When your marriage has 2 very different sexual appetites, what to do

[firmbutgentle]

Has anyone actually successfully nagivated a mismatch in sexual desires in a marriage? I'm not interested in divorcing my husband or going outside of my marriage but I am having a hard time having to always initiate sex and never feeling truly desired. We have young kids so I can understand that he is tired from both home and work stress, but understanding that doesn't really make me feel better emotionally. This is probably anti-feminist and a result of social conditioning but I feel pathetic and inadequate as a woman being the one to desire my male partner more. Are there really any real solutions or do you just have to accept your sex life for what it is if you want to keep your marriage?

I don't think I have exactly the same problem -- I don't necessarily feel undesired because if I initiate sex it'll happen, which suits my predilections anyway, but if I don't, we could go two weeks with nothing happening. I don't end up feeling unsatisfied/unattractive, but I don't feel particularly desired either.

The position you're in sounds more difficult and I'm sorry that's happening to you. I am (very) happy in almost every other aspect of our relationship, so like you I don't want to look elsewhere, but part of why I'm here is to indulge those sides of myself.

 

[Lady2020]

Again, I'm glad I'm single. No more throne chairs, no more gaslighting, no more I'm not that into you, no more it's not me it's your mom who has problems. Settle or get the fuck out.

 

[Strixaluco]

I don't think I have exactly the same problem -- I don't necessarily feel undesired because if I initiate sex it'll happen, which suits my predilections anyway, but if I don't, we could go two weeks with nothing happening. I don't end up feeling unsatisfied/unattractive, but I don't feel particularly desired either.

The position you're in sounds more difficult and I'm sorry that's happening to you. I am (very) happy in almost every other aspect of our relationship, so like you I don't want to look elsewhere, but part of why I'm here is to indulge those sides of myself.

2 weeks? I would have been very happy with only 2 months with nothing happening with my late husband. Even if I did try to to initiate something. And with my first ex too.

 

[firmbutgentle]

2 weeks? I would have been very happy with only 2 months with nothing happening with my late husband. Even if I did try to to initiate something. And with my first ex too.

That's terrible, I'm sorry. I do realize I'm not exactly talking about the same thing.

 

[Bbl87]

The thing is we have a good partnership and a good life that Im not interested in giving up, despite the lack of sexual satisfaction. I dont regret marrying my husband. And we do have sex. I just dont want it to feel like hes doing me a favor. But I dont see a solution either. He can pretend to want it and even have sex with me more but that doesnt solve my fundamental issue, which is his actual lack of desire. Maybe its just something I have to mentally get over.

I feel like we have very similar experiences, from opposite sides if the marriage.

I've said it before when discussing my situation, but frequency of sex is only part of the problem. I've said it almost feels like my wife loves me but is not in love with me, if that makes sense. Feeling wanted and desired is an important part of a romantic relationship, and when it's missing it definitely feels like a gaping void in your life.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

The thing is we have a good partnership and a good life that Im not interested in giving up, despite the lack of sexual satisfaction. I dont regret marrying my husband. And we do have sex. I just dont want it to feel like hes doing me a favor. But I dont see a solution either. He can pretend to want it and even have sex with me more but that doesnt solve my fundamental issue, which is his actual lack of desire. Maybe its just something I have to mentally get over.

There do seem to be a lot of women who come to the Lit forums seeking affirmation from other members that they are desirable, and they often find it from other men and women on the site. For you, this raises a question. Are you feeling that you are not desirable, or does his like of desire result in a lack of sexual satisfaction in your relationship.
If you understand the distinction I'm trying to draw.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

There do seem to be a lot of women who come to the Lit forums seeking affirmation from other members that they are desirable, and they often find it from other men and women on the site. For you, this raises a question. Are you feeling that you are not desirable, or does his like of desire result in a lack of sexual satisfaction in your relationship.
If you understand the distinction I'm trying to draw.

It is the latter. I dont suffer from general self esteem issues and i dont need any affirmation. Im sure there are some people who do find me desirable and some people who dont. Im only lamenting that the person who I married does not currently seem to fit in the right group.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

It is the latter. I dont suffer from general self esteem issues and i dont need any affirmation. Im sure there are some people who do find me desirable and some people who dont. Im only lamenting that the person who I married does not currently seem to fit in the right group.

