When your marriage has 2 very different sexual appetites, what to do

[Wishingbox]

I agree with so much of this thread and it hits home. My wife of almost 15 years is amazing in so many ways but our drives and fundamental desire to explore our own physical pleasures are very very different.

Like many she tries to be a good sport and I don’t mind carrying the majority of the work or even initiating.

I hate having to hide true drives or self exploration that sucks. Being on Lit is a blessing and a curse.

It’s not like sex isn’t fun for her and I prioritize her orgasm before mine 99 out of 100. So it’s good but she’s be content with missionary 1 a month give or take.

She never really masturbated and still doesn’t while I think there is so much value in discovering yourself and what feels good. Sexual acts are such relaxing and healthy experiences.

We have I’d say way above average communication. Who knows as some say whether when we’re empty nesters and she’s no long able to get pregnant if things will change but I don’t have any hope in that.

 

[bozinka]

So…reading through the entire thread and realizing I may be the only wife here in the same frustrating situation.

Definitely not the only woman. Our desire for frequency is probably about the same but our idea of what is fun and fulfilling is very different. One is very vanilla (although GREAT vanilla) and one is more on the experimental side. This has been an ongoing struggle for us for sure. Lots of talking through it. Trying to figure out how to try new things. But it's definitely been a source of frustration.

 

[Wishingbox]

Has anyone tried the Kindu app with their spouse?

We’ve used it some with ok success. I usually have to ask her to do it otherwise she wouldn’t fill it out. She probably says no to 99% of the items but it does help facilitate conversations some. It also helps break the ice some on taking about sexual activities. As well as introduce things that might be worth trying or exploring which either person might not know of.

Even if it’s a no today maybe just having the idea out there and having heard of it might get thoughts or curiosities rolling.

One time she just asked me to ask the questions for her and so I did and that was intimate in its own way.

Overall not this life changing experience but for those looking for how to break the ice and try to dialogue more this might help facilitate that.

I’m curious if anyone else has used this or anything similar?

 

[vodiodo69]

So…reading through the entire thread and realizing I may be the only wife here in the same frustrating situation.

No I am too. I am climbing the walls. Masturbating is one thing, but not the real thing. How long?

 

[Ingenue844]

No I am too. I am climbing the walls. Masturbating is one thing, but not the real thing. How long?

exactly how I feel

 

[vodiodo69]

exactly how I feel

Sad

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Has anyone tried the Kindu app with their spouse?

We’ve used it some with ok success. I usually have to ask her to do it otherwise she wouldn’t fill it out. She probably says no to 99% of the items but it does help facilitate conversations some. It also helps break the ice some on taking about sexual activities. As well as introduce things that might be worth trying or exploring which either person might not know of.

Even if it’s a no today maybe just having the idea out there and having heard of it might get thoughts or curiosities rolling.

One time she just asked me to ask the questions for her and so I did and that was intimate in its own way.

Overall not this life changing experience but for those looking for how to break the ice and try to dialogue more this might help facilitate that.

I’m curious if anyone else has used this or anything similar?

I started BlueHeart app. But just me. I also asked, if she would like to go to a couples thereapy.
She said that she was not keen on going. She said that they would just try to convince her to have sex more often, and that she is happy with it 2-4 times per month. She is pretty much against the things that you read for couples to try. Different sex positions. No. Different places. Rather not. Spice it up a little with something else? Get freakin real! No.
Since we have a 9 year old, we need to line up a babysitter to go. We do not have anyone we know for this, so must line up something. Hard to do. Very hard to please wifey on anything. Something is always an issue.

It is sad how it is, but 10 years ago we were in the exact same boat, but no kid. An available woman picked me up. Had I been taken care of at home, it would have been easy to resist. But I was not taken care of.

Sooner or later, the empty bucket left outside will get some water in it.

 

[LTMMC]

I agree with so much of this thread and it hits home. My wife of almost 15 years is amazing in so many ways but our drives and fundamental desire to explore our own physical pleasures are very very different.

Like many she tries to be a good sport and I don’t mind carrying the majority of the work or even initiating.

I hate having to hide true drives or self exploration that sucks. Being on Lit is a blessing and a curse.

