What does he want???

[snowpetal]

its really not acceptable in this culture either !!!





this culture accepts regular ol' promiscuity ...and girls getting preg. at 16


but wont accept a monogamous gay couple

well, not in the way that they would let them get married.



maybe I am confused again, but why does it matter that his culture doesnt accept his "rough" ness, or what ever is going on with him.

I am fascinated with his culture, but that is not who he is, he has lived here for 6 years , for One and for Two, he is not the type to let his culture determine what he can and cannot do.

I dont know, I am going to see him tomorow for dinner

and I mean at a restaurant, not his house..

but I seriously am taking what people say here to heart.

I wanted to talk more about this to my mom, but I cant tell her everything that he does, so I needed some feedback from neutral 3rd party, you know.

I am hearing alot of warnings, so I am not going to let this go fast.


but I think alot of what he is saying and doing is his way of joking
and being exciting and getting a rise out of me.

but then again...people often make jokes about things, because those
things are true.


Thank you for aaall of the thoughts though, seriously and
when (and more importantly IF) if I "find out " more about him I will let you
know as I imagine some of you are curious by now.

not as curious as me though!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Shy Slave

NOOoOO I dont mean at all that if he does BDSM he is psycho!!!!!!!!


that is not what I meant

I feel like some people here are telling me that he has
much more up his sleeve than bdsm

they are saying that he is not bdsm...but that he might be dangerous

now, I said, that he has too much to loose, with his family, friends and especially his career...to be a psycho (meaning a dangerous person)

I dont think that he is psycho

I DO think that he is a little bdsm

that is why I am posting here

and I dont think that bdsm is psycho at all

I respect all walks of life, all cultures what ever.

In fact the guy Im dating is from bombay,india and he is asian/arab and hindu.
I am from the midwest, caucasion, and christian.

but none of these are hurdles....because I REALLy LIKE HIM
and he adores me...

and bdsm would not be a hurdle either.

I am not going to judge something with out trying it..but what makes me uncomfortable is his VAGUENESS and how he eludes my questions

he must know it is difficult for me to ask...


trust me I dont mean to come off as offensive, I am naive, but I am reading the library

Still comes down to your having to ask if you want the real answers. I don't see his cultural background being anymore confusing than anyone who is from an interacial parentage where sometimes both cultures have equal exposure and are presented as a chice, or one is presented as the one the household lives by...perhaps he chose to take the Hindu path, perhaps it was how he was raised, but regardless, being Hindu does not usually mean he is suspect or violent or dodgy. As to race, to believe that gives him a red flag would be foolish given the level of domestic violence and rape we have in the west.

If he has not been raised in the west though, his comments about you wanting to rule him may come from his beliefs or observations of western women in the post feminist age which would possibly be different to how he was raised. He could be as I said earlier, tryng to see if that is who you are or whether you can accept being submissve, or even just an equal. I am still puzzled as to why people find his staring type looks as frightening. There are many people in this world who have no control over how that perception is formed based solely on how their eyes appear to those who do not know them....I continually get accused of being tired because of how mine look, or because of how my lashes appear to brush my cheeks if I look down such as when reading etc. I get accused of being asleep (even when I am talking ) and believe me, after nearly 50 years it gets frustrating and yes, tiring.

Of course, maybe if he is a passionate person what you describe as staring could be similar to how F often looks at me, especially in intimate moments, and damn, he is not dodgy. Then agan, it could also just be your perception, or lack of the right word to convey the look to us....I still do not see a look as scary or reason to dump the guy unless they are chasing you with a big knife dripping blood. As I said before, everything you described i have experienced with both vanilla and BDSM partners who were quite well adjusted and safe. Ask him, and you might begin to have all your answers at once.