That is very challenging, and it makes it difficult for anyone in Lit to offer much help. You can find understanding here, of course. You have seen that.
I assume you had a more satisfying sex life with him before you were married?
Did things change when the kids came along, or before that?

 

[GregThickDix]

Has anyone actually successfully nagivated a mismatch in sexual desires in a marriage? I'm not interested in divorcing my husband or going outside of my marriage but I am having a hard time having to always initiate sex and never feeling truly desired. We have young kids so I can understand that he is tired from both home and work stress, but understanding that doesn't really make me feel better emotionally. This is probably anti-feminist and a result of social conditioning but I feel pathetic and inadequate as a woman being the one to desire my male partner more. Are there really any real solutions or do you just have to accept your sex life for what it is if you want to keep your marriage?

Open up to him and ask him point blank questions about how you feel. Some people have no idea that their actions are affecting others. My wife and I have had discussions and they have helped. Initiating is a 2 way street that shows desire, love, lust and all of the things that make sex so much better. Your husband being too tired for sex, sounds suspect and if stressed, well, sex relieves stress. Giving him the benefit of doubt, lets say he doesn't have desire, start figuring out why. Maybe its low testosterone, or he is unfit. Maybe you both are unfit and that is part of the problem and yeah, young kids and diets do take a toll on both of your outward appearance. Time to tune up the body, because you both only have one. I weighted 25 lbs more in my early 40's before I changed and although I still ache and creek ever time I get out of a chair, I look better and sex is a hell of a lot better. Stamina and lasting longer is the benefit, and sometimes I wear out my wife. The point is, something has got to give and you need answers. Good luck.

 

[Strixaluco]

Regarding testosterone... Had I insisted my late husband got checked, his cancer might have been found in time instead of when it had spread all over the bones.

And even if it is (like usually, luckily!) nothing serious, there can be help and life quality to be found. Low testosterone makes one tired, too.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Has anyone actually successfully nagivated a mismatch in sexual desires in a marriage? I'm not interested in divorcing my husband or going outside of my marriage but I am having a hard time having to always initiate sex and never feeling truly desired. We have young kids so I can understand that he is tired from both home and work stress, but understanding that doesn't really make me feel better emotionally. This is probably anti-feminist and a result of social conditioning but I feel pathetic and inadequate as a woman being the one to desire my male partner more. Are there really any real solutions or do you just have to accept your sex life for what it is if you want to keep your marriage

You’ve already got a lot of responses that you’re not alone and so I don't want to be repetitive. I do have a strong reaction to your ”anti-feminist” comment as I think you’re actually being the opposite, Feminism to me is about equality and the fact that you need more from your relationship and are expressing it I think is powerful and very far from being pathetic. I can very much relate to your situation and your description of there being an imbalance in sex drive is how I try and make sense of it. What was particularly jarring was not just the reduction of frequency but also the variety and quality, I’ve also later in life realized that my sex drive is very high and always has been, I just wish I knew that earlier. Also like you and a lot of people on this discussion our partnership for everything else in life is wonderful and she is the person I always want to spend time with. It is really hard to have these conversations with our loved ones, one thing that has sometime worked for me has been using non sex language but still about intimacy such as feeling lonely.

 

[Strixaluco]

I’ve also later in life realized that my sex drive is very high and always has been, I just wish I knew that earlier.

Isn't it odd and sad that one can not realise it early on? It happened to me as well. With my 2nd ex I finally found out the level of my sex drive.

 

[Wishingbox]

Isn't it odd and sad that one can not realise it early on? It happened to me as well. With my 2nd ex I finally found out the level of my sex drive.

I completely agree.

I think society talks a lot as sex being an act and drive as being fixed. But it’s a journey of experiences and self discovery. I think setting up the expectation that you will change your perception of sex and yourself and we should discuss how we support that in our partners.

Though I think some people really fear admitting that reality because they say to themselves “what if that journey leads them away from me/us, and goes beyond where I can follow” so then they sabotage that journey in themselves and their partner which creates a potentially worse cluster fuck later by pretending it went away.

