The Haven ~ For survivors of child abuse.

[romantic_always]

I feel like this is a place I can say something, I haven't really found any other threads on this site yet. So here we go.

I'd rather not say my name yet, but you can all just call me by my screen name. First of all, I am a woman, just to avoid further confusion amongst the amazingly supportive people on this thread.

My mother married a fairly kind and charming man who had a bit of a temper but was good to her and her family. He gave her one super loud and bouncy daughter...me. For the first five or six years of life, things were pretty good. There were times I saw my father's temper-like when I was five years old and I told him I didn't want to go to the store with him. He said I was being disobedient and threw all my toys away and took them to the curb in big black trash bags. My mother locked us in my bedroom and told me it would all be ok, we'd get the toys in a little bit, when he left.
He was out of town on "business" a lot and when we spent time together, it was usually in the evenings. He would take me to 7-11 with him and get me a candy bar but tell me to wait in the car. He'd disappear in the back with one of the workers, sometimes for half an hour. To this day I don't know if he was doing drugs or selling them or what.

When I was 9, my parents decided to get a divorce and my mom moved us halfway across the country to Florida. Six weeks after their divorce, he announced he was remarrying. The stepmother in question was literally insane, screaming at me for no reason. It didn't last between them, I'm told.

When I was 11, my father molested me. I tried to stop him and his excuse was that he thought I was his fiancee. I went through years of therapy and medication to try and figure this all out, but it never stuck.

Flash forward to three months ago...
I had memories come back from when I was a kid, stuff I never even thought was possible. Needless to say, I know now the reason I couldn't figure anything out was because I was raped, not molested.

I am currently in therapy trying to work through all of this, but it's been the most enduring process of my life. I feel ashamed of my body and sexuality. I get angry at everyone around me because I can't get angry at my father.
I'm remembering him forcing me to watch porn with him at the age of 6, and now I find porn repulsive and watching it makes me feel sick, and I cry.
He tried to get me to take cocaine and marijuana when I was 10, telling me they were "herbal" medicines.
I truly believe there were other times he touched me, if not raped me, but I may never know. I have to work through this as much as I can, and if something else new comes up, then so be it.

The good news is the support I have is amazing. My boyfriend of almost 18 months has been my haven, so to speak. He has to be the most patient person on the planet! When I'm feeling ashamed of my body, he calmly holds me and tells me how beautiful I am, and he makes me look at myself in the mirror to prove it. He fully respects all my limits and my fears, and at the same time he has helped me to develop into a sexual being, one that does her best to speak up for what she wants and enjoys the sex that she and her boyfriend have. He has told me several times he wants to marry me, and I feel the same. I cannot imagine another man for me.

My mother is my best friend. She told me that the reason she moved us so far away was because she sensed something was wrong with my father. She has been my support for almost a decade, taking me to therapy, holding me when I was dry heaving from crying so much, taking me to dinner to make me laugh again. I probably would be dead if not for her. My other family members have been just as supportive of me (save for my grandmother on my father's side, who believes I'm a wicked liar. Oh well, she's so liquored up all the time anyway.)

Right now, the hardest things to work through are my self-shame and anxiety in social situations. I have a hard time voicing my opinion, so I get nervous and freaked out in crowds and such, I feel very trapped. I get nervous when I stray too far away from home, but that is something I'm working on more and more and will continue to do so.

I feel very down on myself a lot, and I never used to. It's only been in the last 3 months, and it's terrible. I want so badly to have my confidence back. I'm working towards it everyday, though. I have help and love and the only thing I am missing is actually talking to women or men who have gone through what I have. And I think talking about this to people online may be good, but I am also looking into several support groups and self-defense classes, as recommended by my therapist (who is fucking amazing.)

I am also going to press charges against my father once I get over the big anxiety hurdles. Even if it doesn't bring him to justice, even if the charges are dropped, I will stare my father in the eye and he will know that I am finally ready to fight.

Fuck it. My name is Kate. I am 20. And I was raped.

 

[KarennaC]

(((Kate))) Welcome, and thank you for sharing, your story and your name.

It's wonderful that you have so much support in your life. Your boyfriend sounds amazing. Just keep trying, keep working, and you'll get through this.

May I suggest a slight rephrasing of your last sentence, though? Your name is Kate, and you are overcoming rape. Because you will overcome it; just by posting here, you've shown how strong you are.

 

[romantic_always]

You're absolutely right. I am overcoming my fears and becoming stronger through it.
Thank you.

 

[christabelll]

((((Romantic Always Kate))))))

Well met fellow traveler

Yes - rape is the most succinct word for it. Molestation is sometimes too soft a word. Its one of the most horrible things to have to overcome. And whats worse = there is more than one way to rape a soul. But we do over come it.
We find a way through. And you are finding yours.

