When your marriage has 2 very different sexual appetites, what to do

[Elite_Goblin]

Yep. Like a stepping stone getting you to the next day.
I have not really particpated in any sexual PMs (I would if I felt comfy about the woman), but the public conversations I have engaged in have for the most part been nice. I appreciate that. In addition to the wife thing, I don't have any friends nearby that I can visit or talk to. So LIT is my outlet.

 

[Wishingbox]

Yes those momentary distractions make it even harder to face reality sometimes.

its waves of oh shit this isn’t real and then the but other people are like me why can’t he/she be like this person? I guess I want them to be. Ooops I guess that’s an unhealthy expectation. I guess things will never change. Back on Lit hoping for a DM cause you’re feeling shitty…

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Yeah having kids or a kid can really bump an already low priority lower on the list of things to do. It feels like for my wife sex is the last on a long list of chores that must be done. And if the other items didn’t go well or aren’t done she won’t be in a place to get in the mood.

Then you end up with the begrudging sex. If you know they aren’t into it but you have it anyway it makes you feel 1000% times worse. Better to have just gone to bed horny and crushed then feeling pitied.

A few years back, my wife said we should have sex every Monday. That way there would be no complaints. It was good for awhile, we each looked forward to it and knew what to expect. Then she seemed to get 'busy'on Monday, and it had to wait until the next Monday. Or while being intimate, you could see that she was not into it all, and just waiting for it to be over with. I did not like to see it, so said that scheduled sex was not working out anymore. Pull the plug on it.

 

[Strixaluco]

All societies would need to do is take “one small step”: separate conceptionally the desires for being married from the desires for making love. Or for having the lewdest kind of sex. And make it completely acceptable for sexually active married folks to seek partnes for sex outside of their marriages.

Do you really think it is only a social concept? Really? Because it is a too narrow view.

Sex and emotions are easily connected due to hormonal reasons. Any time sex is good enough, I start developing feelings rather quickly towards the other. If I stay completely unattached, it means the sex left me empty.

And that is why I said 'no' when my ex offered I could get a lover to solve our discrepancy regarding libido. It would have broken our relationship. It is also what kept me faithful when my late husband got diagnosed with cancer and his libido went to the flat zero due to both the disease and the treatment.

 

[Strixaluco]

Not being able to take the rejection any more really hits home. It feels like I both have to initiate and also have no control.

After getting enough rejections I finally told him that I can't take it anymore - he should take the initiative. Didn't really happen...

I also hate that sex is the last thing in the day for her. So I don’t find out if it’s a go or no go until then and then if I got my hopes up it sucks. I’ve gone through my fair share of “I give up trying” phases but it never seems to help.

Never thought of that, but it's true. I also often had to wait for him, as he was walking around the garage before bedtime - and more often than not ended up giving up waiting.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

When I go to bed thinking that this just HAS to be the night...She was being sweet to me today too. I have saved my 'energy' for a few days for this! Then I get a turned cheek when I kiss her goodnight (or not even facing me). Totally not in the mood and does not want to be disturbed. Replaced by Mrs. Jeckyl!

I still show some support with touching her lightly somewhere, anywhere, and seeing if there is a response. Nope. I have just gotten up at times, went to the bathroom and enjoyed myself. We both missed out on some good feelings and bonding.

I am still friendly, though. It kinda feels like living with a sibling.

 

[Strixaluco]

I am still friendly, though. It kinda feels like living with a sibling.

I know... I once told (before his diagnosis) my late husband that it feels like we were just roommates. I didn't even get a hug every day, and sex was much less than once a month already.

Actually, my sisters would hug me every day at least once.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

I know... I once told (before his diagnosis) my late husband that it feels like we were just roommates. I didn't even get a hug every day, and sex was much less than once a month already.

Actually, my sisters would hug me every day at least once.

It is sad to hear.

Both my wife and I have said this before. (the roomate thing)

Last week, I asked for a hug and got one. A quick one. I asked for another, but a little longer. I got interrogated about what was wrong with me. Wow! I thought, cannot even get a simple hug by asking for it.

It is too funny/ironic how life is at times. We have to be in a video game!

I thought about going to the local brothel a few times. Not to screw the women there (and get god knows what), but to hug them and be warmly hugged back (probably with a smile), snuggle with them, and rub and caress her body. And I would do it with our clothes ON! It is a pity when it is easier to break a fillibuster in congress than to have my wife look forward to some nice physical touching and caressing without having to jump through hoops and play head games for the remote chance it may happen.

OK. I will try not to complain anymore. LOL I love you guys (and gals here).

 

[Strixaluco]

@Elite_Goblin for me dancing is one way of getting human touch. I don't mean clubbing - in my country the social dancing culture, with everything from walz and foxtrot to boogiewoogie and cha-cha, is strong.

When single it keeps me sane. And I love dancing even I am not lacking human touch, of course.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

@Elite_Goblin for me dancing is one way of getting human touch. I don't mean clubbing - in my country the social dancing culture, with everything from walz and foxtrot to boogiewoogie and cha-cha, is strong.

When single it keeps me sane. And I love dancing even I am not lacking human touch, of course.

