The Haven ~ For survivors of child abuse.

[VFaulkon]

Breezy, I'm really sorry you're in that situation. I'm glad you've made it this far in your life, and that things seem to be going better for you now. On the sexual thing, regardless of anything else, you went through what sounds like a very traumatic experience - it's bound to affect you, and as much as I wish I could say otherwise, that won't be going away for some time...maybe ever. And what I mean by that is this:

I go to group counseling, and I always like saying, "It'll take time, but you'll eventually be able to move on." And I believe that for the people I say it to in group, and I believe that for you as well. But 'moving on' and completely recovering are two different things. I think that you are on the right track - you're opening up about what happened to you, and maybe some day in the future you'll be able to talk about it with a professional (the first time of telling a story like that is always the hardest).

But that process is going to take some time. It's going to be a long road, and it will be trying (definitely for you, possibly for those closest to you who care about you), and you cannot worry about what is 'normal'. You have trouble being stimulated sexually compared to other people, but you're not afraid of sex (you even claim to enjoy it, which is fantastic), and your boyfriend seems to understand and accept this about you.

My opinion, for whatever it's worth? Stick with what you're doing now with him. When it comes to recovering from abuse, the changes are very small, very slow, and often easily missed until it's smack in your face. It's possible that, after some time of doing this for him, your heart will slowly grow to understand, "Hey, sex isn't as terribly and nightmarish as I thought. Maybe I can have a little fun and still be safe." It's not much, but it is a start.

 

[elleanor]

I was abused a bit as a kid but not by my parents. It went on during a few summers and then my guardian at the time caught him coming out of my bedroom one morning. I don't think she knew completely but she suspected and that's all it took.

From then on, I always slept in her mother-in-law apartment which was disconnected from the main house and she never left me alone if he was around. She was a previous RN and so she immediately worked on me through potential issues. Major damage control. (I was not dirty or bad. He was. It is wrong and you must tell an adult if it ever happens again. Lots of confidence and self image building activities. Some crying. Some anger. Lots of learning how to channel these emotions so I didn't destroy myself.) I still keep in touch with her.

My only scar is my absolute hate of ceiling fans.

My mother found out by reading a diary entry a long time later. She immediately put me in therapy. Eventually given a medication which messed me up and caused memory loss... giant mess.
I'd say the fall out from my mother was more of an issue because I had someone who recognized the situation to help me through so many issues.

I don't think about it, other than that. I think it's formed me a bit but I'm a functioning adult with few vices.

I am very lucky it didn't happen to the extent of time and intensity that some have described and my heart and love goes out to all of you.

 

[KarennaC]

Breezy, hugs. What a horrible experience.

You're making a lot of excuses for your father. Yes, he was brain-damaged, and yes, he may not remember what he did to you or if he does remember may not understand it was wrong. That doesn't matter. He still did it, and it sounds like you've been dealing with the fallout from it on your own for the past decade. Telling your mother what happened isn't a betrayal of your father, it's an affirmation that you, as her child, deserve her love and support in dealing with it. She may be angry; she may blame herself for leaving you and your siblings alone with him, but you still have the right to tell her and to have her support you.

I'm glad for you that you've found a boyfriend you can talk to about it.

Elleanor, welcome, and thank you for sharing your story. Hugs to you, too.

 

[christabelll]

Happy THursday.
Happy Mushkil Gusha ---- An old collection of middle eastern fairy tales (oh yes they have fairy tales too ).... Mushkil Gusha - the Remover of Difficulty.
Share a handful of dates (or fruit or something munchable) with another in his name on thursdays and your difficulties shall be removed

So I share myself with you. Its all I have. Unless you come to my house, where I could stuff you full of homemade lemon biscotti

I had my children this past weekend (after driving 11h45m RT to get them). They were so good. They are such handsome kids and doing rather well despite their problems. I took them Home Sunday 11h30m RT) and have been sick since. So exhausted and my head hasn't eased at all. The trigeminal nerve is pinched and providing all kinds of burning pains in my face and skull. My left temple is pounding (you can see the veins pulsing), and if my head hurts any worse I will break down and take one of 5 remaining dilaudid. (out of twenty I was given more than a year ago). Oh yes can't you tell... I am a drug seeker! I beg for relief and get accused of faking it. You can't fake this kind of pain.
Blood pressure through the roof, veins popping out all over my head and face (remember Constantine when the little phillipino girl was possessed and all those veins were delineated???? thats my face). The light hurts (thank you for dimmers on the screen), the sounds hurts (no music today, and the clicking of a soft touch keyboard hurts to hear too)....