Catalina

 

[Thrall_67]

Let's get down to the nitty gritty...

and he tells me that he adores me and he opens every door, and is uber considerate...

its just that in addition to being what I consider a great guy..


he pulls my hair, bites, pinches ALOT, starres at me, bites at air, etc etc
and does not act like other guys when we are kissng.[/QUOTE]

Hon:
Again, it doesn't matter if anyone on this forum feels that his behaviour is strange...................
It only matters if YOU feel it is strange and it makes you scared, uncomfortable, worried......
Here is an example from my own experience :
Long before I ever got involved with BDSM, I dated a guy who for was "all that and a bag of chips", nice, sweet, funny. The first time we had sex was good - then he whispered in my ear that he wanted to "clean" me. ???? He then proceeded "down under" and basically licked out his deposit so to speak. Did it make me uncomfortable - yes the first time - but then I found it highly erotic and demanded that this happen every time (which he was happy to oblige) Is this strange behaviour ? Yes to some. There are people reading this now who are wriggling up their noses (eeewwww). He did not act like any other guy I had been with.

IMPORTANT ::: PAY ATTENTION ::: The only reason it was allowed to continue was because I wanted it to.......
If this guys behaviour is making you uncomfortable - TELL HIM !!!!! If this is his personality and he would feel repressed to not act "himself" then he is not the guy for you - something only you can decide for yourself.

the older woman writes to the young girl as gently as she can ...... - life is short Darlin - don't waste time wondering, pondering, worrying........ have a heart-to-heart with yourself and find out what you want then have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him what you want.

 

[FurryFury]

He has too much to lose if he does something psycho?

I'm sorry that is utter crap. People with too much to lose do things every damn day. They tend to not think about the consequences or assume they are immune and they are, until they get caught or someone speaks up.

That reasoning that someone must be okay because they would have too much to lose if they were not doesn't hold up.

Fury

 

[Noor]

He has too much to lose if he does something psycho?

I'm sorry that is utter crap. People with too much to lose do things every damn day. They tend to not think about the consequences or assume they are immune and they are, until they get caught or someone speaks up.

That reasoning that someone must be okay because they would have too much to lose if they were not doesn't hold up.

Fury

Ted Bundy was considered a wonderful guy by his friends. He had female friends too. He was well liked, attractive, and had decent jobs. Unfortunately he was a sexual predator who preferred sex with dead women, and became a serial killer.

"Judge Edward Cowart said, when sentencing Bundy to death:
"It is ordered that you be put to death by a current of electricity, that current be passed through your body until you are dead. Take care of yourself, young man. I say that to you sincerely; take care of yourself. It's a tragedy for this court to see such a total waste of humanity as I've experienced in this courtroom. You're a bright young man. You'd have made a good lawyer, and I'd have loved to have you practice in front of me, but you went another way, partner. Take care of yourself. I don't have any animosity to you. I want you to know that. Take care of yourself."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Bundy

I know you say you really like this guy but nothing you have said so far really indicates that besides your saying so. Mainly what you have said about him has been negative or superficial. If he didn't have money, a decent job, give you jewelry, very polite... would you still be interested?

When I really like someone I talk about them with affection, tend to give them nicknames, and/or find some little quirk of theirs endearing. For instance, I have a friend who tends to delete stuff when he gets frustrated with it, I don't know how many times he has deleted yahoo, and when he does it it makes me laugh. I know their favorite things, eating habits, ect... Its not because these things are on a check list of things to know but I just pick up on them. If their favorite flower is a voila pansy, I am reminded of them when I see it.

You say he is nice and polite, but is it polite to pinch and hurt someone you care about in the name of pleasure without asking? Lots of abusive men are extremely wonderful in public and before they think they have someone.

I agree with the poster who said calling your mom when you get home isn't much safety wise.

I have been stalked by guys who turned out to be whackos twice, I literally had no idea they would be that way. I had known them for a while, and had met their mothers. They were a little strange, occasionally said things that seemed off, but nothing you could point your finger to. They were never my BF or lover, just friends of men I was seeing. Both these men were very bright, had graduated from MIT, polite, and looked great on paper.

Restraining orders only work with bullies, not serious wackos, they don't care what they have to lose. These men were one of the reasons I left an industry I loved. I lost a lot of income, which I will probably never recover from but I figured my life was worth it, and still do.
I was lucky that they eventually lost interest in me. They both spent time in hospitals. They both communicated through 3rd parties to me that they got help, were better and apologized for terrorizing me. I still will go nowhere near them.

