What makes an online D/s relationship work?

[ecstaticsub]

They don't.

My on-line/long-distance relationship has been working just fine for almost 4 years. That's longer than many marriages.

 

[ResAris]

My on-line/long-distance relationship has been working just fine for almost 4 years. That's longer than many marriages.

Would the relationship have worked if restricted to online interaction alone? The key to making this kind of relationship successful seems to be the willingness of each partner to supplement the online interaction with real life contact. Without it, trust eventually evaporates and the relationship soon follows.

 

[Homburg]

Would the relationship have worked if restricted to online interaction alone? The key to making this kind of relationship successful seems to be the willingness of each partner to supplement the online interaction with real life contact. Without it, trust eventually evaporates and the relationship soon follows.

Captains Wench went three years before meeting her beau. They had their issues, like any relationship, but stuck together.

 

[FurryFury]

Just like any relationship, if both people are loyal, focused and caring toward one another it can work.

 

[gypsy*seer]

Captains Wench went three years before meeting her beau. They had their issues, like any relationship, but stuck together.

Thanks! This is very encouraging to know...

 

[ResAris]

Just like any relationship, if both people are loyal, focused and caring toward one another it can work.

Ah, but there's the rub. How can one be sure the other is being loyal? And what constitutes loyalty? Does the expectation of loyalty extend to only other members of that online community, or should it also include RL relationships? Obviously, the parameters of the relationship should be clearly spelled out and agreed to by both parties early on. However, even if the "rules" of the relationship are stipulated up front, without some means of assessing the veracity of the others' devotion to those rules (phone, vent, cam, physical contact), it all boils down to trust. Blind trust at that. Eventually, without some corroborating evidence to support that trust, the trust evaporates.

 

[Homburg]

it all boils down to trust. Blind trust at that. Eventually, without some corroborating evidence to support that trust, the trust evaporates.

Now, I'm the first guy to be against LDR with no contact, but I just don't see how that last line can be stated as true. You are taking your own experience or tendency and projecting it on others. Not everyone is going to have trust issues.

 

[ResAris]

Now, I'm the first guy to be against LDR with no contact, but I just don't see how that last line can be stated as true. You are taking your own experience or tendency and projecting it on others. Not everyone is going to have trust issues.

Isn't that what this forum is about? Personal experience is all we have to go on. Someone asks "what has been your experience with [insert experiential nugget here]", and only those posters offering a positive one are considered valid? I'm not projecting anything, but thank you for our pseudo-psychological assessment. Trust has to be earned, any way yo slice it. It cannot be earned by someone simply saying "trust me". That is the crux of my argument.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

Isn't that what this forum is about? Personal experience is all we have to go on. Someone asks "what has been your experience with [insert experiential nugget here]", and only those posters offering a positive one are considered valid? I'm not projecting anything, but thank you for our pseudo-psychological assessment. Trust has to be earned, any way yo slice it. It cannot be earned by someone simply saying "trust me". That is the crux of my argument.

The same could be said though for a f2f D/s/M/s relationship or even a vanilla relationship for that matter. I know people who have gone years thinking they know someone, and trusting that person, to finding out they were nothing like they projected.

There are many here who have experienced an online only relationship for months, even years at a time, and have survived trust, distance, hurdles and obstacles- when it's right though, it's right, and if it's stricly through online, then kudos to those that survive.

 

[purrrrrtee]

trust, commitment... and true caring for one another... and it helps if communication exists..

 

[FurryFury]

Ah, but there's the rub. How can one be sure the other is being loyal? And what constitutes loyalty? Does the expectation of loyalty extend to only other members of that online community, or should it also include RL relationships? Obviously, the parameters of the relationship should be clearly spelled out and agreed to by both parties early on. However, even if the "rules" of the relationship are stipulated up front, without some means of assessing the veracity of the others' devotion to those rules (phone, vent, cam, physical contact), it all boils down to trust. Blind trust at that. Eventually, without some corroborating evidence to support that trust, the trust evaporates.

