Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2000
- Posts
- 3,089
Oh, Daughter, I'm sure he/she's getting many PM's asking how he can have the audacity to so honestly critique the #1 poems. Personally, I think his/her analyses have been fantastic.
daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
Talk about arrogant
Whispersecret--
Personally, I think UP is a man. Gurl, hate to admit it but when I read his critiques I get flushed and tingly. LOL
I've been thinking about sending him a nasty PM, but it ain't about no critique.
Peace,
daughter
Whispersecret--
Personally, I think UP is a man. Gurl, hate to admit it but when I read his critiques I get flushed and tingly. LOL
I've been thinking about sending him a nasty PM, but it ain't about no critique.
Peace,
daughter
G
Guest
Guest
Our new #1
Online Sex..
by *Snatch ©
Let me type my lust for you...
it's the virtual way to screw!
Does that make you hard for me?
in this virtual reality
Love here matters not
c'mon baby make me hot!
Sitting at my computer now,
naked and playing with myself somehow
while I read your words on screen,
like some kind of strange wet dream.
"Oh baby, oh baby" I see you type,
as you sit there playing with your pipe
"Stroke it for me" next you say,
"Suck my cock and make my day!"
"My hot mouth is on your cock.."
making it hard as a rock!"
while I'm here touching myself
wishing it were someone else.
This is sex in cyberspace
you sit on someone's virtual face
it can really be quite fun
especially if it makes you cum...
Snatch reminds me that maybe we need to step away from the monitor. I suppose it’s a normal evolution of the technology, but I’m sure the designers and manufactures of the first home computer when asked about it’s potential did not comment. “…and last but not least, you can have sex with it!” What does this have to do with Snatch’s poem, nothing really it’s just a thought.
Snatch has quite a body of work, and for those of us that can’t get enough Snatch (I think I fit in this catagory) this should tide you over for awhile:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=16401
Snatch explores the online sex realm with an abab rhyme scheme. This is the scheme that most children’s nursery rhymes use. So for me, this type of pattern cannot approach the necessary complexity to impart anything other than a whimsical tone. The abab patterns often locks the user into quite a straight jacket word wise forcing the poet to compromise for mostly simple and one syllable words. Those more creative poets who have a good command of language and a handy dictionary do not suffer the constraints that this form places on them. I alas suffer in the camp who find themselve in the straight jacket.
Fine if your talking about rabbits and clowns not so good for complex concepts.
a Let me type my lust for you...
b it's the virtual way to screw!
a Does that make you hard for me?
b in this virtual reality
a here matters not
b c'mon baby make me hot!
Snatch tackles the limitation of this form with poor results. Poor if the intention was to write something erotic. If the intention was cute, then she has attained her goal. Yet, the world would lose something special if this little ditty replaced twinkle, twinkle little star.
Perhaps just a change to abba would help:
a Let me type my lust for you…
b It’s the virtual way to screw
b in this virtual reality
a Love here matters not
a Does that make you hard for me?
b c'mon baby make me hot!
Well, hey I think it does sound a bit more erotic this way. The point is expand your style. There are many ways to arrange a rhyme scheme. By the way, Shakespeare’s sonnets were written with an ab rhyme scheme with a few other technical thrown in.
On second thought she could just leave it alone, it is #1 after all.
U.P.
Online Sex..
by *Snatch ©
Let me type my lust for you...
it's the virtual way to screw!
Does that make you hard for me?
in this virtual reality
Love here matters not
c'mon baby make me hot!
Sitting at my computer now,
naked and playing with myself somehow
while I read your words on screen,
like some kind of strange wet dream.
"Oh baby, oh baby" I see you type,
as you sit there playing with your pipe
"Stroke it for me" next you say,
"Suck my cock and make my day!"
"My hot mouth is on your cock.."
making it hard as a rock!"
while I'm here touching myself
wishing it were someone else.
This is sex in cyberspace
you sit on someone's virtual face
it can really be quite fun
especially if it makes you cum...
Snatch reminds me that maybe we need to step away from the monitor. I suppose it’s a normal evolution of the technology, but I’m sure the designers and manufactures of the first home computer when asked about it’s potential did not comment. “…and last but not least, you can have sex with it!” What does this have to do with Snatch’s poem, nothing really it’s just a thought.
Snatch has quite a body of work, and for those of us that can’t get enough Snatch (I think I fit in this catagory) this should tide you over for awhile:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=16401
Snatch explores the online sex realm with an abab rhyme scheme. This is the scheme that most children’s nursery rhymes use. So for me, this type of pattern cannot approach the necessary complexity to impart anything other than a whimsical tone. The abab patterns often locks the user into quite a straight jacket word wise forcing the poet to compromise for mostly simple and one syllable words. Those more creative poets who have a good command of language and a handy dictionary do not suffer the constraints that this form places on them. I alas suffer in the camp who find themselve in the straight jacket.
