The new #1

[Unmasked Poet]

It's in the works

RisiaSkye,

Thank you for your comments, I have visted this poem and will offer my opinions.


U.P.

 

[Guest]

WickedEve takes us back to her undergarments. This time with differant results.

About My Panties
by WickedEve ©

My panties cling to my cunt
Wetness flows between my lips
Dark hairs curl with moisture
Drop of pussy dew drips

Trickles so hot and nasty
Runs down my thigh
Feeling coming from inside my panties
Makes me sweat and sigh

W.E. Based on your last poem I have developed a fondness for your work. I must say though, I was also doing a dance hoping that this poem would not ascend to the throne.

I harken back to Killer Muffins wonderful post about poetry, one of the 10 questions asked:
"What's a poem?" We'll this one does meet the definition. Why you may ask? It has stanzas, it has rhmye. Why it even tells a story. What it lacks is the most elusive quality of all a soul, that ineffable thing that makes us laugh, cry or care. Why with a soul (some call it heart)
A bad poem can become mediocre.
A mediocre poem can elevate to good.
A good poem become very good.
I have read the most technically wonderful scribe that was trash because it lacked a soul.

This is more a narration than a laundry list, the rhyme is cumbersome. A better choice of words could have helped. Perhaps something like:

Panties clinging to my cunt
Wetness on my lips
Dark hairs curl with moisture
Pussy starts to drip

Sorry it's not much better, but look what I had to work with. It's the words that handicap this poem.
This poem lack the tickle and tease of her last #1. Where is the whimsical nature that was so up front. Words! Words! The words simply do not dance off the tongue.

I suppose it had to happen, "All good things..."

U.P.

Try out some more of WickedEve undies

 

[tigerjen]

re: "About My Panties" by WickedEve

Just read Unregistered's comments re: "About My Panties".....
I still think its a good poem, and its great the way it is...and its
awesome it made onto the toplist!

 

[WickedEve]

Sorry it's not much better, but look what I had to work with. It's the words that handicap this poem.

I agree.

 

[WickedEve]

 

[tigerjen]

conspiracy theory?

I agree with you on this one. This is one of the first I submitted. It made number one last week. It just keeps coming back to haunt me! It's a conspiracy! lol

WickedEve....

Could it be a conspiracy theory?
I'm part of that conspiracy to promote "About My Panties".....
then it got to #1 ......call me the CIA then

TJ

 

[WickedEve]

 

[tigerjen]

TJ in the CIA...heehee

It figures! I knew you were behind the panty conspiracy!

Heehee WickedEve......
I've committed espionage with panties!!
Which ones.....satin, cotton, lace? *giggle*

TJ

 

[daughter]

great poem

deleted.

 

[WickedEve]

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Tigerjen,
I must object, while your comments are very welcome and I have been hoping that others would join the fray with commentary.I had hoped that the conversation would be a little more enlightening. I'm pleased you liked WickedEve's poem but pray tell us why? I do not wish to debate the poem with you. Yet a different perspective/opinion would be refreshing.

I know that most poets here write for fun, but we do a diservice telling them everything they write is good. How could they possibly write better? And most do want to write better.

I'm not suggesting you write a thousands words on the poem. Just write something meaningful. I'm asking nicely, I'm imploring.

I also love light banter and witty repartee and had I read some I might not be such a putz about your comments. Lets surround our frivolity with insight. Please do not reduce this thread to only numb one liners, and giggles. We already have those here in abundance.
Then again, it's a free country, a free thread.

One last note before you single-handly unleash another one of your clandestine campaigns, perhaps you could read the bulk of the poets work and pick one you like and tell us why. Weilding such power must be an awsome responsibilty. If I only had a flake of such power the good that I could do.
Rest fair one, you must be fatigued? You wear your crown and nobility well.

Your humble servant.
U.P.

 

[Guest]

LOL........

Secretly...he really is smiling.

He must be. If not outright giggling though trying to hold it in.

You really are good U.P.

