! Sir and I date, we get together about twice a week. As the pyl I've found in the past that after an intense time, I become quiet 'down' for a few days afterwards. I can only describe it as feeling adrift. I've realised that Sir, this time is reacting in the same way. He actually sounds depressed!! Are others experiencing this? Is this what happens when we arent in a live in and we cant come back to reality comforted by the other over a lengthy period of time? Is this what others are feeling when the monitor goes off? When the phone is hung up????

 

[Sayyid]

Sayyid, I've never had an online D/s. I met both my PYLs as dates and our relationships progressed to D/s. Is it that you only want an online? or is it difficult to meet someone in 'all' facits... dating, online whatever? I admit that I had an awful lot of unfulfilling 'vanilla' relationships in the middle. Is that what you are finding?

I don't want someone whom I know purely over the internet, but that's a place where I'm looking with the hopes of finding some to be with in real life.

My relationships have been mostly vanilla, but bordering on some light kink at times. I just wish more women a) had as much of a sex drive as me and b) were more open minded. I just want a cute painslut around my age, is that so much to ask? Apparently.

 

[Homburg]

I
1.How long was your longest relationship?
2.Shortest?
3.Is there such thing as relationship longevity in Cyberspace?

1) Erm, 18 years in October

2) About three months

3) No idea. There is longevity in LDR, certainly. I can think of more than a few that are going on 3-4+ years. Captians Wench is going on three years at least, and they met for the first time a few months back. But pure cyber? No clue.

Honestly, most pure cyber relationships strike me as pretty disposable. Have you ever heard the advice to go ask for something difficult in person vs doing it over the phone? It is harder for a person to refuse you face to face than over the phone. Email and IM are even more distant and removed. It's not too godawful tough for one party to turn off the computer, y'know? Email can be spam-filed, IM's can be blocked, etc. Pretty easy to make that person disappear from your life.

It is my understanding that often some relationships extend to include other subs and I wonder how I will deal with that when and if the time comes.
Is there Jealousy? Is there ranking?

Sure, and they can extend to include other doms, switches, vanilla people, and, for the truly twisted, pillow covers.

Check the "polyamory" thread for people with better things to say than I have, by the way.

Anyway, I do have two lovely ladies, and consider myself dead lucky to have them both. viv and I have been together for 18 years, and MIS joined us about a year and a half ago. She started long distance, cyber only actually. We started visiting and longer visits, then she moved in recently.

I consider it my prerogative to do as I wish regarding others in our relationship due to our dynamic. The reality of this, however, is that I temper my outside interests, limited as they are, with an eye towards safety, and the psychological and emotional health of all involved. And, a HUGE nod towards my own capacity to process the whole thing. This means that I have viv, and I have MIS, and that is pretty much what I've got time for.

There is jealousy. Jealousy is a human thing. The important thing is to recognise it, own it, and understaqnd that jealousy is a symptom, not a problem in itself. Jealousy is based on any number of factors, but most deal with perceived lack of worth, or lack of security, on the part of the person feeling jealous.

Unpredictablebijou has some really good stuff to say on jealousy in the polyamory thread. You should check it out.

As to rankings, yeah, some people do it. I don't. People are people. Yes, the relationships are different, but I don't somehow rank viv or MIS over the other. I don't see any worth in that idea.

 

[bakedbeams]

I don't want someone whom I know purely over the internet, but that's a place where I'm looking with the hopes of finding some to be with in real life.

My relationships have been mostly vanilla, but bordering on some light kink at times. I just wish more women a) had as much of a sex drive as me and b) were more open minded. I just want a cute painslut around my age, is that so much to ask? Apparently.

I know in my lifetime I've only ever met 2 PYLs, but then I've never actively looked. Perhaps munches as someone suggested, otherwise I think you are right the net is a probably a good place to start putting yourself out there.

 

[Sayyid]

I know in my lifetime I've only ever met 2 PYLs, but then I've never actively looked. Perhaps munches as someone suggested, otherwise I think you are right the net is a probably a good place to start putting yourself out there.

I've had a few, mostly though random chance.

I would go to a munch if I knew the location and time of one.

 

[bakedbeams]

Now I recall a thread ages ago where someone put a link to an international BDSM list. In the mean time, I'd just try and google BDSM and your local area, you never know what might turn up.

Hey good luck

 

[Anomily]

4. The Submissive's Personal Warning Signals:

These are items that a submissive should pay attention to if she is saying them to herself or hearing them from others.

1. I feel he is just too good to be true.
2. You are hearing consistent warnings from more that one person.
3. Your instincts are whispering " something is not right about this person ".

