The Haven ~ For survivors of child abuse.

[romantic_always]

Christinabell: I am so terribly sorry all this is happening for you, and while, even though I have been through a horrific past with my father, I have yet to press charges and will be doing so when I gain enough strength in the coming months.

Our court system is quite unfair in many cases. For example, my father owes the second largest amount of child support in my state, upwards of $160,000. However, because he has no job or money, we can't receive anything right now.

Unfair? Oh yeah.

What's awful for you though is it is not a monetary gain you are looking for, it is safety, and my heart goes out to you in this situation. I hope more than anything your children are in your home with no dispute and you are all safe soon.

 

[KarennaC]

Christabelll, all I have to offer is hugs and support. I hope you're able to sort this out. Meanwhile, please recognize that despite mistakes you might have made, you're now trying to do your best for your children. It's no failing of yours that the court system is a bunch of morons.

 

[unregistered]

 

[christabelll]

Gods Bless Every One of You.

Apparently I needed the vent off. Apparently I needed to just spout it all out for the cat to sniff. Thank you for allowing me to just that without telling me I am a horrible person for doing so. Still a little weepy. Still rather morose. But better over all.

And - as I have noticed in the past - once I vent it - motion - movement occurs.
I received notice last evening - after I had spent the better part of the afternoon ferociously cursing and crying - that their home state has accepted jurisdiction! YES! YES! oh God thank you.

Its wonderful news. I stand an even chance now. Yes, I am still worried. I am still upset. But this cuts him off at the pass so to speak.

So thank you. For being there and allowing me to be where I was right then.


I am hopeful - in a very tentative kind of way- for the first time since Jan. 5th.


I am taking steps over the next few weeks to turn this around. Still no job - still totally dependent, but SO took notice last night and today - Hugged and held me this morning for the first time in months - and just let me cry off the rest of my pent up boiling emotions. I emote - he retreats - but today I think he got it - I just needed him to hold me and let me be me in all my emotional mess. That - just that - does so much to help me get over myself

There is hope. For the first time since I found out he was up on charges (which mysteriously have vanished off the books - ) that I might might might be able to get my kids back.

Thank you -

 

[KarennaC]

Christabelll, what wonderful news! Keep hoping and believing that the situation will resolve the way your children need it to.

I'm so glad your SO recognized what you needed and gave it to you.

 

[christabelll]

For All of you!

 

[KarennaC]

Oooh, pretty!

I hope all is well with everyone. It's been awfully quiet around here.

Christabelll, how are things going for you?

 

[christabelll]

Emotionally I am doing much better. Funny how you can get so freaking stressed - and then poof its gone. It really has been a huge weight this juridiction thingie....

Thank you for asking

Now I just have to get myself together enough to finish the story I am writing -

The so - neglectful as he is - was really good to me last week - but we are back to him hiding in his home office 14-16 hours a day - when he isn't in the HQ office. Sighs------------------ better than a poke in the eye with a ragged stick I guess.

My girlfriend is kidnapping me this weekend, barring another dumping of a foot of snow. I really hope I can get out of here. Its very very rare than I get out anymore with out the SO along to drive me bats LOL..... So I am truly looking forward to girl time with out the man along to kill the buzz by being so obtuse he's a sphere.

Love him, but still LOL.....

Take care all - many hugs

 

[Gil_T2]

No prizes for guessing that I am one.

I have been opening up about my past here in a way I have never been able to before and it has been truly cathartic. It occurs to me however that I have never really talked with other abuse survivors and there must be others out there, other voices, seeking themselves.

So I'm here. I log in most days now and I'd love to talk with others who have survived terrible childhoods and are rebuilding themselves as adults. If you feel unable to post here, you are very welcome to pm me.

Apologies if there's already a thread like this but I did a search and didn't find one. Gil_T2's thread appears to be about domestic violence rather than child abuse.

Hi MyLaceratedHeart,
I started my thread to help an adult abuse person who was on the edge but we have had others who have been children who have been abused, regardless ABUSE is ABUSE be it mental or physical or any varient between.