One gave a handwritten 10 page letter to the police to give to me, they gave me a copy. In it he explained what was happening in his head, assumptions about my behavior. He had thought all our interactions were like a chess game, and that I would leave the guy I loved for him. He had even played with the thought of getting rid of my guy somehow. He said he realized that his logic was faulty. Frankly, reading that letter scared me even more.

So my radar is pretty up for possible wackos, and your guy is playing some head games that I find scary. Though I suspect if you meet his mother she will put a stop to the relationship. Christians in India often are from the untouchable caste. If you had children they would have no caste which for some Indian mommas is a fate worse than dead.

By the way, a guy I dated from India had been in the US over a decade and when his mom came he reverted back to his cultural norms. Its referred to as "reverting to type." It usually happens when guys go back to their home country. You see it a lot in women who meet and marry men from the middle east, who later move back home. I have seen it happen the other way too

 

[FurryFury]

I missed the part about his culture.

What culture was it?

To think he can through off the preconceptions of his culture and the way he was raised is very naive, we are all at least partially by products of that. It's surprising when you recognize what you have internalized as immutable facts from the "correct brand" of say a bathroom rug to the "correct way a man and woman" should interact at various times in their life cycles, we have these things inside us and only by looking inside examining them can we possibly change them. The problem is there is so much "code written" inside us all we can never find all of them and rewrite them completely, again, IMO.

Bundy and most successfully human monsters do not "look" abnormal except in mug shots perhaps and often, do not register as abnormal to our internal senses. Why is that? Because they believe themselves while playing a given role to be that and come off as authentic. People who can lie well to themselves are the scariest people of all, I've found.

Fury

 

[Maxell46]

I can't believe people actually spend a minute of their time in a relationship that obviously is screwed up and has so many questions to it!
Move on!
Adious lip biting air snapping confusing male!
And mature a bit from this red flag type of man your involved with!

Jeeeesss.....
are some of you so desperate that you would get involved with someone who has so many red flags going up ?

Max

 

[Noor]

I missed the part about his culture.

What culture was it?

To think he can through off the preconceptions of his culture and the way he was raised is very naive, we are all at least partially by products of that. It's surprising when you recognize what you have internalized as immutable facts from the "correct brand" of say a bathroom rug to the "correct way a man and woman" should interact at various times in their life cycles, we have these things inside us and only by looking inside examining them can we possibly change them. The problem is there is so much "code written" inside us all we can never find all of them and rewrite them completely, again, IMO.

Bundy and most successfully human monsters do not "look" abnormal except in mug shots perhaps and often, do not register as abnormal to our internal senses. Why is that? Because they believe themselves while playing a given role to be that and come off as authentic. People who can lie well to themselves are the scariest people of all, I've found.

Fury

She said he is from "bombay,india and he is asian/arab and hindu." Which is very strange mix, I am not sure the arab part its possible. You are either born Hindu or not, one can not convert, nor can one be born of a non-Hindu parent and be Hindu.

That is why it is so interesting being in other countries and staying with natives of that country, you find out what is cultural in yourself. I find cross cultural relationships easier in some ways because you both know (usually) that you must define everything and not make assumptions.

Yes even Bundy's execution sentencing judge seemed to liked him!

 

[AngelicAssassin]

You are either born Hindu or not, one can not convert, nor can one be born of a non-Hindu parent and be Hindu.

Really? i thought that was forgive the phrase, "old-school". i popped Wiki and found this. This is a little more specific.

 

[DVS]

I had a relationship with a sub once and she was divorced from her husband. He was from India and was well dressed, seemed calm and soft spoken and rich. He was rich because he was a well educated doctor. He was western schooled, and always intended to one day go back to India and practice there.

I don't know why, but she married him, anyway. They also had a daughter. He was very strict in how he ran the household, and only gave his wife an allowance.

She was a gradeschool teacher and he didn't want her to do that. He said she should be home with the daughter, and have dinner waiting when he got home, and that sort of thing.

She said he let her see none of that side of him, while they were dating and he was always nice to her friends. She said he wasn't a Dom, but his homeland was male driven and all women were second class citizens.

