The Topping From the Bottom Poll

[FurryFury]

How can anyone pick the first option?

Come on, from a logic perspective it doesn't make any sense, does it? People!

I think I love you Netzach!

*smiles sweetly*

Fury

 

[rbijon]

Furry...you are on to something. I am a sub, and My Mistress is always on top. She would Never...never....never consider me being on top. She fucks me missionary style, with her between my legs. She takes total control of me, even raping her hands in my longish hair to hold me down, and hiking my legs up so she can fuck me deeper.....but there are time that I do get some thrush in, and it feels good...hehehe

 

[FurryFury]

And what is it I'm onto? I got lost there. Help me out, please.

Fury

 

[rbijon]

And what is it I'm onto? I got lost there. Help me out, please.

Fury

That it is possible to be on the bottem and get some "top" action in.

....but sub do have a hard time getting this....sometimes...heheheee

 

[FurryFury]

That it is possible to be on the bottem and get some "top" action in.

....but sub do have a hard time getting this....sometimes...heheheee

Ah, okay. Thank you for answering my question and your thoughts!

Fury

 

[rbijon]

Ah, okay. Thank you for answering my question and your thoughts!

Fury

....the question is still truly to be answered. Can a sub, who is on the bottem, truly get some "top" action with the consent of the Mistress.

Could a Mistress give up that power?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

So the majority seem to be I am indeed topping from the bottom.

Damn it!

Some even question if I am a sub or not.

Miss Fury really matters very little what others question, you seem to me to be honest to the core and if you identify with being 'a' submissive (being submissive/semantics) then you are.

You are as you state in 'vanilla' marriage and that poses its own challenges.I don't see the point in devaluing that marriage because it falls outside the realm of Ds . I think its possible some men/others/whatever might find you are in fact more proactive in the pursuits you seek than on average . I think its possible that from a PE/Ds point of view in ways you might be considered to 'top' when you for now carry the 'lions share' of responsibility in seeking a personal truth '. Though from my perspective in reading your frank discourse about your life that your intent is to work towards a goal of expressing yourself as a submissive within the context of a loving commitment to your husband. . You seem to have the bulk of the realisation ,hunger and knowledge in this relationship when it comes to Ds so your at an advantage to him by the simple fact.

More importantly you have the courage to try and apply these ' traits' , I would personally consider collectively great qualities in a submissive. To give over trust secure in the knowledge of the gravity of self strength required to do so with sincerity to another is the 'power' Miss Fury .

PS You have a Catch 22 thang going on here and have I told you that you rock lately ?

kind regards and love

@}-}rebecca----

PS As much as I really dislike using the 'I think' so repetitively in this post Miss Fury, I 'feel' currently the need to do so. Nothing above this line in my opinion 'I think'......lol.......is chiseled in stone.... *taps on the screen*..........nope......smiles ......its not stone xxxxx

 

[FurryFury]

Miss Fury really matters very little what others question, you seem to me to be honest to the core and if you identify with being 'a' submissive (being submissive/semantics) then you are.

You are as you state in 'vanilla' marriage and that poses its own challenges.I don't see the point in devaluing that marriage because it falls outside the realm of Ds . I think its possible some men/others/whatever might find you are in fact more proactive in the pursuits you seek than on average . I think its possible that from a PE/Ds point of view in ways you might be considered to 'top' when you for now carry the 'lions share' of responsibility in seeking a personal truth '. Though from my perspective in reading your frank discourse about your life that your intent is to work towards a goal of expressing yourself as a submissive within the context of a loving commitment to your husband. . You seem to have the bulk of the realisation ,hunger and knowledge in this relationship when it comes to Ds so your at an advantage to him by the simple fact.

More importantly you have the courage to try and apply these ' traits' , I would personally consider collectively great qualities in a submissive. To give over trust secure in the knowledge of the gravity of self strength required to do so with sincerity to another is the 'power' Miss Fury .

PS You have a Catch 22 thang going on here and have I told you that you rock lately ?

kind regards and love

@}-}rebecca----

PS As much as I really dislike using the 'I think' so repetitively in this post Miss Fury, I 'feel' currently the need to do so. Nothing above this line in my opinion 'I think'......lol.......is chiseled in stone.... *taps on the screen*..........nope......smiles ......its not stone xxxxx

I love you too Rebecca. Thank you for those words! I too think that if I feel it inside me, if I hunger for it, then that is what I am.