Domestic Violence is a term introduced to be more public acceptable than the term ABUSE ...... it is ABUSE pure & simple.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=119289

I suffered mental abuse from my father who dd as your abuser did the constant put downs "You'll never be anything" "Your worthless" "Your Fat" all the common abusers terms to destroy any self worth a person might have or had. My mother & Sister both deny it happened but at my fathers wake one of his friends came over & told me that my talking of him showed my courage because he had noticed the way I was treated in public by him, the public treatment was nothing to like the one on one horrors, he destroyed any hope of having any self esteem, it wasn't till my later years that I have any at all & even now I doubt my worth even though over the last 6 years with BANDIT's love I doubt myself every day & I turned 56 this year.

I'm pleased to see your started this thread & hope by cross linking between the 2 threads we can offer a safe place to all who need one.

 

[KarennaC]

Christabelll, hope you get a chance to get out with your friend. Some men can definitely be obtuse at times.

I thank goodness for my man. We're preparing to move, and with all the stress going on around that I've been falling into old patterns again, worrying that he'll get angry if I ask him for help or if I try to talk to him about money. He did get a little irritated with me this past weekend. He'd promised me a certain amount of money to help with bills and stuff since I lost child support (ex hasn't worked in a year, not because of the economy but because he just can't be bothered, and he finally ran out of unemployment funds), and he gave me most of it but got annoyed when I asked for the rest. I got angry because I wasn't asking anything unreasonable, just for him to stick with what he'd said.

In the past with my ex, it would have led to a huge fight. But I'm learning patience. Even though I stewed about it, I didn't say anything to him other than apologizing for bringing it up in the grocery store instead of waiting till we got home. (I do feel I should have mentioned it in private.) The next day, I said, "Do you have twenty dollars I could have? I'm out of cash", that being the amount he hadn't given me the day before. He handed it over with a smile.

I'm learning to handle conflicts without their really becoming conflicts, and I'm learning to better handle my anger. In the past, anger has arisen because I've felt trapped or because I haven't been able to express myself without triggering anger in the other person, though in fairness to myself pretty much anything triggered anger in my ex no matter how I phrased it. For a writer, I have an unbelievably hard time expressing myself verbally; writing's easy because I can take my time, but speaking to someone, especially about an uncomfortable topic like money or asking for something I want or need, often results in a loss of words and I end up stammering or retreating into silence. My man doesn't let me retreat; he also doesn't get frustrated if I take ten minutes to say what most people could say in ten seconds. He's patient, and when I finally do get the words out, if it's a problem between us he immediately comes up with a way to fix it.

Right now we've got a private joke about me taking "Vitamin A". A for assertive. He wants me to not only ask for what I want or need, but to tell him to give it to me if he doesn't respond the first time. Hence the smile when he handed over the $20. He's patient when I don't or can't ask, and I end up getting my wants and needs met anyway, but he wants to see me able to speak up for myself, and he cheers for me every time I manage it.

 

[christabelll]

Christabelll, hope you get a chance to get out with your friend. Some men can definitely be obtuse at times.

I thank goodness for my man. We're preparing to move, and with all the stress going on around that I've been falling into old patterns again, worrying that he'll get angry if I ask him for help or if I try to talk to him about money. He did get a little irritated with me this past weekend. He'd promised me a certain amount of money to help with bills and stuff since I lost child support (ex hasn't worked in a year, not because of the economy but because he just can't be bothered, and he finally ran out of unemployment funds), and he gave me most of it but got annoyed when I asked for the rest. I got angry because I wasn't asking anything unreasonable, just for him to stick with what he'd said.

Its not unreasonable and its a shame he can't be bothered. With me its the opposite. I can be bothered and have no fucking way to do it.
If I had money my kids would get it period. I ran afoul of being in behind and in massive debt as of June last year with becoming unemployed and incurring over 150 k in medical debt via ICU - . Hopefully that will all change in the very near future - in no way should my SO pay this particular debt off - but he is like me and sweats it - When they are with me, he lets me spend alot of money on them - if they are not it waits until they are here again. I have been trying for months the get the amount reduced as it was more than half my total income - with him earning 30k more a year than me. Another stone around my neck and still weeks from resolution - I have applied for more than 900 hundred jobs since August and have only had four interviews - how fucked up is that?)

