Thoughts on monogamy in today's world?

[Hipshot1554]

It depends (at least it does for me) on your definition of the word 'mate'. I have been married for 31 years. I love Richard with the intensity that is usually reserved for Mills & Boon novels or romantic films. I know that this passion is reciprocated. Here's the thing: Richard is barely 3" fully hard and he suffers from prem. ej. He suggested that I make him a cuckold. Eventually, I did. I suppose over the course of nearly 30 years (we were vanilla and monogamous for the first 2 years of our marriage) I have been fucked thousands of times by men (and some women!) other than my husband. It is a mutually consensual arrangement. He used to reclaim me, but these days he is permanently cock locked (milked once a week) and he has been denied p in v sex for over 25 years. We both love our chosen lifestyle, and wouldn't change it for the world.

Thank you. I make no judgements. This was just a topic I was curious about. I firmly believe that when couples are open and honest about their feelings, desires, and needs they are much happier.

 

[inka2222]

It depends (at least it does for me) on your definition of the word 'mate'. I have been married for 31 years. I love Richard with the intensity that is usually reserved for Mills & Boon novels or romantic films. I know that this passion is reciprocated. Here's the thing: Richard is barely 3" fully hard and he suffers from prem. ej. He suggested that I make him a cuckold. Eventually, I did. I suppose over the course of nearly 30 years (we were vanilla and monogamous for the first 2 years of our marriage) I have been fucked thousands of times by men (and some women!) other than my husband. It is a mutually consensual arrangement. He used to reclaim me, but these days he is permanently cock locked (milked once a week) and he has been denied p in v sex for over 25 years. We both love our chosen lifestyle, and wouldn't change it for the world.

Could you explain how your "intense love" actually exabits? Loving someone means wanting what is good for them and willingness to sacrifice your own wishes for that. What you described is him sacrificing HIS happiness and well being for you, with zero reciprocation (and thus zero actual love) from you. You love being married to him clearly. Can you elaborate how someone outside your brain can observe any evidence that you love HIM, as a person, not just enjoy having him around as a convenient provider who allows you to fuck random people, with literally zero benefit to himself?

This is like a Roman patrician saying they "love" their slave. Sure, you love HAVING one, because slave does all the work, can be horrendously abused for your entertainment, and doesn't need to be provided much except some shit food so they don't literally starve. Nobody normal would claim that this slave is actually loved by the owner, in any meaning of the word, or is the owner's "mate".

 

[summer_reine]

I like some old traditions of renewing a marriage after a set period of time or letting it end. I think this might reduce/prevent the betrayal of cheating, knowing that after a short period of time (5 years in my mind since that seems to be about as long as the average marriage lasts before stuff starts getting messy) you can simply walk away. This of course makes children and martial assets more complicated.

 

[LisaMayTurner]

It's always important to remember that not every culture, nor every nation, nor every group within every nation across the planet is going to want to conform to any individual's ideas about their own life in this world. Oh, and then there are all the millions of individuals all thinking people can be generalised to their own way of thinking, their own experiences, or their own ideas.

 

[HottieOlwen]

Could you explain how your "intense love" actually exabits? Loving someone means wanting what is good for them and willingness to sacrifice your own wishes for that. What you described is him sacrificing HIS happiness and well being for you, with zero reciprocation (and thus zero actual love) from you. You love being married to him clearly. Can you elaborate how someone outside your brain can observe any evidence that you love HIM, as a person, not just enjoy having him around as a convenient provider who allows you to fuck random people, with literally zero benefit to himself?

This is like a Roman patrician saying they "love" their slave. Sure, you love HAVING one, because slave does all the work, can be horrendously abused for your entertainment, and doesn't need to be provided much except some shit food so they don't literally starve. Nobody normal would claim that this slave is actually loved by the owner, in any meaning of the word, or is the owner's "mate".

With all due respect, inka2222 you either haven't read my post properly, or you are just being provocative. Richard is not my provider. I am a professional woman in my vanilla life, and I contribute 100% to our combined bank account, as does my cuckold. What is good for Richard, and I know this because he's told me on many occasions, is that he witnesses me being fucked whilst being denied himself. Richard does not do ALL the work. We share housework, although he does the ironing, because he's better at it than I am! We share the preparation and cooking if meals.