But we don’t generally do that when someone explores a hobby like athletics etc.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

Isn't it odd and sad that one can not realise it early on? It happened to me as well. With my 2nd ex I finally found out the level of my sex drive.

Would it have helped to realize earlier? What would you have done differently? What if people just change? Maybe a partner starts off with a high sex drive then it decreases but the other partner doesnt?

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

I completely agree.

I think society talks a lot as sex being an act and drive as being fixed. But it’s a journey of experiences and self discovery. I think setting up the expectation that you will change your perception of sex and yourself and we should discuss how we support that in our partners.

Though I think some people really fear admitting that reality because they say to themselves “what if that journey leads them away from me/us, and goes beyond where I can follow” so then they sabotage that journey in themselves and their partner which creates a potentially worse cluster fuck later by pretending it went away.

But we don’t generally do that when someone explores a hobby like athletics etc.

Its not totally a fair comparison. We dont have the concept of monogamy or intimacy in hobbies. If i dont like the way my husband knits, i can go knit with 5 other people. That would be totally acceptable by society and no one will have their feelings hurt. Not so much when it comes to sex so if one person desires much more than the other. It creates problems that hobby mismatches dont. Most of us are not enlightened enough to know how to nagivate fullfilling our sexual desires outside of our partner without hurt feelings and maybe more dramatic consequences.

 

[Bbl87]

Would it have helped to realize earlier? What would you have done differently? What if people just change? Maybe a partner starts off with a high sex drive then it decreases but the other partner doesnt?

Very valid questions.

My sex drive increased for sure post-wedding, and even more after I moved to a new job a couple years ago. The confidence boost that I got from not being in a dead end job anymore did alot.

My wife was the opposite, hers seemed to tank right after our wedding. I've wondered if it just wasn't that high to begin with and she just faked it to make it, but I don't know.

I've looked back and thought maybe I missed signs, but don't think I really did because the change really did happen post-wedding.

We had a "fight" about sex recently, didn't go well at the time, but she came back a couple days with a proposal I couldn't pass up involving some things she plans to do between now and Christmas. So far, so good. I'm excited about it, but my big question is lasting change because things have gone well for a couple weeks in the past then fallen back.

Even when you can have a conversation and come up with a plan or ideas, maintaining the effort and making the change stick is the hardest part.

Something I tried to emphasize when we talked about it was it isn't just me wanting sex. Sex is a part of it, but intimacy and closeness was what I really really crave. And I added that want to have a vibrant sex life, and I WANT to have it with her. I think emphasizing that may have made a difference in how she thought about it afterwards, maybe.

 

[adamISOeve]

Its not totally a fair comparison. We dont have the concept of monogamy or intimacy in hobbies. If i dont like the way my husband knits, i can go knit with 5 other people. That would be totally acceptable by society and no one will have their feelings hurt. Not so much when it comes to sex so if one person desires much more than the other. It creates problems that hobby mismatches dont. Most of us are not enlightened enough to know how to nagivate fullfilling our sexual desires outside of our partner without hurt feelings and maybe more dramatic consequences.

I like your post, extra-ordinary “Ordinary”, because you put your finger on what truly counts and matters: How have “morals”, i.e. societal norms, contributed to ordinary people getting their well-being fucked up. When very much to be expected, and hence “normal” differences in sex drives between two partners come into play.

If all that moralizing did not exist, you could enjoy sex with a partner outside your mariage who matches your drive. And you would not need to bother your husband for stuff he is not truly enjoying. And you and your husband could enjoy together what you do enjoy.

 

[Strixaluco]

I completely agree.

I think society talks a lot as sex being an act and drive as being fixed. But it’s a journey of experiences and self discovery. I think setting up the expectation that you will change your perception of sex and yourself and we should discuss how we support that in our partners.

Though I think some people really fear admitting that reality because they say to themselves “what if that journey leads them away from me/us, and goes beyond where I can follow” so then they sabotage that journey in themselves and their partner which creates a potentially worse cluster fuck later by pretending it went away.