In the past with my ex, it would have led to a huge fight. But I'm learning patience. Even though I stewed about it, I didn't say anything to him other than apologizing for bringing it up in the grocery store instead of waiting till we got home. (I do feel I should have mentioned it in private.) The next day, I said, "Do you have twenty dollars I could have? I'm out of cash", that being the amount he hadn't given me the day before. He handed it over with a smile.

Hehehe sometimes it makes you want to scream don't it? And public fighting is never good - but neither is private - I would have asked for forty LOL just because he made it a test....

I'm learning to handle conflicts without their really becoming conflicts, and I'm learning to better handle my anger. In the past, anger has arisen because I've felt trapped or because I haven't been able to express myself without triggering anger in the other person, though in fairness to myself pretty much anything triggered anger in my ex no matter how I phrased it. For a writer, I have an unbelievably hard time expressing myself verbally; writing's easy because I can take my time, but speaking to someone, especially about an uncomfortable topic like money or asking for something I want or need, often results in a loss of words and I end up stammering or retreating into silence. My man doesn't let me retreat; he also doesn't get frustrated if I take ten minutes to say what most people could say in ten seconds. He's patient, and when I finally do get the words out, if it's a problem between us he immediately comes up with a way to fix it.

Can you clone him and send him over here?
Seriously its so marvelous when we over come something like speaking up for ourselves. Cheers wildly from the audience! In my situation I always feel trapped so I am always snarling - have been working really hard on NOT feeling that way - when he takes care of me on so many levels....

Right now we've got a private joke about me taking "Vitamin A". A for assertive. He wants me to not only ask for what I want or need, but to tell him to give it to me if he doesn't respond the first time. Hence the smile when he handed over the $20. He's patient when I don't or can't ask, and I end up getting my wants and needs met anyway, but he wants to see me able to speak up for myself, and he cheers for me every time I manage it.

If only we had a magic pill for all that eludes us at times. Figuring out the difference between wants and needs - huge!.... Its wonderful, absolutely wonderful that you have such a supportive SO.

Going tomorrow to my girlfriends house way out in the salt flats of the chesapeake peninsula. She promises to take me thrifting to my hearts content - SO hates it! has this thing about buying used anything -(except cars) but he has to admit that what I do get he couldn't touch for the prices I get them for. (Lots of reenactment feast and camp gear! and things to be made over -repurposed for Renn Faire and SCA. This boy is the classic penny wise pound foolish type but I asked for and will be getting some cash this evening when he gets home. (I never ask him for cash ever!) So Yay to both of us!

Anyway - so glad for you Karenna - Sounds like you are doing marvelously well even with little tiny hitches in your getalong.


I hope every one has a fantastic weekend - no matter where you are in the healing process - we all deserve a shining time of it.

 

[KarennaC]

Christabel, hope you're having a wonderful weekend also. How was your trip with your friend?

It sucks to have had so many job applications turn out negatively. I hope things turn around for you in that way soon. I've been terrified about finding a job where I'm moving to, because even though I'm in education so many school districts are cutting positions that I still might be left out in the cold. My boyfriend tells me not to worry, he earns enough to support the four of us, and I can always substitute teach, though I'd rather have a full-time, guaranteed-income job. We'll see; I'm keeping good thoughts that I'll find the job I need.

 

[EmilyRoan]

I was referred to this thread when I posted this: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=643376

I will be reading through here, as soon as I can. Thanks for letting me know about this thread.

 

[VFaulkon]

Christabelll, hope you get a chance to get out with your friend. Some men can definitely be obtuse at times.

I thank goodness for my man. We're preparing to move, and with all the stress going on around that I've been falling into old patterns again, worrying that he'll get angry if I ask him for help or if I try to talk to him about money. He did get a little irritated with me this past weekend. He'd promised me a certain amount of money to help with bills and stuff since I lost child support (ex hasn't worked in a year, not because of the economy but because he just can't be bothered, and he finally ran out of unemployment funds), and he gave me most of it but got annoyed when I asked for the rest. I got angry because I wasn't asking anything unreasonable, just for him to stick with what he'd said.