Do you know what? I don't know why I'm trying to justify our lifestyle to you. We both love it, and wouldn't change it for all the tea in China. If you can't cope with that, it's your problem, not ours.

 

[EbersMoll]

A fascinating thread. Whilst many societies still seem to favour a monogamous pair type relationship, many also permit or tolerate other relationship choices. Sadly sometimes with less advantageous conditions.

My wife and I met 35 years ago and have been married for 30 of those years, albeit with a couple of close calls from each of us along the way. It works for us. It wouldn’t work for everyone.

The key things as far as I can see are that

• All parties in any relationship are cognsant of what type of relationship they are in;
• No one is being coerced;
• People make mistakes or simply change over time, which may mean that what what was right last year will not be right next. Society has to accept and accommodate this reality;
• If a relationship that resulted in the acquisition of property or production of children breaks down or otherwise ends expectedly or unexpectedly, there is a mechanism to limit the adverse impacts of the ending on all concerned, especially any children and fairly distribute the property to all concerned.

There will, I feel, always be a place for monogamous pairs, but other relationship choices are available and are often successful. They should be accommodated by society also.

That’s my twopence worth.

 

[policywank]

With all due respect, inka2222 you either haven't read my post properly, or you are just being provocative. Richard is not my provider. I am a professional woman in my vanilla life, and I contribute 100% to our combined bank account, as does my cuckold. What is good for Richard, and I know this because he's told me on many occasions, is that he witnesses me being fucked whilst being denied himself. Richard does not do ALL the work. We share housework, although he does the ironing, because he's better at it than I am! We share the preparation and cooking if meals.

Do you know what? I don't know why I'm trying to justify our lifestyle to you. We both love it, and wouldn't change it for all the tea in China. If you can't cope with that, it's your problem, not ours.

I think that the thing that people often overlook when observing a couple with asymmetrical sexual dynamics is the imbalance in opportunity and capacity and how this affects compromise and each partner's mindset.

Not to sound cruel, but a man with a 3" erect penis and a premature ejaculation problem will be unlikely to find sexual opportunities outside of the marriage and will struggle to satisfy a wife that desires PIV sex. Yes, that is a thing and no he cannot fully compensate with a talented tongue (at least not for all women). That is his reality. Meanwhile the wife's reality is that she could avail herself of many sexual opportunities outside the marriage.

In any given aspect of marriage we make sacrifices for our partner. In a healthy marriage it isn't always just one person making the sacrifice and who should make the sacrifice in any given situation varies and is unique to the couple.

Why should the wife in this example be compelled to have an unsatisfying sex life rather than her husband accepting his shortcomings and supporting her in finding sexual fulfillment outside the marriage. There is no valid reason why either should necessarily be the one to make the sacrifice. That is up to the individual couple. Him forfeiting sexual exclusivity is just as valid of a compromise as is her forfeiting sexual fulfillment. And just because HottieOlwen has noted that her husband is the one who chose to support her in the sexual realm, doesn't mean that she doesn't support him in many other aspects of their relationship. Those other areas just weren't the main point of discussion.

Meanwhile within the hotwife/cuckold dynamic it is often the case that the cuckold is drawn to the kinkier side of things. He accepts the role that a man with a 3" cock and a PE problem plays in sexual dynamics (frankly that is healthier than hanging on to the delusion that he could be a sexual dynamo if he just tried hard enough) and he becomes engaged in fetish activities. For such a man being cock locked, milked and denied is part of that fetish which he may choose to embrace. That should not be confused with a wife foisting those things on an unwilling man.

 

[yowser]

From one of my stories (a couple married bi-dads with some conflicts to work out):

This whole marriage thing is one tricky business, I tell you. Monogamy has more wrinkles than a cerebral cortex.

 

[Britva415]

a man with a 3" erect penis and a premature ejaculation problem will be unlikely to find sexual opportunities outside of the marriage

Not with that attitude!

No, seriously though, all joking aside:

Your conclusion doesn't follow, depending on what you mean by "opportunities." This man has exactly the same opportunities to meet and hook up with women as another man whose dick size and coital stamina isn't known until they do it.

If this man is recognized ahead of time as being a tiny-dick two-pump-chump, it's because he gave it away (it really is about attitude, there was truth in the joke.) Probably as the result of his own past and present insecurity.

I think most people know that attractive "big dick energy" isn't actually about dick size.

