What a mess we are

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: new strands keep the thread going...

As we all know, women like to talk (about every damn thing), so when you can talk the talk the rest is easy.

I would have to say communication problems are the reason my marriage failed. I could not communicate on just about any level, and my wife had many hidden problems I did not know about until many years later when we both finally learned to communicate - but too late (we had been divorced for some time already).

My communication problems were due in part to how I was raised, but mostly due to some problem with my brain as far as being able to verbalize what I wanted to say; I said very little until I was 6 years old. It was/is probably a factor in my shyness. I have learned to communicate verbally now - it took some decades to get to that point, and now I ramble on as over compensation.

But good communication is more than just verbalizing - it is being able to listen and comprehend what is being said. My relationship with my ex-wife improved greatly when I learned to just shut up and listen, even if very little of substance was being said. She just wanted to have someone listen to her, not really seeking solutions to problems she had, but just to listen in sympathy.

A very good book on the *typical* differences between male and female communication forms is "You just don't understand" and "That's not what I meant!" by Deborah Tannen. These are not just some more pop psych books - Tannen is a linguistics professor and her insights into verbal communication are really helpful.

STG

 

[softcaress69]

Interesting thought! It would seem that not all people are able to be honest with one-another mostly because they don’t know how to be honest with themselves. If you can’t be honest with yourself, you think you are bull shitting others but they see right threw you. Men and women may not always be able to understand completely the thoughts of the other but having discussions like this, helps a great deal. And it is interesting that we really aren’t so different from one another. We all want to be wanted and feel the touch of another. Isn’t that why we are here?

I agree to a point that we make our own happiness but many times, we are dealt situations that we have absolutely no control over and can’t find a way out of. And it seems that there is no other person that would like to share his or her time with you and it would mean so much! It also seems that it is easier for women to be celibate than it is for a man. Mostly because they don’t have to deal with the testosterone. Just as we don’t have to deal with the PMS and bloating of a woman's period. But we are driven, men and women by the hormones to do things we might not normally do. Ok, I’m rambling now! Lol!

 

[Cathay]

easier for a man?

SoftCaress69,
I don't know if it's easier for a woman to be celibate than a man. I have a huge appetite, I love the taste, the sense, the absolute joy of sex. But, I do think women can control that appetite better. My lover tells me that so many men are led around by their dick, I think that women have a better sense of self-control. Women are hungrier than they let on. (don't let 'em kid ya). Maybe simply because they don't have that testy testerone problem, but I think it's because women as a general rule, keep the act of sex in a different perspective. When I was younger, I truly felt that men and women all wanted the SAME thing. I don't believe that anymore. But I do believe we all want to touch and
be touched, just as you said. There is a need in all of us. A need to find our place in the world..in relationships. To make our mark,
to leave a legacy..and for me To live each day enjoying all that
God hath wrought. (so to speak). I think women (hmmm I may be reaching here) need a balance of all things joyful, and men
somehow have tipped their scales somewhat. Not as diverse..and yet they too crave All Things Joyful. hmmm food for thought. I am not sure how to put this in words but... I will think on it.

 

[MizTabby]

Ramble on SoftCaress

Interesting thought! It would seem that not all people are able to be honest with one-another mostly because they don’t know how to be honest with themselves.
We all want to be wanted and feel the touch of another. Isn’t that why we are here?

Ok, I’m rambling now! Lol!

SoftCaress said it well, the honesty aspect of a relationship is of utmost importance. When it comes to descriptions, age, preferences, etc, I prefer to get all those stats out of the way in the initial messages. In the event that something develops from the exchange of mail, I want no unexpected surprises, nor do I want to give any.
Too many times, and here I include myself, people are led to believe that the person they're communicating with is a super somebody, with all the trimmings. Then I'd better go find a turkey, since I can dress that up and put whatever stuffing I happen to like.
What happened to truth? and being self assured enough to know that everybody has different tastes, and chances are I might not be his Sleeping Beauty nor him my Prince Charming, but then again, chances are that neither of the two are caught up in fairy tales, and welcome the sincerity of someone who likes him/herself and honestly portrays that person in the messages.
There is no foolproof way to ascertain just who we meet on these Boards, but it sure would make life easier if we tell it like it is.

As Cat said ".... But I do believe we all want to touch and
be touched" which I agree but not just the body, also the heart and mind.

 

[softcaress69]

Well Cat, if you think about it, because of that testy testosterone problem it is biology. Women have more testosterone when they are younger and as they get older, it decreases. But they didn’t have as much to start with. So, it is easier for a woman to control that appetite better. For a man, yes it also decreases but men have a lot more of that pesky hormone than does a woman. If a woman doesn’t have desire for sex there will be no sex! A woman really has to desire sex and enjoy sex but it is her brain and not her libido at work for sex. Also thrown in the mix are the social norms. Like someone mentioned several pages ago! Lol! My head hurts! Lol!

And, Mistique, You are correct I do mean touch more than just physically. But here I am shaky! The aspect of touch may be different from a woman to a man. As a man, touch with a woman is a release of emotions that is not allowed in any other aspect of society. Where a woman can freely show emotion without any social stigma. So, we may be looking at differences here also? I’d like to hear more on this from people?

Ok, I’m done!

 

[Lady_Kit]

communication...

The aspect of touch may be different from a woman to a man.

I'm sure that you are right, and I would put to you that "talking" is different for men and women; i.e. women want to talk about what a louse their ex is, and men want to beat up the wifes' ex cause he's a louse.
It's good that this is the way we are. It gives us perspective.

 

[Lady_Kit]

The party is On!!!

Ladies, Gentlemen, and assorted free thinkers. Please join me for the first annual "What a Mess We Are" retreat.

A new thread in the SRP area welcomes you each to Cat Island, Bahamas.

Please join me there for further conversation and good times.

*Packing sunscreen, the new Robert B. Parker novel, toothbrush, sunglasses, sandals, something pretty for the evening...." Ready!!

 

[Cathay]

The plane has landed....I am on the way

I am there Kit. Looking forward to our retreat. I love new adventures.............Can't hardly wait.

 

[rashid]

Quick note to Tall Shy Guy

Deborah Tannen is excellent reading - If you liked that you'll love "the gentle art of verbal self defense" look at Amazon for the title and the tape series too I think.

One interesting way to take charge of our communication is to realize that the meaning of a message is not what we sent but WHAT IS RECIEVED. I can say the exact same words, exactly the same way to ten different people and get ten (or a hundred or a thousand ) completely different responses, based on the filters being used to make sense of the words. Because language is so imprecise in describing experience, it's necessary to "delete, distorte, and generalize" incomming information in order to make it fit our version of reality. For this reason the same sentence can get me fucked, slapped or arrested depending on who I deliver it to and in what context it's delivered.

A long winded way to say "gentlemen - be careful to set the context before attacking the ladies with your "hot throbbing manhood"