Fine if your talking about rabbits and clowns not so good for complex concepts.
a Let me type my lust for you...
b it's the virtual way to screw!
a Does that make you hard for me?
b in this virtual reality
a here matters not
b c'mon baby make me hot!
Snatch tackles the limitation of this form with poor results. Poor if the intention was to write something erotic. If the intention was cute, then she has attained her goal. Yet, the world would lose something special if this little ditty replaced twinkle, twinkle little star.
Perhaps just a change to abba would help:
a Let me type my lust for you…
b It’s the virtual way to screw
b in this virtual reality
a Love here matters not
a Does that make you hard for me?
b c'mon baby make me hot!
Well, hey I think it does sound a bit more erotic this way. The point is expand your style. There are many ways to arrange a rhyme scheme. By the way, Shakespeare’s sonnets were written with an ab rhyme scheme with a few other technical thrown in.
On second thought she could just leave it alone, it is #1 after all.
U.P.
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
Sorry about the typo's here is the correct version
U.P.
Our new #1
Online Sex..
by *Snatch ©
Let me type my lust for you...
it's the virtual way to screw!
Does that make you hard for me?
in this virtual reality
Love here matters not
c'mon baby make me hot!
Sitting at my computer now,
naked and playing with myself somehow
while I read your words on screen,
like some kind of strange wet dream.
"Oh baby, oh baby" I see you type,
as you sit there playing with your pipe
"Stroke it for me" next you say,
"Suck my cock and make my day!"
"My hot mouth is on your cock.."
making it hard as a rock!"
while I'm here touching myself
wishing it were someone else.
This is sex in cyberspace
you sit on someone's virtual face
it can really be quite fun
especially if it makes you cum...
Snatch reminds me that maybe we need to step away from the monitor. I suppose it’s a normal evolution of the technology, but I’m sure the designers and manufactures of the first home computer when asked about it’s potential did not comment. “…and last but not least, you can have sex with it!” What does this have to do with Snatch’s poem, nothing really it’s just a thought.
Snatch has quite a body of work, and for those of us that can’t get enough Snatch (I think I fit in this catagory) this should tide you over for awhile:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/m...e.php?uid=16401
Snatch explores the online sex realm with an aabb rhyme scheme. This is the scheme that most children’s nursery rhymes use. So for me, this type of pattern cannot approach the necessary complexity to impart anything other than a whimsical tone. The aabb patterns often locks the user into quite a straight jacket word wise forcing the poet to compromise for mostly simple and one syllable words. Those more creative poets who have a good command of language and a handy dictionary do not suffer the constraints that this form places on them. I alas suffer in the camp who find themselve in the straight jacket.
Fine if your talking about rabbits and clowns not so good for complex concepts.
a Let me type my lust for you...
a it's the virtual way to screw!
b Does that make you hard for me?
b in this virtual reality
a here matters not
a c'mon baby make me hot!
Snatch tackles the limitation of this form with poor results. Poor if the intention was to write something erotic. If the intention was cute, then she has attained her goal. Yet, the world would lose something special if this little ditty replaced twinkle, twinkle little star.
Perhaps just a change to abba would help:
a Let me type my lust for you…
b It’s the virtual way to screw
b in this virtual reality
a Love here matters not
a Does that make you hard for me?
b c'mon baby make me hot!
Well, hey I think it does sound a bit more erotic this way. The point is expand your style. There are many ways to arrange a rhyme scheme. By the way, Shakespeare’s sonnets were written with an ab rhyme scheme with a few other technical twist thrown in.
On second thought she could just leave it alone, it is #1 after all.
U.P.
U.P.
Our new #1
Online Sex..
by *Snatch ©
Let me type my lust for you...
it's the virtual way to screw!
Does that make you hard for me?
in this virtual reality
Love here matters not
c'mon baby make me hot!
Sitting at my computer now,
naked and playing with myself somehow
while I read your words on screen,
like some kind of strange wet dream.
"Oh baby, oh baby" I see you type,
as you sit there playing with your pipe
"Stroke it for me" next you say,
"Suck my cock and make my day!"
"My hot mouth is on your cock.."
making it hard as a rock!"
while I'm here touching myself
wishing it were someone else.
This is sex in cyberspace
you sit on someone's virtual face
it can really be quite fun
especially if it makes you cum...
Snatch reminds me that maybe we need to step away from the monitor. I suppose it’s a normal evolution of the technology, but I’m sure the designers and manufactures of the first home computer when asked about it’s potential did not comment. “…and last but not least, you can have sex with it!” What does this have to do with Snatch’s poem, nothing really it’s just a thought.