In the past with my ex, it would have led to a huge fight. But I'm learning patience. Even though I stewed about it, I didn't say anything to him other than apologizing for bringing it up in the grocery store instead of waiting till we got home. (I do feel I should have mentioned it in private.) The next day, I said, "Do you have twenty dollars I could have? I'm out of cash", that being the amount he hadn't given me the day before. He handed it over with a smile.

I'm learning to handle conflicts without their really becoming conflicts, and I'm learning to better handle my anger. In the past, anger has arisen because I've felt trapped or because I haven't been able to express myself without triggering anger in the other person, though in fairness to myself pretty much anything triggered anger in my ex no matter how I phrased it. For a writer, I have an unbelievably hard time expressing myself verbally; writing's easy because I can take my time, but speaking to someone, especially about an uncomfortable topic like money or asking for something I want or need, often results in a loss of words and I end up stammering or retreating into silence. My man doesn't let me retreat; he also doesn't get frustrated if I take ten minutes to say what most people could say in ten seconds. He's patient, and when I finally do get the words out, if it's a problem between us he immediately comes up with a way to fix it.

Right now we've got a private joke about me taking "Vitamin A". A for assertive. He wants me to not only ask for what I want or need, but to tell him to give it to me if he doesn't respond the first time. Hence the smile when he handed over the $20. He's patient when I don't or can't ask, and I end up getting my wants and needs met anyway, but he wants to see me able to speak up for myself, and he cheers for me every time I manage it.

Sounds like you have a great guy there. I hope I can be a good SO someday.

What you posted brought up a couple of things I've been stumped by, so maybe you can help me out:

1.) You said you 'stewed over it' for awhile before bringing it up again. People have told me before that it's not good to let things stew, because it's like bottling up your emotions (which I know isn't good for me - makes me feel miserable).

On the other hand, this is from the same people who gave me shit about everything else, so while I see the wisdom in what they're saying, what you did sounds right as well (sleeping on it, thinking it over, then trying again). What's your take on this?

2.) I hope I'm not going to start anything with this (especially if I'm wrong), but doesn't it bug you that he's essentially pushing what he believes your behavior should be in that situation onto you (smiling when you do comply, for instance)? Have you asked him to help you in that regard, or does he just do it for you?

That's one thing I worry about doing to people I care about, because I'm very opinionated (and something of a smartass, I'll admit) and I feel like offering my help/advice to them is the only way to show that I really do care. And especially as a man in today's society with mostly women friends (and hopefully a girlfriend in the future), that could easily be misconstrued as, "I'm The Man(c) of the house, I know what's right, listen to me 'cause you don't know what you're doing, blah blah bunch of things."

I don't know if that's because it's what I'm used to from my household or what (switch the genders around and that's basically what it was), but...

I'm sorry for taking your personal stuff and making it about me. I'm just trying to figure stuff out, and your post brought this stuff up from my messed-up noggin. I'd love to hear what you think, if any of you are willing.

 

[KarennaC]

Emily, welcome

VFaulkon, As long as you know how to be respectful and make someone feel good about themself, you're on the right track to being a good SO.

To answer your questions:
1. There's a difference between "stewing over" something and sleeping on it. I stewed, which is NOT a good thing. Stewing just keeps the anger and frustration going and sometimes builds them to more than is warranted by the situation. Sleeping on something, to me anyway, means letting it go for a while, deciding to step back and then come back to it and take a fresh look after the initial anger has faded. Sleeping on something IS a good thing.

2. You haven't "started anything" He is pushing me, but I don't feel that he's being pushy. Again, there's a difference. Pushing me means helping me find my way beyond my comfort zones and beyond the behaviors that I developed to survive in my marriage. I didn't consider the smile to be a "reward for compliance" or anything like that; he smiled because he was happy that I'd asked instead of keeping the need to myself. Being pushy would mean forcing me to do things I don't want to do, or intentionally putting me in situations where I do what he wants, and that isn't the case here.

