Tales from the front lines

[DeservingBitch]

Let's say someone tells you they are unhappy sexually with the person they are married to. You think, oh how sad. Everyone should be sexually happy. WTF is wrong with people that they stay and are miserable.

Maybe what you missed was not a sense of duty but the rest of the relationship that this person treasures but has no reason to mention to a sex worker? Is that possible?

What I mean is that it boggles my mind that people are so invested in the idea of monogamy, and prefer dealing with the guilt of cheating and lying on their partner rather than question the basis of their relationship. I mean, I do understand the investment and social pressure that comes with monogamy. But still, I'm surprised that not more people question this model of relationship which is obviously not working so well for most people.

I'm not talking about those people. I am talking about people who openly tell me they're torn and miserable. Who want my sympathy as this long drawn out part of our coming down from the scene we just had. Who want to bend my ear about how very hard it is to be them.

To which my stance has become that's nice. Grow a pair or don't. Own your shit. Compartmentalize. Cheat. Whatever - quit blaming your wife, quit whining and stop wasting your life.

I've never had much empathy for people who whine about their unhappy life and blame everybody else, when the decision is theirs all the way. I have even less empathy for those who hurt the people who love them along the way.

Own your choices and decisions.

 

[BiBunny]

I think I hurt for those people because I've been there. Not married, obviously, but stuck in long-term relationships with people who didn't make me happy. Though in my defense, I wasn't sure if there really WAS anything else, didn't know if leaving would make me a bit happier than staying.

Some of us are far more cowardly than others. It hurts me to see people in that kind of pain, even if it is of their own making.

 

[ownedsubgal]

this afternoon a longtime regular called me up trying to schedule something for this week. but as always, we ended up diving into this deep moral discussion. He has more guilt surrounding what he does with me than all my other clients combined. and in his case i think it may be because he is obviously very much in love with his wife and she's really his best friend. he's always telling me about all the trips they take together, some fun thing they did over the weekend, etc., and you can hear the joy in his voice as he describes it all. he's one of the rare ones where the issue really is JUST the sex. according to him, she's just not very good at it.

anywho he told me today, he often feels "conflicted" about his relationship with me. i asked him why, and he said because he loves his wife so much and "i'm hurting her and she doesn't even know it." he's a really sensitive sort, and his idea of a nightmare is causing a woman any kind of pain. so it really gets to me. there have been times when he's said he'll just have to stop seeing me altogether, but the sex always pulls him back. also he likes that we have a connection, and considers me to be a friend. that's another thing that bothers him...because the sex is good, because we can actually talk and laugh and share like friends, his feelings get all confused. the first few times i saw him, he would tell me how much he loved fucking me. now he tells me how much he loves "making love" to me. the physical activities haven't changed, but his feelings have. he said sometimes he feels a "connection" with me when we "make love," a feeling he thought he was only supposed to have with his wife.

*sigh*...these guys with their issues, sometimes i wish i could just not care, but dangit i can't help it!

 

[DeservingBitch]

*sigh*...these guys with their issues, sometimes i wish i could just not care, but dangit i can't help it!

I must be a cold-hearted bitch, because I have no sympathy nor empathy for someone who put themselve in that kind of situation.

Yes, he is hurting his partner, who he claims to love and care about, by denying her the right to make her own choices.

I'm not saying that this guy's position is an easy one to be in. But nobody ever said that loving someone was always easy. He has a choice here, and he decided to make the one that denies his wife the possibility to make her own choice. Focusing on his own guilt only serves to recenter himself, to make *him* the focus of attention and the victim, rather than focusing on making up for the wrongs he has done to his wife.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm not talking about those people. I am talking about people who openly tell me they're torn and miserable. Who want my sympathy as this long drawn out part of our coming down from the scene we just had. Who want to bend my ear about how very hard it is to be them.

To which my stance has become that's nice. Grow a pair or don't. Own your shit. Compartmentalize. Cheat. Whatever - quit blaming your wife, quit whining and stop wasting your life.

Great stance, IMO!

I should become a Pro Domme. I think I'd like it if I was getting paid.

 

[Netzach]

I think I hurt for those people because I've been there. Not married, obviously, but stuck in long-term relationships with people who didn't make me happy. Though in my defense, I wasn't sure if there really WAS anything else, didn't know if leaving would make me a bit happier than staying.

Some of us are far more cowardly than others. It hurts me to see people in that kind of pain, even if it is of their own making.

I've been there too. It's the source of my empathy and the reason it runs out also.

 

[Netzach]

I must be a cold-hearted bitch, because I have no sympathy nor empathy for someone who put themselve in that kind of situation.