Snatch has quite a body of work, and for those of us that can’t get enough Snatch (I think I fit in this catagory) this should tide you over for awhile:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/m...e.php?uid=16401
Snatch explores the online sex realm with an aabb rhyme scheme. This is the scheme that most children’s nursery rhymes use. So for me, this type of pattern cannot approach the necessary complexity to impart anything other than a whimsical tone. The aabb patterns often locks the user into quite a straight jacket word wise forcing the poet to compromise for mostly simple and one syllable words. Those more creative poets who have a good command of language and a handy dictionary do not suffer the constraints that this form places on them. I alas suffer in the camp who find themselve in the straight jacket.
Fine if your talking about rabbits and clowns not so good for complex concepts.
a Let me type my lust for you...
a it's the virtual way to screw!
b Does that make you hard for me?
b in this virtual reality
a here matters not
a c'mon baby make me hot!
Snatch tackles the limitation of this form with poor results. Poor if the intention was to write something erotic. If the intention was cute, then she has attained her goal. Yet, the world would lose something special if this little ditty replaced twinkle, twinkle little star.
Perhaps just a change to abba would help:
a Let me type my lust for you…
b It’s the virtual way to screw
b in this virtual reality
a Love here matters not
a Does that make you hard for me?
b c'mon baby make me hot!
Well, hey I think it does sound a bit more erotic this way. The point is expand your style. There are many ways to arrange a rhyme scheme. By the way, Shakespeare’s sonnets were written with an ab rhyme scheme with a few other technical twist thrown in.
On second thought she could just leave it alone, it is #1 after all.
U.P.
Last edited:
G
Guest
Guest
LOL........
U.P.
You do have a sharp bite, but it is clearly evident you are skilled in you're evaluations and critique of prose (and cons).
I believe that most of "us" write for the fun of it more than anything else. Afterall, if we were so perfectly skilled, we might even be making some money doing it professionally. And though you seem to enjoy finding as much fault in the poetry that is posted here as physically possible, warranted or not, keep in mind most of us write for the simple joy of expression.
True......we can all improve, and I will certainly take much of what I've read in you're evaluations of the poems you've mentioned here. It is afterall sound advise.
But.....lighten up a little. You always so serious?
I remain........
U.P.
You do have a sharp bite, but it is clearly evident you are skilled in you're evaluations and critique of prose (and cons).
I believe that most of "us" write for the fun of it more than anything else. Afterall, if we were so perfectly skilled, we might even be making some money doing it professionally. And though you seem to enjoy finding as much fault in the poetry that is posted here as physically possible, warranted or not, keep in mind most of us write for the simple joy of expression.
True......we can all improve, and I will certainly take much of what I've read in you're evaluations of the poems you've mentioned here. It is afterall sound advise.
But.....lighten up a little. You always so serious?
I remain........
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
Point well taken, Thesandman.
If my pen has been so sharp as to draw blood from the authors then I am sorry. My observations regarding structure and composition have been accurate, and even writers who write for fun want to get better.
In a review or observation of a poem, I am left with only two avenues. Praise and illustrate the parts that were done well, expose and illustrate the parts that were done poorly. I feel I do both.
What I hope happens is that those who read this thread see a poem that I have illustrated then go and read the artist. Also, that they take some note of the points I make and employ some of the techniques and avoid some of the pitfalls.
I try to avoid just saying this is wrong or bad without saying why. I make suggestions to the writer to improve the piece. And, I always try to state that these are my opinions. My PM gets attention as you can imagine. Most of the comments start out with "I'm crazy for asking this but can you take a look at my poem..."
I have had two separate casual authors complain to me that their poems are very well received here and when they take them outside and post these masterpieces in several different poetry forums they get reamed and run out of town.
The cursory "great job!" or "check this out!" is a bunch of hogwash that helps no one.
In each review I try to focus on different errors that poets make, between this thread and The New Poem thread. I have spoken at length about 9 poems, 9 different authors. If someone is following my observations, they now have nine different ways to make their writing more effective and they have illustrations (some may be poor) as well. I never criticize a poem from all angles.
And I hope anyone reading my observations can tell that I am having fun. I wouldn’t take me too seriously.
A kinder, gentler Unmasked Poet perhaps, I value your opinion.
Thank you,
U.P.
If my pen has been so sharp as to draw blood from the authors then I am sorry. My observations regarding structure and composition have been accurate, and even writers who write for fun want to get better.
In a review or observation of a poem, I am left with only two avenues. Praise and illustrate the parts that were done well, expose and illustrate the parts that were done poorly. I feel I do both.
