What makes an online D/s relationship work?

[CutieMouse]

"Desperation", on the other hand, not so much. And the implication that people seek out online relationships over real-life things because they're desperate is a rather stupid thing to say.

And yet if you hang out here long enough, you'll see a steady stream of people who turn to online BDSM because they are desperate [to a degree] -

Their partner isn't into it/wouldn't understand/thinks it's sick
They live in the middle of nowhere/closest munch is hours away
They're struggling with accepting their desires
They have the desire, but are (essentially) afraid of it
yadayadayada

 

[JMohegan]

Depends on the nature of the question. If a person's got both avenues available to him but goes for online exclusively, then we're talking general unwillingness to get involved and make it real - maybe they're not interested in anything other than dirty talk, maybe they're just too nervous about the whole thing, maybe their life is such that they realistically can't because of their work (or lack of it) or housing situation. If both avenues aren't available, then yes, lack of other options comes into it.

"Desperation", on the other hand, not so much. And the implication that people seek out online relationships over real-life things because they're desperate is a rather stupid thing to say.

Actually, what he said was that "Desperation and a lack of other options" would make an online relationship work.

Implicit in that assertion is the assumption that an in-person relationship is preferable to an online one (all other things being equal). I have never had an online relationship, so perhaps I'm missing something obvious here, but the relative advantages of an in-person relationship seem self-evident to me.

Looking at your list of reasons for seeking online exclusively, MS, unwillingness to get involved, simple interest in dirty talk, and general nervousness hardly seem likely to generate a committed and strong relationship over the long haul.

"Desperation and lack of other options" = having an urgent need, and no other way to address it. I don't see why he's wrong.

 

[JMohegan]

And yet if you hang out here long enough, you'll see a steady stream of people who turn to online BDSM because they are desperate [to a degree] -

Their partner isn't into it/wouldn't understand/thinks it's sick
They live in the middle of nowhere/closest munch is hours away
They're struggling with accepting their desires
They have the desire, but are (essentially) afraid of it
yadayadayada

Exactly.

 

[richard_daily]

I don't think that purely online relationships are healthy.

I realize that this may get a shit-storm of negative replies, but I think that to have a relationship work, you have to have real-life contact. You can present yourself however you want on-line, but the fact remains that there might be utter incompatibilities in real life that you will never find out until you actually meet and spend time together.

I wouldn't even recommend a long-distance relationship with someone you've never met. I tried long-distance relationships twice with women I already knew who moved away, and for me, there were too many issues that couldn't all be addressed. That said, if you can pull that off, more power to you.

I see it as a way to hide from dealing with issues with having a relationship in real life, contact with real people.

It's nice to meet people and be excited about it, but if you put yourself out there, you can get a lot more than just an internet relationship.

 

[Homburg]

Yeah. That's, um...that's an interesting opinion. Thanks for that, I'm sure it was very helpful.

Now run along while the adults talk for a bit. I'm sure there's a sandpit somewhere you can play in.

Except that he is older than you, been doing it longer, and, well, is largely correct. And I say largely correct not in that I dispute anything he says, but more that there are the rare few exceptions to that rule. Some people probably do get off on the distant, disconnected, anonymity of it. They are in the minority. Most people do so for the detailed reasons offered by the Mouse, but the core, sad as it may sound, is exactly what Marquis said.

Online D/s is simply not as satisfying compared to in-person interaction. It may piss off those whose only option is online, but it is flat true. If you want a soda, but your only option is water, and you're thirsty enough, you'll drink water. Beats the alternative, eh?

 

[dave's thing]

All very interestin comments and thoughts. Some deep, some very shallow, I disagree with none as they appear to work for those invloved, other wise why do it?

I offer my 2cents: I have have found that if you can make it online with the patience and dedication and time that it takes, it will work in person. Far more more thought and details are reveilled when the lust (or desire or what ever it is) is unachievable and as a result a better knowledge is gotten of the other person's side. It's worked for us and still works and gets better in person each time. There's a lot more patience and understanding too.

Just my experience

 

[Marquis]

I have never had an online relationship, so perhaps I'm missing something obvious here, but the relative advantages of an in-person relationship seem self-evident to me.

This is the old stuff, JMo, classically dry and measured with a real punchy finish.

I LOLed for a while on this one.