I know more about BDSM because I research the hell out of anything that catches my interest.

He has told me point blank he doesn't want to know or study it.

I am working to get what I want in some way and still maintain a happy marriage and family. I would never want to hurt him by what I need, nor would I want the kids to suffer for it.

So, from my point of view I simply do what I can. It's not as much as I'd wish of course but it is what it is.

Most days it's a fantastic journey. Some days I feel like a fool. Always I seek to learn. Often I have questions. Here is one of the places I seek answers.

Thank you for yours!

Fury X24

 

[rbijon]

...then this is indeed amazing research!

To top or bottem...that is the question!

 

[chris9]

I honestly don't know how to answer the poll. Since I'm pretty much in your shoes (well, without marriage and kids, still committed relationship) I have to think a bit about if I top from the bottom. I told him about a year ago that I wanted some BDSM action. Sometimes he indulges me, though I never tell him what to do like you seem to have to do. I leave the decision of when and what he wants to do to me with him, which works because he does give me some action every week or every other week, with vanilla sex inbetween. So I don't really feel like I'm topping from the bottom. But: Am I on the bottom? Is he top?
He does the BDSM action mostly for me, though he does seem to enjoy it, too I don't think he likes to see me in pain, he loves how wet I get from that pain, though. But anyway, if he only does it to please me, because I want him to do it to me, not because he wants it for himself, doesn't that make me be in charge, be technically the top?
Another question: Do I care? Is it important to me if I top from the bottom, or be the top, if it gets me what I want inside of my relationship, with the one I love?
Honestly, sometimes I do care. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong what I'm doing, if a 'real' sub (don't jump on me) shouldn't be happy with what the man in her life wants (vanilla sex) and be done with it.
At other times I'm happy that we are together, working out whatever dissimilarities we have to be happy with each other. Then I feel it's a good sign that we are able to do so.

Sorry, Fury, that I'm not able to answer your question more, though I do feel your point.
And even though I might be considered more top (making most of the decisions, making him do what I want) I do feel that I am submissive which usually is enough for me to know WHO I am.

So now I did vote that 'no, you can't'. I'm not really sure about it, but it does seem to sum up my feelings most. If a relationship is in its core vanilla, like mine is, and one wants something kinky in the BDSM way and the other does give it, there still are no tops and bottoms involved which makes TFTB impossible.

 

[Betticus]

How can anyone pick the first option?

Come on, from a logic perspective it doesn't make any sense, does it? People!

I think it makes perfect sense. My thought on the matter is that everyone likes to be held down and fucked like a cheap sex toy once in a while. Even if you have to guide your partner through what you want. Sometimes I WANT her to make me cum, to relax and just have her fuck me silly. I can take control at any time I want. The thing is that it's for me to get off, like a gift once in a while.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not saying the act doesn't make sense, I'm saying stressing about whether you are TFTB when you're not trying to define yourself makes any sense.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, okay, why am a stressing? Well I got accused of doing or being something that seems to be one of the main "sins" on this and other BDSM boards.

I always want to be a "good girl" and do things the "right way." I have certain goals and I gain more the more I learn. I am lost much of the time trying to figure out how to get there.

I really wish there were a manual for creating what I want.

Like, maybe, "Tasks and Role Play Scenarios That Will Help You and Your Sub/'Nilla Lover Understand and (Possibly) Take Charge!" LOL.

Fury

 

[chris9]

Yes, okay, why am a stressing? Well I got accused of doing or being something that seems to be one of the main "sins" on this and other BDSM boards.

I always want to be a "good girl" and do things the "right way." I have certain goals and I gain more the more I learn. I am lost much of the time trying to figure out how to get there.

I really wish there were a manual for creating what I want.

Like, maybe, "Tasks and Role Play Scenarios That Will Help You and Your Sub/'Nilla Lover Understand and (Possibly) Take Charge!" LOL.

Fury

I did think a bit more about it today (while studying LOL). I got to the temporary conclusion that in any relationship it's natural to try and get what you want out of it. Friendship, someone who holds you when you're down, sex, all that. In a D/s relationship the D part decides what each of the two need to get to remain satisfied in this relationship. In a vanilla relationship each has to see that their own needs get met. (There is the counter part of fulfilling your partner's needs, but I didn't get that far in my thoughts.)