What I hope happens is that those who read this thread see a poem that I have illustrated then go and read the artist. Also, that they take some note of the points I make and employ some of the techniques and avoid some of the pitfalls.
I try to avoid just saying this is wrong or bad without saying why. I make suggestions to the writer to improve the piece. And, I always try to state that these are my opinions. My PM gets attention as you can imagine. Most of the comments start out with "I'm crazy for asking this but can you take a look at my poem..."
I have had two separate casual authors complain to me that their poems are very well received here and when they take them outside and post these masterpieces in several different poetry forums they get reamed and run out of town.
The cursory "great job!" or "check this out!" is a bunch of hogwash that helps no one.
In each review I try to focus on different errors that poets make, between this thread and The New Poem thread. I have spoken at length about 9 poems, 9 different authors. If someone is following my observations, they now have nine different ways to make their writing more effective and they have illustrations (some may be poor) as well. I never criticize a poem from all angles.
And I hope anyone reading my observations can tell that I am having fun. I wouldn’t take me too seriously.
A kinder, gentler Unmasked Poet perhaps, I value your opinion.
Thank you,
U.P.
Last edited:
G
Guest
Guest
LOL........
And don't take me wrong either U.P. I actually had to agree with you wholeheartedly regarding After Glow. I mean it WAS written several years ago, and not that I've improved all THAT much, I do hope there has been SOME improvement, not only in my poetry, but in the stories I write as well.
Right now I have a story, Mrs. Doubfire....thats on the Story Discussion for this week. It's taking a bit of a beating....
but thats ok too. Again, how else will any of us see our flaws except through someone elses eyes?
I've never considered myself to be a "writer"....I have always stated that. But I DO hope that many would consider me a fairly decent Story Teller. And thats what I have attempted to do here on Literotica.
Poetry is harder to accomplish. And I'll be the first to admit that.
Trying to tell a story, or capture a thought and be able to convey it in such a way to the reader as to be entertaining, let alone understood through poetry, is far more difficult than most people realize.
I'm glad you are having fun with this. I hated to think you were just a mean and nasty individual. I don't mind someone telling me something I've written stinks.....as long as they smile when they say it!
To sleep.........perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain.........
And don't take me wrong either U.P. I actually had to agree with you wholeheartedly regarding After Glow. I mean it WAS written several years ago, and not that I've improved all THAT much, I do hope there has been SOME improvement, not only in my poetry, but in the stories I write as well.
Right now I have a story, Mrs. Doubfire....thats on the Story Discussion for this week. It's taking a bit of a beating....
but thats ok too. Again, how else will any of us see our flaws except through someone elses eyes?I've never considered myself to be a "writer"....I have always stated that. But I DO hope that many would consider me a fairly decent Story Teller. And thats what I have attempted to do here on Literotica.
Poetry is harder to accomplish. And I'll be the first to admit that.
Trying to tell a story, or capture a thought and be able to convey it in such a way to the reader as to be entertaining, let alone understood through poetry, is far more difficult than most people realize.
I'm glad you are having fun with this. I hated to think you were just a mean and nasty individual. I don't mind someone telling me something I've written stinks.....as long as they smile when they say it!
To sleep.........perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain.........
G
Guest
Guest
Well.......
And if you get a chance SA Storm....take a look at my other poems and vote if you would so they will eventually make the #1 lists...and then I can see what U.P. does to those three...
LOL.....
To sleep......perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain.......
And if you get a chance SA Storm....take a look at my other poems and vote if you would so they will eventually make the #1 lists...and then I can see what U.P. does to those three...
LOL.....
To sleep......perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain.......
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
Thesandman,
I must remind you that I liked your poem, I said it made me "smile" (no small feat) and also with a few minor corrections it could be good. Gee I didn't think that so harsh. One day when your so inclined go back and revisit Afterglow.
SA,
Most comments have some value, (like poems) you just have to know how to look for their charm. Oh by the way whenever your ready just keep in mind. "This won't hurt a bit!"
U.P.
I must remind you that I liked your poem, I said it made me "smile" (no small feat) and also with a few minor corrections it could be good. Gee I didn't think that so harsh. One day when your so inclined go back and revisit Afterglow.
SA,
Most comments have some value, (like poems) you just have to know how to look for their charm. Oh by the way whenever your ready just keep in mind. "This won't hurt a bit!"
U.P.
G
Guest
Guest
Point taken U.P.
In fact....I intend on doing just that. I'd like to see what I can do with Afterglow, and then perhaps...you can smile on that one again too!
Seriously...I did take your evaluation to heart, and found it sound and worthy advise.
And SA Storm...I forgot the link to my poems/stories. Here it is...as well as for anyone else who might be interested.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/category_toplist.php?type=story
To sleep.......perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain..........