The entire post was brilliant but this is the part that stuck out at me. A few months ago I got out of a relationship of almost 2 years that, if I had paid attention to these warning signs, would likely never have happened. It wasn't even a particularly kinky relationship but it certainly taught me the difference between kink and abuse. He only hit me (in the bad way) once but he never had my trust again. No one will ever get my trust as easily again and I'm glad for that. Trust should be earned over time, not given freely because it feels good.

KinkE, I am fairly inexperienced as a sub as well but I still feel like I want to speak up here. You are not depriving yourself of anything if you choose to go a little slower, to actually meet this guy in person before surrendering yourself completely. Online play is good and fun and encouraged but you really don't know him. My last relationship started out in person and I was still fooled about who he was for a long time. I thought he was a nice guy who liked to party and, though he had a troubled past, was really trying to make the best of himself. What I got was a self centered, emotionally abusive, alcoholic jerk who had no respect for me and ended up having the capacity to hit me in anger. This was not play, it was not D/s, it was not fun.

If this guy is really worth it then all the best to you both. But if he were really that wonderful I don't think that he would assume ownership of you without asking first, especially not so soon. Be careful. Don't give out too much information. If you do meet, make it in public and if you must be alone together, set up a safe call. A broken heart is one thing but real physical danger is another that you have to consider.

We're probably about the same age (I'm 22) and neither of us have a lot of experience so don't think I'm trying to talk down to you because I'm not. I just don't want to see someone get hurt because lust is fun and it's easy to trust and get caught up in things seeking new and exciting experiences. We're both young with lots of time but really, doesn't it cheapen the whole thing just a little if all it takes is a surface attraction for you to declare complete and total devotion? You know you like his outer layers. Learn about the rest of him, too. It takes time but it's worth it.

 

[JMohegan]

So forgive me for barging in here unceremoniously, but this is the thread for female subs and I have a question for them. Namely, why is it so hard for me to find one of your kind at my young age? I've scoured personals, the Internet, asked around and the closest I came to finding a willing partner was a female domme who wasn't really into the idea, naturally. Am I just doing it wrong, or do I need to be more patient? I thought female submissives were common. In fact, I've heard finding suitable female dommes is hard, which is why men stereotypically resort to professional dominatrixes.

Before the Internet, widespread munches, dungeons, fetish clubs, a thriving hetero subculture of BDSM, and a host of easily obtainable kinky self-help literature, lots of people were experimenting with and enjoying power & pain in the bedroom.

We didn't have access to the world at our fingertips, but we did have creativity, powers of persuasion, and other basic social skills - all of which made the uncovering & developing of the kinky desires of friends and lovers a realistic possibility.

Come to think of it, this may be more the power of reduced expectations than anything else. That's the advantage we had, back in the day.

If you don't consider the sudden appearance of a full-fledged, kinky s-type to be a realistic possibility, then you take people who are compatible in more traditional bf/gf respects and work from there. You develop an instinct for identifying amenable individuals, and become adept at the language and physical skills necessary to introduce them to power & pain, in an erotic context, without scaring them off.

 

[jenniferbaby]

I have a few questions that i hope won't get me flamed ...

So when you first discovered your Dom or sub online, who approached who first? Did you take time in email and chat to get to know each other? How much of each other.... not just the requisite 'what is expected' but share likes (music/food/books/whatever)?... so did the relationship build up over even a small period of time? This is a question for the mainly cyber relationships I guess... I don't see myself and my Dom (how weird to say that for me...will I ever get over that?) ever meeting in person... I'm not even sure yet I want to talk on the phone to him... but it did begin quickly and I kind of feel like a girl who slept with the boy on the first date... (and i'm too old to feel that way!!)

I have an online Dom I've been with for five months or so. When I first came to Lit, I put out an ad for cybersex, knowing nothing about BDSM or even guessing my interest in it. This man answered my post and we began IMing, not even about sex at first. Eventually we got to the point of discussing sex and he asked me about some of my other cyber experiences. I told him I liked when men were dominant with me and he seemed to have a strong interest in that. In more conversations over the next few weeks, he revealed to me that he is extremely dominant offline, having had several D/s relationships over the years, and we discussed whether or not I'd be ready for or interested in something like that. I'd say about a month after we first started chatting, we had our first D/s encounter.

These first encounters were strictly IM and typing and neither of us knew what each other looked like. After about a month of this I got on cam for him and he gave me pics. After a couple months of this, he also got a cam which he uses on occasion and we introduced voice chat. The combination of my being on cam while he's not on cam and listening to him command me is one of the hottest things I've experienced.