The self esteem aspect of recovery is the cruncher isn't it? You will regain it. And loose it and regain it... again As the splinter is discovered, we through means we discover, finally begin to draw it. Sometimes its like a bandaid yanked off and other times its microns of motion until at last it begins to heal.
We are all healing - and you have truly begun.

Be proud that you have come such a distance. You have found an amazing healing man. Thats something to hold tight with a broad confident smile.

 

[christabelll]

There is definitely an "incident" in a very fuzzy memory which I perceive to be what "triggered" the whole abuse thing, however it is like grabbing mist...

It remains elusive, ever in the dark shadows, never quite visible.

As for memories of things done, things like beatings with a car's fanbelt, or even a sjambuk (a kind of a bullwhip or stockwhip [about 3'6" long] ), and other such events, lying on the floor holding hands over head and face while "mother" kicks the piss out of you while screeching over and over "I HATE YOU... I HATE YOU" did come back only recently.

Being beaten around the head by "father", and every time you lift your hands to cover your head, being kicked in the ribs...

Being beaten with a 2" x 2" length of wood on the back & backside & legs so you piss blood for a week, and can't ride your bicycle to & from school,

These memories were suppressed, and have only come back over the last two or three years... (twenty five or so years later)

I thank God that when the little brother was born I was shipped off to boarding school on (almost) the opposite side of the country. (It was the 70's, we had fuel restrictions as did most of the world) I only came home for school holidays when the hostel closed, and this lasted until it became too expensive to keep up, so I came home again and the physical and verbal abuse, the breaking down "You'll never amount to anything", "You can't do anything right / properly", "I regret the day I ever had you" etc. etc. etc. etc.
ad nauseum, on and on, over and over...

I must admit that I had some serious rage within me, at times I desperately needed to reach out and break something / someone.

I thank God that I dealt with my children (son now 15, daughter 10) as I reckoned I wanted to be dealt with. Never NEVER turned to "the way I knew" children were treated.

Well, short answer... Yes there are repressed memories, memories that sneak up on you when you think it's all done & dealt with...

Cheers,

Dan

Sweet Goddess.... (*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(DAN*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*) Blessings upon you and yours.

 

[deeteeZA]

I feel ashamed of my body and sexuality.

I feel very down on myself a lot, and I never used to. It's only been in the last 3 months, and it's terrible.

I want so badly to have my confidence back.

Dear Kate,

In my experience, which I must add has been a road alone, no therapists, no support groups etc., etc., etc..., I have found that the absolute and only key to my having worked through this - not only survived, but overcome - is the simple fact that you HAVE to accept (within yourself - your deep self) that this is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

I wanna stress that: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

You never did this to yourself, you never brought this on yourself, you had no part of either the cause(s) or the action(s). Tell yourself often and loudly that this is all purely wholly and solely the choices and actions of a seriously sick fuck who tried to destroy the life of a little child.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, you DON'T have to deal with this as if there is any blame on you for what happened.

This took me a long time to work through, I always felt that maybe if I did this better, or that more nicely, or the next thing more neatly or whatever, it was always (in my opinion) something I could or should have done better.

I spent the best part of twenty years trying to find acceptance, and believe me, TO THIS VERY DAY, I hear the lies and bullshit spread behind my back about how much of a no good I am.

The abuse has never stopped!!!

The actual physical beatings may very well have stopped (maybe 'cos I spent seven years in the military, and learned how to kill and break things ), but the mental aspect is still there every day.

It is just a case of ensuring that deep within yourself you have the clear and definite knowledge that you have no part in the blame.

It is difficult, and as I said before, I thank God for the wife He entrusted me to, who has stood by me thru all this crap, and never given me reason to doubt myself, but rather encouraged me all the way. Many nights, just being someone to soak up the tears, and not anything else. At times even perhaps smarting at my hatred and bitterness, but never giving up on me.

I have taken this journey, and it has been a long and hard road, but let me tell you, it has been worth it, every step of the way.

I have a wonderful wife, two very amazing kids, and this is all I need. I don't need "them" to destroy my life any longer, they must live with themselves as best they see fit and also live with the consequences - here and after.

Please girl... if you do nothing else over the next few days / weeks but truly look within yourself and root out every little bit of self blame and shame and being "down on yourself".

It is not ANYTHING you said or did that made this happen or made you "deserve" this.

If need be, take strength from me (I know we're far apart. but feel free to PM me for any advise and/or just someone to bitch at, and the same for any others on this thread).

Strength...

Dan

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Welcome romantic_always/Kate

I feel ashamed of my body and sexuality.