In fact....I intend on doing just that. I'd like to see what I can do with Afterglow, and then perhaps...you can smile on that one again too!
Seriously...I did take your evaluation to heart, and found it sound and worthy advise.
And SA Storm...I forgot the link to my poems/stories. Here it is...as well as for anyone else who might be interested.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/category_toplist.php?type=story
To sleep.......perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain..........
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
Khul Waters makes a return to the highest office in the land, at least the land of poetry at Literotica.
Morning Delight
by Khul Waters ©
A sudden spasm in my mind
And I lay there awake in bed
Eyes still seeing you under me
Moving images in my head
I could still hear breathing
Loud, fast, ragged it came
Your wrists held silky tight
Against the wooden frame
My cock was thick, pulsing
It knew where it had been
It urged me close my eyes
And to finish off that scene
As any erect male would do
I attended to my best mate
I closed my lids on the world
And went to seal your fate
My mouth slid into heaven
I sucked and licked and bit
I tasted your wet arousal
Tongue flicking in your slit
I lifted high your sweet arse
Your slit was there to see
Took it hard and deeply
It was a lover’s gift to me
Tied ankles pulling hard
You thrust up your clit
Squirming and moaning
Needing now to be bit
I stopped, took lips away
Took them from your hips
Lowering my pulsing cock
Slowly to touch your lips
They moulded to me softly
You tasted my urgent need
Your mouth gently pulling
As you sucked out my seed
My fingers held you open
I looked down at your gift
You felt my eyes on you
Your hips began to shift
I stroked at your wet opening
As you slid along my cock
My teeth clamped on your clit
Your lips tighten then lock
Your mouth moved on its own
I was no longer able to think
Your tongue lapped inside my eye
Wanting to taste, to drink
My teeth scraped your pulsing
Fingers opened up your need
Thick and rough they entered
With a sudden need for speed
Your mouth did not help me
Knowing I couldn’t long hold
Lips squeezing me tightly
Tongue becoming more bold
I felt the surge of loving joy
Throbbing up my shaft
Clamping mouth held it
Wanting to make it last
My fingers fucked inside you
Rubbing against your walls
Your tongue slid slowly down
To lap against my balls.
Released my cum filled you
Streamed out from inside me
Your lips smiling round me
And I wondered who was free
I wonder who was really tied
As your head lifted to drink
You lay there tied below me
Yet took me over the brink.
And as I slowly softened
As my shudders slowly went
I wondered at the power
Of the lover I had been sent.
Who was indeed the teacher
And who had taken whom
My eyes blinked and opened -
I was alone in my room.
I thought about tomorrows
When I wouldn’t lie alone
Need not dream fantasies
Would not need the phone.
Darling who is the master
And who is learning here
Right then with a wet cock
That answer was not clear.
I just know that my joy
Spirals my lust for you
With you tied under me
There’s nothing I can do.
Until we lie close together
Until our two lives are shared
I will dream of such joys
Of special moments shared.
Morning Delight (an uninspired title) allows us to see a sunrise, a pole rise, and a rude awakening. It’s a very long poem. I’ll say it again, it’s a very long poem.
Let’s talk about words, words to poetry are like salt to popcorn there’s a fine line between enough seasoning and too much. The largest problem with Khul Waters Morning Ode is that we have too much.
The first line:
“A sudden spasm in my mind”
While the words are understandable they are not clear. Did his brain throb? Did he feel a jolt? It appears he is talking about some sort of overwhelming quick recognition if that is the case why couldn’t he say that.
The last two lines of that stanza:
“Eyes still seeing you under me”
”Moving images in my head”
Okay again I understand. The vision, daydream, memory of his lover is causing him to see more of her in his mind.
Yet a clear image of these events would serve the poem far better.
The second stanza suffers the same ills.
“Your wrist held silky tight.”
Okay so silk scarves or restraints are holding her wrist.
The remainder of the poem exhibits more of the same.
Often in poetry we try so hard to be poetic we forget that we must also be clear especially if we want the reader to follows us for 24 stanzas.
While all of this is going on we are also treated to a rhyming scheme. I think the rhyming scheme dictated the authors word choice to some extent. Also much of the rhyming is strained.
Why do so many poets rhyme, well I think because it’s easier unless you’re tackling a complex scheme. This poem rhymes on the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza. We rhyme because its second nature. Besides mothers milk we coo and giggle Mother Goose and Dr. Seuss.
Hey maybe I can work that last line into a poem.
The poem does tell us a story, and when you get to the end you realize the delight is in the dream.
Morning Delight is playful; it’s also not one of Khul’s better works.
Check out some of KW’s good stuff.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=56368
U.P.