But we don’t generally do that when someone explores a hobby like athletics etc.

To be fair, sometimes that journey indeed does lead away from the current partner - like any journey, mental our emotional.

 

[Strixaluco]

Would it have helped to realize earlier? What would you have done differently? What if people just change? Maybe a partner starts off with a high sex drive then it decreases but the other partner doesnt?

I might have realised earlier that the problem was I just didn't quite want sex with my first ex... He was the wrong partner for me in many ways, though a good man.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

I might have realised earlier that the problem was I just didn't quite want sex with my first ex... He was the wrong partner for me in many ways, though a good man.

So you thought you had low sex drive but really you just didnt want sex with your partner? Did the relationship break up because of sex or something else?

 

[adamISOeve]

........

Something I tried to emphasize when we talked about it was it isn't just me wanting sex. Sex is a part of it, but intimacy and closeness was what I really really crave. And I added that want to have a vibrant sex life, and I WANT to have it with her. I think emphasizing that may have made a difference in how she thought about it afterwards, maybe.

Even in a case like yours, Bbl87, if outside-of-marriage sex were not ostracized as it is now, I can imagine your wife and you getting together for occasional intimacy and sex with each other. ... When you get your regular needs filled by someone else, there might not be any resentments between the two of you.

 

[Bbl87]

Even in a case like yours, Bbl87, if outside-of-marriage sex were not ostracized as it is now, I can imagine your wife and you getting together for occasional intimacy and sex with each other. ... When you get your regular needs filled by someone else, there might not be any resentments between the two of you.

I can't argue with that. The thought of exploring an open marriage has crossed my mind, but I don't think she would be remotely receptive to it. All things being equal, though, my ideal situation would in fact be a fulfilling, monogamous relationship.

 

[Strixaluco]

So you thought you had low sex drive but really you just didnt want sex with your partner? Did the relationship break up because of sex or something else?

Well, I realised I should still grow up a bit, but into a direction that was incompatible with staying in that relationship. I wanted a stronger partner, too. Also I realised I want kids, but not with him...

And now thinking back - I've realised I am submissive, and he's as far from dominant as one can be, he sometimes gave in without me realising he did that. So no wonder I wanted something else.

When we met, I was eating p-pills. The countdown began when I stopped eating them. They had fucked up my choice of partner, and also they changed my personality somewhat.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

I like your post, extra-ordinary “Ordinary”, because you put your finger on what truly counts and matters: How have “morals”, i.e. societal norms, contributed to ordinary people getting their well-being fucked up. When very much to be expected, and hence “normal” differences in sex drives between two partners come into play.

If all that moralizing did not exist, you could enjoy sex with a partner outside your mariage who matches your drive. And you would not need to bother your husband for stuff he is not truly enjoying. And you and your husband could enjoy together what you do enjoy.

I dont think its necessarily all outright moralizing... ive never gone to church and intellectually i can understand the appeal of two people together just for sex with no attachments or anything else expected but i just dont know if that can happen in real life for most people. I mean as social animals we are all affected by and a product of, societal norms to some degree. While id love for sex to be as compartmentalized as say knitting. It just isnt for most people. And thats not even considering hormones and whatever happens in your brain when you do have sex with someone.

 

[Bbl87]

I wanted a stronger partner, too. Also I realised I want kids, but not with him...

And now thinking back - I've realised I am submissive, and he's as far from dominant as one can be, he sometimes gave in without me realising he did that. So no wonder I wanted something else.

And I think that is something that can also be affected by the individual relationship and history of that relationship. Not saying that is the case in your relationship, but it is very much so in mine.

One of the things we discussed during our "fight" recently was that she said she wanted me to be more confident/dominant. I pointed out how that has been something that has really changed for me (see my previous post about job change). I'm MUCH more confident today than when we got married. But that hasn't translated over to our sex life. Why? The disfunction, as I would call it, runs a bit deeper and after you've been turned down repeatedly and/or start to feel undesired, it takes more than just a confidence boost to overcome that. I can be plenty dominant when we do bondage play, but as far as initiating and things like that, that's something I'm still not there with yet. It'll take time, if she's willing to work on it.