She said she must have missunderstood that as being sexual dominant, when it was actually almost an abusive domination. The sex wasn't equal, as he was the master of his home and if he didn't see a need for something, it wasn't done...period.

Now I don't know about the religion problems, other than she was Christian. I don't know what he was, but I'm assuming he was Hindu. How that all works out, I don't know, but it didn't go well with his family.

His mother found out about his marriage, and from that point on he seemed like a different person. My friend said she eventually was almost forced to leave the house, because she couldn't stand his personality. She said more and more, she was treated like a lower class human, in his eyes.

Because everything was in his name, she eventually lost most material possessions, because he had a good lawyer and she couldn't afford to fight him. He even tried to show she was a bad mother because she was dating another man while they were seperated. Mistake on her part, she knows.

He did a pretty good job of brainwashing their daughter, too, because she continued to live with him, because my friend didn't even have enough money to afford herself, let alone her daughter, too.

He told her that her mother didn't want her, and she was more involved in her "new sex life" and didn't care about her. He bought his daughter all sorts of nice things and said they were hers as long as she stayed with him.

The few times my friend got to see her daughter, she spent most of the time with her explaining away the lies her father had told her.

He was planning to go back to India and take his daughter with him. My friend didn't have the financial backing to stop him, and she was worried she would never see her daughter again.

She did get a court to stop him, but it's only a matter of time before he does it anyway, because he is rich, and money talks.

She and her daughter have pretty much straightened things out, but he still has a lot of control over his daughter, because he gives her almost anything she wants.

My friend said her daughter doesn't want to go live in India, but her father has only said they might go for a visit. My friend is worried that visit will turn into a lifetime, and her daughter will be brainwashed again, into living there.

I once dated a blonde woman who dated an Indian man, before me. She said they were going to be married, but his family wouldn't allow it. She now feels it was the right thing, because she wanted kids with blonde hair and blue eyes. Yes, she actually said that. Her own little Nazi family.

I also know another woman friend who married an Iranian man, and this was back in the 70s. She actually went to Iran to live, if you can figure that one out.

I've heard so many stories of Mid-Eastern customs and how they take power over the western ideals. It's mostly Eastern men who come to the U.S. for their education, and meet a woman.

The woman is oblivious of the culture background differences and then one day, boom, everything changes. For some, it works out OK, and for some, well, it doesn't.

 

[FurryFury]

I've known women who have relationships with men who seemed okay at first. Some of them had children taken for visits in such countries but the man and children never returned. It's heartbreaking for me to think about. It's also part of why I got a passport for my child so my ex who was from this country just like me, couldn't get a legal passport for her and take her out of the country that way as he threatened. He loved to threaten. I also kept a set of his fingerprints and hers as well. I had a photo that could be age progressed. I did a lot of what I considered preventative actions that he never knew about.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

You know, I am disappointed with the amount of negative posting based on horror stories related to marrying someone from another culture, namely Middle Eastern or India. For as many negative tales you have to tell, there are a multitude more positive stories where it has been a wonderful relationship, often with the male being the henpecked one not the woman being abused. This sort of attitude and intolerance which is manifested in fear tactics is why the US and Americans have gained such a bad reputation in Europe and most of the world as a country which sees their way as the only right way, and down with the rest or anyone who dares not agree. If the US has it so right, if it is so safe to marry one of your own, why does murder exist and guns seem to be a necessity to survival, why is rape and DV on the rise, why is the biggest killer of pregnant women in the US murder by their own partners? I suppose they must all have married someone from another culture.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

I can't believe people are still posting to this. And for the record, I couldn't give a shit less what culture these so-called people are from.

Look at the thread... for every post of advice or suggestion, she/he/whatever, has a response as to why it won't work. This person has an answer/excuse for every thing that anyone's posted.

I said it on page one and I'll say it again... I see nothing but red flags with this entire thread. And it certainly makes me wonder where/who this even came from.

 

[Etoile]

Really? i thought that was forgive the phrase, "old-school". i popped Wiki and found this. This is a little more specific.

You "popped wiki" - that's a new idiom for me. I like it!