I feel very down on myself a lot, and I never used to. It's only been in the last 3 months, and it's terrible.

I want so badly to have my confidence back.

dtZA's right in that you have no blame of any kind for what happened to you. It should therefore follow that you have nothing to be ashamed of. To quote Baz Luhrmann, "Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own."

If you continue to allow this man power over how you view yourself, your life and your choices, then in a way, he is still abusing you. Your body is the key to every pleasure you will enjoy throughout your life, from chocolate to bungee jumping. Hating your body means hating yourself, it's like a psychological form of self harm and while there's a degree of security in maintaining that pattern, it's damaging to you in the longer term.

You will get your confidence back and I wish you every success on that journey.

 

[unregistered]

 

[unregistered]

 

[KarennaC]

Dan, good for you for changing the pattern. I've heard too many parents say "My parents did this to me and I turned out okay, so my kids will be fine." My father broke the pattern in his life; his mother was horribly verbally and physically abusive to him, blamed him for having epilepsy, even. He wasn't like that with me. He just wasn't emotionally there much of the time.

About the name thing. It's taking all of you a great deal of courage to give your real first names, and I admire you for it. I'm choosing not to do that, however, not because I'm ashamed of what I've said in this thread- these posts are one of the few things on this site I wouldn't mind having my name to. But I've chosen not to use any part of my real name in anything I write- stories or posts- on Literotica for several reasons, and prefer to continue that here. Karenna works.

 

[christabelll]

Christabel is my chosen name.
Too many times has my ex tracked me down with the internet - and used it to harm me and mine - so - Christabel it will remain You can call be Bella or Christa just don't call me late for dinner LOL

My hugs and love to everyone.
Enjoy this beautiful weekend.

 

[deeteeZA]

@ christabelll and KarennaC, and any others not wanting to post their names...

It's most definitely not about you posting your real name or not, I am comfortable doing this as I am not in a position to need to avoid being traced by any unwanted past ghosts or ghouls.

It is purely and simply a matter of what you feel safe and/or comfortable with.

The need to remain anonymous is most definitely not going to detract from the horror(s) which any one of you suffered at the hands of some monster.

You post what you feel you need to and are comfortable with. I most certainly will not think any less of you for that, nor feel any less compassion for your pain.

Have a great one guys and girls

luv ya

Dan

 

[romantic_always]

I'm glad everyone can come to this environment and safely discuss their experiences. It's wonderful.

 

[deeteeZA]

Anyone ever feel like this...

As I was walkin' up the stair
I saw a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh how I wish he'd go away ​

I dunno if posting on this thread has done it, but yesterday (sunday) a lot of bad memories came flooding back.

I am loath to say that this is bad, as it gives a chance to sort of "sign off" on each of these, and be done with them.

I fully realize that these memories will never completely go away, but I also realize that by dealing with them one by one as they come up, it almost seems that each memory/incident has a bucketload of emotions attached to it, and by dealing with these memories/incidents, facing them and picking through them , I seem to be able to detach the emotions attached to the memories, and then pack away these memories without the attached emotions they evoke.

In my simple way, I see it like this...

If these were physical wounds, they would need tending to, "spit & plasters" as moms tend to put on scraped knees etc., and once the physical wound is healed, there remains a scar. The scar has no pain or discomfort, but still remains - serving as a reminder - not of the pain, but of the fact that such and such did happen.

To me these scars, these reminders are there simply to teach me never to do those things that were done to me - much I suppose like the little guy jumping off the roof with an umbrella for a parachute - very unsuccessfully???

Now I know that that doesn't work, and I can apply these lessons to other aspects of my life, like how I deal with my wife & children.

Lessons - from the University of Life.

Hard lessons perhaps, but lessons nonetheless??

Have a great week all of you

Dan

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Anyone ever feel like this...

As I was walkin' up the stair
I saw a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh how I wish he'd go away ​

There's a quote I've read somewhere that goes, 'Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.' Your verse above made me think of that.

I think that all forms of psychological damage or illness, however caused, should be the next big thing to lose its stigma. There's a campaign starting in the UK to highlight mental illnesses such as depression, OCD, bipolar disorder etc. It's still a last taboo and people have lost jobs, relatives and friends through the stigma attached to it all. I know that the mental scars of child abuse are a different issue altogether but it would be helpful at least to feel more able to be open about the symptoms that result, like depression, low self esteem, lack of motivation and so on.

If these were physical wounds, they would need tending to, "spit & plasters" as moms tend to put on scraped knees etc., and once the physical wound is healed, there remains a scar. The scar has no pain or discomfort, but still remains - serving as a reminder - not of the pain, but of the fact that such and such did happen.