Yes, he is hurting his partner, who he claims to love and care about, by denying her the right to make her own choices.

I'm not saying that this guy's position is an easy one to be in. But nobody ever said that loving someone was always easy. He has a choice here, and he decided to make the one that denies his wife the possibility to make her own choice. Focusing on his own guilt only serves to recenter himself, to make *him* the focus of attention and the victim, rather than focusing on making up for the wrongs he has done to his wife.

I've been fucking someone for years on end in this kind of an arrangement.
The difference is that he's cognizant, comfortable, regretful, but not in a state of woe is me over the decision he's made. It's a "this is the shitty thing I do, so be it" kind of thing. That's critical to me. Just hold up your head or don't do it. Which is how I feel about the whole thing myself. It's a shitty thing in other people's opinion but it's MY shitty thing.

 

[FurryFury]

When I was with my toxic ex, I was usually able to convince myself I was happy and in love. Sometimes I wasn't.

In those times I tried to evaluate my options. Of course I wasn't seeing straight but you'd never hear me moaning and groaning about my life or relationship.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I've been fucking someone for years on end in this kind of an arrangement.
The difference is that he's cognizant, comfortable, regretful, but not in a state of woe is me over the decision he's made. It's a "this is the shitty thing I do, so be it" kind of thing. That's critical to me. Just hold up your head or don't do it. Which is how I feel about the whole thing myself. It's a shitty thing in other people's opinion but it's MY shitty thing.

Yeah, I feel the same, and have been in a similar relationship for a while.

I understand that it's not always easy to do the 'right' thing, no matter how much you love someone, and more often than not, because you love and care about someone. But what I can't stand is when someone is wronging others and then expecting me to feel sorry for them.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I've been there too. It's the source of my empathy and the reason it runs out also.

Yeah, been there as well.

That's what made me decide one day that I was not going to do that to myself and others again, and refused since then to be in a monogamous relationship or with anyone who would expect me to change a significant aspect of myself.

I think a lot of sorrow comes from people getting involved in relationship expecting their SO to change. People don't change. Not in the ways that it matters at least.

 

[FurryFury]

Yeah, been there as well.

That's what made me decide one day that I was not going to do that to myself and others again, and refused since then to be in a monogamous relationship or with anyone who would expect me to change a significant aspect of myself.

I think a lot of sorrow comes from people getting involved in relationship expecting their SO to change. People don't change. Not in the ways that it matters at least.

I have to disagree about people and change. They can and do change in ways that matter. They just rarely change the way a partner would choose to have them change.

Thank GOD I've never tried to change anyone. I have enough frustration in my life!

 

[DeservingBitch]

I have to disagree about people and change. They can and do change in ways that matter. They just rarely change the way a partner would choose to have them change.

Yeah. That's what I meant to say.

 

[FurryFury]

Yeah. That's what I meant to say.

We agree after all. Cool.

 

[ownedsubgal]

odd. one of my best clients told me today that he didn't think he could see me anymore. when i asked why, first he tried to be evasive and joke around, but when i assured him that i wanted the cold hard truth, he said that it was because he doesn't want to support "pimping." it bothers him greatly that the money he gives me isn't for me personally, but goes to my Master. he said that he would only continue to see me if i allowed him to set up a bank account in my name where he would deposit the fee, and that i would keep this money for myself. of course i had to explain to him that such a thing could never be possible, it goes against my ways and beliefs completely. so looks like he is history now. a shame too, because i genuinely liked him. ah well, vanillas and their hang-ups.

 

[Marquis]

odd. one of my best clients told me today that he didn't think he could see me anymore. when i asked why, first he tried to be evasive and joke around, but when i assured him that i wanted the cold hard truth, he said that it was because he doesn't want to support "pimping." it bothers him greatly that the money he gives me isn't for me personally, but goes to my Master. he said that he would only continue to see me if i allowed him to set up a bank account in my name where he would deposit the fee, and that i would keep this money for myself. of course i had to explain to him that such a thing could never be possible, it goes against my ways and beliefs completely. so looks like he is history now. a shame too, because i genuinely liked him. ah well, vanillas and their hang-ups.

Just out of curiosity, why did you feel it necessary to tell him?

If it's important to you to be upfront about your arrangement I can respect that, but it sounds to me that this guy's ego couldn't handle that he was only renting someone else's property.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Just out of curiosity, why did you feel it necessary to tell him?

