pink_silk_glove
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2018
- Posts
- 2,532
I agree with your own assessment. Although it's a run-on, it's a purposeful run-on, and I see what you are trying to do. But the problem is that long phrase that starts "past" and ends "rhythm." The problem for the reader is I have to recall what happened before "past" to make sense of "into a." It's a stumbling block. I think you'd be better off sticking a period after "rhythm" and follow it with something like "They ducked into"
Thanks for the feedback. I hope that I don't end up having to break the sentence, but I think your analysis as to why it feels wrong is a very good one. I'll keep working on it.
I like this one. It feels like one of those "one long shot" scenes in a movie where the camera follows somebody through several rooms.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do.
It's that third image that gets difficult. It's much longer than any of the others and until we get to "into a narrow hallway" there's nothing to tell me "that image is done, you can let go of the details now", so it ends up being a bit too much to keep in working memory. I can see why you'd want to keep the DJ and the MC together, since they're part of the same act, but I think for the sake of flow it might be the lesser of evils to separate them.
Yes, I've now taken that list comma out at the beginning (not sure why I put it in in the first place as I often don't use list commas because for me commas are really used for subordinate clauses and genuine pauses) and it's working better.
I think Branblethorn's analysis and suggestions are spot on. I would only add that the transition from the main bar room into the washroom hallway would involve a big change in the sensory environment since it involves going from the main room where all the action is unto a more confined space. You might try to convey this change a bit more vividly.
I still need to fix that trouble spot at the end after 'rhythm', I think that I'll try adding 'then' or 'next' or something.
Thanks for the input everyone. It's getting my brain unstuck on this.