The Whole Jealousy Thing...

[Desdemona]

Good thread Chele. I've enjoyed reading the discussion.

I'm a sub in a poly relationship. I have 2 other sub sisters.

Do I get occasional twinges of jealousy? I'd be lying if I said no. But, I talk about it. I'm honest about my feelings and I take responsibility for how I feel. It isn't anybody else's problem but my own. It is my responsibility to either learn to cope or to leave. Most of the time, its simply because they are having a good time together and I wish I could be there with them!

When I entered into this relationship with Snoozebutton, I knew that He was poly. I knew I would never be the only sub. He takes great care to treat us equally and to help us be happy together as we serve Him. I would not change Him for anything. As Eb would say, He holds my magic. His strength and domination weaves a thread through most aspects of my life and binds me to Him in a way that fills me with wonder.

I'm cultivating my relationships with the 2 other women in our life. It's an honor to call them "sis" and to have them as my friends. I find the benefits and joy of these interlocking and diverse relationships far outweigh any momentary twinges of envy or jealousy I may feel. He chose us all well. We have much in common, yet are also quite different people with complementary strengths and weaknesses.

I believe that as time passes and we are finally able to make our home together, the twinges I occasionally feel will disappear. I'm not saying its all easy, it isn't. No relationship, whether D/s, nilla, monogamous or poly is easy. What I'm saying is, for me, this is a choice and it is worth the effort. It doesn't work for everybody.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Good thread Chele. I've enjoyed reading the discussion.

I'm a sub in a poly relationship. I have 2 other sub sisters.

Do I get occasional twinges of jealousy? I'd be lying if I said no. But, I talk about it. I'm honest about my feelings and I take responsibility for how I feel. It isn't anybody else's problem but my own. It is my responsibility to either learn to cope or to leave. Most of the time, its simply because they are having a good time together and I wish I could be there with them!

When I entered into this relationship with Snoozebutton, I knew that He was poly. I knew I would never be the only sub. He takes great care to treat us equally and to help us be happy together as we serve Him. I would not change Him for anything. As Eb would say, He holds my magic. His strength and domination weaves a thread through most aspects of my life and binds me to Him in a way that fills me with wonder.


I'm cultivating my relationships with the 2 other women in our life. It's an honor to call them "sis" and to have them as my friends. I find the benefits and joy of these interlocking and diverse relationships far outweigh any momentary twinges of envy or jealousy I may feel. He chose us all well. We have much in common, yet are also quite different people with complementary strengths and weaknesses.

I believe that as time passes and we are finally able to make our home together, the twinges I occasionally feel will disappear. I'm not saying its all easy, it isn't. No relationship, whether D/s, nilla, monogamous or poly is easy. What I'm saying is, for me, this is a choice and it is worth the effort. It doesn't work for everybody.

I, celebrate your happiness, Des. And Congratulate Snoozbutton in his choices. I must confess I cannot take credit for the apt use of the word magic. It comes from Shadowsdream, who in my mind is one of the wisest Dom/mes I know.

Eb
<edited to make sense>

 

[Desdemona]

I, celebrate your happiness, Des. And Congratulate Snoozbutton in his choices. I must confess I cannot take credit for the apt use of the word magic. It comes from Shadowsdream, who in my mind is one of the wisest Dom/mes I know.

Eb
<edited to make sense>

Thank you Eb. I've learned a great deal from both you and Shadowsdream.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thank you Eb. I've learned a great deal from both you and Shadowsdream.

Hopefully you will be moving soon, and your adventure will really begin!

 

[Zaudika]

I haven't read through the entire thread, but wanted to share my own lifestyle and opinions on this subject also.
I'm also another that doesn't completely understand poly relationships. I do share the opinion that if its what makes you happy, then go for it. In the past I've tried having more open relationships with my partners, and it never worked well. There was always some point when things got bad, and it just wasn't worth it. At that time I hadn't yet been introduced to the BDSM scene, but I think now that I have, it'd be even more impossible for me to be happy in that lifestyle.
In my past I've had a poly relationship, I've had lovers with no commitment, and I've had what was supposed to be a long term monogamous relationships. I say supposed to be because the guy was very dishonest, and cheated, a lot.
I've come to a point in my life where I also only want my one and only. I'm also a sub that doesn't have any desire to share. I've run into the same thing as many others have posted, Dom's I've run across that are only willing to have multiple subs. And like some of the other subs that have posted, left the idea of that relationship way behind. I've always been very upfront about wanting to be with only one person, and for that person to want only me. Happily, I've been very forunate recently to find a wonderful person who is wanting the same things.