Of course you're right that some women might not elect a second (or fiftieth) romp once they do discover the dick's not big and the fuck is short, so maybe that's what you mean by "opportunities?" Or maybe you have the idea that such a guy is obligated to disclose ahead of time, like we expect of people with, say, herpes?

 

[policywank]

Not with that attitude!

No, seriously though, all joking aside:

Your conclusion doesn't follow, depending on what you mean by "opportunities." This man has exactly the same opportunities to meet and hook up with women as another man whose dick size and coital stamina isn't known until they do it.

If this man is recognized ahead of time as being a tiny-dick two-pump-chump, it's because he gave it away (it really is about attitude, there was truth in the joke.) Probably as the result of his own past and present insecurity.

I think most people know that attractive "big dick energy" isn't actually about dick size.

Of course you're right that some women might not elect a second (or fiftieth) romp once they do discover the dick's not big and the fuck is short, so maybe that's what you mean by "opportunities?" Or maybe you have the idea that such a guy is obligated to disclose ahead of time, like we expect of people with, say, herpes?

Lol, no I don't think he owes anybody advance notice. And you are correct that all other things being equal he will get as many first opportunities as any other guy (although not as many as a woman). But he won't get as many follow-up opportunities so his aggregate opportunities will still be less than other men.

But even if he doesn't telegraph his shortcomings in advance he will know what the likely outcome is going to be. As such he may choose to avoid that experience and it is reasonable that he might be somewhat insecure if that is a projection of realism.

If you are the water boy and you somehow talk your way into the starting QB position on a false pretense, you know that you are about to be found out. To the extent that your inner voice is telling you that you aren't up to the task because you can't even throw a ball, I suppose that is insecurity but it is grounded in reality.

To be clear, I am not saying guys with little dicks should be insecure about it any more than the water boy should be insecure about that. Either of those characters should hold their head high and find the friends, companions and lovers that love them for what they are. But that is not the same as pretending you are a hung stud or a great QB when it obviously isn't true.

So, it is fine to say go after what you want. But if you can't throw the ball you have to know that you are going to go out there and get creamed. Any rationale person will factor that into the decision of what they pursue.

 

[magic_rat]

Thank you. I make no judgements. This was just a topic I was curious about. I firmly believe that when couples are open and honest about their feelings, desires, and needs they are much happier.

Amen. Forget every other post on this thread, this is the rule we should all live by.

My partner and I are totally open about everything, which is why we chose not to be monogamous.

 

[magic_rat]

"Treating each other like dirt"? "Abusing and betraying"?

Cheating is abuse and betrayal.

I know, I've done it. I fucked somebody up, I fucked myself up and I fucked my marriage up because I wasn't mature enough to either maintain a monogamous relationship or leave it.

I still like to fuck around but I have a partner who enjoys the same. No need to lie.

 

[Escierto]

Cheating is abuse and betrayal.

I know, I've done it. I fucked somebody up, I fucked myself up and I fucked my marriage up because I wasn't mature enough to either maintain a monogamous relationship or leave it.

I still like to fuck around but I have a partner who enjoys the same. No need to lie.

As I said in my post I believe that there are worse things than cheating. My ex drove her first husband to commit suicide.

[Content removed by moderator]

 

[Kraken_96]

Well I came in with some fun to talk about...but yeah...this is a bit of a yikes time

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Yeah supposed to be a fun topic but I think Escierto has some issues!

Seems like his answer to everything in life is think yourself lucky you're not dead.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

Very cool conversation!

I don't think I'm "hard wired" for monogamy, nor do I think it's genetic, but I can't ever see myself in a poly relationship. My husband is the same way. I honestly believe that he would divorce me if I suggested an open relationship.

I grew up in a Judeo-Christian society where one-man + plus-one woman = marriage. No exceptions.

I've only known of three couples who experimented with swinging in the early 00s, but all three eventually stopped (they're all still married). When word got out that these couples were swinging, it really affected their personal relationships. They lost friends. Even after all these years, some people have been hesitant to let them back into certain social circles. It's fucked up.

My family and their friends turning on people they were close with scared me as a pre-teen (11/12) - I didn't want to do anything that would cause my parents/family/friends to quit talking to me. I grew up believing that a poly lifestyle was abhorrent.