I have told him that I feel like I can't ask for things because of the results in the past when I've asked for things I wanted or needed. He's seen me get twisted up inside to the point of tears just by trying to ask him for something simple. He knows I see it as a big problem, because it extends to asking for anything at all from anyone at all, and he's chosen to be happy for me when I do manage to ask for something without getting that worked up about it. He doesn't deliberately do things to force me to ask; he's just glad when I do ask, or when I take initiative to get something I want instead of waiting for him to offer it. It's something I've chosen to work on because it affects my entire life (imagine walking into a store, not being able to find what you're looking for, and not daring to ask a store employee for help) and because I want to model for my children how to ask for help or things appropriately. I haven't asked him for help, and, as I said, he doesn't deliberately make me ask for things, he's just glad for me when I do, so I don't feel that he's helping me on purpose. He likes seeing me happy and proud of myself, and he knows that's how I feel when I'm successful in dealing with this issue of mine.

Thanks for asking those questions; since I'm writing through a migraine, I hope my answers make sense

 

[VFaulkon]

Karenna,

Thanks for clarifying for me. Yes, your answers did make sense.

I guess it's a really fine line between being encouraging and being manipulative (at least it seems that way to me). Or maybe it's between being rewarded for good behavior and having that behavior positively reinforced.

If you told him about your problem and he's encouraging you to face it, that's wonderful - I hope both of you keep at it.

And thanks for the encouragement on the S.O. bit. I worry sometimes that my own problems will overshadow my S.O. completely in the future, something I'm working on avoiding happening now. Of course, I also worry that any woman who wants to be with me is probably going to need to be really patient with me, 'cause trust issues are a bitch to overcome...

But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.

 

[KarennaC]

VFaulkon, ah, good, glad I was coherent.

Manipulative would be if he only did what I needed him to do if I did what he wanted first. He doesn't want me to do anything in particular other than be happy and healthy; as for his not doing things I need him to, sometimes he just plain forgets. I have to be as patient with him as he is with me, because he's told me this is the longest relationship he's ever had, and he's gone long stretches without dating at all, so at age 36 he'd resigned himself to being alone and is still adjusting to having someone else to think about.

Positive reinforcement and rewards are kind of the same thing (speaking from the point of view of a special education professional who deals with behavior modification on a regular basis). The difference here is that he isn't thinking, "If she does this, I'll smile at her; if she does that I'll kiss her" or whatever. He smiles when he's happy and kisses me when he feels like it; if he smiles when I assert myself, he isn't choosing to reward me, but I choose to use the smile to reinforce myself. It's more me saying to myself, "Oh, he's happy that I spoke up. I should speak up more often, because I like seeing him happy. Plus it feels good to speak up for myself instead of stewing."

You're preaching to the choir about trust issues. The first time my boyfriend told me he loved me was in June. The first time I believed it, fully and completely and without wondering why, was about a month and a half ago. I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone else, but the trust still isn't complete, and it's going to take a while to get there.

Being aware that your problems might overshadow your SO is the first step toward ensuring that doesn't happen. When you're ready for a relationship, there might be times when you do overshadow your partner, or your issues do get in the way, but knowing now that it's a possibility means it's less likely to happen and more likely that you'll recognize it and can fix it if it does happen.

 

[christabelll]

Welcome Emily - You are not alone here ---- and no matter how old you are - it always hurts to know where you stand with your parent. ((((((((((((((EMILY)))))))))))

I am back from a fabulous weekend with my girlfriend and her family. She splurged a Mani-Pedi for me - The Wench!!!! LOLOL... we found fabulous buys at the thrifts stores and just chattered away the whole weekend.... Watched critters play in her fields, listened to the birds call - just basically - relaxed and got all the sturm und drang out of my system just by being away from the house.

Then I got home.

Less than 16 hours back here and I am ready to throttle the SO.... So I am feeling less than Jovial and more than hurt - and wondering what the fuck to do now..........

Please Gods- find me a way out of this hell.