BTW....I did a little happy dance my self the other night WickedEve. Might even consider writing a poem about it....or not.


I remain.......

 

[Whispersecret]

As a writer, of course I like it when someone tells me, "Your story was awesome!" However, I much prefer it when they pinpoint something even just a little more specific, like, "Your story was awesome. I loved the scene by the river." Every tiny bit of information about what made my writing work for that particular reader helps me improve. It solidifies in my mind, perhaps on a subconscious level, how I've communicated to that reader.

Perhaps, TJ, you should make an effort to be more specific in your praise. If nothing else, it will focus your thoughts on the writing elements you liked and which you might then apply to your own work.

 

[tigerjen]

re: being more specific

As a writer, of course I like it when someone tells me,
"Your story was awesome!" However, I much prefer it
when they pinpoint something even just a little more
specific, like, "Your story was awesome. I loved the scene
by the river." Every tiny bit of information about what
made my writing work for that particular reader helps
me improve. It solidifies in my mind, perhaps on
a subconscious level, how I've communicated to that
reader.
Perhaps, TJ, you should make an effort to be more
specific in your praise. If nothing else, it will focus
your thoughts on the writing elements you liked and
which you might then apply to your own
work.

Hi Whispersecret!
I know you have not been the only one who has been
commenting on me not "saying why" I thought this
poem was awesome etc. I will attempt to make an
effort to keep the "why" in mind when promoting....but
i dont' want to give away too much info.......spoils the
anticipation for reading something (just my opinion here),
but if writers want the "why", then I will try my best
with it. As I have told two others already, I have a difficult
time, at times, expressing "why" this piece of writing
was good. At times, it is hard for me because I need
to put the statement into the right context. I don't know
if this is making sense, but this is the way I know how.

Any suggestions for "reasons why" for promoting would
be helpful!
Thank you.......... TJ

 

[Guest]

Oh No!!!!!!!!

U.P. Please disregard "The Encounter" on the #1 poems list.

I honestly have No idea how it got there....certainly doesn't belong there....(Did I just open myself up or what?)

Besides....you've already enlightened me as to the errors of my ways...and these were all written before I took you're instructive course on what a poem really is.

So no need to review this one, afterall...after today it will in all likelihood disapear into oblivion anyway....

To sleep......perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I remain........

 

[daughter]

Now, Mr. T

You know I voted for you. I gave you an honest vote. No whining now, friend.

No doubt UP will be stuffin' his bird and laughin' with his kin. Don't worry about a silly ribbin' from the critic.

We know you're good friends anyway with the way you two have been yuckin' it up.

Enjoy your holiday, Thesandman.

Peace,

daughter

 

[PeterBilt]

Re: Re: PM

Gee what great advice,I think I might follow it.

Some people have way too much time on their hands....

How about some hands on your time? Just a thought ...

 

[Whispersecret]

Well, I'm not a big reader of poetry, so identifying particularly good scenes isn't an option I suppose. Perhaps you could quote particular phrases or lines that affected you. You could also tell the author how the poem made you feel, or what thoughts or memories it evoked. You could comment on the flow, the imagery, etc.

 

[REDWAVE]

Cingular Connection-- Rasputin's daughter makes daddy proud

The latest #1 poem, "Cingular Connection," by daughter, poignantly evokes the sense of bittersweet loss felt by separated lovers. As usual for daughter's work, it is extremely well crafted, and obviously has been rewritten, honed, and polished. Note the highly effective repetition of the first few words at the end. daughter just keeps getting better and better! She's a serious poet, not just a smutslopper.

 

[daughter]

Re: Cingular Connection-- Rasputin's daughter makes daddy proud

The latest #1 poem, "Cingular Connection," by daughter, poignantly evokes the sense of bittersweet loss felt by separated lovers. As usual for daughter's work, it is extremely well crafted, and obviously has been rewritten, honed, and polished. Note the highly effective repetition of the first few words at the end.


