The NEW UK Kink Thread

[Malich]

Yep, and every person in the group brings their own issues and needs to the table. Remember that your "play partner" is still a human and will have expectations as well and that will affect everyone else even tangentially.

Your play partner wants something, so your wife makes a change to her plans to accommodate, which affects her partner who asks for something in return which means you have to change something which affects your play parter... and round and round it goes.

Poly takes a lot of mental energy... but it can be worth it if everyone applies the same rules in the group.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LucyBee01]

Thanks for those thoughts. I have to throw my hands up at the moment and admit that I'm very unsure where this is going. Rather than getting clearer in our communications, we seem to be going backwards: getting confused and frustrated about our identifications of ourselves and our shared dynamic (if any).

This communicating lark may be vital, but it's also exhausting! It's not just the drain on physical and mental energy, but particularly the emotional investment that takes its toll.
.

to you both. Give yourselves plenty of time. Your thoughts on one topic may develop quicker or slower than your wife. And even getting the same understanding of a particular term or phrase takes work. You are navigating uncharted waters but you are doing it together and very bravely sharing your journey. As you learn more it is perhaps not surprising to find 'oh, I like that too' or 'I identify with that as well...'.

Hoping you can tap into others experiences.

My personal experience of having "poly" put on the table was to realise it can mean so many different things and took me months to even feel like I had a basic grip on those and what I might be happy with. But still learning! And all the time communicating with Master my thoughts, feelings and digesting his. Not always easy. Sometimes I start writing down my thoughts and find I am able to express myself better that way and so Master gets an email from me which we then talk through.

 

[malefica]

Aargh, I'm getting so excited! First week of April, here I come! <3

Edit: I recommend the book "More Than Two" for poly-related reading.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Mindfondler]

Thanks to Malich, LucyBee01 and Gianbattista for all of those helpful thoughts.

Yep, and every person in the group brings their own issues and needs to the table. Remember that your "play partner" is still a human and will have expectations as well and that will affect everyone else even tangentially.

Your play partner wants something, so your wife makes a change to her plans to accommodate, which affects her partner who asks for something in return which means you have to change something which affects your play parter... and round and round it goes.

Poly takes a lot of mental energy... but it can be worth it if everyone applies the same rules in the group.

It's not something that we'd undertake lightly. Apart from anything else, we'd be fighting against the ingrained notions from both of our upbringings that such arrangements are "wrong".

On the up-side, I don't think it's in my nature to neglect the issues and needs of anyone involved. If anything, the danger to me comes from the opposite direction: of expending too much energy worrying and fussing unnecessarily.

to you both. Give yourselves plenty of time. Your thoughts on one topic may develop quicker or slower than your wife. And even getting the same understanding of a particular term or phrase takes work. You are navigating uncharted waters but you are doing it together and very bravely sharing your journey. As you learn more it is perhaps not surprising to find 'oh, I like that too' or 'I identify with that as well...'.

Hoping you can tap into others experiences.

My personal experience of having "poly" put on the table was to realise it can mean so many different things and took me months to even feel like I had a basic grip on those and what I might be happy with. But still learning! And all the time communicating with Master my thoughts, feelings and digesting his. Not always easy. Sometimes I start writing down my thoughts and find I am able to express myself better that way and so Master gets an email from me which we then talk through.

I'd expect it to be a slow and iterative process of building layers of shared understanding: taking baby steps whilst reviewing and testing at every stage. We might consider starting with something small and non-threatening, such as pursuing a common non-kinky interest to see how the dynamic unfolds. The analogy that springs to my mind is ballroom dancing, in which it's not uncommon for married individuals to have different dance partners with whom they are close (both physically and emotionally!) but without undermining their marital relationship.

I think the key piece of understanding that underpins any arrangement is that my wife and I are in a good place overall, but that we have some unmet needs that don't seem to fit our own dynamic. It's therefore a potential "win-win-win" scenario if we can address those as well with others who do share them whilst keeping intact our central relationship. Indeed, I can imagine a scenario in which this takes some pressure off our relationship and enables it to flourish -- but I wouldn't underestimate the human difficulties that might lie in the way of that.

I wonder if it is possible, or might be helpful to just reconnect for while, maybe get out of routine, could a short holiday together and without family be arranged for example? Communication is always vital, but it needs to be about the good things, the things in common, the laughter and joy, as well as any issues on a table.....other wise the 'any' in the shared dynamic does start to get rather more important I think.

I really hope things resolve clearly. Unrest of this sort is more than ' exhausting'.

That's a good suggestion, and one that has occurred to both of us. It's possible that we have a convenient opportunity to do that over the next couple of weeks if we can sort out some mundane logistics.
.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LucyBee01]

Mindfondler , you are soooo sensible, I have every confidence you will navigate well

Elle, weather has been all over the place here! I am staying in and recovering from having eaten far too much over the Easter weekend! My mother makes such amazing desserts

 

[Mindfondler]

Mindfondler , you are soooo sensible, I have every confidence you will navigate well

Thanks for that vote of confidence!

I seem to recall being described as "sensible" in school reports. Little did they know! I think it was actually a backhanded compliment: a codeword for "dull" (not from you -- from the teachers!).
.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LallyH]

The weather here has been a bizarre mix of warm sunshine one minute, then thunderstorm with heavy sleet and a cold, biting wind. I almost started putting oil on the decking yesterday then had second thoughts when I looked at how black the sky was in the distance. Fifteen minutes later, the storm arrived in full flow

 

[StrangeView]

Morning all, drove up in a blizzard here this morning, which was a little bit unexpected . By the time I'd got here, it had settled into a heavy, wet snow, and I was greeted by a poor duck standing in the middle of the carpark looking utterly bemused...

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Just dropping in to say Hi.
I know some of you have seen my post on fet, I am ok. Just finding my feet again.

Hugs to Lally xx

 

[StrangeView]

DAISY!!!! *sends hugs* Good to see you back around, how's things?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LucyBee01]

Just dropping in to say Hi.
I know some of you have seen my post on fet, I am ok. Just finding my feet again.

Hugs to Lally xx

It makes me angry and sad to read what happened. May the good kind people you know and being really gentle with yourself help you get stronger every day

 

[StrangeView]

It makes me angry and sad to read what happened. May the good kind people you know and being really gentle with yourself help you get stronger every day

Morning Lucy, and all . I'm not on fet, so I'm out of the loop here, can someone fill me in? (PM if it's too personal)

Otherwise, Daisy, shout up if there's anything you need or anything I can do

 

[StrangeView]

Happy Monday all, how did weekend go?

 

[StrangeView]

AFTERNOON ALL!!!! *sounds of echo fading into the distance*

Anyone home?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LucyBee01]

Hee hee, hello
Somehow this is a busy week for work and fun things. Theatre tonight, which is awesome, as haven't been in years.

 

[CFMB_fan]

Hee hee, hello
Somehow this is a busy week for work and fun things. Theatre tonight, which is awesome, as haven't been in years.

I was at the theatre recently to see War Of The Worlds....

Awesome

So enjoy theshow.....

 

[LallyH]

Just dropping in to say Hi.
I know some of you have seen my post on fet, I am ok. Just finding my feet again.

Hugs to Lally xx

Hi hun - horrified to read your post. Hope you're taking care of yourself xx

 

[Malich]

Morning all from a damp London.

Hope everyone is doing ok other than the obvious?

 

[StrangeView]

Morning boys and girls, how's everyone this fine (if slightly damp) morning?

Hi Lally, hi Malich, good to see you back

Daisy, haven't read the post, but anything you need, we're here