subing and self-worth

[sweetnpetite]

Re: Re: subing and self-worth

Hi Sweetnpetite

I saw the following add several months ago. I was wondering
if this was the sort of ad you had in mind ?

What do you think of her ad ?


"ne1canspankme"
I am a 22 yo woman who wants to be spanked hard...

Profile: I love spanking...and anyother
fantasy...do w/ me what you will i want to be a
slave and fuck as many people who will...old or
young, fat or slim...i don't care anyone can
have my body...

Looking For: A man, a woman or a couple for
Erotic Chat or Email, 1-on-1 sex or Cross-Dressing

I think she has no sense of self. she doesn't know what she wants, she thinks that the only way to find whatever she's looking for is to let others abuse her. If she had any self love she would have said:

I love spanking and am sexually adventurous, would love to hear about and try out your fantasies. i find beauty in all body types and love variety. I am submissive and am seeking a dominant to act out my sex-slave fantasies. I am extremely kinky and seek same. Someone willing to explor and break every taboo. I've been very nauty....

now doesn't that sound more attractive?

 

[sweetnpetite]

the pic in the avatar is not mine. it just happened to be the one pic i had on my computer that was the right size. I like the pic, but not her face (I'm cuter- he he)

 

[Shadowsdream]

Do you thin that female dommes are more conciencece than their male counterparts? [and please don't take this as some kind of covert male bashing- I do that quite openly]

I think that male Doms are often looking for different things than Fem Dommes. The males seem to be more into the physical and sexual as a primary focus where the females appear to be more into using the mind to gain the control of the mind and the body.
Of course this is not a given as there are also females only interested in the physical and males who gain their biggest joy through the mind.
Males and females whether they be Dom/me or not, approach life from opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

[yuppietowngirl]

I have posted elsewhere, that I have seen profiles on lit and elsewhere where the woman says something like "you can' do whatever you want to me" and she seems to be trying to be submissive, but she just comes off as pathetic.

Personally when I see the comment "you can do whatever"...I feel that they have no clue what the lifestyle is about. That they think it is a game. Just my opinion on it.

 

[RoughPlay]

Re: Re: Re: subing and self-worth

I love spanking and am sexually adventurous, would love to hear about and try out your fantasies. i find beauty in all body types and love variety. I am submissive and am seeking a dominant to act out my sex-slave fantasies. I am extremely kinky and seek same. Someone willing to explor and break every taboo. I've been very nauty....

now doesn't that sound more attractive?

It certainly does, where can I sign up ?


I first saw the original ad some months ago before I was enlightened
(particularly by this site) on how fulfilling BDSM relationships are
meant to work.

It didn't seem that bad to me at the time but on further reflection,
particularly after reading this thread, I agree with you and Emmeline
that there is something badly wrong with this ad and the woman seems
to be asking for someone to abuse her. It sounds self destructive and
something to keep well away from.

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: subing and self-worth

"ne1canspankme"
I am a 22 yo woman who wants to be spanked hard...

Profile: I love spanking...and anyother
fantasy...do w/ me what you will i want to be a
slave and fuck as many people who will...old or
young, fat or slim...i don't care anyone can
have my body...

Looking For: A man, a woman or a couple for
Erotic Chat or Email, 1-on-1 sex or Cross-Dressing

I think if you note the "Erotic Chat or Email" it is pretty clear that this is a fantasy ad. 22 years old so probably a student with a fairly average and normal life who has found a little fantasy niche on the 'net. which is probably fairly harmless. (Although being 22 could also be part of the fantasy.)

On one hand she says she wants to be a slave and have sex with as many people as she can, but then she also mentions "1-on-1 sex"... as well crossing-dressing, and as her fantasy is being a slave, getting spanked hard and having sex with as many people as possible, I'm not sure how crossdressing works itself in there. Which makes me wonder if this individual is even female. (It's more common then one would think that men play being a woman on the net - much better odds of getting cyber sex particularly in BDSM as online fantasy.)

I doubt that any contact this individual makes ever goes beyond playing on the internet. She also never claims to be submissive - she clearly has her objective which is focused around taking any takers - nor does she claim to want a Dominant or a relationship. And, simply because she says in print that she takes all, does not make it in any way true. She may or may not. The ad reeks of someone who is desperately horny RIGHT NOW, and you really can't believe ads like this - they must be taken with a grain of salt.

I would stay away from this person because I would want more depth than a horny, get me off NOW, internet fantasy.

 

[Valcorie]

i agree that this add reeks of someone who is horny right NOW. She seems to want anything that is willing to come herway. i do not see this so much as a lack of self worth however.

An interesting point was made reguarding submissives and their self worth/esteem. my master and i were discussing this very point earlier in reguards to myself. i am someone that does not have extreemly high esteem, however if i see want i want i go for it. i am independent, capable, and present the image of high esteem. At the same time i always back down from a fight, hate confrontation, and am apassive person by nature. i need reassurance from my Master occationaly of self esteem, but not all of the time. Hugs, pats, gentle words, are enough to keep me going.

i am new to this but, i see the ideal sub as having a balance of esteem/and self doubt. If you have a slave that is extreemly confident in doing everything you every ask....were's the fun for you? If you, on the other hand have a slave who needs a hand to hold every step of the way, it would get to be a bit much.