I suffer with epilepsy and in some ways, it's a similar thing. If I walked with a limp then people would know there was an ongoing problem but as it is, most people have no idea there's anything wrong with me until I collapse on the floor and start convulsing. It requires medication and certain self awareness and care like getting enough sleep and avoiding strobe lights but apart from that, who's to know?

There's a propensity today to view things like depression as excuses and sicknotes. It's the new 'non specific back pain' for which so many people get themselves signed off work. People who have never been mentally traumatised, abused, depressed, suicidal and convinced they are truly worthless; those people expect you just to snap out of it and further belittle and demoralise you if that doesn't happen. Cycles like that have to be broken somehow.

 

[christabelll]

Breaking the cycle - is the hardest thing in the world.
Being depressed - dear god - this invisible killer - has had a hold of me for three years. I've tried medication - can you say mind wiped? I've tried diet and exercise - counseling. Ill health on top of it - this spiral never seems to end.

It effects how I am who I am what I am. My children know it - even trying to hide it from them is proving futile. They know it - and marvel when I find the strength to do more than sit and read or watch tv with them. And once again - sending them home to their father breaks my heart all over again.

I am facing some serious hard decisions regarding my children. My relationships. My locale. And my SO - only gets riled with me when I try discuss the mistakes I have made and how they are going to effect the upcoming trials. Trying to talk about the reality of what is happening - only seems to piss off the very small group of supporters I have. Is it because I can see? I know how thngs are perceived when it comes to the courts? Am I going to be punished more? Ugh!!!!!

The fact that we are all survivors should bolster me.
All it does it depress me further. You all seem to be doing so well. Are so courageous and determined to do better than what was done to you. I feel as absentee as my mother was. My sense of worth is next to nothing these days.

That doesn't mean I have stopped trying. It doesn't mean I am not continuing to fight despite the balance against me. It just means that this morning - I am sad and upset that once more I returned my children to their abuser . And I can do nothing. The state will do nothing. The courts will do nothing. Again.

I need a job.

 

[KarennaC]

(((Christabelll)))

I have nothing more to say. Just remember we're here, and you're important.

 

[deeteeZA]

Breaking the cycle - is the hardest thing in the world.
Being depressed - dear god - this invisible killer - has had a hold of me for three years. I've tried medication - can you say mind wiped? I've tried diet and exercise - counseling. Ill health on top of it - this spiral never seems to end.

It effects how I am who I am what I am. My children know it - even trying to hide it from them is proving futile. They know it - and marvel when I find the strength to do more than sit and read or watch tv with them. And once again - sending them home to their father breaks my heart all over again.

I am facing some serious hard decisions regarding my children. My relationships. My locale. And my SO - only gets riled with me when I try discuss the mistakes I have made and how they are going to effect the upcoming trials. Trying to talk about the reality of what is happening - only seems to piss off the very small group of supporters I have. Is it because I can see? I know how thngs are perceived when it comes to the courts? Am I going to be punished more? Ugh!!!!!

The fact that we are all survivors should bolster me.
All it does it depress me further. You all seem to be doing so well. Are so courageous and determined to do better than what was done to you. I feel as absentee as my mother was. My sense of worth is next to nothing these days.

That doesn't mean I have stopped trying. It doesn't mean I am not continuing to fight despite the balance against me. It just means that this morning - I am sad and upset that once more I returned my children to their abuser . And I can do nothing. The state will do nothing. The courts will do nothing. Again.

I need a job.

My dear Christa,

I have a very firm philosophy in life, one which has served me well thus far in life...


You cannot help someone who needs help, you can only help someone who wants help...


To my mind the mere fact that you are posting here confirms that you do want help.

This in my opinion is half the battle won!!!

Please understand that I am not touting my method of dealing with life as the only one that works, but I stand firm on the fact that it works for me!!

There are a number of other posters on this thread, each one giving their input as to what they have tried and what has and hasn't worked.

Could I suggest that you read thru all the posts, and see what has and hasn't worked. Someone may have mentioned something that may perhaps not have worked for them, but it may very well work for you.


Once again one of my wise(ass) sayings/beliefs - You can't learn to ride a bicycle by watching someone else fall off...


See whats out there, and try different approaches - I am damn sure one will help, perhaps even lead to another which may be perfect for you...

My perception is that you have no immediate support base, and perhaps this is half the problem?? If you wish to do so, please feel free to PM me, and I will give you my personal email addy.

I am NOT looking for a chat buddy, or any such like, but rather feel that as I pass this way only once, I am damn sure I want to make a difference in someone's life - a positive influence, a helping hand.