I do have kind of a thought, I sometimes wonder if everyone eventually has a point where they will want to settle down with just one person. Maybe I'm wrong here, its kind of a question I'm throwing out I guess for people who are in poly relationships.
Do you think there'll ever be a point that you do just want one persons love, and to love only them, be with only them, settle down, live, grow old with only that person?
I guess when I think about it, its always seemed to me like everyone would hit that point eventually, but I realize I may be wrong.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I do have kind of a thought, I sometimes wonder if everyone eventually has a point where they will want to settle down with just one person.

All I have to say to this is, why?

I see no reason to restrict myself.

Others may take a different view. To each his or her own.

 

[James G 5]

it's the old nature verusus nurture argument. effects of environment compared to what is naturally inborn. since there's absolutly no way to prove either side, you guys could run this discussion around in circles until you all got dizzy and threw up.

In this case, there's a lot more evidence for nurture than nature vis-a-vis the inborn attitudes of jealousy & possesiveness being turned to relationships thru nurture
Hopeully before we throw up we can convince a few people to examine the ideas
There's always a hope that rationality & understanding will win out over nausea

 

[James G 5]

Yes well, if you must! I look at it as an exchange of ideas, and an addition to my high post count.

It's thinking like that which caused someone to label me a "post whore" the other day LOL

 

[James G 5]

lol! gotta bump up the post count, and you might as well do it with an intelligent discussion!

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
Say that too loud and the GB trolls might come rampaging in to attack us

 

[James G 5]

To have a definitive answer
you have to have the right question


That I do not have

Ah yes, the flip side to bunny's sig line

 

[James G 5]

I do have kind of a thought, I sometimes wonder if everyone eventually has a point where they will want to settle down with just one person. Maybe I'm wrong here, its kind of a question I'm throwing out I guess for people who are in poly relationships.
Do you think there'll ever be a point that you do just want one persons love, and to love only them, be with only them, settle down, live, grow old with only that person?
I guess when I think about it, its always seemed to me like everyone would hit that point eventually, but I realize I may be wrong.

This kind of ties in to something I was planning to bring up here
I think a lot of the unhappiness people have in relationships, and a big part of what leads in to a lot of the "straying" in so called committed relationships, is the mistaken, pie-in-the-sky idea of a "soulmate", or someone who can "complete" you
Relationships are hard WORK between 2 or more disparate people with different wants, needs, and desires.....no matter how much they have in common, they will never be 100% "for" one another
Too many people aren't willing to put the work in to the relationship and leave or cheat when their needs aren't met 100% because they're unwilling to work or sacrifice
It's a truism that men cheat for sex and women to have their emotional needs fulfilled.....more women leave marriages for their lovers than do men, for exactly that reason
I think as people grow older & more happy & comfortable and secure in THEMSELVES they become more CAPABLE of staying in a LTR that's monogamous becuase they're nto looking to their partners or anyone else to meet their needs or make their happiness....they've learned to do it for THEMSELVES.
Interesting note: It's well known in swinging circles that it's generally the husband who brings a couple in to swinging, usually to a) fulfill the common male fantasy of seeing his wife with another and b) hoping to get a free pass at some new pussy (excuse the crudity). However, it's also usually the husband who wants to LEAVE......He gets tired of it, has gotten his thrills in, and is done with it. The wives in that situation frequently don't want to STOP......they've had (usually at an older age, most serious swingers start at 35-40 and go up from there, I think I read median age is like 40 or 45) their libido unleashed and gotten a crash course in the fallacies of jealousy & society's ideas about sex and sex roles.
So in THAT respect you're never too old to have fun being with other people.