I've since gotten over it. While a poly lifestyle isn't for me, I respect and understand that it works beautifully for others and that it's none of my goddamn business who other people chose to go to bed with. If a friend ever invites me and my husband to a swinger party, we'll politely decline, but we'll stay friends with them.

I'm also one of those really annoying women who can't separate sex and emotions. I've never had to be "in love" to enjoy sex with a guy, but I had to at least like him as a person. And I bet that I would fall in love with any guy who could make me cum on a regular basis lol. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.

I do think that poly relationships will become more common as our society becomes more liberal and if that leads to overall greater societal happiness and well-being, I'm all for it.

 

[Dalelaw2164]

My point exactly you stupid motherfucker. Go eat shit and die

Rock on, Escierto!
I have gained some good insight from your posts over the past year or so, and I’m thankful there are lots of open minded non judgmental people like you on here.

 

[jehoram]

I've only known of three couples who experimented with swinging in the early 00s, but all three eventually stopped (they're all still married). When word got out that these couples were swinging, it really affected their personal relationships. They lost friends. Even after all these years, some people have been hesitant to let them back into certain social circles. It's fucked up.

It seems that the problem is not with the couples, but with their friends. I'm not saying that all these friends should fuck off and let let the couples live their lives the way way they want. We do live in worlds where we should accept friends for who they are, regardless of their biases.

But if the friends have problems with the couple's decision to have an open marriage, it might be worth evaluating why these people are their friends. Are these friends so rigid in their own moral code that they try to enforce it on other people, or at least use that deviation to justify their own displeasure with it?

I guess you should just have to put these things in the balance. In my life, I've gone through changes in ethics, religious views, and political views. I've gained and lost friends as a result, not through any desire to kick them out of my life but because they've decided that I can no longer be their friend. I mourn the loss of that friendship, but I don't feel obliged to change my own views to suit theirs.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

It seems that the problem is not with the couples, but with their friends. I'm not saying that all these friends should fuck off and let let the couples live their lives the way way they want. We do live in worlds where we should accept friends for who they are, regardless of their biases.

But if the friends have problems with the couple's decision to have an open marriage, it might be worth evaluating why these people are their friends. Are these friends so rigid in their own moral code that they try to enforce it on other people, or at least use that deviation to justify their own displeasure with it?

I guess you should just have to put these things in the balance. In my life, I've gone through changes in ethics, religious views, and political views. I've gained and lost friends as a result, not through any desire to kick them out of my life but because they've decided that I can no longer be their friend. I mourn the loss of that friendship, but I don't feel obliged to change my own views to suit theirs.

I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying that it scared me as a child to see an adult do something that had major social consequences. As a child, I didn't have the adult reasoning skills necessary to deduce that my loved ones were the people in the wrong.

As an adult, I don't think a poly lifestyle is possible for me. Maybe that is partially because I was conditioned for monogamy by family and society as a young, impressionable child. But monogamy works for me, so have no compulsion to explore a polyamourous (my phone does not know how to spell this word, and I don't either. Sorry if it's wrong.) lifestyle.

 

[Britva415]

there are worse things than cheating

therefore cheating can't be bad?

 

[write_or_wrong]

With all due respect, inka2222 you either haven't read my post properly, or you are just being provocative. Richard is not my provider. I am a professional woman in my vanilla life, and I contribute 100% to our combined bank account, as does my cuckold. What is good for Richard, and I know this because he's told me on many occasions, is that he witnesses me being fucked whilst being denied himself. Richard does not do ALL the work. We share housework, although he does the ironing, because he's better at it than I am! We share the preparation and cooking if meals.

Do you know what? I don't know why I'm trying to justify our lifestyle to you. We both love it, and wouldn't change it for all the tea in China. If you can't cope with that, it's your problem, not ours.

What you and your husband have sounds totally consensual and equally desirable by both parties. What's not to like?

 

[HottieOlwen]

Thank you. At last, someone who acknowledges that there is room for all sorts in this world of multiple fetishes that we all enjoy.

 

[AnnyMouse28]

Just have to say cheating is very different than non-monogamy.

 

[HottieOlwen]

Just have to say cheating is very different than non-monogamy.

Agreed. What I do is not cheating. My cuckold knows and approves of everything in our mutually chosen lifestyle.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

therefore cheating can't be bad?

There's worse things than rape. But at least we can put a positive spin on it.