Same goes for others, if you are serious about wanting someone to chat to, or bounce ideas off. I'll help as far as I can.

G'nite guys (well here in SA anyway...)

Dan

 

[VFaulkon]

I'm sorry for posting this out of the blue, but I just realized something recently about myself that I think the people here could appreciate, or maybe even help me with. I've spoken up on this topic before, but I think I'm ready to spill my guts now, if that's alright. If not, just ignore this post entirely. ^_^;


I have to say, for me right now, the hardest thing is trust. I've been in therapy for some time now and I'm sure this has come up from the people in group, but it wasn't until recently that I really comprehended it - I just don't get it. Not just trusting others, which has always made sense to me (crap like, 'these pricks'll turn on me or abandon me eventually, I'm sure...'), but others that actually trust me, that not only trust that I'm a good person, but that even when I slip up in one way or another that I can recover and make up for it...that emotionally I'm a worthwhile investment.

Not trusting other people? I get that, no problem. I can count on one hand the number of people that actually made me feel cared for and wanted, without any kind of demands for a return on their investment or some kind of negativity floating over my head like a swinging pendulum. The number that have abused me and kicked me around, on the other hand...but when I realized I can't believe someone would want to trust me - despite the fact that I'm always trying my best to be a good, honest, polite and loyal friend and they've told me point blank they trust me - it was kind of a shock.

I really just don't grasp the concept of trust. How on earth does that work? Just...trusting someone to not hurt you until either they DO hurt you or they vanish from your life? Ignoring (or maybe not having) that niggling doubt in the back of your mind 24/7 to watch for the knife aimed at your back? How do other people do that? And how rotten a friend am I to the only friends I have that, after two years of talking, hanging out, hearing each other's worst nightmarish experiences in group (where we met) and knowing the last thing they'd do is hurt me like that, I still can't just believe they like me and I don't have to be uber-polite and afraid of crossing that unseen line with them all the time?


At this point, I'm more focused on fixing my problems and being ready to find my happiness in the future than fully understanding my past, but...it's just unbelievable how much crap I've had to put up with. If it's alright that I share (if not, just skip down):

Fifteen goddamn years. From three to eighteen, fifteen years of:

-always being judged for my performance and quality as a son and a student, like I was a fucking car

-having to hear my mother talk bad about my father behind his back, and vice versa (they divorced when I was three, just FYI), as a toddler. I guess therapy cost too much, but a five-year-old son who's already being treated like a ping-pong ball between his parents is a decent alternative (he is free of charge, after all...)

-never being good enough for my mother/teachers/father, be it in school, in getting a job, in being like my older, "more responsible" sister

-being told other people may be polite in person, but they're really saying all kinds of negative shit about you in their head

-watching my family be miserable all the time regardless of the situation, yelling at each other over the same inane shit day after day, then coming down on me because my sister loves deflecting Mom's anger onto me in an argument - seriously, at this point, when I hear my sister say during an argument, "What about [name hidden]? He doesn't..." I just stop what I'm doing, kick back and wait for my turn (yes, this goes on to this day)

-never being allowed to feel bad - "Don't waste time feeling bad, just find a way to stop!" Hopefully, some of you get the utter foolishness of that statement, especially considering it was being told to a kid

-being mocked at every time by my peer group and not getting why, until the only way I could survive was to cut 'em off at the pass and mock myself

-more recently, having a friend I trusted implicitly - she was the nicest, nerdiest, soft-spoken wallflower (much like me back then) - for an entire year, listening to all of the problems she was having with her boyfriend, then the one time I need her to listen to me, having her, via her boyfriend, send me a e-mail saying not to bother her with anything ever again


Maybe all this stuff seems really petty, especially compared to some of the horror stories on this thread, but...really, every single incident feels like a hidden land mine in the road of my life, as opposed to the rockslides that other people have to clear - the source of their problem is right in front of them, but land mines are tricker to find and they're hidden anywhere and everywhere. I feel like it's sapped me of almost all my willpower at this point

And it's really frustrating - I can see everything I've been put through as a kid, I can see the source of the problem - but I can't (or rather, dont' know how to) do anything about it. After fifteen years of abuse from all angles, I just...can't trust anymore. How do you fix that, practice? "I know you can't trust someone, so...go ahead and trust someone. Then everything will work itself out?"

My only hope is that, once I join the workforce, I'll meet some people who are halfway decent and trustworthy. and eventually, some time later, I'll be ready to trust again at least a little. Right now, though, it's all I can do to resist the urge to say 'fuck it' and go live alone in the Rockies somewhere like Grizzly Adams (minus the bear - the big furry jerk would maul me sooner or later...)