I think the idea of a "shared" or semi-open relationship CAN work, assuming you have 2 relatively well adjusted people at the base who can openly & honestly communicate with one another. In the earlier years of both the relationship & the people's lives, they could have needs the other can't meet filled elsewhere (the woman is a perfect partner in other respects but doesn't go for D/s play or is lousy in bed or what have you, the guy is a good friend and provider but lacks connectivity emotionally etc etc), and as the relationship progresses and the people age & become more content with themslves & their lives they'll be less likely to look outside the primary person or persons (in the event of a 3-way or 4-way, I don't think LTR's over that are practical for a host of reasons) for fullfilment.

Now all we need to DO that is to get back to work on the pesky "jealousy" issue that started this whole thing off!

 

[WynEternal]

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
Say that too loud and the GB trolls might come rampaging in to attack us

Hey! I'm a GB "post whore."

 

[Zaudika]

This kind of ties in to something I was planning to bring up here
I think a lot of the unhappiness people have in relationships, and a big part of what leads in to a lot of the "straying" in so called committed relationships, is the mistaken, pie-in-the-sky idea of a "soulmate", or someone who can "complete" you
Relationships are hard WORK between 2 or more disparate people with different wants, needs, and desires.....no matter how much they have in common, they will never be 100% "for" one another
Too many people aren't willing to put the work in to the relationship and leave or cheat when their needs aren't met 100% because they're unwilling to work or sacrifice
It's a truism that men cheat for sex and women to have their emotional needs fulfilled.....more women leave marriages for their lovers than do men, for exactly that reason
I think as people grow older & more happy & comfortable and secure in THEMSELVES they become more CAPABLE of staying in a LTR that's monogamous becuase they're nto looking to their partners or anyone else to meet their needs or make their happiness....they've learned to do it for THEMSELVES.
Interesting note: It's well known in swinging circles that it's generally the husband who brings a couple in to swinging, usually to a) fulfill the common male fantasy of seeing his wife with another and b) hoping to get a free pass at some new pussy (excuse the crudity). However, it's also usually the husband who wants to LEAVE......He gets tired of it, has gotten his thrills in, and is done with it. The wives in that situation frequently don't want to STOP......they've had (usually at an older age, most serious swingers start at 35-40 and go up from there, I think I read median age is like 40 or 45) their libido unleashed and gotten a crash course in the fallacies of jealousy & society's ideas about sex and sex roles.
So in THAT respect you're never too old to have fun being with other people.

I think the idea of a "shared" or semi-open relationship CAN work, assuming you have 2 relatively well adjusted people at the base who can openly & honestly communicate with one another. In the earlier years of both the relationship & the people's lives, they could have needs the other can't meet filled elsewhere (the woman is a perfect partner in other respects but doesn't go for D/s play or is lousy in bed or what have you, the guy is a good friend and provider but lacks connectivity emotionally etc etc), and as the relationship progresses and the people age & become more content with themslves & their lives they'll be less likely to look outside the primary person or persons (in the event of a 3-way or 4-way, I don't think LTR's over that are practical for a host of reasons) for fullfilment.

Now all we need to DO that is to get back to work on the pesky "jealousy" issue that started this whole thing off!

All very good points that I totally agree with.
I like that you brought up this part about people not willing to work at their relationships, and that no relationship is 100% perfect. That is so completely true.
I find it sad the amount of people out there that feel that once they have a disagreement, an arguement, or something of that matter, that the relationship is over. It baffles me at times. I've had ex's that we've been in an arguement and they've flat out said, "I guess we're going to break up now huh?" I don't think I understand whats so difficult for people to understand about working through problems and disagreements in relationships.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hey! I'm a GB "post whore."

So stop bragging about it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

It's thinking like that which caused someone to label me a "post whore" the other day LOL

Did they pay you?

 

[bunny bondage]

Did they pay you?

cuz if not, wouldn't that make you more of a post slut?

 

[Richard49]

cuz if not, wouldn't that make you more of a post slut?

Slut ?
Do you know one?

 

[bunny bondage]

Slut ?
Do you know one?

heh, if i find one, i'll send them your way!

 

[kayte]

Good thread Chele. I've enjoyed reading the discussion.

I'm a sub in a poly relationship. I have 2 other sub sisters.

