Traits of a Submissive ...

[HappyToBeAlive]

Even if it's not about the dom leaving, many subs need the safety of the routine. About a year ago i had a LDR where we chatted every morning, starting at the same time. The safety of that routine was massively important.

Not knowing when something happens easily gets me in a limbo where I get nothing done while waiting. But the certainly... Well it may just be the thing that has me sticking to a healthy schedule.

I second this!

 

[wallstreetguy]

Not necessarily, I think. In my experience, part of having that good and trusting relationship is the consistency and assurance that a dom wouldn't just up and leave. Even if Doms don't message in the morning, the most worrying part to some Subs would just be whether they're alright.

That said, anticipation could be part of play should that be what you prefer as a pair!

Interesting perspective.

 

[IrisAlthea]

If your sub does not wake up every morning wondering when you will say hello, you are not doing it right.

Not necessarily, I think. In my experience, part of having that good and trusting relationship is the consistency and assurance that a dom wouldn't just up and leave. Even if Doms don't message in the morning, the most worrying part to some Subs would just be whether they're alright.

I think there is a world of difference between wondering when someone will get in touch and even if they will do so today on one hand and if they will ever get in touch on the other hand.

Even if it's not about the dom leaving, many subs need the safety of the routine. About a year ago i had a LDR where we chatted every morning, starting at the same time. The safety of that routine was massively important.

Not knowing when something happens easily gets me in a limbo where I get nothing done while waiting. But the certainly... Well it may just be the thing that has me sticking to a healthy schedule.

I think that is where the matter of taste and way of life. Important things to figure out in any relationship.

 

[Strixaluco]

I think that is where the matter of taste and way of life. Important things to figure out in any relationship.

It goes much deeper than that - taste an
D way of life aren't reasons but just the visible result of something bigger. Not all people deal well with uncertainty or irregularity.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It goes much deeper than that - taste an
D way of life aren't reasons but just the visible result of something bigger. Not all people deal well with uncertainty or irregularity.

I’m not sure what you mean?
Do you mean that there are reasons behind ourtastes and choice of lifestyle?

 

[Strixaluco]

I’m not sure what you mean?
Do you mean that there are reasons behind ourtastes and choice of lifestyle?

Isn't that a shocking thought?

Yes. I definitely mean that, especially in this regard many have reasons. And reasons that affect even if it doesn't show up in lifestyle. Like me, my life may seem very irregular to you and like I could handle irregular communication from my Dom, but it is precisely the reason why I need regularity from my Dom or Daddy.

The other reason being insecurity, of course. Many subs are insecure.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

All my D/s dynamics have been long distance.
As a submissive myself, I'm pretty passive in the dynamic...
Insecure for sure, because what if I'm not doing a great job pleasing my DD?
Does he have other subs?
I try to do as the DD asks, I get joy from doing the tasks or whatnot he asks of me..

I don't bombard him with messages if I don't hear from him because I let him control the dynamic.
Whereas, lately, I overthink., "Will I hear from him today?"

 

[Strixaluco]

I don't bombard him with messages if I don't hear from him because I let him control the dynamic.

Me neither, as I know my Dom isn't used to constant communication, it's really not in him. Meaning I don't have to worry about it, but I'd actually prefer a lot more myself. I've asked him to always send me a goodnight message though, and he does.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Isn't that a shocking thought?

Not really, no. I think there are reasons behind a lot of stuff, most actually.
My post was in no way intended to be a negation of what you wrote - I quoted it because I found those 3 quotes interesting seen together and that was what made me post.

Not sure if the reasons make a lot of difference, when we try to figure out if we are compatible.
Sometimes I think they make us try to be something we are not.

Yes. I definitely mean that, especially in this regard many have reasons. And reasons that affect even if it doesn't show up in lifestyle. Like me, my life may seem very irregular to you and like I could handle irregular communication from my Dom, but it is precisely the reason why I need regularity from my Dom or Daddy.

Oh absolutely - even though there are reasons behind what people want, it’s hardly a linear, predictable cause and effect.

And when I mentioned way of life I was thinking more of the practical considerations. Depending on work and other obligations, that kind of regularity might be an impossible thing to achieve.

The other reason being insecurity, of course. Many subs are insecure.

The relationship between submissivenrss and insecurity and between the need for control and insecurity, would make an interesting thread.

 

[Strixaluco]

Not really, no. I think there are reasons behind a lot of stuff, most actually.
My post was in no way intended to be a negation of what you wrote - I quoted it because I found those 3 quotes interesting seen together and that was what made me post.

Sorry, that was my meager attempt to be funny. I didn't really assume you were negating, your question felt rather neutral. (Especially as I've seen your actions here in Lit somewhat.)

Not sure if the reasons make a lot of difference, when we try to figure out if we are compatible.
Sometimes I think they make us try to be something we are not.