Now I thought myself into a D/s relationship. And I don't really think I would do anything different. I would tell my Dom what I want, how to get me off sexually, whatever it would take. And I would naturally take charge if he didn't. Because TFTB always requires two to the equation. I can only 'top from the bottom' if there are bottoms and tops involved. If there aren't, I'm not in a D/s relationship and this term cannot be applied.

I read here sometime about testing new Doms by topping from the bottom. I mean it's not a good trait or anything, but it's the tops job to make the bottom stay the bottom. And if they can't manage that from the first, they wouldn't be for me.

Anyway, another bit of rambling from someone equally confused as you, Fury.
If you find the manual, pass it along please

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Like, maybe, "Tasks and Role Play Scenarios That Will Help You and Your Sub/'Nilla Lover Understand and (Possibly) Take Charge!" LOL.

Fury

WRITE THE BOOK YOURSELF MISS FURY !!!!!

You know you CAN write , you have a thirst for knowledge and I believe the determination to apply it within a context of family life that is similar to many. When you get it figured out to your own satisfaction......use what you have......write the %$#@ book.......it may be a bestseller

 

[chris9]

I'm so buying it. But you know, we might figure it out at around the same time and write it together?

 

[alice_underneath]

I know more about BDSM because I research the hell out of anything that catches my interest. He has told me point blank he doesn't want to know or study it.

Hi, Fury.

*hugs and more hugs*

The good news, as I see it:

- He has not reacted with shock/horror/outrage to your newly expressed desires.
- Though he may not be will to do the legwork, he is open to experimentation based on what you learn.
- He is participating in many of the activities that you suggest.

In your bedroom example above, when you started to bury your head in the pillow, he said: "No, you don't get that anonymity little girl, not today," and pulled on your hair.

To me, that says: He has clearly been paying attention, and is making effort to give you what you need.

The bad news, as I see it:

- Though he is participating, he is still resisting somewhat.
- He may not, in fact, be a dominant personality; and its hard to embrace a role (even in role-play) if you just aren't into it.

In other words, he may never be Betticus, who clearly understands the spirit and extent of what you are looking for - as evidenced by his comment:

What should have happened is that you should have been attacked when you walked in the door, dragged or carried into the bedroom, had your clothes torn off of you, been thrown down on the bed and been held down and fucked like you needed.

The question is, can you teach someone to be Betticus? Is it possible to transform someone into a Dom?

I could never be Netzach. Not for 5 minutes, and certainly not on a regular basis. This is not because I am better or worse, stronger or weaker, or anything else except for one thing: different.

I find myself wondering how I would feel if my SO came to me and said he had done a lot of research, figured out what he truly wants and needs, and then held up a profile of someone like Netzach. I imagine I would have two profound reactions.

1) I would feel pain, grief, and a sense of personal failure, because my SO had just described a keen desire for someone that I am not, and will never be.

2) I might try for a while to give my SO what he wanted. I would do this because I loved him, and wanted to please, and valued our relationship for a host of reasons having nothing to do with sexual fulfillment.

So I might learn how to use a flogger, or call him names, or whatever it is that he said that he needed to turn him on.

But eventually, I would resent being put in this position. I would still feel the pain of inadequacy, and become increasingly angry at having to adopt a role that I just don't enjoy.

I have no idea if these feelings would apply to your husband. I just throw them out there as a possibility.

I can hear the frustration in your posts, Fury, and god I'm sorry. You really are such an amazing woman, and I am feeling so much compassion for you right now.

But I am also feeling compassion for your husband.

On a different thread, when asked what one thing you would change about your life, you wrote:

"My husband would become a securely, knowledgeable Dominant in the bedroom."

I am guessing that he knows this. He has been getting the message, loud and clear.

I wonder why he can't be considerate of me that way or even the same ways I am of him.

Leaving aside the usual hot water/who-let-the-toilet-seat-up issues of marriage, my personal observation from what you have told me is that he is, in many ways, being quite considerate of your needs. He is trying, at least in part, to fulfill them.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be frustrated, Fury. I am just trying to offer a perspective that may help you appreciate what you have already been given.

Alice

 

[FurryFury]

I honestly don't know how to answer the poll. Since I'm pretty much in your shoes (well, without marriage and kids, still committed relationship) I have to think a bit about if I top from the bottom. I told him about a year ago that I wanted some BDSM action. Sometimes he indulges me, though I never tell him what to do like you seem to have to do. I leave the decision of when and what he wants to do to me with him, which works because he does give me some action every week or every other week, with vanilla sex inbetween.