I don't get the vibe that this is anything but a legitimately innocent question. I don't think snowpetal is trying to turn everything into a way it won't work for her own amusement or anything else - I think she is trying to make our responses fit the mold she wants this man to be.

My own thought is that if she cannot have an utterly frank discussion with him, this relationship should proceed no further. Communication is paramount. You MUST be able to communicate in a relationship, whether it is BDSM or not.

 

[FurryFury]

You know, I am disappointed with the amount of negative posting based on horror stories related to marrying someone from another culture, namely Middle Eastern or India. For as many negative tales you have to tell, there are a multitude more positive stories where it has been a wonderful relationship, often with the male being the henpecked one not the woman being abused. This sort of attitude and intolerance which is manifested in fear tactics is why the US and Americans have gained such a bad reputation in Europe and most of the world as a country which sees their way as the only right way, and down with the rest or anyone who dares not agree. If the US has it so right, if it is so safe to marry one of your own, why does murder exist and guns seem to be a necessity to survival, why is rape and DV on the rise, why is the biggest killer of pregnant women in the US murder by their own partners? I suppose they must all have married someone from another culture.

Catalina

Tolerance combined with his false persona and her lack of caution is how these women get hooked up with the men in question, IMO.

If I had good stories to tell about these sorts of hook ups I would but sadly I don't know any.

Yes there is DV in the US, and for that matter every country.

Personally I find the idea of stealing a child of mine worse than DV against me because I am an adult, I choose what I do an don't do about that.

I gave an example of some things I did when my ex who was from this same country threatened our child. That would tend to indicate that I wasn't just blaming people from another country for being the only ones that do these sorts of things, at least I would think so.

He thought he could control me by getting me pregnant and walking out. Later he thought he could control me through threats involving the child. The fact that he walked out at all I believe was due to the fact that I wasn't as easy for him to break down anymore. The moment he left, his control over me (what was left of it,) was broken. I took steps to try to make my child as safe as I could.

Now I do have one friend who is with a guy from a different culture and it might work. They still have a good many problems come up because of how their backgrounds are so different. That can affect you so deeply that you can't see the other person's point of view because you think it's "just how it is."

If you do get involved with a person from another culture, I believe you need to study that culture and work even harder to understand how his or her experiences from birth on have left impressions that they can't in most cases undo, even if they want to.

Most of these people who marry people of other cultures assume that their own cultural basis will be the basis for the relationship. That is, IMO, foolish but foolish relationships (and dangerous ones,) happen in any culture. I never meant to indicate otherwise.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

Tolerance combined with his false persona and her lack of caution is how these women get hooked up with the men in question, IMO.

If I had good stories to tell about these sorts of hook ups I would but sadly I don't know any.

Yes there is DV in the US, and for that matter every country.

Personally I find the idea of stealing a child of mine worse than DV against me because I am an adult, I choose what I do an don't do about that.

I gave an example of some things I did when my ex who was from this same country threatened our child. That would tend to indicate that I wasn't just blaming people from another country for being the only ones that do these sorts of things, at least I would think so.

He thought he could control me by getting me pregnant and walking out. Later he thought he could control me through threats involving the child. The fact that he walked out at all I believe was due to the fact that I wasn't as easy for him to break down anymore. The moment he left, his control over me (what was left of it,) was broken. I took steps to try to make my child as safe as I could.

Now I do have one friend who is with a guy from a different culture and it might work. They still have a good many problems come up because of how their backgrounds are so different. That can affect you so deeply that you can't see the other person's point of view because you think it's "just how it is."

If you do get involved with a person from another culture, I believe you need to study that culture and work even harder to understand how his or her experiences from birth on have left impressions that they can't in most cases undo, even if they want to.

Most of these people who marry people of other cultures assume that their own cultural basis will be the basis for the relationship. That is, IMO, foolish but foolish relationships (and dangerous ones,) happen in any culture. I never meant to indicate otherwise.

