Threesome

[karndav]

"As far as guarding him, yeah thats exactly what I'm doing. But he told me to. he said to watch him like a hawk until I knew and feet comfortable with the fact that he wouldn't do this to me again. i told him i couldn't go thru it again, i couldn't be lied to again."

At first it was to help him stay off. he admitted he was addicted to it and my priest told me alot of men get addicted to the internet chatting. now he tells me that he has no desire to chat (HMMM....) and that I should just keep watching him till I know that for myself.

 

[M's girl]

At first it was to help him stay off. He admitted he was addicted to it and my priest told me alot of men get addicted to the internet chatting. Now he tells me that he has no desire to chat (HMMM....) and that I should just keep watching him till I know that for myself.

If that last part is true... I guess he's right. But it still doesn't get him off the hook as far as his responsiility to show you his honest intentions etc. You know what I mean? I'm sure you do....

 

[karndav]

I know exactly what you mean, really I do and I think he thinks he's showing me by having me watch him. He told me to check his phone, which I don't i won't stoop that low, check his emails again I don't, but i do make sure he's not online.

he really is a good guy, He has some major faults I know that, believe me!! LOL!! But he does love me, he takes care of me, he loves our children, I could go on.

I know this is a HUGE issue, thats why i turned to you guys here. I needed someone to tlak to. Can't exactly bring it up to mom now can i? The trust issue is one that has to be dealt with and I am trying again to trust him. I have trusted so many times before I sometimes think i walk around with this big sign on my back that says sucker!! I have a friend who tells me I am very niave (spelling) she doesn't know about this, but in other things, she says I trust to quickly, then tend to get hurt. That i let people walk all over me and it used to piss her off when she saw it happening.

I'm trying now to keep my eyes wide open and be more wary, but thats just not me. I tend to believe in the good of people, that they say what they mean and mean what they say and i kinda don't want to lose that part of me and become cynical of the world.

 

[M's girl]

Hi Karen,

That last post sounds good. As long as you're aware of what situation you are in... Yes, you have to work on getting things better and it's not at all a caracterflaw if you are a trusting soul... more people should be like that and the world would be a better place. But beware not to be too trustful at your own expense. That's just what we're all trying to say.

I know what you mean about wanting to share this with someone that has some distance from you. Of course this is not something to share with your mum, haha, she would be the last person to understand and haunt you with this forever, even when the two of you have long left this behind you. That is why LIT is so great and I love how people are also willing to talk and advice on relationship issues, although most of the time they are related to a sex-issue. But that is natural.

I'm wondering if you have made up your mind already. I can also understand if you're shy to share that with us because we have been very critical, which must have sounded like judgemental to you at times. But we don't know you, not really so it was not a personal attack, you must know that. We are only commenting on what you were willing to share with us, and that was quite a lot.

Oh yes, one more thing. You will see that the only thing that will make you stronger and make you feel good about yourself is when you allow yourself to take a stand and put your foot down. Not to overrule him or anything, merely to show yourself that you know what YOU want and then stick to your beliefs. It will be hard at the beginning and maybe feel uncomfortable but that will soon change and you will feel powerful and balanced. Trust me.

I wish you all the best and hope you and Dave can work this out...
M's girl

 

[karndav]

I truly haven't made up my mind yet. At the beginning I was pretty sure I would go thru with it but you have all given me somethings to think about and more to discuss with him. And i think even he has reservations because he mentioned the other night what would happen if after we had this threesome and then he was mad at himself for sharing me and then he took it out on me and he doesn't want to do that so we really are still discussing it and I am taking into consideration everything you all have said.

I am so glad I have found a place where I can share this and people still care enough about people in general to want to help them.

 

[M's girl]

I truly haven't made up my mind yet. At the beginning I was pretty sure I would go thru with it but you have all given me somethings to think about and more to discuss with him. And i think even he has reservations because he mentioned the other night what would happen if after we had this threesome and then he was mad at himself for sharing me and then he took it out on me and he doesn't want to do that so we really are still discussing it and I am taking into consideration everything you all have said.