So I don't really feel like I'm topping from the bottom. But: Am I on the bottom? Is he top?

He does the BDSM action mostly for me, though he does seem to enjoy it, too I don't think he likes to see me in pain, he loves how wet I get from that pain, though. But anyway, if he only does it to please me, because I want him to do it to me, not because he wants it for himself, doesn't that make me be in charge, be technically the top?

Another question: Do I care? Is it important to me if I top from the bottom, or be the top, if it gets me what I want inside of my relationship, with the one I love?

Honestly, sometimes I do care. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong what I'm doing, if a 'real' sub (don't jump on me) shouldn't be happy with what the man in her life wants (vanilla sex) and be done with it.
At other times I'm happy that we are together, working out whatever dissimilarities we have to be happy with each other. Then I feel it's a good sign that we are able to do so.

Sorry, Fury, that I'm not able to answer your question more, though I do feel your point.
And even though I might be considered more top (making most of the decisions, making him do what I want) I do feel that I am submissive which usually is enough for me to know WHO I am.

So now I did vote that 'no, you can't'. I'm not really sure about it, but it does seem to sum up my feelings most. If a relationship is in its core vanilla, like mine is, and one wants something kinky in the BDSM way and the other does give it, there still are no tops and bottoms involved which makes TFTB impossible.

Hi Chris9!

*hugs*

It sounds like to me you are on the bottom and he is on the top when you do BDSM things. Expressing what you would like is not IMO, the same thing as topping from the bottom, particularly since during the scene you are not directing it from what you said.

I do understand those feelings you sometimes get in which you wonder if I were really submissive shouldn't I be happy to just let him do things in the bedroom the way he wants them????

I understand because I too feel that way at times. I don't have an answer either.

If he is doing it mostly for you it still doesn't make you the one topping. As you pointed out, he seems to enjoy it. Honestly most men if they didn't enjoy it wouldn't do it, not matter what "it" is IMO.

I totally understand that you care and why. It's the same for me but you seem to have a more beneficial SO to your needs in this area and I'm happy for you!

I agree it should be what you feel you are inside that defines you.

Usually I feel happy and blessed that we can communicate and give each other most of what we want.

Fury

I did think a bit more about it today (while studying LOL). I got to the temporary conclusion that in any relationship it's natural to try and get what you want out of it. Friendship, someone who holds you when you're down, sex, all that. In a D/s relationship the D part decides what each of the two need to get to remain satisfied in this relationship. In a vanilla relationship each has to see that their own needs get met. (There is the counter part of fulfilling your partner's needs, but I didn't get that far in my thoughts.)

Now I thought myself into a D/s relationship. And I don't really think I would do anything different. I would tell my Dom what I want, how to get me off sexually, whatever it would take. And I would naturally take charge if he didn't. Because TFTB always requires two to the equation. I can only 'top from the bottom' if there are bottoms and tops involved. If there aren't, I'm not in a D/s relationship and this term cannot be applied.

I read here sometime about testing new Doms by topping from the bottom. I mean it's not a good trait or anything, but it's the tops job to make the bottom stay the bottom. And if they can't manage that from the first, they wouldn't be for me.

Anyway, another bit of rambling from someone equally confused as you, Fury.
If you find the manual, pass it along please

Of course I agree that regardless communication is essential in any relationship. I think that is only more true in a D/s relationship.

*HUGS*

Fury

WRITE THE BOOK YOURSELF MISS FURY !!!!!

You know you CAN write , you have a thirst for knowledge and I believe the determination to apply it within a context of family life that is similar to many. When you get it figured out to your own satisfaction......use what you have......write the damn book.......it may be a bestseller

*raises brows*

I think you believe in me far more than I believe in myself,dear Rebecca. I love you!!!

Fury

 

[chris9]

Hi Chris9!

*hugs*

It sounds like to me you are on the bottom and he is on the top when you do BDSM things. Expressing what you would like is not IMO, the same thing as topping from the bottom, particularly since during the scene you are not directing it from what you said.

I do understand those feelings you sometimes get in which you wonder if I were really submissive shouldn't I be happy to just let him do things in the bedroom the way he wants them????

I understand because I too feel that way at times. I don't have an answer either.