I don't think we will ever meet as we both live very far from each other and have very different lives, but I'll never say it will never happen. The process for us was much slower than I've experienced with other men online, and that might be the reason it has lasted much longer than other online relationships.

 

[Sayyid]

Before the Internet, widespread munches, dungeons, fetish clubs, a thriving hetero subculture of BDSM, and a host of easily obtainable kinky self-help literature, lots of people were experimenting with and enjoying power & pain in the bedroom.

We didn't have access to the world at our fingertips, but we did have creativity, powers of persuasion, and other basic social skills - all of which made the uncovering & developing of the kinky desires of friends and lovers a realistic possibility.

Come to think of it, this may be more the power of reduced expectations than anything else. That's the advantage we had, back in the day.

If you don't consider the sudden appearance of a full-fledged, kinky s-type to be a realistic possibility, then you take people who are compatible in more traditional bf/gf respects and work from there. You develop an instinct for identifying amenable individuals, and become adept at the language and physical skills necessary to introduce them to power & pain, in an erotic context, without scaring them off.

I suppose you're right. It's hard for me to imagine that time, because I had to access to the internet from a young age, and indeed it's where I discovered BDSM for the first time (to my impressionable preteen mind, who knew there was porn involving those weird fantasies I had involving handcuffs and dungeons, much less oodles of it?). But because I'm so used to the internet as a readily available tool, I've been neglecting real world interactions, as least as far as finding a play partner foes. It happens to the best of us.

 

[Netzach]

Before the Internet, widespread munches, dungeons, fetish clubs, a thriving hetero subculture of BDSM, and a host of easily obtainable kinky self-help literature, lots of people were experimenting with and enjoying power & pain in the bedroom.

We didn't have access to the world at our fingertips, but we did have creativity, powers of persuasion, and other basic social skills - all of which made the uncovering & developing of the kinky desires of friends and lovers a realistic possibility.

Come to think of it, this may be more the power of reduced expectations than anything else. That's the advantage we had, back in the day.

If you don't consider the sudden appearance of a full-fledged, kinky s-type to be a realistic possibility, then you take people who are compatible in more traditional bf/gf respects and work from there. You develop an instinct for identifying amenable individuals, and become adept at the language and physical skills necessary to introduce them to power & pain, in an erotic context, without scaring them off.

That's not without merit. It's just that I've met so many people of this generation who are in situations like "she was so Dominant outside the bedroom, I don't understand why my wife won't have any of it in the bedroom - " Or vice versa.


I think there's a middle path. Sometimes people are so excited about mutual kink they try and build relationships off that entirely, which doesn't work. But I'm of the school of thought that explicit sexuality discussion on the table early on can save a LOAD of missed boats and miscommunication if you rely on indirect signals and subtleties.

Consider this carefully.

I've had much more personal success with a series of non-negotiable interests formulated prior to involvement. If there wasn't interest in these interests, I had no willingness to subject myself to a waiting testing persuasion period on those things.

 

[ecstaticsub]

<<snip>>

I would like to pose a question from my own bank of inexperience I hope that this question will also relate to LDR and online, if it doesnt please tell me to shut up!! Sir and I date, we get together about twice a week. As the pyl I've found in the past that after an intense time, I become quiet 'down' for a few days afterwards. I can only describe it as feeling adrift. I've realised that Sir, this time is reacting in the same way. He actually sounds depressed!! Are others experiencing this? Is this what happens when we arent in a live in and we cant come back to reality comforted by the other over a lengthy period of time? Is this what others are feeling when the monitor goes off? When the phone is hung up????

It sounds like you are experiencing subdrop. Check for info in our BDSM library for more info. I feel it a bit after a visit but it really varies. Most of the time I am just really tired, sore and just plain down..like having to return to work after a perfect vacation.

I never experience anythng like that after a phone call or when closing the lid to my laptop. We don't do cyber-scenes. I also never do self-punishment or disipline or self-inflicted pain. There is no point to it for either of us.

 

[JMohegan]

That's not without merit. It's just that I've met so many people of this generation who are in situations like "she was so Dominant outside the bedroom, I don't understand why my wife won't have any of it in the bedroom - " Or vice versa.


I think there's a middle path. Sometimes people are so excited about mutual kink they try and build relationships off that entirely, which doesn't work. But I'm of the school of thought that explicit sexuality discussion on the table early on can save a LOAD of missed boats and miscommunication if you rely on indirect signals and subtleties.

Consider this carefully.