I offer my 2cents: I have have found that if you can make it online with the patience and dedication and time that it takes, it will work in person. Far more more thought and details are reveilled when the lust (or desire or what ever it is) is unachievable and as a result a better knowledge is gotten of the other person's side. It's worked for us and still works and gets better in person each time. There's a lot more patience and understanding too.

Just my experience

While I do think there is something to what you are saying, I'm not sure it always works out that way. I do think that a long distance relationship really highlights the importance of good conversation, something that is all too easily forgotten in person.

 

[intothewoods]

It all really depends on a number of factors, including the motivation of the people involved, and where they're at in their life.

My personal experience has been that many people (myself included) will project a fantasy onto the other person in that relationship. It can be extremely intoxicating and intense. We all may do this to some degree in the beginning of any relationship. I have experienced people who are very good at presenting a much better version of themselves. On the other hand, I don't think that presentation would have been as effective if I hadn't been in a position to eagerly eat it up.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm in an LDR with mostly on-line/ phone interaction. I have no desire to make it more than it is. It's the "have my cake and eat it, too" situation.

I LOVE my vanilla life. I love my husband, my children, my job, my family pizza nights, movie nights. PTA mom, girl scout leader type of life. They is no way I would ever give that up, for anything.

On the other hand I also love my D/s relationship and my PYL. We have fun, we are in love and his control over those aspects of my love that he chooses to control are complete.

Truthfully, I wouldn't want to live down the street from him. It would overly complicate all of our lives.

I am ecstatic to keep things just the way they are.

 

[JMohegan]

This is the old stuff, JMo, classically dry and measured with a real punchy finish.

I LOLed for a while on this one.

Good to see you, Marquis. How are you, man?

 

[ihavehope444]

This is a very interesting thread. I'm actually on the opposite side. Very inexperienced sub looking for an online relationship.

I had no idea what to say about myself or what to look for. Safety--both emotionally and physically (eventually) are paramount.

Making sure you build a friendship somehow with lots of communication that will eventually lead somewhere lasting--excellent advice!

I was wondering what to stay away from if I post that I'm interested. Are there any danger signs from a Dom? Good signs?

 

[ultramarineblue]

My personal reason when I would seek online interaction was because I was too afraid to seek anything real. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, and the bottom line is fear of living a more complete life. Don't get me wrong. I live but I've never sought out a real relationship beyond friendship. Online did not work for me personally. It led to more problems. I need the actual touch of another person.

The other thing is that some people inspire it and some people don't. I find that to be true in real life and online. I would suggest that instead of seeking an online relationship, you seek friendships instead. You can never have enough friends; you will learn things in the process; and you never know, something more may develop out of that.

 

[Marquis]

Good to see you, Marquis. How are you, man?

Not all that bad, all things considered.

I haven't found a new job yet which is really disappointing. I've already been through a lot of rejection and keeping myself in a place where I have the emotional strength to keep trying is not easy. Money is tighter than I wish it was and I have no health insurance for the first time in my life.

Things between lo and I are pretty good, I think. The BDSM aspects of our relationship cooled a lot in the last year or so and while I think it was great that we had the chance to work on our vanilla foundation; we both miss the kink more than a little. Bringing that kind of passion and sexual openness back into our relationship is going to take some work on both our parts and won't happen overnight, but it seems that we are on the same page in that we want to do it. We do have our areas of conflict here and there that sometimes get blown out of proportion, but aside from that I would say we have a very healthy and loving relationship.

When I'm not networking for a job, cold calling for a job, writing emails for a job, or browsing job sites for a job; I try to stay relaxed and happy with the simpler things in life. I prepare gourmet meals for my lover and myself and we watch movies together from Netflix, I'm reading a few books for fun and a few that I think will make me more marketable/skillful in my line of work and keep up with the news. I've finally started spending more time on the beach since it is right outside the door and I've pretty much ignored it for years. I bring a Nerf football with me and toss it around with whoever is up for it, and I've taken to swimming to the buoy that marks how far in the boats are permitted. It is 150 meters off shore where the water's depth is probably around 25 feet or more. It is a pretty exhilarating experiences and always leaves me feeling charged up.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Not all that bad, all things considered.
*snip*

/hijack

It's killing me...Who is your AV? It's been tormenting me since I saw it earlier. I feel like when (if) you tell me it will definitely be a head smack moment.

/end hijack

 

[intothewoods]

Hang in there, Marquis.

 

[Marquis]

/hijack

It's killing me...Who is your AV? It's been tormenting me since I saw it earlier. I feel like when (if) you tell me it will definitely be a head smack moment.