If he is doing it mostly for you it still doesn't make you the one topping. As you pointed out, he seems to enjoy it. Honestly most men if they didn't enjoy it wouldn't do it, not matter what "it" is IMO.

I totally understand that you care and why. It's the same for me but you seem to have a more beneficial SO to your needs in this area and I'm happy for you!

I agree it should be what you feel you are inside that defines you.

Usually I feel happy and blessed that we can communicate and give each other most of what we want.

No, I know, so far I have not been topping. And at the moment we're doing great, because he starts. But that's not always the case, and so sometimes we don't have sex, because neither of us feels like starting. Then we get the 'blame each other' thing.
I agree that your husband might be more of a sub, while mine is plainly vanilla. Or I might just be lucky, because he is still in the male prime sex age, so he wants sex and does a lot to get it
Reminds me that another communication session is really in need for us.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm so buying it. But you know, we might figure it out at around the same time and write it together?

Sounds great! I'd rather collaborate than write alone! *smiles*

Fury


Quote:
Originally Posted by FurryFury
I know more about BDSM because I research the hell out of anything that catches my interest. He has told me point blank he doesn't want to know or study it.

Hi, Fury

*hugs and more hugs*

# *hugs and hugs back*

Hi Alice!

The good news, as I see it:

- He has not reacted with shock/horror/outrage to your newly expressed desires.
- Though he may not be will to do the legwork, he is open to experimentation based on what you learn.
- He is participating in many of the activities that you suggest.

In your bedroom example above, when you started to bury your head in the pillow, he said: "No, you don't get that anonymity little girl, not today," and pulled on your hair.

To me, that says: He has clearly been paying attention, and is making effort to give you what you need.

# I agree and I am very pleased at these things.

The bad news, as I see it:

- Though he is participating, he is still resisting somewhat.
- He may not, in fact, be a dominant personality; and its hard to embrace a role (even in role-play) if you just aren't into it.

In other words, he may never be Betticus, who clearly understands the spirit and extent of what you are looking for - as evidenced by his comment:


Quote:
Originally Posted by Betticus
What should have happened is that you should have been attacked when you walked in the door, dragged or carried into the bedroom, had your clothes torn off of you, been thrown down on the bed and been held down and fucked like you needed.

The question is, can you teach someone to be Betticus? Is it possible to transform someone into a Dom?

# No, I don't believe you can make someone into a Dom who is not a Dom.

I could never be Netzach. Not for 5 minutes, and certainly not on a regular basis. This is not because I am better or worse, stronger or weaker, or anything else except for one thing: different.

I find myself wondering how I would feel if my SO came to me and said he had done a lot of research, figured out what he truly wants and needs, and then held up a profile of someone like Netzach. I imagine I would have two profound reactions.

1) I would feel pain, grief, and a sense of personal failure, because my SO had just described a keen desire for someone that I am not, and will never be.

# I have never and would never hold up a specific person as the person I wanted him to be.

2) I might try for a while to give my SO what he wanted. I would do this because I loved him, and wanted to please, and valued our relationship for a host of reasons having nothing to do with sexual fulfillment.

# I would do that too and have.

So I might learn how to use a flogger, or call him names, or whatever it is that he said that he needed to turn him on.

But eventually, I would resent being put in this position. I would still feel the pain of inadequacy, and become increasingly angry at having to adopt a role that I just don't enjoy.

# This is something I do worry about and even though it might not sound like it, I've tried to take things slowly with his needs and feelings in mind because I do not want to live with another man full of resentments, particularly resentments I caused. I never want to hurt him period.

I have no idea if these feelings would apply to your husband. I just throw them out there as a possibility.

I can hear the frustration in your posts, Fury, and god I'm sorry. You really are such an amazing woman, and I am feeling so much compassion for you right now.

# Thanks so much Alice but you know frustrating times come and go. On the whole I am far happier than this thread and some other posts may tend to show. I went through a rough day or two this week but most of the time I am very happy.

But I am also feeling compassion for your husband.

# Anyone who can see both sides of the coin like you can is a smart and wise person. I feel compassion for him to. We all, I believe have our moments of frustration with each other no matter what sort of relationship we have in the bedroom.

On a different thread, when asked what one thing you would change about your life, you wrote:

"My husband would become a securely, knowledgeable Dominant in the bedroom."

I am guessing that he knows this. He has been getting the message, loud and clear.