Thank you, REDWAVE! I have been out of town so I'm just reading this. I am thrilled with your commentary. Yes, this is about loss and longing of separated lovers. Yes, I have rewritten and polished this till I got a draft I was happy with. A good friend and poet helped me most with the linebreaks. The repetition is a definitive element in the piece, and so I am esctastic that you noted it.

Thanks for calling me a serious poet. I am serious student who takes her writing seriously. I like my smut, but yes I am keenly interested in communicating it with style and effort.

You are always honest with me. When I miss the mark, you let me know. When you praise me, I am convinced I have earned it.

#1 was short-lived, but your feedback will linger for quite a long time.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Hello strangers,

It would seem I have missed much in my absence. Many #1s have come and gone. The current top spot is a poem I have already favored with my opinion. So what’s an Unmasked Poet to do? “Idle hands…”

RisiaSkye, graciously offered her poem “Athletic Discipline” for comments please join me as I offer mine and jump on the bandwagon.

RisiaSkye, most often constructs poems with a desperate tinge. Not to imply a helpless aspect, but a declaration of some kind of resigned passion in her subjects. In reading all her works I was struck by this consistent thread. Her practiced gaze at the foibles of emotions is interesting indeed.

Athletic Discipline
by RisiaSkye ©
(Author's note: if you've never watched a gymnast on the rings, you don't know what you're missing!)

On the performance floor,
coquettish spandex starts a guessing game--
He wants me..he wants me not.
But I am blocked from your view
as your concentration narrows to
a single sweet spot.

In my dreams you are naked
sweat beads drip down your spine
marble hard muscles strain
at the confines of shining skin.

The wires vanish at vaulted ceilings,
you must be lifted to your place.
Trembling with exertion
you hold the required pose for seconds
stretching to eternity,
a pagan messiah on your
hidden iron cross.

In my dreams you hang there
silent and still,
a marvel of restraint
quaking under my touch.
The lash swings at your back,
makes you slave and master both.

Commentators wonder at your powers,
your discipline.
I am lost at the word,
dreams intrude into daytime
visions of hard muscled mastery
submitting to the training
that only I can give.

Risia,

I enjoyed your poem. I do have a few observations.

First Stanza: Your poem is carefully constructed I feel you do not need, “On the performance floor”
”Coquettish spandex” is a nice turn of phrase and would be a good start. I do not like the supporting introspective line “starts a guessing game-- He wants me. he wants me not.”
Why would he want you, do you know the athlete? Does he know you? My read on this is that you are a spectator engaged in a fantasy. If that assumption is correct the line “blocked from view” doesn’t work either.

A structure similar to this would present the feel of duality that you re employing, and support the second stanza a bit better in my opinion. I would not alter the second stanza.

The third stanza could use a more direct focus. Eliminate the word “The”, and change “at” to “into.” Now is the time to expand the dual nature of your poem alternate the actual (what you see) with fantasy. (what you desire) This can easily be accomplished by rearranging the lines. Where possible use the vernacular of the sport more.
Notice the deletion of “stretching to eternity,” While a nice image this line is visually not needed and verbally creates unneeded syllables.

On the fourth stanza, out comes the scissors again cut:
“In my dreams”
and start with:
“you hang there silent and still,”
I would not change much in this stanza you might find a way to again present the dual aspects. By reforming the last line to show the symbiotic nature of your “discipline.”

The last stanza seems disjointed. For me it is an awkward end to a good poem. Below are the illustrated changes I mentioned above. I hope my opinion offers some ideas on how you might begin to refine this poem.

Coquettish spandex starts both our routines
His skill, my want.
But I am not in your view
your concentration narrows to
a single sweet spot. As does mine.

In my dreams you are naked
sweat beads drip down your spine
marble hard muscles strain
at the confines of shining skin.

Wires vanish into vaulted ceilings.
You are lifted into place,
a pagan messiah on a iron cross.
We both tremble with exertion
You holding the required pose for seconds
I compulsorily holding my breath

You hang there
silent and still,
a marvel of restraint
quaking under my touch.
The lash swings at your back,
making us slave and master both.