We did a little tango (before kiddie came), but not anymore. Martial arts was my dancing. I really enjoyed a flowing style based on WingChun. I can close my eyes, play some soft music and slowly move back and forth, as if in slow motion battling an invisible foe. That only goes so far though.

During the spring and summertime, I have an outlet of fitness and sunbathing. Sometimes I go to the sauna/spa. That is nice as I can at least see a naked body besides mine there. LOL. But do not get me wrong, I go to relax myself, not to get aroused by the others.

 

[Strixaluco]

We did a little tango (before kiddie came), but not anymore. Martial arts was my dancing. I really enjoyed a flowing style based on WingChun. I can close my eyes, play some soft music and slowly move back and forth, as if in slow motion battling an invisible foe. That only goes so far though.

During the spring and summertime, I have an outlet of fitness and sunbathing. Sometimes I go to the sauna/spa. That is nice as I can at least see a naked body besides mine there. LOL. But do not get me wrong, I go to relax myself, not to get aroused by the others.

Well I understand the relaxing in sauna very well, I have my own. At least I saw my husband naked there. Sauna, bath or a warm shower may give you an oxytocin burst, if I remember correctly.

I sometimes went dancing without him - he could dance, but wasn't really interested anymore. I know some refuse to believe it, but I've never left from the party with someone other than either my man, or a co-driver. Even when single I have only 3 times given my phone number to a man. It was just about those dances.

 

[Wishingbox]

It is sad to hear.

Both my wife and I have said this before. (the roomate thing)

Last week, I asked for a hug and got one. A quick one. I asked for another, but a little longer. I got interrogated about what was wrong with me. Wow! I thought, cannot even get a simple hug by asking for it.

It is too funny/ironic how life is at times. We have to be in a video game!

I thought about going to the local brothel a few times. Not to screw the women there (and get god knows what), but to hug them and be warmly hugged back (probably with a smile), snuggle with them, and rub and caress her body. And I would do it with our clothes ON! It is a pity when it is easier to break a fillibuster in congress than to have my wife look forward to some nice physical touching and caressing without having to jump through hoops and play head games for the remote chance it may happen.

OK. I will try not to complain anymore. LOL I love you guys (and gals here).

Same here. We’ve talked about it a bunch and it’s such a cluster F. I want some physical affection but then because it’s more rare I take it as a hint for go time later. Then I’m disappointed or frustrated. And she admits that she withholds being physical because it sends mixed signals. I withhold being physical and ghosting, cuddling, groping etc because she isn’t into it and I don’t want to be nagging so I withhold. It’s so stupid. So now no one wants to touch anyone for sending the wrong signals then there is either tension or insecurity issues between us.

I even mentioned using a board to mark my energy/anticipation levels low, medium, high, frustrated and she could have one for closed/open/excited or something. She didn’t like that the idea was too formal and cold feeling. I’m thinking ok well try going to bed this disappointed this often I’m sure you’d be ok with formal lol.

 

[Wishingbox]

There is this interesting concept called the five love languages. Everyone should read about it. Essentially we give and receive love and validation from either 1 Physical touch, 2 quality time, 3 words of affirmation, 4 gifts, 5 acts of service or some combination.

Mine like many here is dominant in physical touch but I’m also words of affirmation.

She thinks hers is quality time.

Knowing this helps some since the wires can get a bit crossed. Wow you sure want to spend a lot of time together doing anything but sex

Anyway the books are good and can help forgive each other some and not be so hard on yourself or others for wanting or expecting to be loved in a certain way. It also might help you discover ways to love them back in a way that is more in tune with their styles and increase desire and intimacy.

 

[Strixaluco]

There is this interesting concept called the five love languages. Everyone should read about it. Essentially we give and receive love and validation from either 1 Physical touch, 2 quality time, 3 words of affirmation, 4 gifts, 5 acts of service or some combination.

I've found even just knowing about the existence of these 5 different ways is helpful. It is easy if the love languages happen to match, but if they don't, then you may need conscious effort.

My late husband didn't seem to believe you actually have to show your love somehow - or that's how it seemed when I tried to speak about this.

 

[Destiny]

its waves of oh shit this isn’t real and then the but other people are like me why can’t he/she be like this person? I guess I want them to be. Ooops I guess that’s an unhealthy expectation. I guess things will never change. Back on Lit hoping for a DM cause you’re feeling shitty…

But you see WB, while I was in this relationship that was unhappy. I had lost myself, and I will explain that. I used to be an avid write, book reader and I loved to create digital art. I lost myself in trying to please him so much to the point that I stopped writing I wasn't reading... I was existing existing to please him hoping for some shred of attention that wasn't him calling me names, or making me feel like less then myself. I could walk naked in front of him and he would not even respond, when I tried to arouse him... I got nothing. So I decided I would leave, and I did. I have gotten, *ME*, back after I did that. I have been reading most of the thread today and I understand there are feelings and families and children involved. But at the end of the day, how an you TRULY be good for everyone else if you are not being good to yourself? *shrugs* I am not saying to break up your family or your life... But I am saying FIND yourself and make yourself happy. Because obviously your partner isn't.