To everyone else, all I can honestly say is this - please, please don't give up. If you're like me, you've been put through emotional strains that can crack most adults long before you were supposed to, and if you've gotten this far...well, it'd be a shame for you to quit now.

Right now, I feel my own situation is kind of hopeless, but at the same time I know I'm only 22 - I'm young, I'm getting away from all the things that hurt me as a kid (family, schoolmates, school itself...), and I refuse to let the rest of my life be like this. I want to find happiness on my terms, not my mother's or my father's or society's or an educator's terms. And if that means I have to weather a hailstorm of emotional handicaps and mental restraints to get there, then so be it.

Issues or no issues, I am a stubborn S.O.B., and somehow I've got fight left in me yet.

 

[romantic_always]

The biggest problem with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) is that it can be very hard for someone who hasn't experienced it to fully understand how you can still be having certain problems. Sure, I am experiencing anxiety, but one cannot really SEE anxiety, so it is hard to measure and understand. If I had a broken leg, people could see my broken leg and ask me if I needed help and I wouldn't feel weird about it.

I have a very hard time letting people help me. I feel like I can handle all of this, even though I know I can't-has anyone else had that problem, and if so, for what reason?

 

[KarennaC]

(((VFaulkon)))

I know what you mean about trust. It's the easiest thing to lose and the hardest to regain, in my opinion. I'm still working on it, but I had 36 years of learning not to trust anyone. It becomes exponentially harder with every year, I think.

But it can be learned. Start with learning to trust yourself. Recognize your instincts and thoughts, determine which are correct and which aren't. Learn that you can trust yourself to see what's right and wrong, what feels good (emotionally) and what doesn't, who can and can't help you or treat you well.

It's a learning process. But once you start trusting yourself, you'll understand why others might trust you. And once you understand why others trust you, you'll see things in them that help you trust them, especially once you trust yourself to choose people in your life who can be trusted.

It sounds easier than it is, but it can and will happen if you believe it.

I might have more to say about this later; it's early morning here and I'm getting ready for work and trying to caffeinate myself. Take care, and I hope your day goes/is going/has gone well.

 

[christabelll]

pstd -shell shocked- distrust - depression - paranoia -sexual dusfunction - social disfunction - the list goes on.............

Once more the courts have dropped the ball in prosecuting my ex for abuse.
He was up on felony!!!!! charges and got them dismissed. How the hell does that happen time after time after time. How fucking big is his HALO EFFECT? Slimy bastard has gotten away with it again. And my platform for getting my children back just disentegrated because of it.

So disgusted. So upset. And yes Afraid. Very very afraid. Couldn't sleep last night because of the knowledge he is free as bird and laughing about it.

And trust? Fuck that. I have trusted and been burned repeatedly. I have trusted myself and lost everything. I have trusted others and lost everything.
Losing my children was the death knell on trusting anyone ever again.

It is the biggest issue between the SO and I. I don't trust him not to simply abuse me. Neglect me oh yes. I expect him to. I expect him to turn on me like a viper in the nest. I expect him to use the truths I handed him and twist them like knives. Does he do any of these things? No. Every once and a while he complains that the funloving, lighthearted woman he met has vanished. He still loves me. But I feel like its a sham. That he won't abaondon me until I am on my feet, but as soon as I am its Out the Door I will go. At least that what my fucked brain keeps telling me.

I know the only way I am going to get better access and time with my children is to move up where they are. It puts me in his (ex) reach. It puts me within his passive aggressive sphere if I move within 100 a miles of them. He's stalked me before, tracking my movements, who I saw, who I spent time with etc. Hacked into my accounts both public and private. If I could prove aboslutely he is (was) doing this it would be a different story.
(He tells his girlfriend he wants joint and yet the counter-filing says sole with limited visitation fucking lying ass!)

I know the courts will not just hand me my children. They will question me and my motives for staying where I am. And the bottom line is - by staying where I am instead of moving closer to my kids - I am the selfish one. I am the one depriving my children of a constant "mother". I have chosen to remain far away from them - when in fact I have chosen to stay for away from him. I travel every month to see them. Every other day I am on the phone with them.

And now its even more tangled. I have a fiance. THrough him I have a home, support etc. (I had a home before but let it go when I moved in with him.) He will not leave the area because his dad is still alive and just down the street. He is the one who supplied the retainer for my new attorney. Just that makes me reluctant to pull up stakes and start over. This fucking depression makes it harder than it needs to be. Do I stay with my SO and live with this? Do I say fuck it? My happiness is not as important as my childrens? Beg the money from him and move up there alone to start over again alone? With no jobs here who do I think I am kidding that I will find a job up there?