Commentators wonder at your powers,
your discipline.
I am lost at the word,
dreams intrude into daytime
visions of hard muscled mastery
submitting to the training
that only I can give.

Risia, I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed his and your exercise. Oh and one more thing "We don't need an authors note" we get it! Trust your construction and your work to say everything.

For more sweat from Risia go to: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=795

And tell her what you think.

U.P.

 

[REDWAVE]

Try 7

Hey, UP, if you're looking for something to do, you could take a crack at my poem "Seven of Nine" at
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=23033

It's not #1-- in fact, none of my poems have even made the toplist-- but I'd be interested to see what you think of it.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Unmasked

While I am not entirely satisfied with your revisions, I do see many of the points that you bring out as useful notes. I have a tendency to overstate the image or emotion, failing to trust either my work or the audience (perhaps both) to understand the implicit and intentional duality unless it is made explicit. By the same token, however, I am very reticent to merge the two completely, as you have done in the rewrite. An interesting dilemma, and one I'll have to give futher thought.

I definitely agree that several lines over literalize, taking away from the fantasy element. I particularly like the removal of the first line, and the idea behind the first stanza rewrite. The story needs clarification, or else to stick to the expressed duality of fantasy/real. Hmm...I'll have to think on that a bit.

I'm not sure what to make of the initial comment that my work shows a desperate tinge--on one hand I agree, as I'm fascinated by the power games implcit in seduction; on the other hand, I don't attempt to remove agency from the characters with whom I do not share sympathies. It's an interesting and provocative observation, in any case.

Thank you very much for your considered comments, and the helpful revision notes. I'll be sure to keep these things in mind, and I very much appreciate your valuable editorial assistance.


Risia

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Risia,

Thank you for your response. I assure you my editorial liberties were only added to suggest my opinion and not finnish the poem. Rather suggest a method or style to sharpen what I gleamed from "Artistic Discipline" We all see different things when we look at the same work. My prejudices proceed me and I attempt to rise above them.

I look forward to reading more of your art.

U.P.

 

[Khul Waters]

Who will appraise the Appraiser? sub-titled Throwing Khul Water on an Unmasked Poet

As I write this I am smiling wryly at myself because I told myself I would not get caught up in the responses to my poems and here I am getting caught up! Well, I have never claimed to be consistent, just to be as true to myself as I can manage. And at the very least I get to surprise myself with my turnabouts!

Unmasked, your responses are often thought-provoking and you are to be commended for attempting (lol, and with me succeeding in) evoking debate and reaction and consideration of matters in poetry that we may not have considered. You have taken on a large burden and perhaps the criticisms that follow have been caused by this workload.

“Surely not criticisms of me, the critic?” I can hear you state forcefully even with your tongue wedged so firmly in your cheek. “Well yes!” I reply wondering if you have had that facial swelling for very long. “It is a short list, Unmasked, so I figured you could handle it.” So I will appraise the Appraiser’s appraisals of my poems.

["Morning Delight" http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28195]

It is indeed 24 stanzas long. Is this too long? Well it clearly was for you but that is a personal preference not a criticism. If brevity was all there was to poetry we would read little but Ogden Nash. And all the beautiful stories and sagas in poetry would be dust. Unmasked, it behoves the critic to separate personal preference from critical appraisal. If we do not avoid that trap then our appraisals lose credibility.

A poet may attempt many things in creating a poem. He or she may even, heaven forbid, attempt to create an aural and metre linkage through using rhyme and rhythm. I agree that some of the rhymes inside stanzas are a “little strained”. Laughs, one stanza is a good deal more than a “little”. So I have no criticism of your pointing this out. Yet you express a clear preference for non-rhymed poems. Would an unrhymed poem have been a better choice for describing a “long” sequence of events? Hardly. It would have seemed even longer to you.

Succinctness or snappiness is not always the goal of poetic expression. “Morning Delight” was an attempt to recreate a sequence of events, to tell a ‘story’ in poetic form. If there is unnecessary repetition of individual events in that story then that is a valid criticism for reducing its length. If the reader simply prefers shorter poems then that is not.

