The New Poems List

[TheDR4KE]

To add to that, read the versions out aloud and notice that if you keep repeating 'you' it emphasises the need, the yearning, while repeating 'I want' keeps you bouncing between the author and the image of desire.

Quack

the D

 

[kotori]

I had a read of this, and (given that this part of the board is about discussion and feedback ) I would say that it was good, I loved the twist of the last line, but the constant "I want"s hurt. They are too weak for a poem that would otherwise be strong. Want, at least to me, doesn't express need enough.

I would edit the poem and take them all out, thus:
<snip>

Quack

the Drake

Thanks for the feedback, guys. Interesting points, you both make, maybe some compromise. I didn't want to express need. It's not really about needing a person. "Want" is the sentiment. So try this:

Possession Litany
by kotori

i want you.
you.
to hold you, keep you, hug you, kiss you.
to possess you.
to enfold you, enter you, fill you, behold you.

i want you.
you.
your independence - depend on me.
your self-reliance - rely on me.
your heart: to open your chest and feel it beat in my hands.
your soul: the breath of your life to fill my lungs.
to possess you.
to come to you, take you, fuck you, love you.

i want to make you my good girl.

i want you.
you.
your brain - I'll think for you.
your skin, to wrap myself in.
your hair, to dry my tears on.
your eyes, to see my fears.
your fingers to wrap around my own.
your lips to cool my burning flesh.
your voice to soothe my pain.
to possess you.
to come to me, be with me, fit me, come for me.

i want you to be my good girl.

i want you.
you.
your cunt to make my home in.
your breasts to feed me.
your ass to brand you as my own.
your womb to carry on my blood-line.
to possess you.
to take you away, keep you where you are.

i want you.
you.
to want me.
to possess you.
the way you possess me.

**********
Anyway, I kinda like the way it changes the emphasis from the first person to the second, from all about subject to all about object. It's about someone who wants to be possessed, but of course, there's that twist at the end. Thanks again, in advance.

 

[kotori]

To add to that, read the versions out aloud and notice that if you keep repeating 'you' it emphasises the need, the yearning, while repeating 'I want' keeps you bouncing between the author and the image of desire.

Quack

the D

that too. that's what i was thinking.

also, i think i should "regularise" the punctuation. i have dashes, and commas and colons and semicolons. i never noticed it until just now.

 

[TheDR4KE]

yes, I like it!

something else that I was thinking about in relation to leaving out the 'I want's was the tension that that builds in the reader. Do you want to have that, are you going to make that happen, do you yearn for that?

I like your adaption to include some of it. Works for me.


Re punctuation, I changed the ; to - where appropriate, but there are still a lot of full stops that are probably not needed if you don't have full sentences on every line.

You could also play with having the 'you' lower case and the 'me' upper-case to indicate a dominant/submissive type feel, reversed on the last line.

So lines like:

your self-reliance - rely on Me

but then

you.
to want Me.
to possess you.
the way You possess me.


which could add to the turn-around. It's worth a try to see how it looks anyway

Drake

 

[kotori]

I like the suggestions, Drake. Very cool, indeed.

So is there a way to edit a poem that's already posted? Or is it set in cyber-stone?

 

[_Land]

that too. that's what i was thinking.

also, i think i should "regularise" the punctuation. i have dashes, and commas and colons and semicolons. i never noticed it until just now.

Good edit kotori

 

[TheDR4KE]

I like the suggestions, Drake. Very cool, indeed.

So is there a way to edit a poem that's already posted? Or is it set in cyber-stone?

Haven't done it myself, but I believe the process is that you re-submit it, with 'edited version of ...' clearly marked somewhere, like in the comments bit I suppose. The other one is then replaced as I understand it.

Quack

Drake

 

[perks]

I have to disagree partially. Your edit is good for the poem in itself, but it's missing what I and a few others like to call your "voice". Knowing the history to that poem, the yearning was all too appropriate. It built the tension in the reader and was intense enough to make your point to the recipient.

 

[kotori]

That's an interesting observation, perquita, about the "voice." I read all my poems over and over, but this is the first one that just seemed as though it needed to be read aloud. I could even picture myself speaking it, and played with various deliveries, where to put stress, where to get louder or softer or quicker. And that negates any value to the capitalisation "trick," being for the reading audience only. Of course it's no fair, with you knowing some of the background. Hmm, now the boy's thinking (always dangerous to mix "boy" and "thinking" in the same sentence).