I am so glad I have found a place where I can share this and people still care enough about people in general to want to help them.

Sounds good to me....

 

[SweetErika]

I truly haven't made up my mind yet. At the beginning I was pretty sure I would go thru with it but you have all given me somethings to think about and more to discuss with him. And i think even he has reservations because he mentioned the other night what would happen if after we had this threesome and then he was mad at himself for sharing me and then he took it out on me and he doesn't want to do that so we really are still discussing it and I am taking into consideration everything you all have said.

I am so glad I have found a place where I can share this and people still care enough about people in general to want to help them.

Karen, any reservations like that are reason enough to say no at this time. I'm curious as to why he would even consider a threesome, and why he might even think he'd take any anger out on you. What's worth discussing is not whether you're going to do it, but rather what the true underlying motivations are. I'm not saying he's a conniving snake, but there has to be something beyond sexual gratification and you wanting to please him.

From my standpoint, you two have an excellent opportunity to explore yourselves, share, communicate, and grow stronger by delving deep. So the journey of thinking, talking, and not acting could do a heck of a lot more for you than the destination of saying 'yes' to bringing another into your bed.

 

[karndav]

I really think i am giving the wrong impression of my husband here. he isn't as bad as he has been coming across. I have always been a pleaser thinking of his pleasure first, just my nature, but he does reciprocate. But there were times in our relationship when I was so focused on our son that i didn't focus on him and our marriage and I know thats not a good excuse for him to have turned away from me and he doesn't use it as one, I do. But lately he has been completely open and honest with me about everything. We are better than we have ever been, talking more and my focus is back on him, where it should of been in the first place, and my children while very important should not of become my whole life.

 

[adoggie42]

Male Point of View

Next door neighbor brought his wife over to me one night to share. We had known each other for a few weeks. Had cookouts together. Pal'd around first. He wanted to share because he was on the road a lot and she needed satisfying. We had many 3somes and there were many night and days when she and I were alone together. Lasted about 6 months.

I still remember her (them) 32 years later. I have many fond memories and still get really hot just thinking about it.

...shared my wife with several men...together, seperately...

Jealousy was never an issue. Yes, it scared the crap out of me at first. Sharing her and having her come home with me was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. We both needed lots of sex and this took the edge off of us so we could think about each other and the kid when we were together.

 

[SweetErika]

I really think i am giving the wrong impression of my husband here. he isn't as bad as he has been coming across. I have always been a pleaser thinking of his pleasure first, just my nature, but he does reciprocate. But there were times in our relationship when I was so focused on our son that i didn't focus on him and our marriage and I know thats not a good excuse for him to have turned away from me and he doesn't use it as one, I do. But lately he has been completely open and honest with me about everything. We are better than we have ever been, talking more and my focus is back on him, where it should of been in the first place, and my children while very important should not of become my whole life.

I don't think you're giving the wrong impression, at least not to me. It sounds like he's a guy who loves you and his family, has made mistakes, didn't learn from them, and is trying to rectify that now. I believe you when you say he reciprocates...as long as it's not a massively one-sided, abusive relationship (doesn't sound like that at all), your opinion/satisfaction is what counts.

My perspective is simply that this is a very complex issue...it's not merely about sex for either of you. I've often found things like this to have underlying thoughts and feelings in my own life...sometimes they're buried so deeply that it takes a ton of time and effort to really get to them, but it's always worth it. As I've said, my husband and I have opened our marriage to some extent. We had NO trust issues or a history of problems, and still found a lot of buried issues to think about and discuss. Had we not looked at all of the possible motivations and really communicated, we wouldn't have been able to make a good decision, and I think we'd both feel doubt and guilt. I don't want you to feel that.