I think it may make a difference. A lifestyle may depend on a number of things, and some of those are negotiable, adjustable, some are not.

I mean, work defines a lot of my everyday life and when I meet my Dom atm, but I can even imagine a situation where I'd stop working with certain arrangements if the Dom so wanted (I might even want it myself - it's mostly abort financial security and livelihood anyway). Heck, I even know of a sub who's about to move after her expat Dom/fiancee and do just that for at least a year or two! But for some working is non-negotiable, necessary for mental health.

And some of my own lifestyle choices are due to health issues and pretty much non-negotiable as such, even to myself as I've learned them the hard way. Yet some others might ne changeable over time with help.

The relationship between submissivenrss and insecurity and between the need for control and insecurity, would make an interesting thread.

I totally agree!

 

[IrisAlthea]

I think it may make a difference. A lifestyle may depend on a number of things, and some of those are negotiable, adjustable, some are not.

Yes, I just thought about a situation I see unfold in my social circle, where I think someone might be trying to negotiate and adjust to some things that might be in the latter category for them, because the reasons for the needs of the other person are…very easy to empathise with.

It can be tempting at times, to try to fit that square hole even if you are a quite different shape and can’t fill it at all.

I mean, work defines a lot of my everyday life and when I meet my Dom atm, but I can even imagine a situation where I'd stop working with certain arrangements if the Dom so wanted (I might even want it myself - it's mostly abort financial security and livelihood anyway). Heck, I even know of a sub who's about to move after her expat Dom/fiancee and do just that for at least a year or two! But for some working is non-negotiable, necessary for mental health.

Yes, sometimes things are not as unchanging as we think.
I’m one of those who used to think that I would have a hard time not working but I was at home for around a year with each kid and realized I could easily have stayed at home and when it looked like my husband would have to move for work, I realized that I would have been ok with going along and not working.

Other times we might want things to be negotiable, but there might be dependants or other financial obligations or relationships that make it very hard to adjust the way we’d like.

 

[Strixaluco]

Yes, I just thought about a situation I see unfold in my social circle, where I think someone might be trying to negotiate and adjust to some things that might be in the latter category for them, because the reasons for the needs of the other person are…very easy to empathise with.

It can be tempting at times, to try to fit that square hole even if you are a quite different shape and can’t fill it at all.

That's definitely true, whether vanilla or D/s relationships. It's probably more often that one does it oneself than the other pressuring to do so. One may do it without realising it. I only found my own shape last year - no wonder I didn't quite fit in the previous holes! And I'm still not totally sure about all my fluttering parts.

Unfortunately many people know their own "shape" even worse than I did. I got at least most of myself right even earlier. And too many don't believe themselves and take seriously what they know is good for them.

Other times we might want things to be negotiable, but there might be dependants or other financial obligations or relationships that make it very hard to adjust the way we’d like.

Negotiability definitely does not mean it's also easy to arrange or likely to find. Which is why in reality I don't expect anyone ever to take care of me financially (unfortunately, as my own working ability is unsure at best) - it's difficult to do that around here, and my beloved D especially won't ever be able to do that. (But as I just said today to someone, I rather choose a good and comparible than rich partner, haven't ever come across anyone that's both - a couple good well-todo ones yes, but they weren't compatible.) But then what the heck, miracles do happen at times - I might win the lottery

 

[Giftboy]

I sometimes throw caution to the wind and go down a steep slope with a Mistress or Master, whom I rescind all my self-control to. Yes, it’s dangerous, but I like the rush such dangerous situations give me. I can willingly give up all my internal, moral and emotional power and control to another who manifests, in my subjective opinion, a power, a charisma, a sexual deviance that challenges my borders, my parameter, my self understanding. Yes, it has caused me emotional and physical pain, but I can accept that as consequence of the journey I took with the other. I am able to adjust my world view as I experience, what some think, is ‘beyond the pale.’

 

[sterculius]

I suspect that it's different in each case. My first sexual relationship was as my best friend Larry's personal cocksucker. Larry was almost 2 years younger than me, and we had been best friends for years. At some point, we decided to jerk off together, but when I saw his erect cock for the first time, I was amazed!! It was HUGE! Much bigger than my small penis. It was obvious to us both that he was my sexual superior. From the first, he wanted to dominate me and I was willing to let him. I volunteered to suck his cock, establishing the pattern for our relationship. I loved letting him order me around. I'm only submissive sexually, in all other regards, I'm very independent

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I am a business owner, former corporate manager, married to an enfemme AMAB.
I have to be the thought leader and initiator in my daily life.

Meeting an alpha male, a Dom from head to toe was the best thing in my life.

Our relationship morphed from pen pals with similar kinks to full on submission with blindfold and cuffed to the bed.

It was a choice to give him that control and we both knew that one word or negative response would mean all permission was revoked immediately.