You also examine the opening image (“A sudden spasm in my mind”) and wonder about that. This poem is about my awakening from a dream in which I was making love. So ‘spasm’ was used to connect this mental state to the physical reaction it engendered. Whether you see that as just a physiologically accurate description of arousal or as a metaphor or neither is for you to decide, as is your assessment of how effective this attempt is. Yet, if you are, as many suspect a male, then surely you have had this experience of your mind being snapped out of sleep by an approaching dream-induced orgasm? Laughs … well I hope so. So, the use of 'spasm' when referring to the mind is, I would argue, valid and I hope effective.

The second image you considered (“Your wrists held silky tight”) may be a little more obtuse. Silk is a wonderfully sensuous material. It is part of the love-making between my partner and I and, due to this, features in some of my stories simply as it is an arousing image to us both. I did not expect the reader to know this. Later in the poem there is ample references to ‘her’ being tied below me. Consequently, it is not an unreasonable expectation for a poet to present partly explained images that are made clear later. It is part of the intellectual arousal (smiles) involved in any worthwhile reading.

Now for an appraisal of your appraisal of “The Enigma of Time”! Yes I must! [http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28437]

One of the things I always stress with my students is never to overlook the visual information in a poem’s structure. The ‘look’ of a poem tells you almost as much as the reading of it. Poems with rhythm and rhyme actually have lines of about the same length. Unrhymed poems with more than one thing to say actually have parts. And poems with obvious discrepancies in the structures of the lines within different parts are to be looked at closely as the writer is doing different things in each.

The first (large) part of this poem is very different to the second (large) part. The first part is “snappy” … well I hope so. It is attempting to describe how quickly time passes with my lover. The lines are short. The images are not piled up onto each other as in the second part. (Smiles, and yes the Monty Python reference may seem incongruous to the reader and the Appraiser but I have an incongruous mind! It is self-directed irony. It is an affliction I suffer! I am receiving treatment but the medication does not work fortunately! So it is there because it is me … it is the way I think … and you are free to approve or disapprove of my quirky mind and its effect on the tone of that part of the poem.)

The second part is burdened with cumbersome layerings of images because that is how I chose to affect the reader into an understanding of my frustration at daily events that separate my lover from myself. I feel the cumbersome burden of the daily events through which I need to battle. It is my attempt to use the (lack of) natural flow of lines and sound combinations and punctuation to affect the aural state of the person reading my poem. The best poetry that I have experienced does this. (Laughs, and I am not suggesting mine is ‘best’ poetry. My ego is healthy but not rampant.)

So I am glad you found it irritating and cumbersome, Unmasked! It was intended to be this to parallel what the word meanings also conveyed – my frustration and irritation. It just surprised me that you did not notice the difference in line lengths between these parts and consider the possible reasons for this and for the sudden change between what was included with lines in the first and second parts.

Now for a quick look at the nitty, with or without the gritty.
(“When with you, time runs fleet-footed from me…..”) Surely, something can run without being fleet-footed? Smiles, if you disagree then you have never seen me running, Unmasked! I can send you a video but I fear it would not be as interesting as some offered to you! Laughs.

(“Minutes are legless beggars in a foreign bazaar dragging past, slowly displaying themselves in a perverse parade”) The point of this image was to describe the perverse slowness of minutes away from my lover. To go on to elaborate on this image simply for the sake of it would have detracted from the intellectual and emotional statements I was making and also would have buried the controlled layering of seconds vs minutes vs hours.

Damn when I get “caught up” I sure do a comprehensive job of it, Unmasked! A short reply has become a treatise, a tortuous tome, er …. a lot of bullshit. Arhh, well maybe that is why I am not going to become an Appraiser, except of THE Appraiser!

As I write this I am smiling wryly at myself because I told myself I would not get caught up in the responses to my poems and here I am getting caught up! Well, I have never claimed to be consistent, just to be as true to myself as I can manage. And at the very least I get to surprise myself with my turnabouts!