Are there any Dom/me's who care to input what they look for as far as a balance of esteem/self doubt?


*Human head's are opaque and there's no way to see inside except for those tiny little windows the eyes. -Yegeny Zamyatin

 

[NemoAlia]

Happy birthday sweetnpetite!

 

[FungiUg]

Re: subbing and self-worth

I have posted elsewhere, that I have seen profiles on lit and elsewhere where the woman says something like "you can' do whatever you want to me" and she seems to be trying to be submissive, but she just comes off as pathetic. She doesn't seem to be saying that she enjoys being a pleaser, but just that perhaps thats the only way she knows to get a man. So this post is for dom/mes as well as subs to discuss the diference between a true submissive relationship and an abusive (physically and or mentally) one, about the importance of your own self worth in the context of being a sub, avoiding abusive relationships, guarding against giving out that pathetic pushover vibe I mentioned earlier, and anything else pretty much that relates to the subject. Fire away!

I have lived through abuse myself (as a child), and have no intention of carrying it over into any part of my life.

For me, a submissive isn't submitting to abuse in any fashion (or at least, not when she is with me.) This is one of the reasons why I don't like to use humiliation.

I like to stress to submissives who serve me that they can at any time say no, and that everything they do is consensual. Also, that being submissive doesn't make them worth less than myself as a Dominant. Rather it is a gift of control, and one which is very much appreciated!

In return, I use that control to take them places they have never been before (as it were.) So the act of submitting to me isn't without rewards, and hence, is ego building rather than otherwise.

And why shouldn't it be? A submissive (assuming a woman here) can be proud of her sexuality and her ability to serve someone so completely. After all, not everyone can. I love to use the phrase "discover your inner slut", and to be that's what it's about. Education, self discovery, and a journey of sexuality. And there is nothing abusive in that.

 

[FungiUg]

I think that male Doms are often looking for different things than Fem Dommes. The males seem to be more into the physical and sexual as a primary focus where the females appear to be more into using the mind to gain the control of the mind and the body.
Of course this is not a given as there are also females only interested in the physical and males who gain their biggest joy through the mind.
Males and females whether they be Dom/me or not, approach life from opposite ends of the spectrum.

I always hesitate over generalisations.

I know in my case I love the mental control. I don't often use physical control, bondage, and so on.

But then, I also love the sex. For me, D/s is purely sexual.

Of course, that's not to say you are incorrect. Perhaps generally male and female Dominants are after different things. But I have yet to meet someone who matches a generalisation perfectly.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I always hesitate over generalisations.

I know in my case I love the mental control. I don't often use physical control, bondage, and so on.

But then, I also love the sex. For me, D/s is purely sexual.

Of course, that's not to say you are incorrect. Perhaps generally male and female Dominants are after different things. But I have yet to meet someone who matches a generalisation perfectly.

I do not believe SD was making a generalization in that what she said can be proved by the very participants in this forum. I happen to agree with her statement, btw.

Male and female dominants tend to differ in their approaches and their goals.

Eb

 

[KSobscure]

This is my first post on these boards, so, hello all.

Regarding submission and self-worth. I am a sub in a stable relationship with my dom. Throughout the course of our relationship we've had plenty of opportunities to grow. We're both young, and new to this. We've both done our share of boundary overstepping and the like. (I think I'm more guilty of it than he is, though.)

For a long time I was struggling to reconcile my submissive and reserved nature with what is my idea of the Ideal lady. I've found that I cannot be the assertive, self-confident woman of today. I did not *want* to be so. Then I realized it was better this way. I realized my dom needs me this way. He is everything I cannot be, and I am his balance. We need each other equallly. He has made it clear that I am his, and loved. How could I not feel valuable?

I am, I should state, not the most articulate kid around. I think I'll stick around, maybe learn a thing or two.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I think that male Doms are often looking for different things than Fem Dommes. The males seem to be more into the physical and sexual as a primary focus where the females appear to be more into using the mind to gain the control of the mind and the body.
Of course this is not a given as there are also females only interested in the physical and males who gain their biggest joy through the mind.
Males and females whether they be Dom/me or not, approach life from opposite ends of the spectrum.

~male Doms are often
~The males seem to
~Of course this is not a given
~females appear to
~etc...

generalities..not specifics..are seeable..to go deeper than that One would have to point out the make up of each and every male and female Dominant I have the pleasure of knowing.

the generalities CAN change by the years One has lived the lifestyle as well...most Dominants (not ALL) enter through the door of sexuallity...many find the sexual door to be the only one they ever want to open....others find without capturing the mind and wrapping it around the sexuallity Domination becomes a service to the subs hornyness....so...really it is a question that can only be answered in generalities unless One is really speaking only about themselves or those they are very close to in reality.

 

[Shadowsdream]

This is my first post on these boards, so, hello all.