As the sub, I am not a doormat but rather the one in control.

I set the boundaries. I establish all limits. I have sole control over when it ends.

My Dom is my best friend. Mutual respect, compassion, and joy.

When you meet the right Dom, you will know it by the feeling of ultimate respect and love.

 

[thomas1965]

I am curious because I've been exploring bdsm and the Power Exchange of D/s, and everything I have come to learn is that submission has various facets. A submissive person is someone who willingly submits to the authority of another. A submissive person enjoys being in a service-oriented mindset and finds peace of mind in taking orders from those he or she has placed in positions of power. This can be at home, in the workplace, among friends or in community relationships.

Healthy submissive relationships are conscious and consensual. In other words, one party has agreed to hold more power of one kind or another. The other party has agreed to submit. It is agreed upon by the individuals...

.

Very well said.

 

[Ashesh9]

I am a business owner, former corporate manager, married to an enfemme AMAB.
I have to be the thought leader and initiator in my daily life.

Meeting an alpha male, a Dom from head to toe was the best thing in my life.

Our relationship morphed from pen pals with similar kinks to full on submission with blindfold and cuffed to the bed.

It was a choice to give him that control and we both knew that one word or negative response would mean all permission was revoked immediately.

As the sub, I am not a doormat but rather the one in control.

I set the boundaries. I establish all limits. I have sole control over when it ends.

My Dom is my best friend. Mutual respect, compassion, and joy.

When you meet the right Dom, you will know it by the feeling of ultimate respect and love.

In your case Topping from the Bottom has led both of U to Erotic Bliss/ Nirvana!!!!

 

[Cardinal]

Fuck, no!

Whoops. My apologies. That came out a little more crasser than intended.

However, I stand by the sentiment.

A submissive is not essentially (or in any other way) a doormat unless they chose to be. Nor is there any requirement that the submissive must tolerate poor behavior they do not consent to. And finally, there is no instant trust and immediately kneel to kiss the ring.

Look, I've been heading down this gravel road (quite a bit of it on my face) for decades now. And I have held the submission of probably far more than all this fabulousness in my mirror warranted. Not least my wife/little/slave/submissive/best friend of two and a half decades until her death.

Is there a kernel of hardcore believers hiding 'neath the umbrella of BDSM? Certainly. Always has been. At least as far back as I've been in the game and even earlier based on my research. On both sides of the slash, believe it or not.

There is a reason us old fogies talk about SSC and RACK so damn much. Because the core of the system we believe is consent. Without it, there is nothing but abuse. And the worst abuses leave no physical marks.

IF the submissive believes and consents to automatically trust and follow someone who claims a Title, then it is not for me to say they are wrong to do so. If, on the other hand, the one who claims A Title then uses psychological warfare to wear down the will of a non-consenting submissive, then I firmly believe they are in the wrong.

Emotional blackmail is emotional blackmail, whether it is wrapped up and trimmed with the bow of BDSM or not and is never okay.

As for tolerating poor behavior... this can get a bit "iffy" from time to time. If the submissive does not clearly delineate it as part of their limits, then it is not fair to expect the uphill side of the slash to know it. Some of us are better than others at recognizing things not said, but it is a fool's errand to assume anything of the sort. When it is a clearly defined limit... it doesn't matter if it's a limit they don't agree with. It doesn't matter if it's a limit someone else might think is silly. It doesn't matter if no physical harm could come from violating such a limit. It is still a limit and is to be respected. Period.

So, where the Hell does this sort of belief system come from?

Some will say from PornHub, but I disagree. It's been around much longer.

Some will cite "toxic masculinity." But, I've seen it from the female Dominants as well. (And I know a few who reject Domme or Dominatrix, and will tell you in a hurry that they are Dominant or Dom.)

However... I'm not exactly sure I can completely agree that all healthy relationships are conscious and consensual.

As I mentioned earlier, I've been various D-types to sundry submissives over the decades. Depending on who is asked, I tend to be either a Master with Daddy tendencies or a Daddy with Master tendencies. This is not a hat or shoes I put on and slip off, but just a basic tenant of my personality. And it... bleeds out. Into every interaction eventually.

Similarly, I have associated with s-types who it is just as fixed, just as firmly ingrained in them to be submissive when a Dominant resonates.

And as a result, I admit I have looked up and realized that I've slid unwittingly into a platonic form with... well, I'm ashamed to admit I've completely lost count. I try not to do that. But, especially when a submissive resonates with me...

Well. Any road, I think I addressed this in a thread by Seela a couple of years ago on accidental submission. But, the root of my response was that when one or the other realizes that the relationship is tending that way, when they become conscious of it, they certainly should verify consent.

And it's probably time I shut the Puck... er, that is, I stop typing and let someone else have the floor.

May the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow than yesterday.

Wow! Well done