It’s not like sex isn’t fun for her and I prioritize her orgasm before mine 99 out of 100. So it’s good but she’s be content with missionary 1 a month give or take.

She never really masturbated and still doesn’t while I think there is so much value in discovering yourself and what feels good. Sexual acts are such relaxing and healthy experiences.

We have I’d say way above average communication. Who knows as some say whether when we’re empty nesters and she’s no long able to get pregnant if things will change but I don’t have any hope in that.

I read your post three times, Wishingbox, and I found what you report both amazing and something to learn from. On the one hand, you still have sex with your wife, even sex she enjoys, but I would not call it making love. To me it sounds more like a therapy session.

Your particular marriage seems a perfect example for illustrating the title of this thread: she and you simply have entirely different sex drives, and needs for different kinds of sex. Now WHY do I ask, have most Western human societies never “hammered out” an amicable solution for such discrepancies?

I posit that organized religions have been the culprit mostly, driving some organized “moralism”, which inhibits any meaningful progress. For if we did not have this moralism, wives who just don’t feel very sexual like yours, would not have to feel bad about their deficit (like yours seems to) and husbands like you wouldn’t have to feel bad either, about making love with somebody else. With a woman who shares your desires.

All societies would need to do is take “one small step”: separate conceptionally the desires for being married from the desires for making love. Or for having the lewdest kind of sex. And make it completely acceptable for sexually active married folks to seek partnes for sex outside of their marriages.

What is so damned difficult for taking this small step, I keep asking myself? Only moralists, like those found in large numbers inside organized religion, are standing in the way, so I claim.

 

[shizzz]

Yep, to a T

I knew there had to others out there like me in the same situation. We are close to becoming empty nesters and I hoped we would rekindle that love life we had back before kids. Sounds like if that is my hope, I am fucked too.

So, I do give my wife great orgasms both digitally, and with the use of my cock. I am well endowed and she gets sore after a while and does need a few days to recover. Ever masturbate and find your wife in the mood and you end up lasting far too long?

Ever faked it because you know she is starting to wonder when you are going to shoot your load?

I have faked it to finish. I’m in a very similar boat. However I’d add in her affair years ago and how it has undermined my confidence. So when she doesn’t want me I grow paranoid. However we had the talks about need to to feel wanted and all that. I’ve also grown irritated with the same old sex all the time. So I’ve stopped. Stopped trying, although I wake up some mornings with my hands wandering her body.

But I can’t take the hurt and the turndowns anymore.

I spent a period where we took sex off the table. It was my way of showing her I don’t do all the things I do just to get laid, cause I still did them when sex was off the table.

Long story short I’m lost. I stopped trying to have sex. I feel horribly guilty about the porn and all those things. But our kids ate a mess. Work is crazier than ever and the situation with her family is a mess.

So there really is no time for me. I try not to take it personally and I’ll plow through the next few years and hope as things ease up life gets better.

 

[NEOhio1972]

Amen to all that!!

CHEAT!!!!! Life is too short!!!!!

But that may just be me......

Oh, and MS turn are a lot!! Lol

 

[tnh_06]

I agree with Elite_Goblin wholeheartedly. You can suggest many a thing to try to move the conversation forward, but if the answer to a simple conversation is no, then all the answers past that have already been rendered.

 

[Wishingbox]

I have faked it to finish. I’m in a very similar boat. However I’d add in her affair years ago and how it has undermined my confidence. So when she doesn’t want me I grow paranoid. However we had the talks about need to to feel wanted and all that. I’ve also grown irritated with the same old sex all the time. So I’ve stopped. Stopped trying, although I wake up some mornings with my hands wandering her body.

But I can’t take the hurt and the turndowns anymore.

I spent a period where we took sex off the table. It was my way of showing her I don’t do all the things I do just to get laid, cause I still did them when sex was off the table.

Long story short I’m lost. I stopped trying to have sex. I feel horribly guilty about the porn and all those things. But our kids ate a mess. Work is crazier than ever and the situation with her family is a mess.

So there really is no time for me. I try not to take it personally and I’ll plow through the next few years and hope as things ease up life gets better.