I've had much more personal success with a series of non-negotiable interests formulated prior to involvement. If there wasn't interest in these interests, I had no willingness to subject myself to a waiting testing persuasion period on those things.

If I were you, Netzach, I'd be having explicit non-negotiable interest discussions upfront too. The farther you get from mainstream expectations, the less likely it is that waiting testing persuasion will produce positive results.

As you know, I am totally uninterested in poly, not one to prefer bi partners, not into edge play or degradation or calling anybody my slave. I'm really just a sadist with control issues in and out of the bedroom. My sadist doesn't get off on kink for the sake of kink itself; it's the reaction that gets me going. Which means that starting at the beginning doesn't bother me in the slightest, and the edification process suits me just fine.

I don't know anything about Sayyid's needs and preferences. Possibly he's far more hardcore or sexually complex than I've ever been, or ever will be - in which case, yeah, the average coed is probably not a good prospect for him.

 

[ChuckEPenguin]

I don't want someone whom I know purely over the internet, but that's a place where I'm looking with the hopes of finding some to be with in real life.

My relationships have been mostly vanilla, but bordering on some light kink at times. I just wish more women a) had as much of a sex drive as me and b) were more open minded. I just want a cute painslut around my age, is that so much to ask? Apparently.

My feeling is that most people - women and men - are only just starting to figure out their sexuality in their early twenties. Yes, there are some who have it all, or mostly all, figured out but they're probably the minority. Also, bear in mind that girls are still often raised with the idea that only bad girls want sex, never mind kinky sex,so being open minded is not so easy.

 

[BlitzKrieger]

My feeling is that most people - women and men - are only just starting to figure out their sexuality in their early twenties. Yes, there are some who have it all, or mostly all, figured out but they're probably the minority. Also, bear in mind that girls are still often raised with the idea that only bad girls want sex, never mind kinky sex,so being open minded is not so easy.

You have the bolded statement dead on, right! I'm almost 30 and up until 2 months ago I was still very confused about which sexual role fit me. And, then Pet opened my mind to a lifestyle that I didn't even know existed. I knew right then that this was the life for me, and so I went and claimed her back from the online master she had and made her my own.

To drive the point that sexual identity can come at any age, Pet is more than a decade older than myself and just weeks before I claimed her she discovered her role as a Slave/Pet for herself. There is no time stamp on self-discovery.

If it had not been for the net, and these forums in particular, we both might have wondered through the rest of our lives not knowing who we really were or what would make us happy. Now, we know and we are eternally grateful for this place and all the wonderful people in it whom have helped us along this path of self-discovery and growth.

 

[LMs_ds]

Forgive me if this has been said

I haven't had the opportunity to read the entire thread and don't know if this "advice" has been offered but there's some info that can't be repeated too many times.

A few words of wisDom (shared by a couple of dom type mentors years ago.)

First and most importantly.....

Go s l o w l y.

What you're discovering about yourself and about your dom is worth it. In the excitement of "I want it all, NOW" (and I felt it myself) it's easy to forget that you're dealing with something that can be dangerous and incredibly painful. Even in cyber hearts get broken. And there are predators. Go slowly

2. Educate yourself

Read! Read everything you can get your hands on in relation to D&S. There are some terrific books out there. I recommend Bound To Be Free as a starter book. In fact, it's one that I still go back to occasionally. As I've grown in my submission parts have made more sense.

Check out websites. You'll find a wealth of information. Some won't fit you but some will.

A couple besides this one:

Fetlife.com
TheSlaveRegister.com
GloriaBrame.com
Cuffs.com

Ask questions. Subby types are among the most willing to help others learn but there are also Doms who will give you suggestions, explaining how they operate, without expecting anything other than the satisfaction of having helped put you on the path to what you need/want.

3. Don't let anyone tell you that there is only one way to do this. D&S or M&S is as varied as the people who practice it.

4. Steer clear of "PYLs" who insist that you submit to them instantly. Trust and respect take time. And that trust and respect should be earned by both parties. Submission is as valuable as Domination and should be treated that way.

5. Be careful.

Think before giving out too much personal information.

Before you meet anyone in person, give someone you trust information about who you're meeting (I've known people who've received photocopies of driver's licenses of the person being met) and where you're going. Either call them or have them call you periodically. Have a word that will let them know that something is wrong and you need help, NOW. Tell them to get help to you if you don't respond to the calls at all. I know, it sounds paranoid but there are sickos (not us of course! ) out there and better safe than dead.

6. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Limits, fears, desires....those should all be discussed when heads are level and before "passion" takes hold.


** 14 years of LDR with my Master. Cyber brought us together and keeps us connected when we can't be together physically.