Morning Delight
by Khul Waters ©
A sudden spasm in my mind
And I lay there awake in bed
Eyes still seeing you under me
Moving images in my head
I could still hear breathing
Loud, fast, ragged it came
Your wrists held silky tight
Against the wooden frame
My cock was thick, pulsing
It knew where it had been
It urged me close my eyes
And to finish off that scene
As any erect male would do
I attended to my best mate
I closed my lids on the world
And went to seal your fate
My mouth slid into heaven
I sucked and licked and bit
I tasted your wet arousal
Tongue flicking in your slit
I lifted high your sweet arse
Your slit was there to see
Took it hard and deeply
It was a lover’s gift to me
Tied ankles pulling hard
You thrust up your clit
Squirming and moaning
Needing now to be bit
I stopped, took lips away
Took them from your hips
Lowering my pulsing cock
Slowly to touch your lips
They moulded to me softly
You tasted my urgent need
Your mouth gently pulling
As you sucked out my seed
My fingers held you open
I looked down at your gift
You felt my eyes on you
Your hips began to shift
I stroked at your wet opening
As you slid along my cock
My teeth clamped on your clit
Your lips tighten then lock
Your mouth moved on its own
I was no longer able to think
Your tongue lapped inside my eye
Wanting to taste, to drink
My teeth scraped your pulsing
Fingers opened up your need
Thick and rough they entered
With a sudden need for speed
Your mouth did not help me
Knowing I couldn’t long hold
Lips squeezing me tightly
Tongue becoming more bold
I felt the surge of loving joy
Throbbing up my shaft
Clamping mouth held it
Wanting to make it last
My fingers fucked inside you
Rubbing against your walls
Your tongue slid slowly down
To lap against my balls.
Released my cum filled you
Streamed out from inside me
Your lips smiling round me
And I wondered who was free
I wonder who was really tied
As your head lifted to drink
You lay there tied below me
Yet took me over the brink.
And as I slowly softened
As my shudders slowly went
I wondered at the power
Of the lover I had been sent.
Who was indeed the teacher
And who had taken whom
My eyes blinked and opened -
I was alone in my room.
I thought about tomorrows
When I wouldn’t lie alone
Need not dream fantasies
Would not need the phone.
Darling who is the master
And who is learning here
Right then with a wet cock
That answer was not clear.
I just know that my joy
Spirals my lust for you
With you tied under me
There’s nothing I can do.
Until we lie close together
Until our two lives are shared
I will dream of such joys
Of special moments shared.
Morning Delight (an uninspired title) allows us to see a sunrise, a pole rise, and a rude awakening. It’s a very long poem. I’ll say it again, it’s a very long poem.
Let’s talk about words, words to poetry are like salt to popcorn there’s a fine line between enough seasoning and too much. The largest problem with Khul Waters Morning Ode is that we have too much.
The first line:
“A sudden spasm in my mind”
While the words are understandable they are not clear. Did his brain throb? Did he feel a jolt? It appears he is talking about some sort of overwhelming quick recognition if that is the case why couldn’t he say that.
The last two lines of that stanza:
“Eyes still seeing you under me”
”Moving images in my head”
Okay again I understand. The vision, daydream, memory of his lover is causing him to see more of her in his mind.
Yet a clear image of these events would serve the poem far better.
The second stanza suffers the same ills.
“Your wrist held silky tight.”
Okay so silk scarves or restraints are holding her wrist.
The remainder of the poem exhibits more of the same.
Often in poetry we try so hard to be poetic we forget that we must also be clear especially if we want the reader to follows us for 24 stanzas.
While all of this is going on we are also treated to a rhyming scheme. I think the rhyming scheme dictated the authors word choice to some extent. Also much of the rhyming is strained.
Why do so many poets rhyme, well I think because it’s easier unless you’re tackling a complex scheme. This poem rhymes on the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza. We rhyme because its second nature. Besides mothers milk we coo and giggle Mother Goose and Dr. Seuss.
Hey maybe I can work that last line into a poem.
The poem does tell us a story, and when you get to the end you realize the delight is in the dream.
Morning Delight is playful; it’s also not one of Khul’s better works.
Check out some of KW’s good stuff.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=56368
U.P.
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
A sonnet! A haiku! My kingdom for free verse!
WickedEve is Queen long live the Queen!
Quickie Quartet
by WickedEve ©
One
Down I slide
I can't decide
Sit here and grind
Or go for a ride
So up and down
And all around
It blows my mind
To ride and pound
Two
Sex quick and sweet
Moving to a dirty beat
Bodies sweat with heat
Racing to complete
This hurried feat
Three
Little panty sweets
Creamy yellow with candy hearts
Pink love symbols, multi-colored treats
Sticky wet cotton on tasty female parts
Four
Caution: slippery when wet
Warning: dangerous curves ahead
Just thought you should know
Before you hop into my bed
And now Ladies and Gentlemen the review:
One
Not much to say we’ve talked of rhymes
We’ve talked at least a dozen times.