Not being able to take the rejection any more really hits home. It feels like I both have to initiate and also have no control. I know it won’t happen for a few days after sex but if I don’t start trying after that when will it happen. But that means I end up feeling rejected a lot of the time.

I also hate that sex is the last thing in the day for her. So I don’t find out if it’s a go or no go until then and then if I got my hopes up it sucks. I’ve gone through my fair share of “I give up trying” phases but it never seems to help.

I try to communicate better which helps somewhat even if it’s a no I at least I sometimes avoid the pent up sex let down.

 

[Wishingbox]

I read your post three times, Wishingbox, and I found what you report both amazing and something to learn from. On the one hand, you still have sex with your wife, even sex she enjoys, but I would not call it making love. To me it sounds more like a therapy session.

Your particular marriage seems a perfect example for illustrating the title of this thread: she and you simply have entirely different sex drives, and needs for different kinds of sex. Now WHY do I ask, have most Western human societies never “hammered out” an amicable solution for such discrepancies?

I posit that organized religions have been the culprit mostly, driving some organized “moralism”, which inhibits any meaningful progress. For if we did not have this moralism, wives who just don’t feel very sexual like yours, would not have to feel bad about their deficit (like yours seems to) and husbands like you wouldn’t have to feel bad either, about making love with somebody else. With a woman who shares your desires.

All societies would need to do is take “one small step”: separate conceptionally the desires for being married from the desires for making love. Or for having the lewdest kind of sex. And make it completely acceptable for sexually active married folks to seek partnes for sex outside of their marriages.

What is so damned difficult for taking this small step, I keep asking myself? Only moralists, like those found in large numbers inside organized religion, are standing in the way, so I claim.

I agree there is some degree of sex being two parts. One is predominantly just physical fun and the other is making love. I think you can tell the difference when it’s happening.

Masturbation falls into the physical fun realm. It can be a great release, it is immensely valuable at getting to know yourself. Sometimes trying what feels good by yourself where it’s most safe opens you up to things you might not try with another. I see it like a massage and you don’t have to have the love intimacy with the masseuse to get the physical release and pleasure.

But I do think there is probably a degree of intimacy you build when having sex even if it’s not the deep love.

We were having a conversation about open marriages, because it came up in a podcast, and she didn’t get it. But for her sex mostly happens in the making love space. She must feel a really deep connection to entertain the idea of getting physical. So it was difficult for her to see the desire.

My explanation was it’s probably like friends. They come and go through our lives and we build different levels of intimacy. It’s ok to have some intimacy and connection and be sad when they leave or move on. It’s not too healthy to just avoid friends because of pain when the inevitable happens and we leave.

But that same love making requirement or goal gets in the way of her self discovery. I love discovering her so I think she manages to do ok and says why bother if you’ll do it for me.

I think there is moral stigmas stretchers for sure and religions can make things better or worse. IMHO it’s less about religions itself and more about the human nature to pad the rules. I don’t want to get burned so I won’t even entertain the idea of going near a fire. In an attempt to play it safe morally we go way too far.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Not being able to take the rejection any more really hits home. It feels like I both have to initiate and also have no control. I know it won’t happen for a few days after sex but if I don’t start trying after that when will it happen. But that means I end up feeling rejected a lot of the time.

I also hate that sex is the last thing in the day for her. So I don’t find out if it’s a go or no go until then and then if I got my hopes up it sucks. I’ve gone through my fair share of “I give up trying” phases but it never seems to help.

I try to communicate better which helps somewhat even if it’s a no I at least I sometimes avoid the pent up sex let down.

That is me to a hilt!
I rarely initiate, as I am too tired of the rejection or the lame excuses. (Although some excuses are funny to hear.)
I too know that if I get laid today, I can expect no intimacy or closeness for at least a week. (More like 2+ weeks now) So I save the effort and entertain myself for the first week.

Sex timing is tough, I admit. At the end of the day, she is tired or overstressed. Even if it is a green-light, it means a quick session. Pretty much pick the 1 ride you want most at the park, then exit the park as soon as the ride is over. Don't be creative on the rides either.
1st thing in the morning is a little more relaxing, but wife is not a morning person and would rather sleep. Our kid gets up early and comes in our room too. So any hanky panky has to be early and again, fast.
My favorite option is let the kid get on the school bus. We have a good 30 minutes to an hour, before she has to leave for work. (She leaves pretty much whenever she wants.) However, she will often reject this option saying that there is not enough time before she goes to work. Then I watch the clock tick away an hour as I sip my coffee and she is out the door.