 

[tnh_06]

So before the latest health issues it had grown from once a month to about once every two weeks. Same position, always in bed, always me initiating, always giving the pleasure and don’t last too long or you don’t get to finish. And whatever you do, don’t talk dirty, or it’s over. But then snuggle me as much as possible feeling your warm sexy body against mine, but don’t be sexual all the time, what’s wrong with you? Now it’s been 8 months since that time and we had sex once. It was guilty, pity sex, but I was taking it. That will be it until the end of the year. This is the second time I have been left on the little sex island in the ocean with a single “palm” tree for shade. She always had a low sex drive, but these health issues just blow it out of the water. Would I take a FWB, oh hell yes! Would I feel guilty about it? I hate to say it but, no, not even a little. I love her, she’s my best friend, she’s pretty, sexy. But I have to have a sexual connection soon. I need someone to have fun sex with that actually thinks about sex like I do. That it should be Fun! Adventurous! Accepting!

Oh well, down to lift weights to work some of this off.

 

[vodiodo69]

You are so cute!

 

[talkeasy5813]

I was in a sexless marriage for over a decade. I thought it was because no one would ever want me. The truth is that once he became impotent he no longer had a sex drive. It turned out sex and affection just weren’t as important to him as they are to me.

 

[Wishingbox]

We did a little tango (before kiddie came), but not anymore. Martial arts was my dancing. I really enjoyed a flowing style based on WingChun. I can close my eyes, play some soft music and slowly move back and forth, as if in slow motion battling an invisible foe. That only goes so far though.

During the spring and summertime, I have an outlet of fitness and sunbathing. Sometimes I go to the sauna/spa. That is nice as I can at least see a naked body besides mine there. LOL. But do not get me wrong, I go to relax myself, not to get aroused by the others.

ugh and today I was like ooh maybe. Signs in the air. Sweeter gestures… Things seemed positive and then all evening putting the kids down was meltdown shitstorm. So now she’s a goner. We’re both completely burned out. The difference is I always find sex to able to relieve stress.

 

[nicechat]

I was in a sexless marriage for over a decade. I thought it was because no one would ever want me. The truth is that one he became impotent he no longer had a sex drive. It turned out sex and affection just weren’t as important to him as they are to me.

Never give up, the joy of sex and closeness is always worth pursuing.

 

[talkeasy5813]

Never give up, the joy of sex and closeness is always worth pursuing.

I am.

 

[tnh_06]

ugh and today I was like ooh maybe. Signs in the air. Sweeter gestures… Things seemed positive and then all evening putting the kids down was meltdown shitstorm. So now she’s a goner. We’re both completely burned out. The difference is I always find sex to able to relieve stress.

Man have I been there. I long ago decided that if I needed to cum, I wasn’t going to wait and if I didn’t get to finish with her on the off chance she did let me have sex (I intentionally didn’t say on the off chance she “wanted” sex) I didn’t feel that badly because I had already cum once. If I did get to finish it was literally “icing” in the cake.

 

[Strixaluco]

But you see WB, while I was in this relationship that was unhappy. I had lost myself, and I will explain that. I used to be an avid write, book reader and I loved to create digital art. I lost myself in trying to please him so much to the point that I stopped writing I wasn't reading... I was existing existing to please him hoping for some shred of attention that wasn't him calling me names, or making me feel like less then myself. I could walk naked in front of him and he would not even respond, when I tried to arouse him... I got nothing. So I decided I would leave, and I did. I have gotten, *ME*, back after I did that. I have been reading most of the thread today and I understand there are feelings and families and children involved. But at the end of the day, how an you TRULY be good for everyone else if you are not being good to yourself? *shrugs* I am not saying to break up your family or your life... But I am saying FIND yourself and make yourself happy. Because obviously your partner isn't.

Indeed. I know leaving isn't the best option for some, but it sounds like more of the people in this thread should leave for the sake of their own good - and sometimes maybe even for the sake kids.

If the lack of sex is making you unhappy, it is also affecting the kids. And if there is no physical affection (even outside sex) between the parents, isn't it a bad model for a marriage? Kids need to see a loving, caring relationship between their parents. Seen them hugging regularly, even kissing, would very good.

 

[Timmy777]

Something to consider when comparing sex drives and individual desire. Desire is a
complex equation That has many moving parts..consider a Dr that will prescribe hormone replacement therapy that includes testosterone for the female. Many nurse practitioners and naturopathy docs will feel they know enough to help in this regard. My wife waEnt through menopause and desire went completely away. We have been together for 38 yrs and had stopped having any sex at all. I masturbated daily Still. Now on hormones she is a different lady, wanting sex weekly and even shopping for sex toys and masturbating Just something to consider.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Absolutely no way would my wife ask for any medication that would increase her sexual desire. She feels like her diminishing desire is natural and should be acceptable by me.

Yes, we have a kid. But I cannot leave him. He is too much for one person to handle, and I honestly think it would negatively affect him. (he is on the Autism spectrum). So, I have to wait until he is older before any life-changes can be seriously contemplated.

Wishingbox sounds exactly like me and the frustrations that my wife and I have. Nice to have someone to relate to.