The Tides

[_Land]

Thanks Judo that helped a lot _N

My thoughts.

rushing in, rushing out
tossing to and fro
rising and falling
like a wild beast
controlled by the moon

I would look for another analogy "rising and fallin" applied to "a wild beast" doesn't really connect for me.

Maybe...

rushing in, rushing out
tossing to and fro
thrashing thuderously
like a New York sidewalk
controlled by the moon

* * *

crested whitecaps
beautifully crushing
pregnant swells
giving breath
to abundant lives

You know, when I first saw this, I mis-read it, but like the mis-read better.

crested whitecaps
beautifully crushing
pregnant swells
giving birth
to abundant lives

* * *

receding, revealing
magnificent pools
teaming with animation
excersising muscles
with china man caps

In the last line "china man" bothers me. I believe it's too often used as a prejedicial or demeaning term. Perhaps replace it with...

receding, revealing
magnificent pools
teaming with animation
exercising muscles
beneath little chinese hats

* * *

II

trials come and go
dishelving our normality
Peaks and valeys
no paradise, Edens shore
hidden under the blue moon

Did you mean "disheveling?" I don't understand the reference to Eden's shore. Was it a forbidding place? Perhaps...

trials come and go
disheveling our normality
into peaks and valleys.
no paradise, just Eden's shore
hidden under the blue moon.

* * *

furry visits, skin pales
weighing self image
pressure stretches
breathing growth
to stagnant lives

Are they "stagnant" or "damaged, hurt, devestated?"

furry visits, skin pales
weighing self image
pressure stretches
breathing growth
into damaged lives

* * *

Pain disperses, leaving
pools of humanity
filled with new vigor
from learning, coping
wearing a new hat

I think this works better now with the changes above.


- Judo

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Re: The Turning Tides

Thank you Judo. By the way I didnt say I couldnt do with some help on this one.

Zhuk

What were the cliffs in "The Princess Bride" called? Cliffs of Insanity, or something?

Good one, Zhuk. Overcoming adversity with tenacity.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

Changing Tides (revised)

rushing in, rushing out
tossing to and fro
thrashing thuderously
like a New York sidewalk
controlled by the moon

crested whitecaps
beautifully crushing
pregnant swells
giving birth
to abundant lives

receding, revealing
magnificent pools
teaming with animation
exercising muscles
beneath little chinese hats

II

trials come and go
disheveling our normality
into peaks and valleys.
no paradise, just Eden's shore
hidden under the blue moon.

furry visits, skin pales
weighing self image
pressure stretches
breathing growth
into damaged lives

Pain disperses, leaving
pools of humanity
filled with new vigor
from learning, coping
wearing a new hat



Thanks for the help Judo, BTW china men caps were in reference to the lichens that cling to the rocks.....its what we used to call them when we were kids.....Also, Edens shore hidden under the blue moon was referring to elusive perfection so it could also read
no paradise, just elusive perfection/true happiness

 

[JUDO]

Feeback for Zhuk

Tried to post this last night, but due to technical fun, couldn't. - Judo

Turning Tides

Emerald waters of the sea, roll in
to break against the rocks in vain,
wasted effort vaporizing in a mist
smoggy shroud envelops their pain.

Endless roar of their frustration,
saturates the surrounding shore,
the cool emergence of a full moon,
encourages them to attempt more.

Boldly rising to the challenge, with
celestial pull overcoming the slack,
riding on the turning tide, swelled
with a renewed vigor, they attack.

Triumph at last!! The once proud
cliffs, are encircled and overrun.
Fury abated, calmed by the touch
of sunlight, a new day has begun.

- Zhuk

I think you asked for assistance. My thoughts...

Emerald waters of the sea,
Roll in to break against the rocks.
Wasted effort vaporizes
In misty shroud enveloping their pain.

Endless roar of their frustration,
Saturates the surrounding shore.
The cool emergence of a full moon,
encourages them to attempt more.

Boldly rising to the challenge
With celestial pull overcoming the slack,
They ride on the turning tide.
Swelled with renewed vigor,
They circle and attack.

Triumph at last!