If it's important to you to be upfront about your arrangement I can respect that, but it sounds to me that this guy's ego couldn't handle that he was only renting someone else's property.

my Master wouldn't have it any other way, he wants the men who use me to know that i belong to and am controlled by someone, and that i am cared for and protected by someone. this is partially to try to avoid having too many get overly attached or try anything crazy, and partially to make it clear that i am not some independent, free "escort" doing her own thing, but serving my Master's will by serving other men. all potential clients learn these things about me in the getting-to-know-you process, well before any meeting is scheduled, so if they are not comfortable with that or anything else, they can move on with no harm done.

and i do think you're right, he just doesn't seem to be able to handle the fact that i'm owned by someone else, and that that person is the one who pockets his hard-earned cash. he was getting far too emotionally attached, occasionally slipping into "if you were mine" kind of talk. so it's probably all for the best. but i must admit, i will miss being ceaselessly fucked for 4 and 5 hours, lol.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm surprised you haven't run into that more often. I can see a lot of people having a problem with that concept.

 

[Netzach]

Just out of curiosity, why did you feel it necessary to tell him?

If it's important to you to be upfront about your arrangement I can respect that, but it sounds to me that this guy's ego couldn't handle that he was only renting someone else's property.

Yes. There are going to be people who LOOOOOVE a dose of your "reality" whatever that is, and it's always a great niche market. And then you will lose some over too much reality, sometimes a good one, but reality DOES work well overall.

This is universal, go figure that we should have this in common, osg and I, but even with phone johns, when I do "me" they get a lot of "me" and the ones who are like , oh, you're married? and don't get off hearing that it's to a submissive CD, well, they're out. The ones that love it LOOOOOVE it as above, and outweigh the losses.

 

[BiBunny]

Yes. There are going to be people who LOOOOOVE a dose of your "reality" whatever that is, and it's always a great niche market. And then you will lose some over too much reality, sometimes a good one, but reality DOES work well overall.

This is universal, go figure that we should have this in common, osg and I, but even with phone johns, when I do "me" they get a lot of "me" and the ones who are like , oh, you're married? and don't get off hearing that it's to a submissive CD, well, they're out. The ones that love it LOOOOOVE it as above, and outweigh the losses.

Yeah, I've found that the phone clients definitely prefer the "real" me to some randomly generated character.

I got a new job that requires "characters" (and pays awesomely and has given me more minutes in the last 2 days than I've had at either of my other companies in the last 2 WEEKS), and I've figured out that by incorporating certain aspects of my character into each of them, the clients love them that much more. Like, I have a coed sorority girl, and I WAS a coed sorority girl. I also have a sensual Domme who's a graduate student. That's me, too, except I'd say I'm much tougher than "sensual" in real life.

But, yeah, osg, I think you'll find that you'll have more guys who like you because you ARE real than guys who get pouty that their fantasy doesn't play out just exactly like they want it to.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Netz and Bunny, i agree. most folks do prefer some reality, getting to know a true piece of you, as opposed to some completely false, superficial creation. the downside to being "real" tho is that it can make it easy for some to get too attached, like this client of mine. the funny thing is, i have this strong feeling that after a little bit of time goes by (a week, maybe less), he'll start missing me and will go against his "principles" (his word) in order to see me. of course Daddy will have already written him off by then, but oh well, lol.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Netz and Bunny, i agree. most folks do prefer some reality, getting to know a true piece of you, as opposed to some completely false, superficial creation. the downside to being "real" tho is that it can make it easy for some to get too attached, like this client of mine. the funny thing is, i have this strong feeling that after a little bit of time goes by (a week, maybe less), he'll start missing me and will go against his "principles" (his word) in order to see me. of course Daddy will have already written him off by then, but oh well, lol.

I'm not surprised by the way you dealt with this situation, and I would have dealt with it the same.

When I started in this biz, it felt weird not being exactly myself with the clients. I felt like I was 'faking it' too much by not giving them the real me. But I was (rightly) advised to not give my real name to anyone in the biz, not tell where I live, not tell what or where I study, give a fake age, fake hometown, etc. Basically, any personal details that could have me 'outed' or get me a stalker.

But I've created this working persona, which is somewhat close to who I really am, but far enough from the truth. At first, I understood it only in terms of assuring my safety -- but four months into it now, I realize that this is also what is keeping me sane and not too invested in this. I also realize that the more I get to know a client, generally, the less I want to see him again. Basically, I don't want to develop a connection with them, mostly because when I do, they get on my nerves. Not very surprisingly, the type of client I meet are not exactly the type of people I would normally be friend with or have any kind of relationship with. I can easily get into fucking them, and from the feedback I'm getting so far, I'm doing pretty good at giving them a great time. But it's much more difficult for me to actually appreciate them as human beings. Not so much because they pay for sex: rather because of their politics (most tend to be super conservative, somewhat racist, slightly mysogynist, and slightly to very homophobic).