Fury

I wasn't talking about your post as I know your ex was from the same culture so it was not a racist type posting, hence not related to what I was saying. I guess the reality is, living in Oz where there are a lot of successful interracial/crosscultural marriages and relationships, and now Europe where most people do not think twice about it, and most of our friends, actually all of them, are marriages of a variety of mixed cultures and religions including Moslem/Catholic mix (and our own which is Catholic/Buddhist) and very happy, it just seems so unfair and intolerant to be advising someone from getting involved with someone from a different culture based solely on judgements based on that factor and claiming to not be racist or prejudice. My experience is, unlike you think FF, most people I know who marry from different cultures, they do not assume their culture will dominate but aim to be a blend of the best of both, understand each other, and above all respect each others history, religions, customs and reality. In actuality, people from most non-western cultures put more importance on the family than we are raised to, or perhaps it is they are more protective of their families than tearing each other apart which is so much a part of our own culture....that ain't bad.

Believe me, I actually had a couple of people tell me I was mad to marry F because he was Spanish and likely to be an abuser...I imagine if they had known he was also a political refugee who had dodged bullets as a youth they would have been even more sure they were right...but the reality is they were not and he treats me a lot better than any Australian guy ever did, has more compassion and understanding than most western men, and would lay his life down for me in a heartbeat..and anybody needs help, he is there. People from western cultures such as Oz and the US think they know but have never been through some of the things these cultures have, so do not understand how it can actually be a positive, not the negative some like to exaggerate and fuel.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I wasn't talking about your post as I know your ex was from the same culture so it was not a racist type posting, hence not related to what I was saying. I guess the reality is, living in Oz where there are a lot of successful interracial/crosscultural marriages and relationships, and now Europe where most people do not think twice about it, and most of our friends, actually all of them, are marriages of a variety of mixed cultures and religions including Moslem/Catholic mix (and our own which is Catholic/Buddhist) and very happy, it just seems so unfair and intolerant to be advising someone from getting involved with someone from a different culture based solely on judgements based on that factor and claiming to not be racist or prejudice. My experience is, unlike you think FF, most people I know who marry from different cultures, they do not assume their culture will dominate but aim to be a blend of the best of both, understand each other, and above all respect each others history, religions, customs and reality. In actuality, people from most non-western cultures put more importance on the family than we are raised to, or perhaps it is they are more protective of their families than tearing each other apart which is so much a part of our own culture....that ain't bad.

Believe me, I actually had a couple of people tell me I was mad to marry F because he was Spanish and likely to be an abuser...I imagine if they had known he was also a political refugee who had dodged bullets as a youth they would have been even more sure they were right...but the reality is they were not and he treats me a lot better than any Australian guy ever did, has more compassion and understanding than most western men, and would lay his life down for me in a heartbeat..and anybody needs help, he is there. People from western cultures such as Oz and the US think they know but have never been through some of the things these cultures have, so do not understand how it can actually be a positive, not the negative some like to exaggerate and fuel.

Catalina

Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am inspired by and happy for you and F. I am not surprised that some people tried to caution you at all.

I'm glad you didn't mean my post, thanks for saying that.

I am also glad that most people you know are more self aware and both parties of the couples work hard at it.

However, knowing a few people from around the world, I know that Australia is a very different culture itself and so are the other areas around the world.

Here I see a lot of people who think a "fairy tale" is supposed to happen in their lives. Who IMO do not think ahead must and yes, I've been very guilty of this myself even though I told myself I didn't believe in such things.

I believe the subconscious markers from childhood play a huge part in how we are in relationships or out in the world and we often don't even investigate or know much about that much less those of our partners no matter what culture we are from or they are from.

I believe family is a pretty big part of most cultures, by the way. I know it is in mine.

Fury

 

[Etoile]

I am pleasantly surprised to hear that intermarrying Australians aim to blend their cultures.

I recently re-watched the movie Not Without My Daughter, and I read the book some years ago as well. It's the story of Betty Mahmoody, an American woman who traveled with her husband and their daughter Mahtob to visit his family in Iran. Although he had promised they would only be there for two weeks, when it was time to leave he announced that they would be staying permanently. For the next 18 months Betty tried to figure out a way to return home without having to leave her daughter behind - she would have been allowed to leave, but in Iran at the time (1980's) all custody was automatically awarded to fathers and Mahtob could not have flown home with her mother. Eventually Betty and Mahtob escaped overland, flying home from Turkey. Today Betty is a public speaker about her experience, and Mahtob is an attractive young med student; they have not seen Mahtob's father since their escape, declining to meet even in a neutral country and even though Mahtob is a legal adult now.