The once proud cliffs are overrun
Dashed 'neath the waters as much
Fury abates, calmed by the touch
Of sunlight -- a new day has begun.

-----
Compare and tell me if it helps.


- Judo

 

[JUDO]

(sleepless night, the rush of waves play against the roof of my mind...)


The Ocean's Wet Dream

Nestled
Naked
Floating in warm flannel sheets

Window
Open
Breezes touch cool tender teats

A thousand voices hush
At the sound of a poem,
Wishing it was their
Voice, their thoughts, their dreams
Touching the girl, or so it seems.

Sigh
Breathless
Escaping her lust-filled pyre

Legs
Spread
Waiting for the salty liar

Mounting waves breathe rumours
With rocks and storms and shores.
A single voice wafts
From the scattered choir,
Singing "Come be with me and feel
A thousand lips as I kneel."

Narcissus
Fingers
Teasing her to trembling height

Sea
Whispers
"Let's swim in the depth of night."

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Feeback for Zhuk

Thank you Judo. Your suggestions do look much better.

Just a little thing though - "wasted effort vaporize in a mist" I wanted to create an image of water dashing against the rocks and turning into a mist. That seems to have been lost. The "shroud eveloping their pain" is another sentence. Please give these lines another thought.

The rest is good. Thanks again.

Zhuk

Tried to post this last night, but due to technical fun, couldn't. - Judo



I think you asked for assistance. My thoughts...

Emerald waters of the sea,
Roll in to break against the rocks.
Wasted effort vaporizes
In misty shroud enveloping their pain.

Endless roar of their frustration,
Saturates the surrounding shore.
The cool emergence of a full moon,
encourages them to attempt more.

Boldly rising to the challenge
With celestial pull overcoming the slack,
They ride on the turning tide.
Swelled with renewed vigor,
They circle and attack.

Triumph at last!

The once proud cliffs are overrun
Dashed 'neath the waters as much
Fury abates, calmed by the touch
Of sunlight -- a new day has begun.

-----
Compare and tell me if it helps.


- Judo

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: Feeback for Zhuk

Thank you Judo. Your suggestions do look much better.

Just a little thing though - "wasted effort vaporize in a mist" I wanted to create an image of water dashing against the rocks and turning into a mist. That seems to have been lost. The "shroud eveloping their pain" is another sentence. Please give these lines another thought.

The rest is good. Thanks again.

Zhuk

Hmm... I don't think it's lost, Z. The lines still have the water hitting rocks and vaporizing in a misty shroud. It's on three lines, rather than one is the only difference.

I would use caution against spelling out imagery too clearly to the reader. It may become too patronizing.

Thanks for the comments.

- Judo

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Re: Re: Feeback for Zhuk

Judo thanks once again. will keep your sugestion in mind. Maybe just maybe we target different kinds of readers!

Zhuk

Hmm... I don't think it's lost, Z. The lines still have the water hitting rocks and vaporizing in a misty shroud. It's on three lines, rather than one is the only difference.

I would use caution against spelling out imagery too clearly to the reader. It may become too patronizing.

Thanks for the comments.

- Judo

 

[dragonhearted]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Feeback for Zhuk

Judo thanks once again. will keep your sugestion in mind. Maybe just maybe we target different kinds of readers!

Zhuk

that is entirely possible Zhuk

 

[JUDO]

(There, just off the jetty, see them? Yes, that big splash. Oh, my God!)

The Dolphins Came to Visit
-------- en molto vivace --------

WHOOSH! ZOOM!

Leaping and zipping and
Smiling and laughing and
Rolling on into the air to twelve feet!

They're flying down
Into the depths 'til they're gone,
Then they rocket up into the sky, non-discrete!

They tease all the fish,
While they play until dark
Then they snoop around coral and rocks and concrete!

A designer's dream time
There's nothing's so streamlined.
To Neptune's magnificent jokers --

All day is playtime.
Well into the nighttime
Tired seems out of their langauge complete!

They're gray, yet they're funny.
They're cold, yet they're sunny.
In the ocean, they're NASCARS's big winners.

They come quick and go slow
Do they talk? Do they know?
How incredible the life of these finners.