I'm just suggesting you both shelf this decision for now and do some hard looking because it will continue to strengthen your relationship. So, I guess when you see my posts, I hope you'll consider that I'm not anti-Dave at all, I'm pro-you and your relationship.

 

[karndav]

.

I'm just suggesting you both shelf this decision for now and do some hard looking because it will continue to strengthen your relationship. So, I guess when you see my posts, I hope you'll consider that I'm not anti-Dave at all, I'm pro-you and your relationship. [/QUOTE]

Thank you! It was starting to feel like every one was thinking Dave was taking advantage of me and that's really not the case at all. We have been discussing everything in detail and are not making any rash decisions on this issue.

I know I still have some trust issues with him that i desperately want to get past...I hate this feeling. We are working on all aspects of our relationship and we will get thru this as we have gotten thru everything.

 

[M's girl]

I'm just suggesting you both shelf this decision for now and do some hard looking because it will continue to strengthen your relationship. So, I guess when you see my posts, I hope you'll consider that I'm not anti-Dave at all, I'm pro-you and your relationship.

That's what I was thinking. And Karen, same goes for me; I was not anti-Dave, just more pro-Karen, since I thought you were not thinking about your well being and was not sure Dave was putting the well being of you AND your relationship FIRST. That's all.

 

[karndav]

Your both right! i don't put my well being first. My first thought is always DAVE, DAVE, DAVE! how can i make him happier, how can I keep him inteested, How can i keep things lively and spicey. I guess Ishould stop reading all those magazines that suggest it is up to the woman to do these things huh? LOL!!

I have never put me first, not in anyhting, not with my kids, not with myhusband not with my friends, My girlfirend told me O must of had a big sign on my forehead that read walk on me!! And sometimes I think it is sill there although I working on tearing it down.

i know happiness has to come from within. learned this thru years of therapy. i just have to make what my head know and teach it to my heart.

 

[M's girl]

My girlfirend told me I must have had a big sign on my forehead that read walk on me!! And sometimes I think it is sill there although I working on tearing it down.

If the sign won't come off just cover it with a new one! New people will regard you for that and Dave..... Dave will know you're soooooo done with the old sign! If he's as nice as you say he is (and I believe you) he will even help you paint, varnish, highlight and having your new sign put up where everyone can see it!

 

[karndav]

he is as nice as i say he is. he want this all to work out for us and doesn't want to push me into anything i don't want. Just tonight he told me he thinks i only do things to please him and he doesn't want that, he wants me to do it bcasue i want to for me.

 

[M's girl]

he is as nice as i say he is. he want this all to work out for us and doesn't want to push me into anything i don't want. Just tonight he told me he thinks i only do things to please him and he doesn't want that, he wants me to do it bcasue i want to for me.

That is the right attitude! If you make it go both ways you will automatically find the balance.

 

[kinky shy girl]

this has been a very interesting thread. i've had similar discussions w/ my long term boyfriend. when we first started dating, i knew he had been involved in a few 3somes in the past. it didn't bother me, but i wanted to try it because i wanted to be the "cool" girlfriend. we talked about it a few times, but we never acted on it. he always felt bad because he thought i was doing it just to please him.

4+ years later, we talk about swinging/threesomes once in a while. i know he enjoyed his past adventures, and i never wanted him to feel like he's missing out. also, i didn't want him to think our sex life was boring. he assures me that our sex life is fine w/o that kind of stuff, but still i wonder.

everytime i mention it he just says, "it's up to you." he neither encourages nor discourages it. he's openminded but is probably worried about how i will feel. we've talked about the possibility of visiting those sex clubs to get our (mostly my) feet wet, but we haven't actually gone to any. i'm still not 100% sure about it, so we're perpetually in the thinking-about-it stage.

anyway sorry this is so long. just wanted to say good luck w/ whatever decision you make.

 

[karndav]

so we're perpetually in the thinking-about-it stage.