 

[christabelll]

why do we pick the same man over and over again (different man - same traits)
why do we pick the same qualities that got us into to trouble in the first place
why haven't I learned any better
why am I stuck here with another negligent man?
He would never harm me physically
He would never do anything to deliberately hurt me
but he hurts me with his absence
he hurts me with his mumbled returns and diffferent topic answers
he hurts me when he sleeps on the couch and not with me
he hurts me with his casual messes that I am not allowed to touch even though he knows it makes me crazy when he doesnt put things away and clean up after himself
he hurts me when I only see him if he's hungry for food.
He hurts me when he backs up and turns his head when I tilt my head and lean in for a kiss.
he hurts me when he leans as far away as he can get when I want to snuggle on the couch.

after an hours long discussion last night - acknowledging that things are not all right in our little world - I asked him to join me for a rollicking game of Zilch - something that we could play together - after dinner - "I'll be right there, give me a minute" not five minutes later he was snoring on the couch. I waited... I tried to wake him -(That NEVER works) and so I waited - five hours later he awakens and climbs into bed without so much as an apology - or sheepish grin.
Then this morning - he knocks the shop vac I had bought for him for christmas - then had to return and exchange for a bigger one cuz it wasn't what he wanted - even though he had picked it out for himself and put it back as an it can wait purchase, down the stairs into the basement workshop - where it still sits - all the pieces scattered, the hose uncoiled, the canister and the motor - in seperate pieces. I guess I can assume I am supposed to pick it up and put it back together even though its in that sacrosanct area called his workshop.

All the love in the world does not make up for absenteeism.
All the love in the world doesn't make a difference if you don't share it with the one you love.
All the love in the world does not make up for being so oblivious that even your friends make comments about the lack of interaction.

Ugh.
So dissappointed and unhappy.
MIssing the man who I fell in love with. Missing the man who could make me come in five minutes. Missing the man who worked with me to create a home from two by four nightmares of a bachelor crash pad. Missing the man who couldn't stop touching me, as if I might dissappear if he didn't. Missing the man who won me to his side with long letters of heartfelt prose. Missing the man who said the stars are the limit then hid his star from me.

I'll figure it out. But damnit. It shouldn't be this hard.

 

[KarennaC]

(((Christabelll)))

If I thought it would help you, I'd tell you to show this post to your SO. But it sounds like it might not help. You've so clearly spelled out how you're feeling.

I've come to realize there are degrees of abuse in life, and if one experiences something that isn't as serious or severe as what's happened in the past, one might not recognize it as abuse.

Example: About 6 or 7 months after I left my ex-husband, I got involved with a man who was very intelligent and charming. He encouraged me to be sexual (I was still struggling with allowing myself to express myself sexually), encouraged me to stand up for myself, and was very supportive.

Except when it came to him. He had one hell of a temper, and was infuriated if I stood up for myself against something he'd said or done. Most of the relationship, mercifully, was online, but that was bad enough.

And yet I stuck with it because "He loves me, I know he does" (though he never said it and insisted we weren't in a real relationship because I lived too far away) and because he wasn't as bad as my ex-husband.

My friends tried to get me to stop seeing him and I couldn't break myself away. Thank goodness, he gave up on me after a while. Even then, I didn't really wake up until I said to a friend, "He's such a wonderful person when he isn't angry."

*When he isn't angry*. I should never have had to qualify a statement like that.

My point is, sometimes when we're used to being kicked and slapped on a daily basis, being called a fucking bitch daily doesn't seem like abuse because it isn't "as bad". If we're used to being called a fucking bitch on a daily basis, passive-aggressive actions don't seem abusive because they aren't "as bad".

If we're used to constant shitty treatment, and then meet someone who's "wonderful except when he..." we don't see it as abuse because it isn't "as bad".

Neglect is a form of abuse.

Christabelll, I hope you find your way through this; I wish for you that your SO would wake up and see what he's doing to you, but if he doesn't, I wish for you that you recognize what's best for you and are able to follow it. Remember that you have support here.

(((Christabelll)))

 

[EmilyRoan]

There are some REALLY BRAVE people in this thread!! I am amazed by all the bravery here. I applaud it. I am not anywhere near close enough to open up and talk about some of the sexual abuse in my past, but it is reassuring to see here that it is NOT impossible to do.

I dealt with a mom growing up who was usually drunk and ignoring me, or else taking her rage out on me. My brother, on the other hand, was her little angel who could do no wrong. I don't know what it was about me that set off the rage in her (I always suspected it was because I was female). She was always very competitive with me, which reinforces my belief that it was my being female that made her hate me. For example, when I started to go through puberty and attracting male attention she held me down and cut off all my hair like a boy. My dad just looked the other way, for the most part. Sometimes when she would do things like lock me in my room without food or water he would sneak me in something to eat. But instead of giving me relief that only confused me and made me resent him for not standing up to her.