WHOOSH! ZOOM!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay, let's go

I've just posted my first poems to this site, but I'm no stranger to poetry. I'm a son-of-a-bitch critic and I usually say what I mean, because poetry matters to me and there's nothing quite as bad as a bad poem, and most poetry is bad.

Most poetry is bad because it seems like it should be so easy. Just write down what you feel and put in some stock poetic words (loneliness, inifinite, celestial, soul, touch, heart, etc.) and--voila!--you're writing poetry. Ifthe words rhyme, so much the better. You're really a poet now!

Afraid not.

Most of the poetry I've seen on this site is bad, and here's why:
In my humble opinion, a poem has to be true, has to be new, and has to be musical.

It has to be true: you can't fake what youi say in a poem. It always shows through. Don't give me stuff about your lover being a goddess when you're just trying to get into her pants. Better you should just tell us how much you want to get into her pants. Men do this stuff all the time, lie about what they're feeling, because they think it's what women want to hear. And they're usually right: women do want to hear this junk. But that doesn't make it true. As a poet, you should at least know when you're telling the truth and when you're just "being poetic"--i.e. lying. Insincerity in a poem is like getting dog crap in a candy box.

It has to be new: you've got to show me sometghing new about the world. Why should I read your poem about sex unless you can tell me something new about it? Why should I read your poem about being lonely unless you can teach me something new about it? I already know what feeling lonely is like. I don't need to read what I already know.

It has to be musical: it doesn't have to rhyme; it doesn't have to be metrical, but it does have to have music or something that keeps it from reading like a list of cereal ingredients. Rap poetry isn't necessarily metrical, but it's musical as hell. And just breaking a paragraph here and there tomake it look like a poem doesn't make it poetry. You can't fakeit. And if you don't have an ear for the music of language, then you're in the wrong business.

That's where I stand. Any comments or anyone want to discuss any of this, feel free.

I just posted some poems, so it might be a few days before they show up. They're not great poetry, but they're better than most of what I've seen on the internet.

I look forward to comments.

Your humble servant,

---dr.M.

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Okay, let's go

O great docter do continue. How will we know which of the poems are bad and which are not? All wannabe poets think their poetry is good, thats why they make it public.

Please help us by giving a list of poems that you have read here and add your comments to each, telling us why this or that poem is bad.

I for one would sure want to learn from you. I am even ready to be made the sacrificial goat and you can start with my poems. Be as brutally frank as you can, but be helpful and constructive.

An even humbler pupil

I've just posted my first poems to this site, but I'm no stranger to poetry. I'm a son-of-a-bitch critic and I usually say what I mean, because poetry matters to me and there's nothing quite as bad as a bad poem, and most poetry is bad.

Most poetry is bad because it seems like it should be so easy. Just write down what you feel and put in some stock poetic words (loneliness, inifinite, celestial, soul, touch, heart, etc.) and--voila!--you're writing poetry. Ifthe words rhyme, so much the better. You're really a poet now!

Afraid not.

Most of the poetry I've seen on this site is bad, and here's why:
In my humble opinion, a poem has to be true, has to be new, and has to be musical.

It has to be true: you can't fake what youi say in a poem. It always shows through. Don't give me stuff about your lover being a goddess when you're just trying to get into her pants. Better you should just tell us how much you want to get into her pants. Men do this stuff all the time, lie about what they're feeling, because they think it's what women want to hear. And they're usually right: women do want to hear this junk. But that doesn't make it true. As a poet, you should at least know when you're telling the truth and when you're just "being poetic"--i.e. lying. Insincerity in a poem is like getting dog crap in a candy box.

It has to be new: you've got to show me sometghing new about the world. Why should I read your poem about sex unless you can tell me something new about it? Why should I read your poem about being lonely unless you can teach me something new about it? I already know what feeling lonely is like. I don't need to read what I already know.

It has to be musical: it doesn't have to rhyme; it doesn't have to be metrical, but it does have to have music or something that keeps it from reading like a list of cereal ingredients. Rap poetry isn't necessarily metrical, but it's musical as hell. And just breaking a paragraph here and there tomake it look like a poem doesn't make it poetry. You can't fakeit. And if you don't have an ear for the music of language, then you're in the wrong business.