To the first of four, I must confess
So far to date, this is the best.
Two
I’ve lost my smile
This one was rough
The rhythm off
The meter tough
Three
A good to eat sweet treat!
First two lines work well. The third line fills our head with candies, “multi-colored” Yum.
On the fourth “tasty” interferes with the rhyme but I’d leave it. The images are well crafted the story is complete.
I like it.
Four
The surface is lovely
The hills a bit steep
My brakes shoes need lining
Or I’m in too deep.
It just occurred to me; (sometimes I’m a bit slow.) I forgot to talk about why most of WickedEve’s worked.
Yes, she took a simple rhyme scheme, and as you know I’m not fond of most simple schemes (one of my many flaws.) They work because she matched the technical capabilities of her scheme to the words and the subject matter. She did not try to force a basic scheme to stretch and encompass a complex theme. She also kept the poems short again staying within the limits of the form she chose to use. That’s why 3 out of 4 of the poems work well for me, at least that’s my opinion.
For those who still have a sweet tooth WickedEve is open all night. ) Her poetry of course.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=57753
U.P.
.
WickedEve is Queen long live the Queen!
Quickie Quartet
by WickedEve ©
One
Down I slide
I can't decide
Sit here and grind
Or go for a ride
So up and down
And all around
It blows my mind
To ride and pound
Two
Sex quick and sweet
Moving to a dirty beat
Bodies sweat with heat
Racing to complete
This hurried feat
Three
Little panty sweets
Creamy yellow with candy hearts
Pink love symbols, multi-colored treats
Sticky wet cotton on tasty female parts
Four
Caution: slippery when wet
Warning: dangerous curves ahead
Just thought you should know
Before you hop into my bed
And now Ladies and Gentlemen the review:
One
Not much to say we’ve talked of rhymes
We’ve talked at least a dozen times.
To the first of four, I must confess
So far to date, this is the best.
Two
I’ve lost my smile
This one was rough
The rhythm off
The meter tough
Three
A good to eat sweet treat!
First two lines work well. The third line fills our head with candies, “multi-colored” Yum.
On the fourth “tasty” interferes with the rhyme but I’d leave it. The images are well crafted the story is complete.
I like it.
Four
The surface is lovely
The hills a bit steep
My brakes shoes need lining
Or I’m in too deep.
It just occurred to me; (sometimes I’m a bit slow.) I forgot to talk about why most of WickedEve’s worked.
Yes, she took a simple rhyme scheme, and as you know I’m not fond of most simple schemes (one of my many flaws.) They work because she matched the technical capabilities of her scheme to the words and the subject matter. She did not try to force a basic scheme to stretch and encompass a complex theme. She also kept the poems short again staying within the limits of the form she chose to use. That’s why 3 out of 4 of the poems work well for me, at least that’s my opinion.
For those who still have a sweet tooth WickedEve is open all night. ) Her poetry of course.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=57753
U.P.
.
Last edited:
daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
Where are the fans
Unmasked--
Diggin' what you do, critic.
Real curious why folks aren't complaining, agreeing, adding to your reviews. I've enjoyed your commentary. Your humor and tact apparently makes your criticism palatable.
Thanks for the mini lessons and witty commentary. Folks are being read. I think some credit goes to you.
Peace,
daughter
Unmasked--
Diggin' what you do, critic.
Real curious why folks aren't complaining, agreeing, adding to your reviews. I've enjoyed your commentary. Your humor and tact apparently makes your criticism palatable.
Thanks for the mini lessons and witty commentary. Folks are being read. I think some credit goes to you.
Peace,
daughter
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
Unmasked Poet, I've been a nervous wreck watching that Quickie Quartet climb to number one. I emailed friends to vote it down. I gave other poems a 5! A danced naked in front of my computer hoping it wouldn't make it to number one! (I don't know what I expected to happen with naked dancing, but I enjoyed it.) Why did I do all this you ask? I'm afraid of you! lol I thought you'd read these poems and say, "Oh god, I'll never read poetry again after that!"
By the way, Wet Pet may hit number 1 next... unless I can stop it! I'm getting naked as I type.
By the way, Wet Pet may hit number 1 next... unless I can stop it! I'm getting naked as I type.
Last edited:
G
Guest
Guest
Hey wicked!
Maybe you have a point there. Perhaps I was wrong asking you to vote on any of my poems.....
They could be next! LOL.