But My son tells me their father is abusing him verbally (you're no son of mine. You don't like me being your father? Then get the hell out of my house and find yourself another father.....You're the worst kid I know. You're worthless. I wish you had never been born.) I do wonder that he is playing me with this. But he was so serious. So somber when he confided it to me. He looked me square in the eye and declared it truth. But he has been trained by his dad to lie like a champ. I am at a loss. I can report this to my attorney - and I asked my son to tell me more than once over the three days we were together. The story didn't vary - so I must hold it as yes this has happened. But if I call CPS I risk the ex keeping them from me for visitation. They do nothing anyway - and he certainly isn't going to say anything with his dad in the next room.....

So at the risk of getting in trouble with the courts.... I told my son to tell the GAL.... I couldn't talk about it.... I could hold him and comfort him but I couldn't talk about it. Just promise me, when the courts appoint your new GAL you will tell him what you told me. Please.


And then in juxtaposition - When I was at their house - I saw how many other kids are in the neighborhood. I saw how happy he was to greet them (his friends and step siblings (not legally but thats what they call eachother).... My kids were bouncing all over the place etc etc.... they are entrenched there. They have friends and activities and seem to be happy.... I don't know what happens when they door closes and they are all inside.... but the outer appearances seemed just about perfect for having a family based neighborhood.

So what do I believe. What do I suspect? WHat do I want? What would be best? Is taking them back from their father - and moving them to make them start all over again - fair? Right? I just don't know. I know getting them away from abuse is best. But - is it as bad as I suspect? Or is it typical of a verbally oriented group of people? I hate being so confused about it.

With the difficulties in my own household (which the past few days oddly enough has been great!) I am not sure I want to bring them into this house.
I am NOT AMBIVALENT. I am trying to weigh out everything - trying to formulate answers to the questions I KNOW will be asked in the next weeks/months.

I want what is best for them. Period.

But if my own situation is indicative of what is best - I don't want them here.

Forgive me for that.

 

[tbs230]

I think I've shared this before elsewhere, so bare with me if it sounds familiar...

I don't remember an exact age except it was before my sister was born, so sometime before I was 9. As an immigrant to the US, my cousin decided that I wasn't really worth treating like a part of the family.

He made another cousin of mine (also a non-native American) touch me. I don't remember if there was penetration, I do remember being under the sheets with my pants off. I sent to his home every weekend.

I remember once being unable to go into the living room and dance with the rest of them because I wouldn't play his game. And locking myself in the bathroom and him sending his sister, the only female besides me out of the six of us, to get me to come out. She told me to just do it and get it over with, so we could play. Sitting in the hallway floor with an encyclopedia that I was so proud of, alone, because I didn't want to play that day either. And playing a game where you had to lay very still, while someone tried to get you to move. He made my cousin put his hand in my panties to make me move.

I was useless, and stupid, just a Haitian fresh off the boat. I was told to go back to my country, my cousin was constantly hit, spit at, and made to do demeaning and embarassing things.

It wasn't until I was 17 and I had my first real boyfriend that I remembered these things. He was so supportive, still is to this day, although we aren't together anymore.

In college, I was depressed and suicidal, often having panic attacks. I went to see a counselor, but you were only allowed eight sessions. Didn't even bother going to the last one.

My mother, while I was growing up, always provided for me, but she used to tell me that I wasn't pretty and all I had was my brains, that I was too fat, that I would never attract a man just by being myself.

When I finally got the courage to tell her when I was 19 or 20, she asked me what I wanted her to do about it now, why didn't I tell her before. She said she would have put me somewhere else. That's bullshit, there was no where else she could have sent me but to my cousin's. And then a few months later, that I must have wanted it since I didn't tell her it was happening.

From that point on, I didn't really care what happened to me, drank alot, smoked, had oral sex with anyone willing to ask, and slept with anyone willing to sleep with me.

I think I'm done for now...I can't do this anymore.

 

[KarennaC]

tbs230, I'm so sorry you had those experiences. Thank you for posting here.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Hello

I am Luna~

this was written about a year ago in Gil's thread...

click me

I don't think about my past often. Like the butterfly, I tend to transform myself as needed. And yet, this thread makes me think...and it seems this is the proper place to put my thoughts.

So hello, I am Luna. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.