I do not think the courts will give me back my kids. Its too hard on the kids. Flat out it will be. They have developed bonds and community ties. And that - that I fear will be the sticking point. Tear them up just so I can have them with me? What brand of selfishness is that?

I am just a tangled up mess. And no one can answer these questions except me. As for trust - its a seesaw--- the light side of me trusts all too easily. The dark side of me not at all. And right now I am not trusting even myself.

Hard times. Sorry - just ranting again. But at least I can get out whats in my head about it all - the So doesn't want to hear it.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

The fact that we are all survivors should bolster me.
All it does it depress me further. You all seem to be doing so well. Are so courageous and determined to do better than what was done to you. I feel as absentee as my mother was. My sense of worth is next to nothing these days.

That doesn't mean I have stopped trying. It doesn't mean I am not continuing to fight despite the balance against me. It just means that this morning - I am sad and upset that once more I returned my children to their abuser . And I can do nothing. The state will do nothing. The courts will do nothing. Again.

I need a job.

{{{{{Christabelll}}}}}

That is more than enough to completely demoralise anyone, let alone someone with your past issues. I for one am incredibly impressed that you're even breathing. You are in a state of limbo until the courts make a ruling and it's impossible for you to focus on yourself when your kids are in such a terrible situation. You really mustn't beat yourself up over the way you feel because this particular low point in your life is not of your making and not something you would condone if there were any other way. As is it you're not about to endure this for longer than is strictly necessary. You will come out the other side of this.

{{{{{VFaulkon}}}}}

You situation is not all that dissimilar in that you're still stuck in circumstances that are not of your making. I didn't make any real progress until I was out from every negative influence and able to live my life exactly as I saw fit. When you are able to leave home, you can have as little to do with your family as you choose to. You can construct your own lifestyle and be whoever you want to be without anyone glaring over your shoulder and passing judgement. While you remain in the family home, you remain in the same routine, with the same patterns in place - such as your sister deflecting anger onto you - so you can't make any real changes. I'm glad you're in therapy and benefiting from it.

Trust is such a deep issue for people like us. I was very much like you and the turning point wasn't a trust issue with a friend or anything like that. My total 180 on trust came when an investor trusted me with the money to open a cafe, just transferred the money to me and let me get on with it. I never realised how much like you I was until that particular cloud lifted and I haven't seen it since. Sometimes these things need time, maturity and experience that you just don't have yet before the right lightbulb flicks on in your head. After that point, you almost can't believe the way you used to think. You're young and with your journey very much still ahead of you so don't be too hard on yourself or get exasperated because you can see what you want to achieve but you're not quite ready for it yet. That you understand this issue so well already is a really good start. I have no doubt you'll overtake me in no time once you spread your wings.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

pstd -shell shocked- distrust - depression - paranoia -sexual dusfunction - social disfunction - the list goes on.............

Once more the courts have dropped the ball in prosecuting my ex for abuse.
He was up on felony!!!!! charges and got them dismissed. How the hell does that happen time after time after time. How fucking big is his HALO EFFECT? Slimy bastard has gotten away with it again. And my platform for getting my children back just disentegrated because of it.

So disgusted. So upset. And yes Afraid. Very very afraid. Couldn't sleep last night because of the knowledge he is free as bird and laughing about it.

And trust? Fuck that. I have trusted and been burned repeatedly. I have trusted myself and lost everything. I have trusted others and lost everything.
Losing my children was the death knell on trusting anyone ever again.

It is the biggest issue between the SO and I. I don't trust him not to simply abuse me. Neglect me oh yes. I expect him to. I expect him to turn on me like a viper in the nest. I expect him to use the truths I handed him and twist them like knives. Does he do any of these things? No. Every once and a while he complains that the funloving, lighthearted woman he met has vanished. He still loves me. But I feel like its a sham. That he won't abaondon me until I am on my feet, but as soon as I am its Out the Door I will go. At least that what my fucked brain keeps telling me.

I know the only way I am going to get better access and time with my children is to move up where they are. It puts me in his (ex) reach. It puts me within his passive aggressive sphere if I move within 100 a miles of them. He's stalked me before, tracking my movements, who I saw, who I spent time with etc. Hacked into my accounts both public and private. If I could prove aboslutely he is (was) doing this it would be a different story.
(He tells his girlfriend he wants joint and yet the counter-filing says sole with limited visitation fucking lying ass!)

I know the courts will not just hand me my children. They will question me and my motives for staying where I am. And the bottom line is - by staying where I am instead of moving closer to my kids - I am the selfish one. I am the one depriving my children of a constant "mother". I have chosen to remain far away from them - when in fact I have chosen to stay for away from him. I travel every month to see them. Every other day I am on the phone with them.