I am just starting to get to the point where I realize I will never please her or make her love me. So I'm not going to try anymore. I'm in therapy right now trying to deal with this. I feel a sense of pressure to deal with it because I am pregnant with a little girl and I'm due in a few months. I want to be a good mother to my daughter - I never want her to have to go through the kind of horrible bullshit I did growing up. Before I had the ultrasound I was anxious that if it was a girl I wouldn't know what to do. I thought if I was having a boy it would be easier, because the example I had growing up was that raising a girl is terrible vs. raising a boy (me vs. my brother). But I know that can't be true, because it wasn't my fault that my mom had such a terrible time raising me. It was her fault. I am still afraid to be raising a girl but I think I will do a much better job than my mother did. I want my daughter to grow up happy, healthy and strong and I will do whatever I can to make sure that happens.

 

[christabelll]

((((Karenna))) man you are one smart cookie - working on it...........truly am stuck here - but working on it.....

((((Emily))))) that dichotomy of treatment is one of the hardest things to endure. Be proud that you have surivived to tell the tale - even if in snippets.
Pulling the scabs off of wounds is not the easiest thing in the world to do - and when you are ready - it will profoundly increase the speed of healing.... Hang in there.... all that matters is that you are on the mend - and recognition is the start of the process. Counseling is another Don't worry about dumping - and don't worry if you cannot delve too deeply as of yet.





Sometimes certain wounds require the occasional draining - like a diabetic wound that will not heal - you must tend to it again and again - before it will begin to heal - even this far out from the horrors of childhood - you have to rip the scab off a time or two to clear it of the festering pus - and then let it heal over again -------- such an apt analogy even if a trifle gross

been one of those kind of weeks......
lets see if next week is better.....

 

[VFaulkon]

To Emily:

Don't be afraid. The fact that you're aware of your mother's treatment of you, and how it made you feel, is going to help you. You'll be able to catch yourself if you start acting like her towards your own child, and if you're strong enough to admit that you're making (or about to make) a mistake, you'll improve. When that happens. you'll already be a better mother than your own.

Ever since realizing what my mother inadvertently did to me and trying to come to terms with it, I've thought a lot about parenthood and what the "right" way is to raise a kid. Being a young college student (thankfully nowhere near fatherhood), it's still a scary prospect. But I think that the best you can do is to improve on how your parents raised you and give your kids a better shot at a healthy, happy life than you. And it sounds like you're heading down that road right now.

So please, Emily, don't be afraid. Do the best you can. There are happy families out there, and there's no reason to believe yours can't be one of them.

 

[KarennaC]

Emily, you have the right to be treated well, and you have the right to cut anyone out of your life if they treat you poorly.

Not that that makes things easier when the poor treatment comes from a parent. Trust me, I know. I did cut my parents out of my life for a short time, but it was very short. Then I ended up needing their help to get out of my marriage. Didn't get a lot of help, but what I got was enough.

You have a perfect model of how NOT to be a parent, and it sounds like you want to be a great mom to your child. You'll be able to do it. Treat your daughter the way you wish you'd been treated as a child. In the process, you might reclaim some of what your mother's actions robbed you of.

Christabelll, I'm not necessarily smart, I just spend waaayyyy too much time analyzing things. lol.

 

[breezyblue]

Hi everyone, i'm really glad i have stumbled upon this thread. Lots of you seem like really amazing people who have been through hell. I am having bad problems now concerning my abuse by my father and it is great to know there are other people out there. I mean i guess i have always known that but its so different to meet the people and hear the stories than just to know they must exist intellectually.

When i was ten my father had an aneurysm where a blood vessel had burst in his brain and he collapsed vomiting and eyes rolling back in his head on the floor. We had no idea what had happened and he was very lucky to have survived by the time we finally got him to a hospital. Through several surgeries he survived but the doctors had to remove a segment of his frontal lobe that had been damaged by the bleeding. After recuperating, he was brought home again to live with us again while attending physical therapy.