But as I've already indicated, I think U.P. has in fact done a fairly decent job here. Obviously he is talented, and must have the scholarly training in this department that the average would be, wanna be poets don't have.
His points are well taken. And if nothing else, I do believe he's starting to smile a little more often.
To sleep........perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain........
Maybe you have a point there. Perhaps I was wrong asking you to vote on any of my poems.....
They could be next! LOL.
But as I've already indicated, I think U.P. has in fact done a fairly decent job here. Obviously he is talented, and must have the scholarly training in this department that the average would be, wanna be poets don't have.
His points are well taken. And if nothing else, I do believe he's starting to smile a little more often.
To sleep........perchance to dream - William Shakespear
I remain........
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
Laurel,
No offense was ever taken, I am under six feet tall.
WickedEve,
Had I known my comments would illicit this sort of response I would have required all #1s and new poem entries to install a PC camera. I am engrossed with the poem you provided, and my nurse assures me there is only a 75% chance the patient could die.
The Sandman,
Smile not likely, Afterall I grew up longing for The Christmas season not for the reason you think though. My two idol's could be proudly posted over my bed without fuss from my dear Mother. (The Grinch and Scrooge)...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
U.P.
No offense was ever taken, I am under six feet tall.
WickedEve,
Had I known my comments would illicit this sort of response I would have required all #1s and new poem entries to install a PC camera. I am engrossed with the poem you provided, and my nurse assures me there is only a 75% chance the patient could die.
The Sandman,
Smile not likely, Afterall I grew up longing for The Christmas season not for the reason you think though. My two idol's could be proudly posted over my bed without fuss from my dear Mother. (The Grinch and Scrooge)...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
U.P.
Last edited:
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
[No message]
Last edited:
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
I'll remember the camera the next time, but be warned, there's much flailing of the limbs and primitive, wild gyrations in this particular naked dance. It's like a rain dance, except I'm dancing for poetic reasons.
Unmasked Poet, what do I have to do to get you to look at a poem that I haven't yet submitted? (Besides, letting you see that dance of mine.) I added it to my last post but removed it. I wasn't sure if this was the proper place for it.
Engrossed with the Quickies? You're not getting soft on me, are you? I'm surprised you didn't eat them alive and spit them out!
Teasingly,
Wicked Eve
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
WickedEve,
My comment was aimed at the poem you posted to the thread. Since you have removed it, perhaps you should hook up that camera.
Simply send your poem to me via PM or email.
In my review of your quickies check the bottom section, I do say why I liked most of them.
By the way my other interest include tribal and folklore dances.
U.P.
My comment was aimed at the poem you posted to the thread. Since you have removed it, perhaps you should hook up that camera.
Simply send your poem to me via PM or email.
In my review of your quickies check the bottom section, I do say why I liked most of them.
By the way my other interest include tribal and folklore dances.
U.P.
Last edited:
Tnx UM
I confess I'm not a great fan of poetry in general. There are poems and poets I enjoy: Nash, cummings, Carroll, and Eliot come to mind. So do Coleridge, Khayam, and anyone who can write a strict form Limerick.
Since I am stupid where poetry is concerned, the Unmasked Poet is the recipient of my appreciation. His (her?) insightful commentary has provided the why to my otherwise unclear likes and dislikes. Best of all, he does not bring an artsy fartsy pretentiousness to the forum.
As helpful as she (he?) is, she does fall short of Humpty Dumpty:
Since Mr. Dumpty's great fall, you're the best. Stay hard.
g
I confess I'm not a great fan of poetry in general. There are poems and poets I enjoy: Nash, cummings, Carroll, and Eliot come to mind. So do Coleridge, Khayam, and anyone who can write a strict form Limerick.
Since I am stupid where poetry is concerned, the Unmasked Poet is the recipient of my appreciation. His (her?) insightful commentary has provided the why to my otherwise unclear likes and dislikes. Best of all, he does not bring an artsy fartsy pretentiousness to the forum.
As helpful as she (he?) is, she does fall short of Humpty Dumpty:
Since Mr. Dumpty's great fall, you're the best. Stay hard.
g
RisiaSkye
Artistic
- Joined
- May 1, 2000
- Posts
- 4,387
Unmasked
I've found your critiques thoughtful and fair. Since you've been so generous with your time and thoughts, and were willing to take on the not-#1 "Afterglow," I was wondering if you'd be willing to do the same for "Athletic Discipline."
Be warned, though--it's free verse! heh.http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=23067
I've found your critiques thoughtful and fair. Since you've been so generous with your time and thoughts, and were willing to take on the not-#1 "Afterglow," I was wondering if you'd be willing to do the same for "Athletic Discipline."
Be warned, though--it's free verse! heh.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=23067