And now its even more tangled. I have a fiance. THrough him I have a home, support etc. (I had a home before but let it go when I moved in with him.) He will not leave the area because his dad is still alive and just down the street. He is the one who supplied the retainer for my new attorney. Just that makes me reluctant to pull up stakes and start over. This fucking depression makes it harder than it needs to be. Do I stay with my SO and live with this? Do I say fuck it? My happiness is not as important as my childrens? Beg the money from him and move up there alone to start over again alone? With no jobs here who do I think I am kidding that I will find a job up there?

I do not think the courts will give me back my kids. Its too hard on the kids. Flat out it will be. They have developed bonds and community ties. And that - that I fear will be the sticking point. Tear them up just so I can have them with me? What brand of selfishness is that?

I am just a tangled up mess. And no one can answer these questions except me. As for trust - its a seesaw--- the light side of me trusts all too easily. The dark side of me not at all. And right now I am not trusting even myself.

Hard times. Sorry - just ranting again. But at least I can get out whats in my head about it all - the So doesn't want to hear it.

Oh you poor thing. The courts just don't do justice any more. It's all survival of the richest and least scrupulous.

Forgive me if I've missed something in your posts but if your ex is abusive towards your kids, surely they can testify to that without you necessarily having to prove he stalked you and obtained info he shouldn't have? If the kids are at risk, is somebody not investigating that and asking why you're too terrified to be in a 100mile radius of this guy? This all seems just incredibly one sided and I'm not sure I understand everything right. It doesn't help that the UK legal system (where I am) is quite different.

Please feel free to vent honey, that's exactly what this thread is for, a non judgemental place for you to unload all this shit.

 

[christabelll]

Oh you poor thing. The courts just don't do justice any more. It's all survival of the richest and least scrupulous.

Forgive me if I've missed something in your posts but if your ex is abusive towards your kids, surely they can testify to that without you necessarily having to prove he stalked you and obtained info he shouldn't have? If the kids are at risk, is somebody not investigating that and asking why you're too terrified to be in a 100mile radius of this guy? This all seems just incredibly one sided and I'm not sure I understand everything right. It doesn't help that the UK legal system (where I am) is quite different.

Please feel free to vent honey, that's exactly what this thread is for, a non judgemental place for you to unload all this shit.

Gods- bawling my eyes out all morning so far. Thank god SO is at the office today. If it were that easy they never would have taken them from me in the first place. Their first testimonies were dismissed (safe house recordings and counselor reports in one state send to court state). Their second testimonies were two weeks after he snatched them out of school and vanished with them with the State backing him up ( I was out of contact for four weeks because of katrina and rita therefor I was endangering my kids: he went to town and got all the previous orders overturned during this time). They were so afraid and upset they didn't say anything except that they missed me. It will cost me an additional 5 grand to get a GAL (guardian ad litem). They have come forward multiple times to teachers, counselors etc telling of his abuses and EVERY time he tells the investigators that I put them up to it. They are little liars you know. They make this up to make her happy... etc etc ad lib ad nauseum. Since I am not there I cannot defend them or what they say without being seen as a hysterical, manipulating, lying bitch. I have talked with CPS and DCF and they KNOW there is heavy smoke. But refuse that there is fire. AGAIN! Child abuse without blood on the floor is hard as hell to prosecute and harder than hell to prove.
No one cares that the man terrifies me and that the kids (though they love him) are afraid to talk about what he does. They didn't care when I called the police on him (he was one of them you know). He knew all the court officials, all the attorneys including mine. He had worked closely with DCF and they couldn't say enough good things about him and how he got offenders to own up. I was the unknown sequestered disabled wife and mother who took my kids out of state and went to live with my mother while I dealt with the reality of being passively and actively abused again and witnessing my children tell me what he had done to them when I wasn't around. The thumbprints on my daughters inner thighs set up such a clamor inside of me I practically levitated out of the state. Because I knew then what I know now - I would not find the support I needed there. I would not have a soul to depend on as he had so successfully cut me off from the possibilities of friendship and confidants. Hard to make friends in a "itenerant" seasonal community way out in the boonies. And an ex that had conniptions every time I set foot out of the house without him.

Yes I made mistakes. Fucking Huge ones because I was so afraid of him. And my children are suffering because of it. And I suffer because of it. Its not so cut and dried. My training says I am not worth it. Am not worth it. Will never be worth it. My self training says the opposite of course. But right now - right now I am so upset that I can't do a thing. If this goes back to the original state I will be lucky to see or be near my kids again until they are 14. Now its just a waiting game to see if the "home" state (where the kids are now) will accept jurisdiction. If they do I stand a fighting chance. If they don't I will lose. Period.

God help me.