Regarding submission and self-worth. I am a sub in a stable relationship with my dom. Throughout the course of our relationship we've had plenty of opportunities to grow. We're both young, and new to this. We've both done our share of boundary overstepping and the like. (I think I'm more guilty of it than he is, though.)

For a long time I was struggling to reconcile my submissive and reserved nature with what is my idea of the Ideal lady. I've found that I cannot be the assertive, self-confident woman of today. I did not *want* to be so. Then I realized it was better this way. I realized my dom needs me this way. He is everything I cannot be, and I am his balance. We need each other equallly. He has made it clear that I am his, and loved. How could I not feel valuable?

I am, I should state, not the most articulate kid around. I think I'll stick around, maybe learn a thing or two.

hello and welcome...relax..and enjoy the ride...I look forward to reading many of your posts...

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Thanks to my insomnia, I am going to pester you guys with my views...

I think that a good D/s situation involves a give and take. The pathetic example that started off this discussion doesn't really have anything to give. If I can do 'anything', where's the thrill? To me, that would degrade me as a human being, to take part in the degradation of an empty human being. That's not my scene at all. A person submitting to me through their own free will is an expression of trust, respect, and is the hugest mind trip I can imagine. Someone who doesn't have any self-esteem, who would give themselves to anyone handy, is as much fun as date-raping an unconscious woman. I'd rather do without forever, than put myself through that again.

 

[MissTaken]

ON self esteem and self worth:


If submission is a gift, would one ever offer a gift that was damaged or broken?

I believe that a submissive must feel worthy, confident and valuable to and by herself in order to be those things for his/ her Dom/me.

Being able to offer yourself to someone and knowing you are the best person you can be, does not negate the fact that your involvement with a Dominant can and should help you to be a better person in your search for self actualization.

However, a strong foundation is key.
That foundation ultimately has to come from within, not without.

 

[FungiUg]

I do not believe SD was making a generalization in that what she said can be proved by the very participants in this forum. I happen to agree with her statement, btw.

Male and female dominants tend to differ in their approaches and their goals.

Eb

Well, I did hedge what I was saying and state she may not be incorrect. *chuckle*

From my own experience, dominant people are different from person to person. Irrespective of gender. However, I think there are likely to be gender-based tendencies...

Eeeeek! For a second, it almost sounded like I was agreeing with you!

 

[FungiUg]

ON self esteem and self worth:

If submission is a gift, would one ever offer a gift that was damaged or broken?

I would have to say "yes". I have a couple of times run into someone who was submitting out of (what I felt were) undealt issues of abuse.

There is a definate "broken" thing there, and huge self image problems. A gift I wouldn't accept.

 

[Shadowsdream]

ON self esteem and self worth:


If submission is a gift, would one ever offer a gift that was damaged or broken?

I believe that a submissive must feel worthy, confident and valuable to and by herself in order to be those things for his/ her Dom/me.

Being able to offer yourself to someone and knowing you are the best person you can be, does not negate the fact that your involvement with a Dominant can and should help you to be a better person in your search for self actualization.

However, a strong foundation is key.
That foundation ultimately has to come from within, not without.

Actually it happens all of the time.
Some submissives have a self defeating need and they walk into a relationship with all of the right words and attitudes and then it all begins to erode when they FEEL they must live up to their own press.
They begin to set up reasons they should be released so that they do not even need to take the responsibility to admit they do not have the strength, courage and honesty to respect themselves.

 

[MissTaken]

That happens in all flavors of relationships.

Don't you think?

 

[Shadowsdream]

That happens in all flavors of relationships.

Don't you think?
No actually I don't....~~smile~~

 

[MissTaken]

Shadowsdream?

You make me smile with your brand of disagreeing.

Have a lovely day....




(Pssssst. Do you think I am approaching the self esteem issue too clinically based upon profession? Hmmm could be )

 

[Shadowsdream]

Shadowsdream?

You make me smile with your brand of disagreeing.

Have a lovely day....




(Pssssst. Do you think I am approaching the self esteem issue too clinically based upon profession? Hmmm could be )

Psssssssssssssst perhaps you approach it with one foot in the vanilla reasoning and one in the submissive reasoning?
They are apples and oranges that must be delicately stripped of the illusion that they are different versions of the same mind sets.
..or perhaps I approach it from the 24/7 aspect which can really be no more than a thought until you live it....

Life is good and self esteem only a hand away if the sub is willing to take the hand...it has nothing to do with therapy..as I read somewhere around here! It has to do with believing in the honesty of the Dominant who shows you your own value.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well, I did hedge what I was saying and state she may not be incorrect. *chuckle*

From my own experience, dominant people are different from person to person. Irrespective of gender. However, I think there are likely to be gender-based tendencies...

Eeeeek! For a second, it almost sounded like I was agreeing with you!

You should, I am right on this issue, it is proven daily by the posts on this very forum!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Broken subs?

I have yet to meet a male sub who refered to himself as being "broken".

no judgment, just an observation.

Perhaps it is another femsub issue?