What does he want???

[subwannabe]

I didn't mean to imply that this guy was actually a predator. That is a strong word and probably does not apply to him. But, I have known several women who were in extremely abusive relationships and it is not always physical abuse. Before they realized what had happened to them they discovered it was very difficult to get out. This guy is trying to see how far he can go and, as I said, Snowpetal has only seen the tip of the iceberg. He knows exactly what he wants. I think Snowpetal is under the false assumption that this is a terrific guy who is into some kinky domination and she feels she may be willing take some baby steps in that direction to please him. I don't think she realizes how much of that iceberg is under water and how fast she would run if she really did know everything on his mind. When I said she hasn't posted in a while I was actually afraid that we destroyed her bubble and wouldn't be posting anymore. Love can be blind and sometimes we just refuse to believe the truth when it smacks us accross the face.

 

[Etoile]

I agree that "predator" implies malice aforethought, and that may not be what's happening here. You may be right that this is the tip of an iceberg, but I still feel that seeing it through snowpetal's eyes is not necessarily the best way to judge the guy. She is admittedly naive and innocent, so the words she chooses to describe him are going to make him sound extreme and intense because, to her, that's what he is. But that doesn't mean he is a dangerous person. Because we do not have an objective description from a third party who is familiar with kink, we cannot assume that he's going to "go bad" eventually. He may be quite normal in terms of kink, but we can't tell.

One thing I do find suspect is that he's not communicating and getting consent. But to me, that sounds insensitive or callous, and he's possibly new to the scene himself - but I don't think it's necessarily a sign of danger.

Or hell, maybe I'm giving him too much benefit of the doubt, and he's a psycho. We just don't know. Y'know?

 

[DVS]

I didn't mean to imply that this guy was actually a predator.

Don't worry. I've had the same thing happen to me. In forums such as this, people can read some things differently, and put a spin on it you didn't mean. It's nobody's fault, it just happens. But, that is how things get misunderstood and tempers flare.

I agree there are things about him that seem unusual, but I think we all agree that our only eyes are those of Snowpetal, and she's inexperienced in this area. I'm leaning towards him being a POTENTIAL problem, for whatever reason, but we'll just have to wait and see.

... She is admittedly naive and innocent, so the words she chooses to describe him are going to make him sound extreme and intense because, to her, that's what he is. But that doesn't mean he is a dangerous person. Because we do not have an objective description from a third party who is familiar with kink, we cannot assume that he's going to "go bad" eventually. He may be quite normal in terms of kink, but we can't tell...

Exactly. All we know is what she's telling us. And, because she probably doesn't understand some things, because she's naive and innocent (nothing wrong with that), it makes sense to give her all possible options, good and bad.

She came here for information. She has never experienced someone like this, before. We should make sure not to condemn him from the outset, but make sure to included the bad potential we see with the good. Then, it's up to her to decide, after that.

 

[Etoile]

Your words are wise, DVS.

 

[snowpetal]

once again...

Ok so I kind of got some information from him.

He is getting his phd, and the university gives him free tuition, if he teaches a class. So he keeps wanting me to take his class. Or making jokes about it. and of course I laugh, so he said he would love it if I was his student. So he told me "ever one has a fetish" and finally I said, yes, it would turn me on to be your student. because it would!!

Then he keeps asking me what my fantasies and fetishes are, but I tell him that I dont have any, but he says that everyone does, and he will figure mine out evenutally, so I might as well tell him. So he also tells me that I have a fetish of being scared, which is true I guess, because I do like it in some ways.

So then finally I said OKAY!! MR!!!! Tell me what YOUR fantasies are then!! He said that he likes nurses and women who will do what ever he asks them to do...and that he wants me to be his student.

So then we talk somemore, and he said he likes accepting dares and challenges.

and I said OH. like you want to jump out of a plane.??or something

and he said yes, but thats not necessarily what he means..

WHAT DOES HE MEAN???

I asked him and he just laughs and tells me to dare him to do something and I will find out


So I told him I will have to think about it.......

So I am back here.

WHAT DOES HE MEAN??

and what should I dare him to do.

and no, we have not had sex yet, obviously.

 

[CutieMouse]

Have you told this person you need to sit down and communicate in plain, blunt, no frills, english - lets leave the whole eroticism out of it for thirty damned minutes and TALK?

We have no freaking CLUE what this man means. We are not inside his head; we are getting any and all information through your eyes only.

You are not emotionally mature enough to play these games. If you can't even admit you have desires, you really don't need to be wasting time with a guy who plays the games Mr. Wonderful Professor Man is playing.

 

[snowpetal]

Hey...

I DO have desires and I certainly own up to it!!!

I obviously desire this man...alot!!

and I happen to LOVE sex!!!

 

[CutieMouse]

Then he keeps asking me what my fantasies and fetishes are, but I tell him that I dont have any, but he says that everyone does, and he will figure mine out evenutally, so I might as well tell him. So he also tells me that I have a fetish of being scared, which is true I guess, because I do like it in some ways.

You say you don't have any fetishes or fantasies, and finally admit you have a fetish for being scared... maybe... which you acknowledge after he says you have that fetish.

The man is continuing to play mind games with you.