I remember being happy that he was alright but the person that returned to our family was not the same one that had left. He had always had a temper problem but now it had escalated ten fold. It was alright when my mom was home but we didn't have any money for baby sitters and my mom had to take over the family business working full time and so i was left alone at my house with my father and my little brother and sister ( 8 an 4). Things started out as just rough housing - it was like he was our age only much bigger and he would get down on the floor with us and "wrestle" i guess you could call it with him sitting on me and pinching my sister and my legs. These rough kid play sessions escalated until we were so bruised that i had to stop wearing shorts because the neighbors called my mom concerned and i didn't want her to get into trouble. I still have a very hard time wearing shorts till this day outside in public. I got the worst of this "playing" because i was the oldest of the three of us. I also tried to stop him hurting my siblings by getting in between them and him and so any time i got hurt was a small victory in my fight to keep them safe. Its all very confusing to me; violence committed against me is good, it means other people are safe.

One day for some reason i don't remember my brother and sister were with my mother and i was left alone with my father. The wrestling started again but this time there was no one else to cry or scream to distract him from me and so things kept getting worse and worse and i don't really remember this part well at all but it was by a big old chair in our living room on the blue rug and I just remember grabbing at the rug and looking at the chair from my back as he violated me with his hands. I don't even remember the pain or anything I don't know why but I was just so terrified and i spent the whole next week with the "flu". I couldn't tell my mom or anybody about it. She still doesn't know till this day what happened although part of me suspects that she must have known something and done nothing to stop it. It happened more than once, sometimes more violently than other times. I spent the next 6 months or so protecting my siblings from him as we were still alone with him. It was almost like nothing had happened - he was so brain damaged that he really didn't think anything had been wrong or didn't remember or something, his behavior didn't change at all and it was almost like he seemed hurt when i wouldn't talk to him or avoided him at our house. He also continued to play with us as before- Luckily we did get a nanny after that and were out of the house most of the time. He was sent away to a facility again because he had a stroke. He never came home permanently again. He lives in a nursing home now and i can't bring myself to go visit him. I feel I cannot tell my mom even now because it would cause her to treat him differently and i don't think he deserves that given his mental handicap. Also I don't want her to hurt over it - although i do feel she was partially responsible for what happened because she left me alone to take care of everyone but she was doing the best she could as a basically single mother working full time.

I feel like i should go visit him - he is my father and i truly believe now that he doesn't remember what happened and didn't know how terrible it was but i just can't do it. He looks so delighted every time i walk into his room at the nursing room like he wants to be able to walk over and give me a hug even though he cannot really speak now and is paralyzed on one half of his body. I feel selfish because i can't just act normal and bury my reactions to my memories of him for both of my parent's sakes and go visit and be happy to see him. It feels like i am punishing someone for something they don't know that they did and it kills me to feel like such a horrible person when he just doesn't understand. No one understands why I am such an uncaring bitch about going to visit him. My mother calls me a monster for not going. It just is so hard to do it - it physically makes me want to vomit and i am a wreck afterwards.

I was horribly depressed for years and only had one real friend i connected with for all of fifth and sixth grades. Then she moved away and i absorbed all of my time into reading - it was a great escape for me. I was in therapy for 5 years and never in that whole time told her anything that had happened. I was on wellbutrin for 3 years and it helped me alot. High school got much better for me and i made a couple friends i still have today. I also have a boyfriend who is wonderful - i am able to talk to him a little bit about this and he is as supportive as he can be. I feel in many ways i am a happy person and am doing ok right now.

I am affected by my experiences i guess sexually most of all. I am able to be emotionally close to my partner now but it sometimes feels like i cannot connect to my sexual self or being at all. I do not fantasize and don't remember what it feels like to be turned on physically or mentally. Its like there is a block in my brain against sex now and i don't know how to get rid of it. I feel like my sexual self died a decade ago and as much as i try to move past it i just can't figure out how. I have not given up because i am not that type of girl but it is so upsetting to me that i cannot be close to my partner sexually. We do have sex and i do enjoy it sometimes but i find myself wanting to please him or do it just because it is pleasurable for him and i love to see him happy. I want to enjoy it on more than just that level, i want to feel turned on and aroused mentally as well as physically. I feel like a broken person in that way.