That's where I stand. Any comments or anyone want to discuss any of this, feel free.

I just posted some poems, so it might be a few days before they show up. They're not great poetry, but they're better than most of what I've seen on the internet.

I look forward to comments.

Your humble servant,

---dr.M.

 

[Elda Furry]

You say you're no stranger to poetry. I read your poems and I think you need to introduce yourself better.
You huff and puff your way onto this board to announce that most of the poetry on this site is BAD! And that you are a son-of-a-bitch critic! LOL
You actually think your cliché poems are better than most of what you've seen on the internet?
Pop that fat bubble called your head.
Now I do agree with some of what you said, but I've heard it before and I've heard it better.
Now adjust your attitude and start over. We need a doc on the board! There are a lot of really sick poets here! lol

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Okay, let's go

It has to be true: you can't fake what youi say in a poem. It always shows through. Don't give me stuff about your lover being a goddess when you're just trying to get into her pants. Better you should just tell us how much you want to get into her pants. Men do this stuff all the time, lie about what they're feeling, because they think it's what women want to hear. And they're usually right: women do want to hear this junk. But that doesn't make it true. As a poet, you should at least know when you're telling the truth and when you're just "being poetic"--i.e. lying. Insincerity in a poem is like getting dog crap in a candy box.
Your humble servant,

---dr.M.

One of the best poems of one of the best poets of the 20th century:

Poets feign and conceal
So completely feign and pretend
That the pain which they really feel
They'll feign for you in the end

And he who reads what they've done
Never senses the twofold pain
That's in them, only the one
Which they never feel but feign

And so, to amuse our minds
Round again to the start
On its circular railway winds
That toy train called the heart.


Point 2 is so ridiculous it doesn't even deserve the time wasted in replying... But by all means, if you think you can add anything to the board, please feel free to specifically comment on any specific poem.

We're not very given to pats in the back for poems that aren't worth it, so don't let Elda's words disencourage you. After all, most of us are here to grow.

Just let's continue this in another thread, this one's producing some very fine pieces of work (thank you, Judo ) and it's not our right to sidetrack it.

 

[lickmyboot]

Now you've got my curiosity up...hopping to read heir doctor's poems. Hello my sweet friends. I've missed your voices in my head. I suppose it's high tide Judo.

 

[lickmyboot]

dr_mabeuse's two poems

Hmmm...rhmyee. Like a dark greeting card. I would have to read more before I could comment further. *shrug*

Well dr., welcome to the board nevertheless--it might be nice if you would offer constructive criticism on specific works rather than casting all poems and submitters under the bus. I do think we deserve that much at least.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Yes Yes Yes

Come on you poets with beauty's blood on your hands
You lust-filled goats and goatesses, we are all alike
Come burst the bubble of my head with your art
And grope beneath the skirts of the horny night

Come stick your shivery pens in my gas-filled mind
Come on, you word drunk and sensuous assasins
Feel me, fuck me, beat me with your poetry
But do something to me, and do it with passion

---dr.M.

 

[Elda Furry]

Re: Re: Okay, let's go

We're not very given to pats in the back for poems that aren't worth it, so don't let Elda's words disencourage you. After all, most of us are here to grow.

Just let's continue this in another thread, this one's producing some very fine pieces of work (thank you, Judo ) and it's not our right to sidetrack it.

I don't want to contribute to sidetracking Judo's thread and I try to never discourage, but honestly, it gets old when people pop in on the board to let us know about the bad poetry here. If these people took time to read this thread and other threads here, and took time to search through the poetry index, they would realize that there is some very good poetry at Literotica.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

New Thread

Meet me on the "Auto-autopsy" thread where I'll put my throat on the knife.

And bless ye that got angry with me, for it shows you care.

---dr.M.

 

[JUDO]

(inside with a fire burning, I lean on the windowsill -- head rested on my arms...)


Patterns Along the Shore

The rattle of the wild wheat
Takes me away from my alpha state
To the dreams of reality
Painting the sand.