Thats probably where we'll stay! LOL!! Who know's. This thread has given me alot to think about. We were supposed to meet the other guy for a no expectations kinda get together just to get aquainted but we couldn't get our schedules cooridinated so maybe is was all supposed to work that way!!

 

[phoenix1224]

he is as nice as i say he is. he want this all to work out for us and doesn't want to push me into anything i don't want. Just tonight he told me he thinks i only do things to please him and he doesn't want that, he wants me to do it bcasue i want to for me.

I really hate to play the devil's advocate here, but...

He COULD just be trying to manipulate you.

He could have told you that you could monitor his activities as a sort of reverse psychology tactic... Hoping that you would then think "ok, he's not doing it anymore" and then decide to NOT monitor his activities... Same goes for his comments about you doing things just to please him.

He's already broken your trust ONCE. So, I would suggest that you keep the old Chinese proverb in the back of your mind: "Fool me ONCE, shame on YOU. Fool me TWICE, shame on ME."

 

[M's girl]

I really hate to play the devil's advocate here, but...

He COULD just be trying to manipulate you.

He could have told you that you could monitor his activities as a sort of reverse psychology tactic... Hoping that you would then think "ok, he's not doing it anymore" and then decide to NOT monitor his activities... Same goes for his comments about you doing things just to please him.

He's already broken your trust ONCE. So, I would suggest that you keep the old Chinese proverb in the back of your mind: "Fool me ONCE, shame on YOU. Fool me TWICE, shame on ME."

Maybe this is for Karen to answer, but you are right to warn her. I think also all replies together will help her make up her mind... form an opinion. I must say I was thinking something along those lines as well. I didn't say because I have been very critical already so far. But you are right. Needs to be considered.

I once had a relationship with a manipulator and I was fooled not once, not twice but many times. What does that make me? I still wonder....

 

[phoenix1224]

I once had a relationship with a manipulator and I was fooled not once, not twice but many times. What does that make me? I still wonder....

*starts singing*

"Everybody plays the fool..."

 

[M's girl]

*starts singing*

"Everybody plays the fool..."

Oh... help me out here! It's on the tip of my tongue....
What was that again...?

 

[karndav]

if i was totally honest here he has fooled me more than once, twice, three times, if you had read my is this cheating thread I kinda mentioned it there but didn't bring it up here cause it really makes me look foolish. But this time I am keeping my eyes open. I know, I know bring on the comments, I have been so stupid here nad have thought mroe than once about the poosibility hat he is manipulating and even went into his work email when he brought home his laptop. (damn it was hard to find that password!) but there was nothing there when i know before he has emailed from there before. I won't be fooled this time, but through it all, as foolish as it may be, i still love him. Can't explain it! It is what it is!

 

[midwestyankee]

if i was totally honest here he has fooled me more than once, twice, three times, if you had read my is this cheating thread I kinda mentioned it there but didn't bring it up here cause it really makes me look foolish. But this time I am keeping my eyes open. I know, I know bring on the comments, I have been so stupid here nad have thought mroe than once about the poosibility hat he is manipulating and even went into his work email when he brought home his laptop. (damn it was hard to find that password!) but there was nothing there when i know before he has emailed from there before. I won't be fooled this time, but through it all, as foolish as it may be, i still love him. Can't explain it! It is what it is!

We love who we love and we can't help that. But building a strong relationship takes more than love; it takes dedication and effort that is born from love. It sounds to me as if you might not be getting as much dedication and effort from him as you are putting in, but that could just be a matter of the limited perspective we get here from reading only your posts.

 

[karndav]

It is hard to give a true and accurate picture of our whole relationship from writing a few words here. I keeping thinking I have made him sound terible and haven't talked about his good points of which thee are many. How he helped me from a bad relationship, how he makes me feel safe, how he holds me at nigth when the demons come creeping back, how's been the one to help me through the depressions, how he has never blamed me for our son's problems when I blame myself. I could go on. i know i give alot here, maybe too much and he knows it and recognizes it before i do myself.