# Oh I'm sure he does. However he also knows and is very secure in the fact that I will love and accept him regardless.


Quote:
Originally Posted by FurryFury
I wonder why he can't be considerate of me that way or even the same ways I am of him.

Leaving aside the usual hot water/who-let-the-toilet-seat-up issues of marriage, my personal observation from what you have told me is that he is, in many ways, being quite considerate of your needs. He is trying, at least in part, to fulfill them.

# Uh, not the water and making noise when he is awake during night shift problems. In general I am MUCH more considerate of him than he is of me. Then again perhaps in his own head is more considerate just in ways I don't even recognize. I'm not sure why that is. I think it comes back to how you need to be loved. I think I should read Gracie's recommended book on that.

No matter how frustrated I get or even pissed, I LOVE, LIKE and RESPECT him. He knows that. He has always been so secure in my love and loyalty, it was irritating.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be frustrated, Fury. I am just trying to offer a perspective that may help you appreciate what you have already been given.

# Oh I appreciate him very much. Not a day goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars for having him and the kids. I was in a hellish marriage before. I know how fortunate I am! In many ways I'm alive now because of his vision of love and the kids.

No matter how much I bitch that doesn't change ever.

Thanks for your comments Alice! *hug*

Fury

No, I know, so far I have not been topping. And at the moment we're doing great, because he starts. But that's not always the case, and so sometimes we don't have sex, because neither of us feels like starting. Then we get the 'blame each other' thing.
I agree that your husband might be more of a sub, while mine is plainly vanilla. Or I might just be lucky, because he is still in the male prime sex age, so he wants sex and does a lot to get it
Reminds me that another communication session is really in need for us.

Those can be lovely and difficult. Good luck with yours!

Fury

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

In your bedroom example above, when you started to bury your head in the pillow, he said: "No, you don't get that anonymity little girl, not today," and pulled on your hair.

To me, that says: He has clearly been paying attention, and is making effort to give you what you need.

Awards Mr Fury 100%......sure would have earnt him a hot breakfast and a nvm simultaneously if so desired

Is it possible to transform someone into a Dom?

Alice.......why do you always have to ask questions I feel compelled to answer knowing I am most likely going to get some back lash for ? Ohhhh suddenly just realised that might not just be such a bad thing after all .......laughs....... .......okay here we go ......deep breath miss rebecca

My inital answer is NO . You cannot 'make' a Dominant anymore than you can 'make' a submissive. Now I have to do a slight turn remembering people have very different opinions about what a Dominant in fact is........soooooo.......please permit me to rephrase the question if I may.

Is it possible that some men through conditioning have yet to explore taking a Dominant stance sexually, may have a credible ability to be 'Dominant' and find it forfilling as an outcome ?

ahuh ........nodding

There will always be exceptions.........blah blah blah........

I would feel pain, grief, and a sense of personal failure, because my SO had just described a keen desire for someone that I am not, and will never be.

Alice this also shows your unique and generous ability for empathy.

I might try for a while to give my SO what he wanted. I would do this because I loved him, and wanted to please, and valued our relationship for a host of reasons having nothing to do with sexual fulfillment.

*coughssubmissive

I can hear the frustration in your posts, Fury, and god I'm sorry. You really are such an amazing woman, and I am feeling so much compassion for you right now.

But I am also feeling compassion for your husband.

I want to 'adopt' all four of you at this stage ......smiles...thinks about converting the third bedroom to be suitable .......YAY redecorating

Makes a Ohhhh revelation type noise ........though could turn out to be absolute rubbish haven't thought it through yet thingy

I used the term 'conditioned' before . Lets consider some of the things we teach our sons growing up that may impact on a mans ability to be seen to embrace being 'Dominant' sexually past a conventional point.

Real Men don't hurt woman...............................( not making a list making a point )

Cutural, Religious beliefs, Background of experience concerning violence...........how this things may be perceived to uninitiated........whether your partner might be struggling more within the context of these as opposed to being Dominant sexually

Any further comments pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee............

 

[FurryFury]

Awards Mr Fury 100%......sure would have earnt him a hot breakfast and a nvm simultaneously if so desired

Alice.......why do you always have to ask questions I feel compelled to answer knowing I am most likely going to get some back lash for ? Ohhhh suddenly just realised that might not just be such a bad thing after all .......laughs....... .......okay here we go ......deep breath miss rebecca

My inital answer is NO . You cannot 'make' a Dominant anymore than you can 'make' a submissive. Now I have to do a slight turn remembering people have very different opinions about what a Dominant in fact is........soooooo.......please permit me to rephrase the question if I may.