Which is kind of ironic, since all the talk about sex work is always about how it objectifies women. I realize that the easiest and best way for me to do my job and enjoy it is when I can objectify my clients - but I find it harder to objectify them in a good/fun way when I get to know them too much.

Weird because in a BDSM context, I don't have trouble objectifying a partner. But I think the difference is that I actually like the partners I play with and objectify in that context. So, maybe I can only objectify someone I don't know or someone I know and like.

Netz, anything insightful to say about this, from your experience as a pro-domme?

 

[DeservingBitch]

I cannot stand coke-heads. Especially not the ones that call escorts.

Besides, I thought this stuff was so 80s. Or is it making a come back, like leggings?

 

[ownedsubgal]

people still do coke, one of my former johns was an avid supplier, he gave it away free to folks at bars, clubs, etc. while i was out with him, seemingly out of some desperate need to be liked/adored. used it a few times himself, and always offered me some. but i wouldn't use any illicit drugs unless supplied to me by my Master.



received some really depressing news from a longtime client this morning. my favorite actually....he called literally in TEARS, saying that his wife walked in on him while he was emailing me last night. she was demanding to know who this "slave__" person is, and apparently she's extremely hurt. he told her that i was just an online persona, someone he chats with but has no intention to ever meet. still bad for a vanilla relationship, but not nearly as bad as the reality of course. it really breaks my heart, and i really feel for him. he's such a sweet, caring guy. he's the cookie baker, always thoughtful and considerate. our last date was in a hotel (Master's son was with us that week so we couldn't do anything in the house). he took me to a local fish market and got me the yummiest fried scallop sandwich and hush puppies, and we had 3 hours of very energetic sucking and fucking. he told me how naughty he felt taking me to a "cheap" hotel, and being out and about in public with me. away from me, it's clear he's a very conservative sort of person, and he had major guilt issues with seeing me but his lusts would always send him back again and again.

i know he was/is majorly in love with his wife, and he says the worst part about all of this is that he has caused her pain, and it kills him to be the cause of anyone's suffering. i am hoping against hope that they can work it out and that she will forgive him (and that she won't ever find out the whole truth). he says that maybe one day in the distant future he hopes to be able to call me one day, just to say hello, but any more meetings are out of the question. i was told never to call or email him again, and never to respond to a call or email from his number or address, as it may be his wife. i will honestly miss him like CRAZY, he was the closest i have to a friend outside of my Master. also i feel somewhat responsible, like there was more i could have told him about being careful and discreet, because i knew he wasn't always thinking with his head and making good decisions. oh well, c'est la vie.

 

[YourCaptor]

people still do coke, one of my former johns was an avid supplier, he gave it away free to folks at bars, clubs, etc. while i was out with him, seemingly out of some desperate need to be liked/adored. used it a few times himself, and always offered me some. but i wouldn't use any illicit drugs unless supplied to me by my Master.



received some really depressing news from a longtime client this morning. my favorite actually....he called literally in TEARS, saying that his wife walked in on him while he was emailing me last night. she was demanding to know who this "slave__" person is, and apparently she's extremely hurt. he told her that i was just an online persona, someone he chats with but has no intention to ever meet. still bad for a vanilla relationship, but not nearly as bad as the reality of course. it really breaks my heart, and i really feel for him. he's such a sweet, caring guy. he's the cookie baker, always thoughtful and considerate. our last date was in a hotel (Master's son was with us that week so we couldn't do anything in the house). he took me to a local fish market and got me the yummiest fried scallop sandwich and hush puppies, and we had 3 hours of very energetic sucking and fucking. he told me how naughty he felt taking me to a "cheap" hotel, and being out and about in public with me. away from me, it's clear he's a very conservative sort of person, and he had major guilt issues with seeing me but his lusts would always send him back again and again.

i know he was/is majorly in love with his wife, and he says the worst part about all of this is that he has caused her pain, and it kills him to be the cause of anyone's suffering. i am hoping against hope that they can work it out and that she will forgive him (and that she won't ever find out the whole truth). he says that maybe one day in the distant future he hopes to be able to call me one day, just to say hello, but any more meetings are out of the question. i was told never to call or email him again, and never to respond to a call or email from his number or address, as it may be his wife. i will honestly miss him like CRAZY, he was the closest i have to a friend outside of my Master. also i feel somewhat responsible, like there was more i could have told him about being careful and discreet, because i knew he wasn't always thinking with his head and making good decisions. oh well, c'est la vie.

Most friendships wont last forever, no matter how good they are. Thats just life. You will always have the memories though.

 

[naxalite0906]

Coke is a horrible drug... Unfortunately, it is becoming cheaper and more widely available which means the asshole count in the world is rising fast!