To be honest, some people would say Betty had it easy. The reason for this is that most international child abduction is by the non-custodial parent only. Betty was at least with her daughter on a daily basis; many custodial parents (or those left behind, if the abductor still has custody too) have no idea how their children are doing and have no way to get in contact with them, and it can be difficult to orchestrate the child's return from overseas.

There are two sides to every story, of course. There was a Finnish film made called "Without My Daughter" featuring Mahtob's father. I haven't figured out how to see it - of course it's not at the local rental shop or Netflix.

Bit of a hijack I suppose, sorry about that...

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am pleasantly surprised to hear that intermarrying Australians aim to blend their cultures.

I recently re-watched the movie Not Without My Daughter, and I read the book some years ago as well. It's the story of Betty Mahmoody, an American woman who traveled with her husband and their daughter Mahtob to visit his family in Iran. Although he had promised they would only be there for two weeks, when it was time to leave he announced that they would be staying permanently. For the next 18 months Betty tried to figure out a way to return home without having to leave her daughter behind - she would have been allowed to leave, but in Iran at the time (1980's) all custody was automatically awarded to fathers and Mahtob could not have flown home with her mother. Eventually Betty and Mahtob escaped overland, flying home from Turkey. Today Betty is a public speaker about her experience, and Mahtob is an attractive young med student; they have not seen Mahtob's father since their escape, declining to meet even in a neutral country and even though Mahtob is a legal adult now.

To be honest, some people would say Betty had it easy. The reason for this is that most international child abduction is by the non-custodial parent only. Betty was at least with her daughter on a daily basis; many custodial parents (or those left behind, if the abductor still has custody too) have no idea how their children are doing and have no way to get in contact with them, and it can be difficult to orchestrate the child's return from overseas.

There are two sides to every story, of course. There was a Finnish film made called "Without My Daughter" featuring Mahtob's father. I haven't figured out how to see it - of course it's not at the local rental shop or Netflix.

Bit of a hijack I suppose, sorry about that...

There are always 2 sides, though I was more disturbed by the blanket view that was coming through (IMO anyway) that there was only one and it was all bad. There is also a famous case in Oz of 2 children being abducted by their father in Asia on a parental visit. Their mother lives in Australia (she is also part Asian) and is a high profile figure but because of his standing in his home country, she has been unsuccsessful in gaining their return last I heard and it has been years. There was also an Australian actress who married and had children with an American and suffered the loss of her children when he decided to take them and not return them to her. It happens, but it is not always the case of cultural differences, nor is this situation presented here IMHO giving any signs of leading to a similar situation except in peoples minds because they do not think cross cultures can marry and be happy. In my view it is more about the people involved, more so than their culture, otherwise t would not happen with people of the same culture.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

nor is this situation presented here IMHO giving any signs of leading to a similar situation except in peoples minds because they do not think cross cultures can marry and be happy

I wasn't referring to this situation, FWIW - I don't see how his being a Hindu relates to it at all! I was just riffing on international child abduction. Hence the description of it as hijack.

 

[FurryFury]

I am pleasantly surprised to hear that intermarrying Australians aim to blend their cultures.

I recently re-watched the movie Not Without My Daughter, and I read the book some years ago as well. It's the story of Betty Mahmoody, an American woman who traveled with her husband and their daughter Mahtob to visit his family in Iran. Although he had promised they would only be there for two weeks, when it was time to leave he announced that they would be staying permanently. For the next 18 months Betty tried to figure out a way to return home without having to leave her daughter behind - she would have been allowed to leave, but in Iran at the time (1980's) all custody was automatically awarded to fathers and Mahtob could not have flown home with her mother. Eventually Betty and Mahtob escaped overland, flying home from Turkey. Today Betty is a public speaker about her experience, and Mahtob is an attractive young med student; they have not seen Mahtob's father since their escape, declining to meet even in a neutral country and even though Mahtob is a legal adult now.