I do not feel guilty at all about watching porn. I often watch it with VR glasses. Awesome!!! A+++ I feel like my wife withdrawing is creating an empty place in me. It will get filled one day, but not sure how or with what. Without guilt I would welcome an affair with another woman. Then my wife can have the relationship she wants without being bothered by my touch.

It is not all about sex either. She will complain about touching her or showing affection in public. (anything beyond hand holding or a quick kiss for goodbye/hello) If I want to hug her more than once or too often, she thinks something is wrong with me. I don't get it.

 

[Destiny]

I have faked it to finish. I’m in a very similar boat. However I’d add in her affair years ago and how it has undermined my confidence. So when she doesn’t want me I grow paranoid. However we had the talks about need to to feel wanted and all that. I’ve also grown irritated with the same old sex all the time. So I’ve stopped. Stopped trying, although I wake up some mornings with my hands wandering her body.

But I can’t take the hurt and the turndowns anymore.

I spent a period where we took sex off the table. It was my way of showing her I don’t do all the things I do just to get laid, cause I still did them when sex was off the table.

Long story short I’m lost. I stopped trying to have sex. I feel horribly guilty about the porn and all those things. But our kids ate a mess. Work is crazier than ever and the situation with her family is a mess.

So there really is no time for me. I try not to take it personally and I’ll plow through the next few years and hope as things ease up life gets better.

This makes me sad.... I am sorry all of that is happening to you.

 

[Destiny]

I was in a relationship. Where he made me feel like I was a slut when I asked to have sex so I stopped asking and then I ended up just ending the relationship of course I wasn't married but still there's only so much you can take.

 

[Wishingbox]

That is me to a hilt!
I rarely initiate, as I am too tired of the rejection or the lame excuses. (Although some excuses are funny to hear.)
I too know that if I get laid today, I can expect no intimacy or closeness for at least a week. (More like 2+ weeks now) So I save the effort and entertain myself for the first week.

Sex timing is tough, I admit. At the end of the day, she is tired or overstressed. Even if it is a green-light, it means a quick session. Pretty much pick the 1 ride you want most at the park, then exit the park as soon as the ride is over. Don't be creative on the rides either.
1st thing in the morning is a little more relaxing, but wife is not a morning person and would rather sleep. Our kid gets up early and comes in our room too. So any hanky panky has to be early and again, fast.
My favorite option is let the kid get on the school bus. We have a good 30 minutes to an hour, before she has to leave for work. (She leaves pretty much whenever she wants.) However, she will often reject this option saying that there is not enough time before she goes to work. Then I watch the clock tick away an hour as I sip my coffee and she is out the door.

I do not feel guilty at all about watching porn. I often watch it with VR glasses. Awesome!!! A+++ I feel like my wife withdrawing is creating an empty place in me. It will get filled one day, but not sure how or with what. Without guilt I would welcome an affair with another woman. Then my wife can have the relationship she wants without being bothered by my touch.

It is not all about sex either. She will complain about touching her or showing affection in public. (anything beyond hand holding or a quick kiss for goodbye/hello) If I want to hug her more than once or too often, she thinks something is wrong with me. I don't get it.

So much similarities here too.

I relate to the check out until there might be a chance. Then entertain yourself until it’s time. Though I hate the days where I have opportunities to take care of myself but then decide to hold off “just in case tonight”. Then I hate having held out hope.

We neeeeever have morning sex or afternoon sex either. She feels unattractive in the am but to me everything feels amazing and smooth and relaxed. I don’t know why she doesn’t do it in the afternoon either beyond the she just doesn’t let herself and can’t think about sex until all her daily things are done and out of her mind.

If I’m honest I’d welcome an open marriage or have a friend with benefits who just loves exploring sex and sees it as a big stress release. No strings attached. No love needed just mutual deep relaxing sexual release. We could take all the time we we want. Go slow enjoy, savor rest and do it again until we’re completely exhausted.

