What kind of power balance do you have in your relationship?

[Homburg]

I hate to break this to you, but I'm not all that lovely. It's best you find it out now.

Lovely is a state of mind as much as a state of grace. It is also a state wherein my mistakes get called on much less often. Someday I hope to move to that state.

And, yes, you're lovely, my dear. even if you do have that cute lil bad habit of calling me on my BS.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Explain to me how this is bad, or controlling, or dissrespectful of their thoughts or opinions, or is offering them no choice in the matter (in a negative way), or somehow forcing them to do what suits the adult without any thought of their feelings or rights... because I don't see it.

those are two different conversations going on....Master and i have been together for 4 years, and even after 4 years if he were to call my children "His" or ask me how "His" children were doing, i'd probably have to ask Him how they could be His when He had nothing to do with creating them.

Master keeps me grounded with my children and everyday life as well. i mean, when i'm stressed over something the kids have done, it's Master who i turn to to calm me down or keep me going, but never in the 4 years we've been together has he ever referred to them as "His" and it would freak me out if He did because well, frankly, He's met them 3 times. yea, he's talked to them on the phone, He's bought them christmas presents, birthday presents, etc.. every year...and yes, He owns me, but that does not mean He owns my kids. i make the decisions about my kids, i discipline my kids, i get the last say about what happens with them and this will be the way it is even when we are living together. they are not part of our lifestyle. *shrugs* i'm not attacking you or your PYL CM, i'm just concerned that he would call your kids "His" when he doesn't even know them....

it's cool that He keeps you grounded, and i like that he has you outline your weekend with the kids that's great and i don't think that's the problem that anyone is having with the issue, it's the fact that He's calling Children He's never met "His" simply because He "owns" their mother......atleast that's the part that raised my hackles and made me go "what??!!??!"

as for children being called property, naw i don't like that either. yea, they are "mine" in a sense, but i don't "own" them. and as for the welfare/cps/system..haha don't get me started..it's a joke..and though it was put in place to protect the children, i assure you it does MUCH more harm to them than it does good...and 9 times out of 10 they do not rule in the best interest of the child. those courtrooms are set to be on CPS's side. whatever the caseworker says is the truth and the parents have no chance in those kangaroo courts. parents are forced to sign 'case plans' that are ridiculous but they sign them because they are threatened if they don't sign them, their kids will be yanked from their homes and put into foster homes....if it sounds like i speak from experience...yea..well..like i said, don't get me started....

 

[Etoile]

Why not leave it up to the kids? Tell them he's your boyfriend and let them decide if they want to be "his kids" too. Then again I don't know how old these kids are...maybe they're not old enough for that.

 

[Etoile]

i can't count how many times he's told me to stop what i'm doing, ride with him only to be told to wait in the car.

Oh I think that's sweet! I can imagine it must be a pain after a while, especially if you're interrupted in whatever you were doing, but I think it's sweet that he wants you to come along just for the ride.

 

[Netzach]

Why not leave it up to the kids? Tell them he's your boyfriend and let them decide if they want to be "his kids" too. Then again I don't know how old these kids are...maybe they're not old enough for that.

Hate to say it but whatever in the world you want that is actually how it will work, no matter what you encourage them to say/think.

 

[Etoile]

Hate to say it but whatever in the world you want that is actually how it will work, no matter what you encourage them to say/think.

My point was that there shouldn't be any encouragement. Just introduce the new "boyfriend" and let the kids adopt HIM or not, as they choose. Kids are smart, they will make the decision on their own.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Homburg]

I was explaining the thread to my roommate (who has heard far more about John [Master Darling™] than the boards have), and her reaction was that the "my children" is a behind closed doors support system thing that doesn't even involve the children, outside of the fact that it's one more tool (knowing the support is there) in my parenting toolbox. She sees no claims of property, no forcing of acceptance, no nonconsensual control. No desire to take control of the children or impact their lives in any manner, other than creating a supportive enough environment for me to thrive as the parent I already am.

That was certainly my take on it as well. If I'd ever met my pet's daughter, I would've shaken her hand and treated her like any other young woman. The verbage was an indication of support, nothing more.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Maybe it's because I don't have kids of my own, but I'm of the opinion that in most circumstances, we should give a little more credit to parents and trust their judgement in terms of what it best for their children. Unless proven otherwise, I assume that a mother knows better than me what hers and her kids needs are.

 

[FurryFury]

In the best of all possible worlds that would be true of both parents. Wouldn't that be wonderful if it were true.

CM brought up something she said she knew would be controversial. So I stated my very strong beliefs on the subject which come from being a child of divorce, observing those around me and being (at one time) a divorced parent with a child.

None of what I said was to question CM's parenting skills or for that matter anyones on this board.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[catalina_francisco]

In the best of all possible worlds that would be true of both parents. Wouldn't that be wonderful if it were true.

CM brought up something she said she knew would be controversial. So I stated my very strong beliefs on the subject which come from being a child of divorce, observing those around me and being (at one time) a divorced parent with a child.

None of what I said was to question CM's parenting skills or for that matter anyones on this board.

And apart from the part of being a child of divorce (though I think mine should have), I'm seconding what FF said. You know, I always wonder why it is when someone posts something they say they know is going to be controversial or attract some form of judgement or what is seen as a negative comment, others feel it is those who have commented who are wrong and not wonder why a person would post knowing it was going to attract such reactions if that was not what they were looking for. Sometimes it is a way of getting others to voice what is already in their mind, but which they do not feel comfortable voicing and so they look for some sort of validation, negative or positive.

IMHO, parenting is a very serious responsibility, and my way of approaching it was always to protect my children first, and never ever close down my feelings of intuition in regard to their safety around another person for any reason, even a possible relationship...it just was not worth it. CM says his words translate to his knowing she loves and cares for her children...for me it would be more likely that would be conveyed in words such as "I can see how much you love your children and I and our relationship will never interfere in your relationship with them as their mother, and support you all the way'...not 'as you belong to me, your children are also my property'...that to me is way loaded with a very strange thought process at best for me as a mother to overlook it.

Catalina