To be honest, some people would say Betty had it easy. The reason for this is that most international child abduction is by the non-custodial parent only. Betty was at least with her daughter on a daily basis; many custodial parents (or those left behind, if the abductor still has custody too) have no idea how their children are doing and have no way to get in contact with them, and it can be difficult to orchestrate the child's return from overseas.

There are two sides to every story, of course. There was a Finnish film made called "Without My Daughter" featuring Mahtob's father. I haven't figured out how to see it - of course it's not at the local rental shop or Netflix.

Bit of a hijack I suppose, sorry about that...

I can't/won't watch movies like that or read books like that, it's too close to my nightmares.

Fury

 

[subwannabe]

I wanted to post to this days ago but didn't have the time. I see Snowpetal hasn't posted on this thread recently. I really hope she does not stay blind to this matter while most everyone gives her good advice. This guy has only shown the tip of the iceberg and she is wayyyyyyyyy over her head. He picked her out because he can sense she is vulnerable and already has plans in his head for her. The beginning part of it is winning her over and it ends with him being an absolute total control freak, in and out of bed. From the way she describes herself this is not where she really wants to go but before she realizes what is happening it will be too late! Even an extreme submissive will not be happy with this guy and will find herself trapped in a life she won't know how to get out of. A few may disagree with this but, in my opinion, this is where this relationship is going and it looks like several agree with me.

 

[FurryFury]

My opinion is applicable regardless of the culture(s) that may or may not be involved and goes like this in a nutshell :

I love to play games but not relationship games. However when his game includes either not communicating with me or thinking that if I pour my heart out and/or get upset WE have communicated, that's fucking big time trouble that I will never again allow into my life.

Been there, done that, have the emotional scars to prove it. It wasn't fun or good for me in anyway.

Fury

 

[Etoile]

This guy has only shown the tip of the iceberg and she is wayyyyyyyyy over her head. He picked her out because he can sense she is vulnerable and already has plans in his head for her. The beginning part of it is winning her over and it ends with him being an absolute total control freak, in and out of bed. From the way she describes herself this is not where she really wants to go but before she realizes what is happening it will be too late! Even an extreme submissive will not be happy with this guy and will find herself trapped in a life she won't know how to get out of. A few may disagree with this but, in my opinion, this is where this relationship is going and it looks like several agree with me.

I think you're assuming a lot about the guy. Yes, snowpetal is probably vulnerable. Yes, he might have plans for her. But saying "she's vulnerable and he has plans for her" makes him out to be a predator, which he may not be. Likewise, assuming that he WILL be a total control freak is taking a big step without knowing the guy. I agree that snowpetal isn't really interested in this stuff, though, and she probably will take a while to wake up to that and might suffer some heartache as a result - but I don't think she will be "trapped in a life(style)" and I don't think it will be "too late" - that implies he's out to harm her. It sounds to me like he is pretty run-of-the-mill like the rest of us. Remember, we are hearing this through snowpetal's eyes, so of course he's going to seem extreme. That doesn't mean somebody who's familiar with the lifestyle will think so, or that an "extreme" submissive (what is that, anyway?) is going to have problems handling the guy. The only thing I've gathered from what snowpetal has said is that (1) the guy is kinky (2) snowpetal is naive to kink (3) she's not sure what to do. It seems possible, based on him not asking for consent, that he could also be new to the scene himself. Or maybe he's just an asshole. In any case, I don't think anything we've heard screams "predator" about the guy. YMMV.

I see Snowpetal hasn't posted on this thread recently. I really hope she does not stay blind to this matter while most everyone gives her good advice.

She posted two days ago...?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I wasn't referring to this situation, FWIW - I don't see how his being a Hindu relates to it at all! I was just riffing on international child abduction. Hence the description of it as hijack.

Wasn't speaking about you Etoile..you are usually open minded and egalitarian, not knee jerk reaction based on no or little evidence, but fuelled by peoples fears.

Catalina