/end hijack

click me

Hang in there, Marquis.

 

[ultramarineblue]

click me

Yeah, that was more of a thud head against wall repeatedly. Thank you!

 

[JMohegan]

Not all that bad, all things considered.

I haven't found a new job yet which is really disappointing. I've already been through a lot of rejection and keeping myself in a place where I have the emotional strength to keep trying is not easy. Money is tighter than I wish it was and I have no health insurance for the first time in my life.

Things between lo and I are pretty good, I think. The BDSM aspects of our relationship cooled a lot in the last year or so and while I think it was great that we had the chance to work on our vanilla foundation; we both miss the kink more than a little. Bringing that kind of passion and sexual openness back into our relationship is going to take some work on both our parts and won't happen overnight, but it seems that we are on the same page in that we want to do it. We do have our areas of conflict here and there that sometimes get blown out of proportion, but aside from that I would say we have a very healthy and loving relationship.

When I'm not networking for a job, cold calling for a job, writing emails for a job, or browsing job sites for a job; I try to stay relaxed and happy with the simpler things in life. I prepare gourmet meals for my lover and myself and we watch movies together from Netflix, I'm reading a few books for fun and a few that I think will make me more marketable/skillful in my line of work and keep up with the news. I've finally started spending more time on the beach since it is right outside the door and I've pretty much ignored it for years. I bring a Nerf football with me and toss it around with whoever is up for it, and I've taken to swimming to the buoy that marks how far in the boats are permitted. It is 150 meters off shore where the water's depth is probably around 25 feet or more. It is a pretty exhilarating experiences and always leaves me feeling charged up.

*lifting my glass to life's simple pleasures*

The downturn won't last forever. Cheers to you and lo.

 

[bobz808]

So it's a shyness or lack of confidence issue. Okay.

When you describe yourself as an "inexperienced dom," are you saying that you are inexperienced in general, or just inexperienced when it comes to D/s?

I ask, because it seems relevant to pinpoint whether it is women in general, or D/s in particular, that you fear. If the latter, then I would attempt to dispel any mystique about the process and participants. If the former, that's a totally different subject.

it is just the D/s i am inexperienced with, it is something i have been interested in for a while and would like to explore further.

I am thankful for all of the input because i want try and avoid some pitfuls that inexperienced people may face

 

[kittensmaster]

I am an inexperienced dom looking to get into a D/s relationship online only and I was wondering how best to make it work from both the sub and dom point of views, any suggestions anyone?

Complete trust

 

[gypsy*seer]

Complete trust

I am looking to try this also, but I am finding it very frustrating...

 

[JMohegan]

it is just the D/s i am inexperienced with, it is something i have been interested in for a while and would like to explore further.

I am thankful for all of the input because i want try and avoid some pitfuls that inexperienced people may face

Near the top of the list of pitfalls is the erroneous assumption that there's some mystique, aura, or impediment that makes satisfying D/s something you might never obtain.

Tap into your natural urges to control, or be in charge. Spend time thinking about what turns you on, as an individual. If you're wired this way, don't think of D/s as something magical and foreign; think of it as the most natural thing in the world.

The choice to look online vs. in person is yours, of course. But please consider that lots of people start off in person and do just fine. Many others started exploring D/s before the Internet was even born.

You'll need self-awareness, partner-awareness, and self-confidence. None of that has anything to do with electronics of any kind.

 

[Marquis]

Near the top of the list of pitfalls is the erroneous assumption that there's some mystique, aura, or impediment that makes satisfying D/s something you might never obtain.

Tap into your natural urges to control, or be in charge. Spend time thinking about what turns you on, as an individual. If you're wired this way, don't think of D/s as something magical and foreign; think of it as the most natural thing in the world.

The choice to look online vs. in person is yours, of course. But please consider that lots of people start off in person and do just fine. Many others started exploring D/s before the Internet was even born.

You'll need self-awareness, partner-awareness, and self-confidence. None of that has anything to do with electronics of any kind.

Agree completely, especially with the text in bold.

I also want to add that it does take some sacrifice, once you have decided that this is what you want, you will be tested (constantly and forever) and you must be unwilling to compromise and accept a vanilla relationship or that is what you will get.

Or you will get no relationship and watch a beautifully kinky woman walk out the door and wonder why.

 

[KayKat]

Trust plain and simple!

 

[jolie_domme]

They don't.