Do I get occasional twinges of jealousy? I'd be lying if I said no. But, I talk about it. I'm honest about my feelings and I take responsibility for how I feel. It isn't anybody else's problem but my own. It is my responsibility to either learn to cope or to leave. Most of the time, its simply because they are having a good time together and I wish I could be there with them!

When I entered into this relationship with Snoozebutton, I knew that He was poly. I knew I would never be the only sub. He takes great care to treat us equally and to help us be happy together as we serve Him. I would not change Him for anything. As Eb would say, He holds my magic. His strength and domination weaves a thread through most aspects of my life and binds me to Him in a way that fills me with wonder.

I'm cultivating my relationships with the 2 other women in our life. It's an honor to call them "sis" and to have them as my friends. I find the benefits and joy of these interlocking and diverse relationships far outweigh any momentary twinges of envy or jealousy I may feel. He chose us all well. We have much in common, yet are also quite different people with complementary strengths and weaknesses.

I believe that as time passes and we are finally able to make our home together, the twinges I occasionally feel will disappear. I'm not saying its all easy, it isn't. No relationship, whether D/s, nilla, monogamous or poly is easy. What I'm saying is, for me, this is a choice and it is worth the effort. It doesn't work for everybody.

Hi sis.

I just got a chance to read your post. As you know I have had a few things going on with the furnace and all. You always do present the feelings, the challenges and the joys we are going through in such a wonderful way. Thank you !!!

As you said, it doesn't work for everyone. It is now and will continue to work for the four of us.

 

[FungiUg]

All I have to say to this is, why?

I see no reason to restrict myself.

Wot she said!

 

[NemoAlia]

Okay, color me ignorant: I had no idea that Desdemona and snoozebutton were a pair of our friendly neighborhood lovebirds!

Congratulations, you two!

 

[Desdemona]

Okay, color me ignorant: I had no idea that Desdemona and snoozebutton were a pair of our friendly neighborhood lovebirds!

Congratulations, you two!

Thank you. We've kept a low profile as we were solidifying relationships within our *family group* which of course includes Kayte and Dragonlace.

Kayte, thanks sis, for all the sweet things you said. You always make me smile.

 

[kayte]

Thank you. We've kept a low profile as we were solidifying relationships within our *family group* which of course includes Kayte and Dragonlace.

Kayte, thanks sis, for all the sweet things you said. You always make me smile.

Des ~ Good morning sis. Nice to see you here. You having trouble with ice there today? Please stay safe and warm.

 

[MissTaken]

Hey! I'm a GB "post whore."

Umm wonder what that makes me?



What an incredible thread!

Thanks all for posting as openly and candidly as you have.

Now, for me, I do have a nice, healthy jealousy streak.

There was a time when I seriously explored a poly relationship and while I have since come to the conclusion that I am an emotional monogamist, here are some things I learned.

In terms of BDSM, each relationship is separate and distinct. Some are very intensely emotional, complete with commitment, connections etc. Then, when adding another to the mix, the relationship may be identified in more functional terms. A Dom/me needs a sub to Dominate.

Love, the crux of jealousy, doesn't always have to enter into that. EB and I have discussed this issue and I think I finally understand it.

When I explored poly, the closest we came to actually engaging in a poly relationship was with a gal who would have been my domestic sub. My feelings toward her and the pleasure I recieved from her submission was far different than the hot, consuming relationship I shared with the Dom.

I enjoyed her loyalty, honesty and eagerness to serve. Had we moved forward, she would have been part of the family with a very specific role...domestic sub. It would have been my choice whether or not bisexual relations became involved, she was fulfilled in simply serving, yes, role playing, if you will.

Just a few thoughts on this crappy Monday morning!



It was comparable to times, when I was just out for fun, meeting someone, befriending them and fucking versus making love.

Functional.

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you. We've kept a low profile as we were solidifying relationships within our *family group* which of course includes Kayte and Dragonlace.

Kayte, thanks sis, for all the sweet things you said. You always make me smile.

Des,

I am so happy for you.

It has been a pleasure and privilege to know you and watch your growth and search for happiness.

Many hugs and best wishes to everyone!