Is it possible that some men through conditioning have yet to explore taking a Dominant stance sexually, may have a credible ability to be 'Dominant' and find it forfilling as an outcome ?

ahuh ........nodding

There will always be exceptions.........blah blah blah......

Alice this also shows your unique and generous ability for empathy.

*coughssubmissive

I want to 'adopt' all four of you at this stage ......smiles...thinks about converting the third bedroom to be suitable .......YAY redecorating

Makes a Ohhhh revelation type noise ........though could turn out to be absolute rubbish haven't thought it through yet thingy

I used the term 'conditioned' before . Lets consider some of the things we teach our sons growing up that may impact on a mans ability to be seen to embrace being 'Dominant' sexually past a conventional point.

Real Men don't hurt woman...............................( not making a list making a point )

Cutural, Religious beliefs, Background of experience concerning violence...........how this things may be perceived to uninitiated........whether your partner might be struggling more within the context of these as opposed to being Dominant sexually

Any further comments pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee............

Hi Rebecca!

You know what I love about this thread?

That is has become a real conversation with a lot of wonderful people contributing! I love this!

LOL about breakfast! We don't have the kind of life in which we usually even eat breakfast or get up for it! *chuckles* Yes he did deserve a little lagniappe for sure. What is nvm?

I agree about making a Dom versus bringing out latent and/or unconsciously realized Dom tenancies.

For once I'm glad my husband refuses to be on this board. I'm not sure I'd be as plainly honest otherwise but I probably would. *c*

So let us know when the room is ready? *winks* I'd love to at least visit if I had the time and money!

Fury

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

LOL about breakfast! We don't have the kind of life in which we usually even eat breakfast or get up for it! *chuckles* Yes he did deserve a little lagniappe for sure.

Ohhh Miss Fury I go all Morticia Adams when you speak le français....laughs...C'etait formidable! Pourrais-tu defaire les attaches, s'il te plait?

What is nvm?

Ohhh nevermind ( la petite mort)

So let us know when the room is ready? *winks*

Fury

J’ai réservé un chambre au nom de Madame Fury

 

[Mamid]

Topping from the bottom is perfectly okay even if you aren't "the bottom."

Its called communicating your needs. Only if the "Top" at the time is a complete cad will they ignore what you are requesting, asking for or whatever.

Even something as simple as "a little to the left. no my left." could be "toping from the bottom. But at the same time, it is directing your partner to your sweet spot which will cause both of you to enjoy the encounter that much more.

 

[alice_underneath]

Hi again, Fury.

I have never and would never hold up a specific person as the person I wanted him to be.

I did not mean to imply that you would hold up a specific person.

I meant to say that you would describe attributes or characteristics of the type of person that you would like him to be.

On a different thread, when asked what one thing you would change about your life, you wrote:

"My husband would become a securely, knowledgeable Dominant in the bedroom."

I am guessing that he knows this. He has been getting the message, loud and clear.

Oh I'm sure he does. However he also knows and is very secure in the fact that I will love and accept him regardless.

The male egos that I have known (either directly, or indirectly through discussions with my friends, sisters, etc.) are very closely tied to their perception of their own sexual prowess.

You are so generous and loving, Fury. I have absolutely no doubt that you are an affectionate, giving, and wonderful spouse.

All I am suggesting here is that you are playing with fire when you start telling a man that you wish he were more forceful or powerful or dominant in bed. I am not saying you shouldn't tell him what you need (far from it). I am just saying that you should be very, very careful in the telling.

Someone else referenced a "Catch22". No kidding!! To get him to be more powerful, forceful, & dominant (read: "masculine"), you have to tell him that he has never been powerful & forceful & dominant enough to satisfy you. The danger you face is that the message itself will work against the goal you desire.

From your example:

I tell him I love him again and really have to go.

"Oh do me a favor today?" I ask.

"What?" He says sounding completly put upon.

"Think about using me later today or tonight."

"Using you?"

"Yeah. Bad."

I walk the fuck out.

Sure, technically you told him you love him.

But what I am really "hearing" here (and what I am guessing he heard too), is that you are frustrated and angry because he is not giving you what you need in bed.

Be extremely careful about when & how you tell him what you need. That's all I am suggesting.

Alice