 

[TheDR4KE]

That's an interesting observation, perquita, about the "voice." I read all my poems over and over, but this is the first one that just seemed as though it needed to be read aloud. I could even picture myself speaking it, and played with various deliveries, where to put stress, where to get louder or softer or quicker. And that negates any value to the capitalisation "trick," being for the reading audience only. Of course it's no fair, with you knowing some of the background. Hmm, now the boy's thinking (always dangerous to mix "boy" and "thinking" in the same sentence).

I told her she was going to confuse you with that comment. (And I knew some of the background when I wrote my commentary. )

I was afraid that I was pushing too much of my voice onto the poem, but there is also a question of whom is reading the work and how you, as the author, want to interact with the reader.

For the recipient of this work the poem should not be about her as much as about the author, i.e. it should show you as well as her. In that case the parts that point backwards through the paper, beyond the ink, up the pen and at her love should probably stay.

I like to make people see things through my eyes, make them look into my eyes and, for a dislocating moment, be me. That is different to telling people about me...

Write out a couple of copies in different styles and put them away for a week at least. Seriously. Long enough for you to have distanced yourself a bit, to have forgotten the writing and to be able to concentrate on the structure when you read them again.

Quack

the D

 

[_Land]

GOOD MORNING LIT JUNKIES

Hey Guys I like the discussion on kotori's poem , it brings a lot of points to the forefront. Thanks for taking the time to discuss the poem quack and perk~~~ We should discuss poems more on this board!



Heres the new Poems for today




A Fish's Tale
by Rybka ©

Rybka you are A master Baiter






alone
by Angeline ©

I love this poem Angeline, I think that the title would be better named sollitude. (MHO) Sometimes it feels as though we are in a parralel universe.





Last Night
by MahoganyLioness ©

Welcome to the board Lioness, I love the imagery you create.
A wonderful painting of sensual scenery.

"as you tongue kissed my soul, robbing me of my senses."

Hope to see more!





spirit unfinished
by perky_baby ©

Hey perky. what inspired this charming little spunk errrrm monk






the Justice and the Chief
by Star At Sunrise ©
A well dont poem Star tnks for posting it.






I dont think I will b in over the weekend, SJ are you going to do the new poems thread this weekend? If not it would be nice to see someone pick up the slack (i just admited i was slacking, does that make me a slacker?) Ya'all have a great weekend ya hear!

 

[perks]

Re: GOOD MORNING LIT JUNKIES

spirit unfinished
by perky_baby ©

Hey perky. what inspired this charming little spunk errrrm monk

a lover, whose life is in the balance, and although he realizes there is something Greater than him, he forgets that nothing is greater than his spirit.

 

[_Land]

Re: Re: GOOD MORNING LIT JUNKIES

a lover, whose life is in the balance, and although he realizes there is something Greater than him, he forgets that nothing is greater than his spirit.

Thanks perk, I thought it was more then a priest gone bad LOL
Love the imagery you provide, although knowing the inspiration makes the poem much more powerful too me _Land

 

[Angeline]

Land and Me Travelling in Parallel Universes

I've thought the same thing Land. Maybe we should read the old Gail Sheehy book, Passages , together, lol. Alternatively, I could have called the poem "Sort of Alone" or "I'm Alone and Land is Too, but in Different Places," or "I'm Alone, You're Alone and Neither of Us is OK." But I digress. What I really meant to say is thanks for mentioning the poem.

 

[JUDO]

Hmmm...

There used to be an inspiration thread around here somewhere. Who started that, Wicked? Was it Daughter?

So long ago, I don't recall. But it was exactly what you guys just mentioned - poetry and the inspiration behind each post. Good thread.


- Judo

 

[perks]

Hmmm...

There used to be an inspiration thread around here somewhere. Who started that, Wicked? Was it Daughter?

So long ago, I don't recall. But it was exactly what you guys just mentioned - poetry and the inspiration behind each post. Good thread.


- Judo

it was me, you freak *laughing* but thanks for putting me up in the same category as Eve and daughter.

 

[JUDO]

it was me, you freak *laughing* but thanks for putting me up in the same category as Eve and daughter.

Well, here's another category you belong in - you're the third person to refer to me in posts as a "freak." The other two being Wicked and Lauren.


- Judo

 

[perks]

Well, here's another category you belong in - you're the third person to refer to me in posts as a "freak." The other two being Wicked and Lauren.


- Judo

I can't vouch for the others, but with me, it's a term of endearment.

 

[JUDO]

Ah, no offense taken. I believe the others were using it as part of a phrase of endearment. Freak of nature, I think they said. Something to do with the velocity of my frenetic word creations I sometimes get.