Loyalty as I see it is when you make that person and that relationship a priority. Does it mean there can't be other people that each one is involved with? No. I'm married after all.

When I've had an online relationship I've always wanted the person I was having it with to have every good thing in their life. That includes someone to really play with and fuck skin to skin.

I never cared if my Dom had more subs as long as I got my time and wasn't neglected. As long as that was done my trust always remained, at least my trust in them.

I don't do phone, video or cam. I might meet someone at a Litogether but playing skin to skin won't happen until or if I'm ever single. Anyone who started off demanding a pic to make sure I'm female or something didn't get very far with me.

Blind trust, yes that's a good start but it should be substantiated by what you do together, IMO. Believe me the liars become quite clear, quite early. I tend to trust people a solid certain amount until they give me reason not to in every part of my life.

I do agree with the part of you post I put in bold. That would be true of any relationship online or not though.

 

[Homburg]

Isn't that what this forum is about? Personal experience is all we have to go on. Someone asks "what has been your experience with [insert experiential nugget here]", and only those posters offering a positive one are considered valid? I'm not projecting anything, but thank you for our pseudo-psychological assessment. Trust has to be earned, any way yo slice it. It cannot be earned by someone simply saying "trust me". That is the crux of my argument.

I admit, I got a good laugh off your first line there

Still, no, it was not intended as pseudo-psychological analysis. It was literal. You are projecting your opinion onto everyone with the verbage you chose. Including a line like "in my experience" helps prevent this.

Your previous post, as quoted, has the feel of personal experience, yet no explicit statement in regards, and is presented as unequivocable truth applicable to all. I don't disagree with the core of your argument. I just disagree with it when it is presented as truth for all.

 

[Adakgirl]

Desperation and a lack of other options.

I agree completely with this statement and I agree from the standpoint of only having experienced on-line D/s relationships myself.

Online D/s is simply not as satisfying compared to in-person interaction. It may piss off those whose only option is online, but it is flat true. If you want a soda, but your only option is water, and you're thirsty enough, you'll drink water. Beats the alternative, eh?

Homberg, as you know I am a person whose only option is on-line. Your words do not piss me off in the least because you are absolutely right. What you said is the flat truth. I just don't understand why real lifers think that on-line only people don't get it. I certainly do. You won't read me arguing that on-line D/s can compare to real life relationships...in fact they are completely different. I believe they are two totally different kinds of relationships.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Would the relationship have worked if restricted to online interaction alone? The key to making this kind of relationship successful seems to be the willingness of each partner to supplement the online interaction with real life contact. Without it, trust eventually evaporates and the relationship soon follows.

When I first met my Dominant I lived over 2000 miles away from him. I visit family in the state where he lives on a fairly regular basis so the fact that it was possible (on a practical level) to meet him in person was a definite plus. He even had a rule he shared with me "meet or delete" lol In the first 3 years we were able to get together every few months.

Unfortunately, in the last year we have only be able to meet up twice. Our relationship is just as strong as when we saw each other more often. They have been absolutely no trust issues. We are both married so we both get plenty of vanilla sex. I am not allowed to bottom or date or have sex with others. I have never broken this rule. He is allowed to do whatever he wants but he has chosen not to. As he says "just because I can, doesn't mean I should".

We do phone, cam, i make video for him. But I have never done so to prove that I have accomplished a task or as verification for anything. He trusts me because I have never given him a reason not to trust me.

I want to be his submissive. I want to submit. If I choose not to obey and then lie about it then that is not submission. If I ever got to that point I would ask to be released. A submissive who does not honestly submit is not a submissive whether they are on-line, LDR or in person.

My husband is military. He has been on extended deployments twice. Just because we didn't see each other for months and months did not lessen our trust in each other or destroy our relationship. My D/s relationship is similiar in this regard.