Having desires, and loving sex, is great. An inability to clearly communicate about the issue at hand like adults (IMO he doesn't appear to be so hot at the communication thing, either) is a problem.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

WHAT DOES HE MEAN???

I asked him and he just laughs and tells me to dare him to do something and I will find out

...

Dare him to sit down for a real face-to-face conversation without the innuendo or game playing, with both of you being straight forward and honest with one another about what you are looking for.

Communication by mind-fuck is great in a scene.

It makes for a suck-ass relationship.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

WHAT DOES HE MEAN??

and what should I dare him to do.

Dare him to sit down with you and have a serious face to face conversation without the games.

I've never been one to want to play those kinds of games personally. It's too childish and frustrating. I want to be with a Man not a little boy. However that's just my preference and to each their own. If you want to play his games then by all means go for it.

I don't know what's going on in his head and wouldn't even venture a guess since I don't know either of you. So this is all the advice I can give, I hope you get what you want out of this. Good luck to you.

 

[chris9]

I agree with everybody else. Dare him to stop playing and instead sit down for a serious talk, taking you serious.
He can play at making you unsure of what's going on again after that talk, if both of you agree on the direction the relationship is going.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Personally if I were you, by now I would have gotten bored of the 'mystery' and guessing games and moved on. I think perhaps you both need to gain some maturity and stop playing games because the way I see it snowpetal, you are playing the game as much as he is by staying around like an excited little puppy wondering what he is going to come up with next to keep you guessing and asking questions that never get answered adequately, and basically not moving forward or backward, just playing catch me if you can.

Catalina

BTW, I merged both your threads as they are dealing with the same question and issue and it saves confusion on the forum to keep it all together.

 

[Noor]

it sounds like you are getting off on the mystery and game playing and you would like someone here to validate that he is legit and a great guy. He may be that but nothing you have said about him besides your opinion that he is, have given me any indication that he is more than a man who like to play head games with opponents that are not his equal.

So you got a grad student, who is also a TA oh joy. He hasn't by any chance been a grad student the entire time he has been in this country, has he?

Dating a man who is a grad student, esp a 4, 5, 6th plus year grad student ranks right up there with being the first woman a guy dates after the break up of a long relationship, dating a man going for tenure can also be rough.

I would advise you strongly not to take his class for several reasons 1) most educational institutions have strong rules concerning teacher/student relationships, 2) he will grade you harder than any other student in an attempt to not show favoritism 3) if your relationship sours he will make that class a living hell for you.

 

[subwannabe]

I think it is a fantastic idea to dare him to lay his true thoughts out on the line without any mind games. He is so egotistical that he can do any dare you throw at him then let him do that. I bet he can't. He will be back to the mind games. What are the real reasons you are so smitten with this guy? I really think you are getting in way over your head. Why don't you try going several places with this guy with family and friends present and later ask them what they think of him.

 

[RhymeFairy]

Dare him to sit down for a real face-to-face conversation without the innuendo or game playing, with both of you being straight forward and honest with one another about what you are looking for.

Communication by mind-fuck is great in a scene.

It makes for a suck-ass relationship.

I agree. Great advice ~

 

[wantonthoughts]

Hmmmm men- real men that is~ respect you, communicate well and don't play games- Dom or not - kinky sex or vanilla- if he wants to know you for you he needs to know where you stand- since you can't come out and ask him or tell him what you need to know then maybe it's a game to both of you- desire is great- in fact its wonderful, but games are for children and mind games are something no one should play.

 

[Etoile]

games are for children and mind games are something no one should play.

I agree and disagree. Mind games should not be happening at this point in the relationship. Within the context of an established relationship, though, mind games and mindfucks can be pretty powerful fun.

 

[Shagly]

 

[Etoile]

Okay, I'll bite. What on earth did that image have to do with the thread?

 

[DVS]

Okay, I'll bite. What on earth did that image have to do with the thread?

Glad you were the one that bit. I was wondering that same thing. symbolism of some sort, maybe? Nah, that's giving it too much credit.

 

[Etoile]

Glad you were the one that bit. I was wondering that same thing. symbolism of some sort, maybe? Nah, that's giving it too much credit.

Yeah, looks like he's just going around posting porn in random threads.

 

[DVS]

Yeah, looks like he's just going around posting porn in random threads.

You mean, just in case Lit doesn't already have a bandwidth problem?

 

[rosco rathbone]

I'll keep my advise short... run don't walk away from this relationship as fast as you can. It will become more and more abusive.. It's already abusive and it'll get a lot worse and probably never get better.. Your pain is his pleasure and we won't ask your permission.. if someone physically or mentally hurts you get them out your life as fast as possible.. He'll start trying to separate you from your family and start taking more and more control of your life so end it now.. It's not worth it.. even if you like him a lot.. he'll just use that to his benefit and use it to tighten his control of you.. he's a control freak with a lot more issues than you want even think about.. If you're in college try running what you told us by a counselor or therapist.. I bet they tell you to get as far away from him as possible..

lol @ this

 

[JMohegan]

lol @ this

I lol'd at that, too.

Aside from the separating from the family bit, jacintexas pretty much has me all figured out.

Not sure what his point is, though.

 

[Shagly]

Okay, I'll bite. What on earth did that image have to do with the thread?

LOL

I know a Dr. that will make house calls if necessary.