Where are those gals, anyhow?


- Judo

 

[JUDO]

New - 09-14-02

A few that caught my eye. - Judo
---------------------------------------------------
Where were you this morning, ML?

I slide my tongue past your lips to play with your tongue. I could kiss you for hours. The tingle
I feel in my stomach when our lips meet is almost more than I can stand.

Cum 4 U
by MahoganyLioness©
---------------------------------------------------
Leave the bastard!

Lying awake to watch another day begin
only to start the whole cycle again.
If I but had the courage to walk out that door
what joy and happiness would I find?

Empty
by LadyJelli©
---------------------------------------------------
It's amazing what you can see and experience through the words of a schizophrenic!

may I borrow your abacus?

even erect, there is softness between my testicles.
that hairless crease with a pulse.
a bold statement to make, considering.

chew ice before suckle
against the mirror.
I'll pull your hair
for you

one day of Chair Bottom Inspector
by smithpeter©
---------------------------------------------------
With answers like these, who needs problems?

PENIS ENLARGEMENT THAT WORKS!!!
Women only love you if you have a large wee-wee
I'm un-endowed, it’s one of my quirks.

The Answer to All of Your Problems
by KillerMuffin©
---------------------------------------------------
A 9-11 if ever I saw one.

The cathartic brew
stings a scarred soul;
another memory relived.

Necessary Wednesday
by nakedangelina©

 

[Rybka]

Another worth reading

I seldom comment of the poems of our regular cast of characters. I just read them for enjoyment.

But when a new voice appears with something of interest I will bring their work to the attention of those who read this thread. One such new poster is Sure. Today's poem Sand, reminds me for some reason of MacLeish's:

What Any Lover Learns

Water is heavy silver over stone.
Water is heavy silver over stone's
Refusal. I does not fall. It fills. It flows
Every crevice, every fault of the stone,
Every hollow. River does not run.
River presses its heavy silver self
Down into stone and stone refuses.

                                 What runs,
Swirling and leaping into sun, is stone's
Refusal of the river, not the river.

Give Sand a read.

Regards, Rybka

 

[smithpeter]

Re: New - 09-14-02

judo said:
It's amazing what you can see and experience through the words of a schizophrenic!

schizophrenic?

oh my god!
is that meant to be funny?
Well, you would not have mentioned his poem if you didn't find something in there worthwhile.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: New - 09-14-02

schizophrenic?

oh my god!
is that meant to be funny?
Well, you would not have mentioned his poem if you didn't find something in there worthwhile.

It was funny, sp. You know you're a nut. Or at least, according to you, you have softness between your nuts. lol

 

[perks]

Re: Re: Re: New - 09-14-02

It was funny, sp. You know you're a nut. Or at least, according to you, you have softness between your nuts. lol

the raphe line? it needs a nibble or lick or two or five or suck or... hey what were we talking about? schizophrenia? my bad

 

[Hyndeline]

and the Creature's choices for the day are:

That's right: another thread is about to succumb to the power of the Hyndeline. Brace yourselves.

These are, in our combined opinion, the best of the new poems (oddly, none was mentioned - vive la différence). There were a few more that could have easily made it, but not today.

[the "aline" part of this beast wishes to state that she did not select her own poem for this list--that was the "hynde" part's doing. Even Angeline doesn't have that much chuzpah.]


-------------------------
My Father's Sky - Growling
by Rybka ©

I started again, with tasting: What a world that beauty do I
see that bares what is lost in its gentle closure of you.


We love this piece. It is both ambitious and painstakingly rendered.


-------------------------
Ghost Story
by Angeline ©

They giggle
sibilant silly
maybe the wind
maybe their game


A wonderfully simple piece about loved ones gone by. An important message within.


-------------------------
Paradise
by Unwanted ©

For me paradise is simple
To never feel again
The hurt will invade my thoughts
The pain will almost numb every nerve
No more


Unwanted has written a lot on this theme. This is probably one of his best achievements. It portrays perfectly that moment just before you fall asleep, after having to stay awake for 48 hours (believe me...)


-------------------------
before fury
by smithpeter ©

Have you noticed most things change?
Have you noticed that it does not matter?
Matter is here for us,
Matter is your flesh and it's happy smile.
Matter is your thought finely held, it's deep scheme.


This is a somewhat unusual, comparatively longer poem for smithpeter, who typically produces short succinct pieces. It shifts voice nimbly, from concrete declaration to quirky metaphor. Overall, a lovely piece that is, in turn, wanton and wistful.