But I wouldn’t want to cheat. I love my wife and she is truly my best friend we just have different drives. If she wants to go do an activity or hobby great find a friend guy or girl whatever don’t let me hold you back from enjoying it. Just come home at the end of the day be present with me and the kids and emotionally open.

She wouldn’t never go for this though. It would crush her and she couldn’t get beyond the sex is love and are you loving that person more than me.

I do feel bad and sympathize with her. I know it’s just her drive level and if she could change it she would. She sometimes says she wishes she could fix it and I correct her that it’s not broken. It’s ok that drives are different that’s not broken.

What can be improved is lower drive partners ask how they might be self sabotaging, distracting or not carving out time for their drive. And opposite are the higher drive partners over anticipating or over feeding unrealistic sexual desires. I think that’s a healthy approach as long as they’re modest in asks and not torture.

TBH it can often feels like torture.

 

[Wishingbox]

That is why I don’t look at porn these days. I told her about it a while back and she was crushed. I try not to overly feed my drive since it’s higher. It sets unrealistic expansion of what “woman want” or can do but not my wife.

It would be unfair for me to ask her to explore ways of fostering her drive, being more intentional about making sure we carve out time if I wasn’t willing to compromise too.

Perhaps some day she’ll come around and realize another compromise might be letting me be me without someone else knowing I love her and will always come back. I’m not looking for another wife, partner or best friend. Just a partner for my favorite hobby which happens to be sex…

 

[Elite_Goblin]

...yea, I often hold out (going solo) in the hopes that this MUST be the weekend...then nope.

10 years ago, I was not going to cheat. She changed for the better after that and showed me how sensual, attentive, and creative she could be. Once I was hooked (again), she let it all go away and told me that she could not continue like that.

Now with a child, separation is out of the question. Maybe in 8 or 9 years, but he needs us both right now. It is exhausting with 2 people caring for him. 1 person cannot handle it. So, with my past experience, I would welcome sex from outside and keep my mouth shut. Hands down, I love my wife and wish with all of my heart, only that she would not be losing her libido and just as importantly, shunning me from non-sexual affection I give her.

Oh well.

 

[LTMMC]

and I hope for you, EG, that nice conversations and PMs will make up for some of the things you are missing

 

[Elite_Goblin]

and I hope for you, EG, that nice conversations and PMs will make up for some of the things you are missing

Me too. But they are far and few between. Being able to talk with others here helps. At least you feel like you are not in the boat alone.

 

[vodiodo69]

I know I’m not alone. I’m really tired of talking about celibacy. I really need to find a mature guy to fuck soon. I am married. No problem. Live in San Diego. How the doom wet someone safe. Soon Chrissy

 

[Wishingbox]

and I hope for you, EG, that nice conversations and PMs will make up for some of the things you are missing

The DMs are fine but in the end the reality that it’s not actually the thing you want eventually returns. They’re momentary distractions.

 

[Destiny]

The DMs are fine but in the end the reality that it’s not actually the thing you want eventually returns. They’re momentary distractions.

Yes those momentary distractions make it even harder to face reality sometimes.

 

[Wishingbox]

...yea, I often hold out (going solo) in the hopes that this MUST be the weekend...then nope.

10 years ago, I was not going to cheat. She changed for the better after that and showed me how sensual, attentive, and creative she could be. Once I was hooked (again), she let it all go away and told me that she could not continue like that.

Now with a child, separation is out of the question. Maybe in 8 or 9 years, but he needs us both right now. It is exhausting with 2 people caring for him. 1 person cannot handle it. So, with my past experience, I would welcome sex from outside and keep my mouth shut. Hands down, I love my wife and wish with all of my heart, only that she would not be losing her libido and just as importantly, shunning me from non-sexual affection I give her.

Oh well.

Yeah having kids or a kid can really bump an already low priority lower on the list of things to do. It feels like for my wife sex is the last on a long list of chores that must be done. And if the other items didn’t go well or aren’t done she won’t be in a place to get in the mood.

Then you end up with the begrudging sex. If you know they aren’t into it but you have it anyway it makes you feel 1000% times worse. Better to have just gone to bed horny and crushed then feeling pitied.