The wind came to visit last night
And stayed for sunrise,
Casting particles against the windows --
Tapping, rapping, knocking.
Denizens of chaotic music
Drumming their polyphony
Into my mind.

Gusts of power blow
From the southwest storm.
Joyously, the roof dances
And the rafters sing.

I listen, waiting for the first nail to crack.

Wrapped in blankets and sweaters,
I remember days like this
Spent outdoors
With elephants in my eyes.

But inside next door to Nature,
I hear the power of her heart
Beating at the cracks of my door --
Inviting herself in with fingers of powder.

The beach is pushed beyond reason.
Dunes' edge now awash with trees and kelp.
And yet, the wind overstays its welcome
To leave sand paintings amidst my thoughts.

 

[Rybka]

Excellent, Judo!

(inside with a fire burning, I lean on the windowsill -- head rested on my arms...)


Patterns Along the Shore

The rattle of the wild wheat
Takes me away from my alpha state
To the dreams of reality
Painting the sand.

The wind came to visit last night
And stayed for sunrise,
Casting particles against the windows --
Tapping, rapping, knocking.
Denizens of chaotic music
Drumming their polyphony
Into my mind.

Gusts of power blow
From the southwest storm.
Joyously, the roof dances
And the rafters sing.

I listen, waiting for the first nail to crack.

Wrapped in blankets and sweaters,
I remember days like this
Spent outdoors
With elephants in my eyes.

But inside next door to Nature,
I hear the power of her heart
Beating at the cracks of my door --
Inviting herself in with fingers of powder.

The beach is pushed beyond reason.
Dunes' edge now awash with trees and kelp.
And yet, the wind overstays its welcome
To leave sand paintings amidst my thoughts.

I only wonder about the elephant reference which I don't get at all! And the last four lines of the second stanza:

Tapping, rapping, knocking.
Denizens of chaotic music
Drumming their polyphony
Into my mind.

seem a little weak to my ear, especially the "Tapping, rapping, knocking" line, but it is a sure 5 just as is. Very good work. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[JUDO]

Re: Excellent, Judo!

I only wonder about the elephant reference which I don't get at all! And the last four lines of the second stanza:seem a little weak to my ear, especially the "Tapping, rapping, knocking" line, but it is a sure 5 just as is. Very good work. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,                       Rybka

Thanks, R.

The "elephants" are what we used to call the feeling of getting a speck of something underneath your contact on a windy day. "Ahhh, I've got an elephant in my eye!"

As for the 2nd stanza, I think you're right. I looked at that little bit a couple of times and worried it over, but nothing came to me, so I left it. Know that you mention it, I think it might be good to leave out a couple of lines, like this:

The wind came to visit last night
And stayed for sunrise,
Casting particles against the windows --
Drumming their polyphony
Into my mind.

As much as I like "chaotic denizens," there time will have to wait.


- Judo

 

[Rybka]

Is anyone else having trouble logging on / posting on Lit? I am having a heck of a time! - Judo, I wrote you another comment on your poem, agreeing with your proposed changes, but suggesting that you also look at the "I listen, waiting for the first nail to crack." line.
I said, and thought, that I had posted that I know and like the image, but the reading of it breaks the poetic flow of the work. . . something with which you seldom have trouble. The board apparently ate it, because it has not shown up.

Lauren hates me, guess I'll go eat worms ~ ~ ~

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Rybka]

All Cheer Tide!!

Sloshing b(l)ack and fo(u)rth
T(w)o and fro(thily)
Cheer(fully) with the Tide
Separated li(ght)te the surf(eit) Col(la)or(s )fast and fi(th)t of Clorox
All to the second cum(om)ing
Spinning into darkness wet
Bounc(e)ing tumble dry
Cloth(es) must wo(au)nder why?

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[dr_mabeuse]

All Cheer Tide

Rybka,

Where'd you get the idea for "All Cheer Tide!"? I thought that was very cool.

Long time ago I wrote "Of(f) Cours(ing) Key", but that was the start of a novel. The goal was something like what you've done, but I didn't come anywhere as close as you.

Any more?