Vanilla in RL and Submissive at night. can they both coexist?

[Marquis]

Thank you for the insights SirLeo and quietwoman. I am glad to know that there is understanding in the community and I am not the only one in this boat. As fearful of rejection as I am, I might try to be upfront about it, I just don't know how to start the conversation without feeling judged. But in a way, I don't feel like I want him to be the Dom in my life. We are truly committed and we will be having children together. I do not feel it is easy to manage the duality of sub at night/dom during the day when having a family and raising children. I might be also Madonna-izing (is there a term I am missing here, and do you get my idea?) my lover and do not want him to take up that roll.

Well, now you're talking about infidelity, or at least non-monogamy, as well as having submissive desires. The duality of which you speak is challenging for all of us, on both sides of the whip, newbies and old guard alike.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with non-monogamy, but I was being a bit forgetful when I said earlier that I didn't know what comes next in these types of situations. What usually comes next is the woman in question cheating on her husband, and asking the people of lit to be non-judgmental and supportive of her. Support she is usually provided with, by male Dominants in equally sexually unsatisfying marriages. I'm sure you've already gotten a few PMs.

And how does it usually end up for said lady? Emboldened by the strength of her comrades on lit and all their non-judgmental support, she tells her husband how she feels with complete confidence. He understands, and she continues to have a happy marriage while enjoying play time with her Dominant, right?

No, usually it means major disappointment and heartbreak for everyone involved.

If you want to be with your husband and be involved in BDSM, I suggest you work it out with him. There are a million and one options available to you from there, but he deserves to know the truth.

Marquis, you seem to be annoyed and irritated that newbies like me come here and ask those existential questions you seem to have figured out. I appreciate forums like this because it is meant for people to converse and exchange ideas. Naturally people like myself gravitate to the conversations that are most likely to affect them personally and we all do this at different paces. I am happy to know this site exists where nobody will judge even if we talk about the most perverse sexual topic. I feel more people should come to this site because it will help them deal with their inner demons, and then realize they do not really have demons, but desires that others in this community understand. Thanks again for the contribution but as Kajira Callista alluded, you're not really being helpful.

I am coarse, and gruff. I am trying to be helpful, in my own way, really. I am also trying to have some fun, which I think is allowed.

Unfortunately, what you say about Lit being a non-judgmental place is not true. We are brought here by different motives than that which bring people to... church for example, but people here are no less judgmental than anywhere else. Ultimately it will be up to you to decide for yourself what you think is right and not care what judgments may be made upon you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank you for the insights SirLeo and quietwoman. I am glad to know that there is understanding in the community and I am not the only one in this boat. As fearful of rejection as I am, I might try to be upfront about it, I just don't know how to start the conversation without feeling judged. But in a way, I don't feel like I want him to be the Dom in my life. We are truly committed and we will be having children together. I do not feel it is easy to manage the duality of sub at night/dom during the day when having a family and raising children. I might be also Madonna-izing (is there a term I am missing here, and do you get my idea?) my lover and do not want him to take up that roll.

When Someone You Love is Kinky by Easton is an excellent, non-threatening, easy introductory read on the subject.

Another thing that helps the discussion, is knowing what you're looking for/wanting to accomplish/need (in general). If you think submission/BDSM = service submission/he takes charge in the bedroom, and he thinks submission/BDSM = self-esteem issues and mindless robot... y'all got problems.

With regards to the comment about being in a D/s relationship and doing the family/marriage/kids thing... think about that. Do you really think that people who are kinky turn that off when they become wives/husbands/mothers/fathers? Do you think that having an affair (cyber or otherwise) is somehow easier than having a "head of household/traditional" [D/s] relationship?

 

[intothewoods]

No, usually it means major disappointment and heartbreak for everyone involved.

I agree with this. And that's without moral judgment. It's just the way these things seem to pan out.

 

[SirLeo]

Annoyed

Marquis, you seem to be annoyed and irritated that newbies like me come here and ask those existential questions you seem to have figured out. I appreciate forums like this because it is meant for people to converse and exchange ideas. Naturally people like myself gravitate to the conversations that are most likely to affect them personally and we all do this at different paces. I am happy to know this site exists where nobody will judge even if we talk about the most perverse sexual topic. I feel more people should come to this site because it will help them deal with their inner demons, and then realize they do not really have demons, but desires that others in this community understand. Thanks again for the contribution but as Kajira Callista alluded, you're not really being helpful.

Likely he is more annoyed that he doesn't have you kneeling before him at night with his hard cock in your warm mouth.....;-)

BTW- we have a wonderful family life with two great kids.....